waterwoman Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I was in love with my wife when we married, but things have deteriorated over the years. I'm not sure I can get over the hatred I have felt for years. I have never been unfaithful. Just trying to make a choice I can live with and make everyone happy. 'hatred'?? Really? I question whether you really loved her if it can turn to hatred in such a short time. Unless she was truly vile and abusive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 'hatred'?? Really? I question whether you really loved her if it can turn to hatred in such a short time. Unless she was truly vile and abusive. Yeah, kinda seemed a stretch from the first post where they "hadn't gotten along in the last four years." OP, your choices are to fix the marriage or leave it. Anything inbetween is a disservice to all three of you. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I have never been unfaithful. Just because you haven't engaged in physical sex outside of the marriage doesn't mean that you've never been unfaithful. You've developed and fostered an emotional connection with another woman. I'd bet if you read your vows, you're pretty far outside them. That's why each of your spouses are furious. It's an emotional affair. Women are many times more disturbed by their husbands making an emotional connection to another woman than they are the sex (there are some exceptions). Saying you've been faithful is a stretch at best. I also noticed that you're trying to make a decision that will 'make everyone happy.' That ain't gonna happen so I suggest you try to avoid the analysis paralysis that can happen as a result. Sounds like your mind is made up anyway. I hope you're at least kind about it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Biere123 Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 Yes, she has been verbally abusive towards me for years. I have not decided what to do. I'm trying to do the right thing, mainly for the child. I don't know how to fix the marriage with all of the hurt she has brought me. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 You’ve said that you want to preserve the marriage for the sake of the child. Maybe you and your wife could research how to have a good divorce and make a very serious mutual commitment to divorce and co-parent with respect and as little conflict as possible. There’s some evidence that children whose parents “divorce well” do better over time than children raised in highly conflicted intact marriages. An Overview of the Psychological Literature on the Effects of Divorce on Children Hatred, verbal abuse, relationships outside the marriage, and failed counseling are a daunting mountain to climb. I think it can be done, but if your primary concern is your child's well-being, do some in-depth research on the effects of divorce before assuming that it is the worst possible option. That way you and your wife can make an informed decision about what would be best for your child. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 Yes, she has been verbally abusive towards me for years. I have not decided what to do. I'm trying to do the right thing, mainly for the child. I don't know how to fix the marriage with all of the hurt she has brought me. So all that stuff about women checking out of the marriage and whether trying is worth it was really just about you wanting to blame her for your affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Biere123 Posted February 17, 2015 Author Share Posted February 17, 2015 So all that stuff about women checking out of the marriage and whether trying is worth it was really just about you wanting to blame her for your affair. No, the other thread was just a general discussion and I wanted unbiased opinions. Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 wife and I have been married for 7 years, with a child...we haven't gotten along in the last four years I'd say. Recently reconnected with old flame that I've never gotten over, and we began an emotional relationship that has lasted 6 months or so. Both spouses have found out and are furious. We have had limited contact since, but we both know we love each other. Any guidance without judging? You obviously felt that your marriage wasn't worth salvaging, perhaps it was that far gone and not worth saving. So if this current (and old flame) is worth fighting for over your marriage then the honorable thing would be to divorce your spouses. Eventually *everyone* will find happiness and that is what all parties deserve. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 Just because you haven't engaged in physical sex outside of the marriage doesn't mean that you've never been unfaithful. You've developed and fostered an emotional connection with another woman. I'd bet if you read your vows, you're pretty far outside them. That's why each of your spouses are furious. It's an emotional affair. Women are many times more disturbed by their husbands making an emotional connection to another woman than they are the sex (there are some exceptions). Saying you've been faithful is a stretch at best. I also noticed that you're trying to make a decision that will 'make everyone happy.' That ain't gonna happen so I suggest you try to avoid the analysis paralysis that can happen as a result. Sounds like your mind is made up anyway. I hope you're at least kind about it. ^^^ This! I personally am more fearful of a EA like OP has discribed than I would be a casual PA. EA is a strong indication that you are *invested*. That intimate thoughts and feelings were shared and "future-faking" was discussed. Usually EA are established with deep discussion that no MM should have with another woman visa versa. If your wife would feel betrayed by the words spoken/written via EA then yes, you have been unfaithful. No question. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 Seems your wife had an affair, now you have an affair. Your wife is "verbally abusive" and you hate her and no doubt she is not exactly enamoured with you either. This is madness. DIVORCE Your child doesn't deserve to be part of this squabbling and abuse. Most adult mental issues stem from how they were treated as children. Your child's future well-being is at risk here. Separate and sort yourselves out to be better parents, is the best you can do. IMO Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 Great way to finish business IME. Process it it out, get a co-parenting arrangement in place and move on. Lots of life left to live. BTDT.... If you want to spend some money and get some good insight on the psychology of it, try a good psychologist. I joined LS while we were in MC for essentially the same exact dynamic. Pro tip: Move on from LS too. Link to post Share on other sites
