evanescentworld Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 The periods issue could be dietary... I really would seek giving her NOT ONLY Vitamin D but also Zinc as supplements....
CarrieT Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 No offense Carrie and please don't take this the wrong way but this isn't about you. It's about a young woman who doesn't have the ability to process things the way a woman your age does. She has only had a short life while you have the wisdom of experience. Please stay mindful of that. Granted. But this is also about a Stepmom who is reaching out for help in dealing with a situation that I - as a Stepmom - is also going through as an adult AND went through as a teenager. I believe I am rather uniquely qualified to show both sides and offer some insight on the processes involved. I am VERY mindful. 7
amaysngrace Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 I've been very careful not to express anger towards her. It's a big reason I'm posting here. So I can get my frustrations out without lashing out at her. My husband has not yelled at her in literally over a year. Anytime we enforce rules or get upset with her, she lies. We have an open case with child services because of her lies. This is not the first time it's happened. She told the new therapist at the hospital that she's afraid to come home because my husband yells everyday. WTF!? It's not true. She supposedly has a broken tooth that I didn't know about and said we refused to take her to the dentist. We didn't know anything about a damn broken tooth. I have taken her to the doctor. The problem is she never lived with us until she was 12. I don't think we truly know her and she doesn't know us. She won't give us a chance. She won't tell us anything. I don't know what to do. I'm sick of coming home and having random visits from the state over things I knew nothing about. Her periods skip and sometimes they are really heavy and that's what I meant by her periods are a mess. She sounds like she may be manipulative. And if she is that sucks. Did you call her out on her accusations at the time or did she say that to the doctor while you weren't there? Did you mention that she hadn't said anything about her tooth, not even to the doctor you had brought her to? She should know that if she lies she will be found out. If you guys genuinely failed to see to her needs at some point in time then make sure that you apologize to her for it in family counseling or whatever. But she does sound conflicted. She wants to kill herself because she hates her life so much yet cares about a broken tooth in her mouth? That hardly makes sense.
amaysngrace Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Granted. But this is also about a Stepmom who is reaching out for help in dealing with a situation that I - as a Stepmom - is also going through as an adult AND went through as a teenager. I believe I am rather uniquely qualified to show both sides and offer some insight on the processes involved. I am VERY mindful. I was speaking of how you handle your own situation, not about the advice you offer on a public forum. I hadn't realized you were raised by your stepmom. I'm sorry.
hopeful4someday Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Her periods skip and sometimes they are really heavy and that's what I meant by her periods are a mess. Just a FYI - it is normal for periods to be irregular for several years following the first period. The brain (HPO axis) isn't fully developed yet and it can take a while to normalize. But if she's bleeding a lot she runs the risk of anemia, and some people do have real trouble with their hormones. Her doctor would probably be a better bet than home remedies if you suspect that her cycles are far from normal.
Author violet1 Posted January 29, 2015 Author Posted January 29, 2015 She sounds like she may be manipulative. And if she is that sucks. Did you call her out on her accusations at the time or did she say that to the doctor while you weren't there? Did you mention that she hadn't said anything about her tooth, not even to the doctor you had brought her to? She should know that if she lies she will be found out. If you guys genuinely failed to see to her needs at some point in time then make sure that you apologize to her for it in family counseling or whatever. But she does sound conflicted. She wants to kill herself because she hates her life so much yet cares about a broken tooth in her mouth? That hardly makes sense. She told her therapist about the broken tooth, not us. She spent the last weekend with her maternal grandparents. Told her grandmother all of these problems she was having, but failed to tell us. Her grandmother called the child services. SD talked to child services behind our back. They showed up to my house Tuesday. That's how we found out that she was suicidal and had a broken tooth. I hope that's a little more clear. I'm trying not to go into too much detail to keep things anonymous. In previous therapy sessions we have told her numerous times to tell us if she has a problem so we can help. She refuses to do that. None of this makes any sense to me. At all!! Like I said we had no idea there was a problem. I think you're right, she has manipulative tendencies. Her mother was very mentally ill. Her mother was raped as a child, never received help. Her mother had her first baby at 15 and SD at 18. She was a baby raising babies carrying a lot of baggage. I think this is where SD's problems stem from. 1
whichwayisup Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 I think you're right, she has manipulative tendencies. Her mother was very mentally ill. Her mother was raped as a child, never received help. Her mother had her first baby at 15 and SD at 18. She was a baby raising babies carrying a lot of baggage. I think this is where SD's problems stem from. Once they totally access her and since mental illness does run in the family, she'll have lots of counseling and be on meds to help her. Don't lose faith. I know right now it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel and it may take a while for her to get better, but she will become the person she's meant to be. She's messed up and had a lot of heartache, she doesn't trust anybody.. Sucks that you all are going through this, so vent away, since it helps! 1
amaysngrace Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 She told her therapist about the broken tooth, not us. She spent the last weekend with her maternal grandparents. Told her grandmother all of these problems she was having, but failed to tell us. Her grandmother called the child services. SD talked to child services behind our back. They showed up to my house Tuesday. That's how we found out that she was suicidal and had a broken tooth. I hope that's a little more clear. I'm trying not to go into too much detail to keep things anonymous. In previous therapy sessions we have told her numerous times to tell us if she has a problem so we can help. She refuses to do that. None of this makes any sense to me. At all!! Like I said we had no idea there was a problem. I think you're right, she has manipulative tendencies. Her mother was very mentally ill. Her mother was raped as a child, never received help. Her mother had her first baby at 15 and SD at 18. She was a baby raising babies carrying a lot of baggage. I think this is where SD's problems stem from. It's probably a lot of things really. Did you say her dad didn't know her until she was four? If that's true it certainly can't help. She could still be angry at him. And who knows what the mom told her about him...especially if the mom was dysfunctional. I feel bad for you. It's such a stressful situation trying to say the right thing and do the right thing. What are her strengths or interests?
Quiet Storm Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 I don't want to scare you, but my sister had all of the same symptoms and she has Borderline Personality Disorder. The lying, the manipulation, turning family members against each other, lying to docs and therapists to punish my parents- along with suicide attempts, cutting and an eating disorder. It began in her early teens. You may want to read up on it and see if it fits. Trauma in early life is a big factor, and you may not know everything this poor girl went through before she came to live with you. Fear of abandonment is a big part of this disorder and with her difficult life and losing her mom, it's worth doing a little research. Even if it is only Borderline traits and not full blown BPD, there is a lot of info online regarding how to deal with a BPD family member, and you may find it helpful. 1
Author violet1 Posted January 29, 2015 Author Posted January 29, 2015 I don't want to scare you, but my sister had all of the same symptoms and she has Borderline Personality Disorder. The lying, the manipulation, turning family members against each other, lying to docs and therapists to punish my parents- along with suicide attempts, cutting and an eating disorder. It began in her early teens. You may want to read up on it and see if it fits. Trauma in early life is a big factor, and you may not know everything this poor girl went through before she came to live with you. Fear of abandonment is a big part of this disorder and with her difficult life and losing her mom, it's worth doing a little research. Even if it is only Borderline traits and not full blown BPD, there is a lot of info online regarding how to deal with a BPD family member, and you may find it helpful. It's funny mentioned Borderline Personality Disorder. All of us thought her mother had that. I was starting to wonder if SD has it as well. We had a great week. I honestly thought things were getting better then Wham all this negativity came out.
evanescentworld Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 I think you must mention this to her current professional carers, and her/her mother's history as well ASAP. I'm sure that this would contribute to a far more rapid reprise, if it turns out to be the case... and a very definite ..."And it's not your fault" to her would probably help.... 2
Lucretius Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 This thread caught my eye after I came to love shack with a relationship problem. Somehow my problem doesn,t seem to matter anymore after reading your post! I have had experience with suicidal tendencies only recently myself, mine is down to depression but years ago I used to work with kids teaching gymnastics and suicidal tendencies are more of a problem than a lot of people realise. I can only speak from my own experiences but have sat in suicidal chatrooms and realise what I,m about to write seems to spread right across the field with suicidal people including myself. it is near on impossible to say or do anything that is going to immediately fix anything with your sd. The problem being is in the mind any kind of deep trauma sets off a chain reaction which literally stops you seeing or hearing anything. All you can see is a desperately dark pit and anything you hear from anyone around you voicing concerns just translates into "they don,t care about me" the complete opposite of what you are really trying to do here as everyone can see how much you do really care! it is this frame of mind that you are fighting against, hence any anger, lies, cutting etc etc. The keyword here is trauma, Ptsd victims show all the signs of everything you have said so far! I really do understand how hard this is for you, your doing everything you can and am possibly at your wits end with what to do next. All I can say is "hold it together" for your sake, your hubby's sake and especially your sd,s sake. Somewhere deep down inside you it is possible to make a connection with your sd that could change all of this. Study her like you would study a book, you will already know her favorite music, her favorite fashions, favorite movies etc etc. You may not like any of these things but whatever the weather try to connect on this front. This is most likely going to be one of the biggest acts you have probably ever committed in all your life. Even if you can,t stand anything she likes you are going to need to try and act as if you do. Play her music, dress in ways that she likes, watch the films and so on and so forth, even if she shows no interest stick with it, because it will click sooner or later that you are understanding her better than anything. Everybody wants to be recognized, the suicidal just forget that fact Cuz all they see is death. Try and keep your patience, and try not to let her see you crying. Good luck and stay strong! 1
Author violet1 Posted January 30, 2015 Author Posted January 30, 2015 Once they totally access her and since mental illness does run in the family, she'll have lots of counseling and be on meds to help her. Don't lose faith. I know right now it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel and it may take a while for her to get better, but she will become the person she's meant to be. She's messed up and had a lot of heartache, she doesn't trust anybody.. Sucks that you all are going through this, so vent away, since it helps! Thank you. I'm having a hard time not losing hope. Today was awful. I broke down at work. My boss told me to get a hold of my emotions. I'm so stressed out right now. I had to miss a day of work and it put me further behind. Yesterday I wasn't paying attention like I should and our dog got out of our yard. We couldn't find her for over an hour. I was crying and my husband and I were fighting. Thank god we found her, but I can't handle all of this sh*t right now. Nothing ever goes smooth for long. I'm sick of it. I don't know how to be strong.