pheonixrisen Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 (edited) We have gone through MC and IC numerous times already. How do you honor a marital commitment when your heart has always been elsewhere? She married before I did, I couldn't just stay single and never find anyone else. You married your wife because your ex was unavailable..how disgusting how could any woman have a chance to work with you or marriage when you set it up for failure at get go...what are you looking for? Sympathy or you are trying to make your callous behaviour right in your head that ..my marriage is not good has never been ..because of it I am in EA with an ex I did not stop loving , my wife who actually goes to ic and mc did not really have a chance coz I much rather give my energy to my ex...If your marriage was not repairable why did you not leave your wife before your ex came into picture ..so why the affair ...why did you not leave as soon as you saw the potential of getting back with your ex....why did she not leave her marriage as soon as she saw the potential ? ...why have you guys gone back to individual spouses only to keep LC. ..you only love your self and feel self entitled to play with another life.. In all this I love my ex...my heart is with her blah blah .. have you bothered looking at your wife and seeing how emotionally traumatising this is for her but she needs to put up a brave front to deal with your child together while you are more concerned with how you can maintain contact with Ap. .. Edited February 17, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author Biere123 Posted February 17, 2015 Author Share Posted February 17, 2015 I loved her when we married, don't get me wrong. She's far from a saint. I don't completely disagree with your commentary. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 I'm sorry. I missed the part where your wife had an Affair...or is this just more misunderstanding of the actual content? Regardless of how imperfect she may have been, if cheating is wrong then it is wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
pheonixrisen Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 I loved her when we married, don't get me wrong. She's far from a saint. I don't completely disagree with your commentary. Well as it turned out you are no Saint either Mr....and it does take 2 to tango...and just a question is your other thread about trying to make sure the ow marriage is doomed as well before you leave yours?? Since its clear it's not your wife checked out having an EA/PA. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 Yes, she has been verbally abusive towards me for years. I have not decided what to do. I'm trying to do the right thing, mainly for the child. I don't know how to fix the marriage with all of the hurt she has brought me. My H was also M to an abuser. He tried to "fix" the M (and his xW) for the sake of the kids. It doesn't work. He also found love elsewhere, and struggled with what to do. His IC helped, as did his friends and family. They helped him to acknowledge that he also had a right to happiness, that it shouldn't only ever always be about her, and about the kids, and so he left. And the kids are so much happier now (as are we). Staying for the kids just prolongs the agony. For everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 My H was also M to an abuser. He tried to "fix" the M (and his xW) for the sake of the kids. It doesn't work. He also found love elsewhere, and struggled with what to do. His IC helped, as did his friends and family. They helped him to acknowledge that he also had a right to happiness, that it shouldn't only ever always be about her, and about the kids, and so he left. And the kids are so much happier now (as are we). Staying for the kids just prolongs the agony. For everyone. That really isn't the issue. The issue here is that cheating is wrong, whether one has a bad marriage or not. Pretty much everyone with mainstream, unselfish morality agrees on this. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 This woman is my first love and I have never stopped loving her. Is it more selfish of me to leave or stay in a relationship that will leave my wife unfulfilled and unhappy, as well as my daughter and myself? Our marriage is full of problems and has been for many years. We love each other, but it's more of a roommate scenario. I am conflicted because I'm trying to do the right thing. This is one thing that always bugs me whenever someone says "I never stopped being in love with this person" and yet..has had relationships with other people since then. If you never stopped loving this one woman how the hell did you ever enter into a relationship with someone else? See here is the thing, whether or not you could actually get together with the woman you love is irrelevant. You should not be entering into a relationship with someone if you still are in love with someone else. So example: if I fall in love with a girl and then she decides to move to..I don't know, Russia or something. I would never go with her, so we'd have to break up. But I wouldn't begin a new relationship until I no longer had any love for her, because it wouldn't be fair to me or the other person. Especially when, if I am with one person but in love with another..that essentially sends the message to your current partner of "I'm with you by default, but I'd rather be with someone else but they aren't available". Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 That really isn't the issue. The issue here is that cheating is wrong, whether one has a bad marriage or not. Actually, no. That may be your issue, but it's not the issue. The issue, as outlined in the OP (which, according to the Community Guidelines, is what determines what the issue really is - as opposed to what some members may wish it to be) is this: wife and I have been married for 7 years, with a child...we haven't gotten along in the last four years I'd say. Recently reconnected with old flame that I've never gotten over, and we began an emotional relationship that has lasted 6 months or so. Both spouses have found out and are furious. We have had limited contact since, but we both know we love each other. Any guidance without judging? So I think you'll find that my reply addressed the issue, albeit not the one you'd have preferred. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 Actually, no. That may be your issue, but it's not the issue. The issue, as outlined in the OP (which, according to the Community Guidelines, is what determines what the issue really is - as opposed to what some members may wish it to be) is this: So I think you'll find that my reply addressed the issue, albeit not the one you'd have preferred. Good point. OP, you will be able to read stories about people who dealt with their marriage checkout through working on the marriage. You can talk to people who dealt with it by leaving. You can talk to people who dealt with it by cheating on or with another person's spouse. The question you have to ask is, what are your values? Do your values celebrate honesty, or do they celebrate lying, deceiving and betraying? When push comes to shove, the bottom line question is what kind of man do you want to be? Link to post Share on other sites
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