hopeful4someday Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 It's funny mentioned Borderline Personality Disorder. All of us thought her mother had that. I was starting to wonder if SD has it as well. We had a great week. I honestly thought things were getting better then Wham all this negativity came out. I just wanted to point out that borderline personality disorder is diagnosed so many times more in women vs. men. Men are almost exclusively diagnosed with PTSD. So it raises the legitimate question of whether BPD is really a thing, or if it is the new "hysteria" that affects women who don't behave as they are expected to. I still say give her a chance. Psych diagnoses are largely social constructs. Time will change that, probably, but I don't think we're there yet. 4
amaysngrace Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Yesterday I wasn't paying attention like I should and our dog got out of our yard. We couldn't find her for over an hour. I was crying and my husband and I were fighting. Thank god we found her, but I can't handle all of this sh*t right now. Nothing ever goes smooth for long. I'm sick of it. I don't know how to be strong. Crying is therapeutic. Stress toxins are released through tears. You're already strong. You have a lot going on right now, all of you do, and I think it's pretty normal to feel like your life has just been turned upside down because it has. Are you at least able to wind down enough to get a good nights sleep? 1
Author violet1 Posted January 30, 2015 Author Posted January 30, 2015 I just wanted to point out that borderline personality disorder is diagnosed so many times more in women vs. men. Men are almost exclusively diagnosed with PTSD. So it raises the legitimate question of whether BPD is really a thing, or if it is the new "hysteria" that affects women who don't behave as they are expected to. I still say give her a chance. Psych diagnoses are largely social constructs. Time will change that, probably, but I don't think we're there yet. I don't know, but something is not right with her. I have never seen anyone freak out the way she did the other night. It was so bad, the staff at the hospital were going to have her physically restrained. She literally tried to jump out of a moving vehicle. This is NOT sane or normal behavior. I get what she's going through more than anyone. I myself, lost my mom as a teen. My mom was also mentally ill. She would have some horrible episodes. It was scary. SD's incident actually caused me to trigger quite a bit. I saw a side of SD that I never knew existed and it scares the hell out of me. This is a girl who currently has straight A's. She was laughing and having fun with her friends the day of the incident. I thought things were finally settling down. I was wrong, but I'm not giving up on her. I'm struggling with anger today and that's why I'm posting so much. Everyone's post has helped me get through today. 2
whichwayisup Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Thank you. I'm having a hard time not losing hope. Today was awful. I broke down at work. My boss told me to get a hold of my emotions. I'm so stressed out right now. I had to miss a day of work and it put me further behind. You're so welcome. Your boss is an a-hole if you don't mind me saying so. Or she. (Yes women can be a-holes too!) How inconsiderate and rude is that! And unprofessional to poop on an employee. Is it possible to take some time off of work? Yesterday I wasn't paying attention like I should and our dog got out of our yard. We couldn't find her for over an hour. I was crying and my husband and I were fighting. Thank god we found her, but I can't handle all of this sh*t right now. Nothing ever goes smooth for long. I'm sick of it. I don't know how to be strong. If you have a friend, or a neighbour that you're close to help out with taking the dog out a few times a day for you? It could just lessen the stress, even another family member could help you. Hugs to you, I feel for what you're going through. 1
whichwayisup Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Crying is therapeutic. Stress toxins are released through tears. You're already strong. You have a lot going on right now, all of you do, and I think it's pretty normal to feel like your life has just been turned upside down because it has. Are you at least able to wind down enough to get a good nights sleep? Doing 10 minutes of stretches and yoga will make a difference. Try meditation, youtube has tons of great guided meditations, 10 minute ones, half an hour ones. Try it, it will help calm your mind and bring some peace.
hopeful4someday Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 I don't know, but something is not right with her. I have never seen anyone freak out the way she did the other night. It was so bad, the staff at the hospital were going to have her physically restrained. She literally tried to jump out of a moving vehicle. This is NOT sane or normal behavior. I get what she's going through more than anyone. I myself, lost my mom as a teen. My mom was also mentally ill. She would have some horrible episodes. It was scary. SD's incident actually caused me to trigger quite a bit. I saw a side of SD that I never knew existed and it scares the hell out of me. This is a girl who currently has straight A's. She was laughing and having fun with her friends the day of the incident. I thought things were finally settling down. I was wrong, but I'm not giving up on her. I'm struggling with anger today and that's why I'm posting so much. Everyone's post has helped me get through today. It's definitely not normal and I wasn't saying it was. I guess I am saying, try to be careful with the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder rather than PTSD. Especially since she's new to your lives, you don't really know everything she's been through. It sounds like she is acting out and really out of control. Severe mental illnesses tend to show up in late teens/early 20s to early 30s so it's possible that there is something like that going on with her too. It's a tough call best left to a qualified and hopefully objective professional though, and probably even better to get second and third opinions on anything because the nature of many psych diagnoses is inherently subjective but the label carries a real stigma. 1
autumnnight Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 My heart goes out to you, and I so wish I felt safe sharing more. But I can tell you that as horrible as it seems right now, there is hope. And though I know you both feel you missed signs, I applaud you for being willing to do whatever it takes to help your SD. You care more about her than yourselves, social standing, and all the other things some parents deem as more important. This is probably very little comfort right now, but there may be a reason she acts exactly as she "should" with her friends and classmates but is showing this "side" with you now. People who are struggling in the way she is sometimes show their worst selves only to the people they feel will actually love them anyway. That may not help, but it is a testament to the fact that IMO she knows - regardless of her histrionics right now - that you do care. Your family is in my thoughts.
Author violet1 Posted January 31, 2015 Author Posted January 31, 2015 Crying is therapeutic. Stress toxins are released through tears. You're already strong. You have a lot going on right now, all of you do, and I think it's pretty normal to feel like your life has just been turned upside down because it has. Are you at least able to wind down enough to get a good nights sleep? Nope, I'm not sleeping. I'm so tired I'm a zombie walking.
CarrieT Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 Nope, I'm not sleeping. I'm so tired I'm a zombie walking. We just got back from the hospital and my husband immediately crawled in bed - at 6:00 p.m. on a Friday night. We are both exhausted and it feels like we are simultaneously walking on eggshells and holding our breath. Our girl is being released on Sunday, but is going back to her Mother's so we won't see her until next Friday (we have 50/50 custody on alternate weeks). It is all just so hard... 2
Noproblem Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 If you go 6 million secret app You will be surprised about how many kids cuts and wants to end their life The number are scary and baffling and they can be very tricky in their ways to hide cutting 1
bathtub-row Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 Perhaps there's a type of spiritual act she can perform to make peace with her mother. Maybe she could even see a very good psychic. This may sound nuts but if you find someone reputable, they can be amazingly insightful. Your daughter needs to know that her mother is ok and that she has her forgiveness. Very little else is going to give her true peace. I'm not sure where you live but I know of a lady in the Arizona area. Someone gave me a session with her as a gift. She was so accurate it was uncanny, and she said she was speaking to my parents. Police find a lot of credibility with psychics, so it's not that far-fetched. It may be worth a shot. I hope your daughter gets better. 1
Downtown Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 It's funny mentioned Borderline Personality Disorder. All of us thought her mother had that. I was starting to wonder if SD has it as well. Violet, I agree with QuietStorm that some of the behaviors you describe -- e.g., the arm cutting, verbal abuse, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, and black-white thinking -- are warning signs for BPD. Of course, you are not capable of diagnosing your SD. Only a professional can do that. You nonetheless are fully capable of spotting the red flags for BPD if you take a little time to learn what warning signs to look for. I therefore suggest you take a look at my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these warning signs at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join QuietStorm in discussing them with you. Take care, Violet. 1
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