Second Chance....More Like 10th!!

[MrTeddybear615]

I must forewarn you....this is long. If you aren't down for reading a long post or are pressed for time....this may not be the one for you. Thanks for stopping by though.

 

Shame on me right? I've yet to learn how to just move on. Oh, hello reader, I'm sure you're wandering what I'm talking about. The life and love of MrTeddybear615. Ah, yes, that tragic, but self-afflicting wound of a tale I continue to live. It all started back in 2006, November to be more specific. The year I met what turned out to be the love of my life. Contacted me through Myspace.....Oh I understand, get to the point you say. Ok, sorry. Almost started a book there. Here is the best condensed, detailed background I can give you.

 

The Beginning to Middle

 

Met and started dating Dec. 18th, 2006. Moved in together in January and things were great, not perfect up until middle of 2009. But what is perfect in this life, right? A few arguments here and there...you know...life occurred. But not once did we ever hit each out, not once did either of us storm out of the house....things were pretty good. I cook, clean, do laundry....the whole nine yards. I even gave her nightly full body massages without expecting anything in return. Sex life was good, although it started to slow down a lot. I generally took care of everything for the household and let you relax as best as she could. She played a part in the bills, but I handled it all. Just trying to be the typical head of household figurehead you know. She had some significant medical issues that I accepted and stuck by her side during surgery and all. Things were going pretty good I thought. 2010 comes and things turn for the worse. July 17 2009. Hell Day is what I call it. Yes, I remember dates...this is my love...I remember all. This day was bad....big argument as as lied to me about a phone call in the middle of the night. Said it was her best friend, but it was a guy. She left the bedroom to talk on the phone.....it was suspicious and I my suspicious were true. We fought and she left. Came back the next day and we talked. I balled like a baby asking if she had cheated, and she swore she hadn't. I accepted and moved on. Over the next few weeks, things just weren't the same. She moved out saying she needed space and time to work on herself. I agreed to her decision.

 

I Got Crazy Jealous

 

I cried day and night for a month. Lost over 10lbs in two weeks due to not eating. I couldn't watch TV or listen to the radio without something reminding me of her and us. But things got crazy during that month. Keep reading. Instead of focusing on herself, she had started to searching for guys on dating websites and within a week of moving was already talking to a guy. A guy in another state....a guy with no car....a guy she was spending all her money on to pick him up and go out. I went into a tunnel vision jealousy I had never experience before in my life. I had no clue I was the jealous type until this very moment. I was checking her Facebook, email, bank account, dating account, everything. I know her like the back of my hand so passwords weren't hard to crack. The straw the broke the camel's back was around my birthday 2010. At this point I had done everything I could to win her back, but it failed. Before she left, we had agreed to make each other gifts via DIY craft projects. I took some pictures, made a poem and beautifully put it in a large frame. She never made my gift. So fast forward to March 2010, around my birthday, she knew I wanted some shoes and had said she'd get them. She never did. She instead made me basically the same DIY gift I made her. She gave me a sob story about be broke and how she was so upset that she couldn't get me shoes. Come to learn later that she couldn't get me shoes b/c she had spent her money buying her "guy friend (whom I call Kentucky)" some shoes. The next day, I mentally snapped. I couldn't handle the lies anymore. Told her to get the rest of her stuff out of our apartment and to leave me alone for as long as I leave. I said some harsh things....I know...but I was really hurt.

 

The Cycle Starts

 

The two days after I "mentally/emotionally" snapped, I felt awful about how I handled myself. I emailed her and told her I was sorry for my behavior and I shouldn't have said the things I did to her. That if she didn't want me anymore then fine and I would move on. She flipped her story. Said she was sorry for all the pain she's caused and that she wanted to come back. I was overjoyed and welcomed her back with open arms. Boom....she's pregnant. Yes, it's mine. 2011 we have our beautiful baby girl. We move into a new apartment and things seem to be going great. Until she said she wasn't happy. I wasn't accepting pain this time. I look her in the eyes and said if you don't want to be here, then I'll move out. And that what I did. I left....assuming primary custody of my child. I had her most of the time while my ex had her maybe a day or two. During this time, she was screwing God knows who and very frequently....that I learn later. Our sex left prior to the split was horrible and it hurt me knowing she was oh so willing to screw multiple times a day several times a week with one guy when I could barely get 2 times a night twice a week. I was hurt and missing her. I wanted her back. My heart was aching, literally, without her. She kept texting and calling me as if she wanted to try again, but never stopped talking to the other guys. She moved from our old place to the same apt complex I lived in. I had helped her move, doing most of the work while she was at her new apt screwing some guy I found out later. I confronted her on another lie and call it quits again, (no we weren't dating, but quits on us just being friends or a couple retrying). She played the poor me role and I fell for it. So we tried again for real this time....failed. Again...failed. Again....failed. So on and so forth. Every single time due to her and her lies. Hiding things, lying, cheating, and etc. I get to points where I can move on and she creeps back in and says she loves me and wants me, but it never seems to be real or last.

 

Now We Are Here

 

Fast forward to 2014. The cycle has not ending but it's getting strained. I'm waiting less and less to see if things work and I'm a lot more cautious...as best I can given that I keep going back....and I check more things. I call it off again in June, 2 weeks before her birthday, the one I helped her mom plan as a surprise party. Shortly after she calls me twice in a 2 week span to take her to the hospital. I agree b/c I love her and care. While there, I notice, through snooping in her phone, that she was talking to 5....yes 5 different guys at the time and screwing at least 2 of them on a regular basis. I start to plan an escape. Move out of state. That was the plan. Let her know and she said nothing to me. She bad mouthed me to the sitter and I reacted in a mature way, but she didn't like that. We argued. I maid mention of her "boy toys" how in the future she needs to call them to take her to the hospital and she said she just wants me out of her life. That cut me deep, but also pissed me off. I did the dumbest thing we humans tend to do these days.....logged into Facebook. I made a post, but refrained from using her name or divulging any real secrets, but my post was clear......I could ruin you in middle TN with everything I knew. I later recanted the whole thing and deleted it, but not before someone told her of the post. We weren't FB friends but I'm sure someone showed her. She called me at midnight and said she understood why I felt the way I do. She understood that I wasn't being the guy she met or knew and that she created the "emotionally charged monster". She admits it's her fault we are where we are. But that she's just doesn't understand why she's can't love me the way she used too. I told her, through sobs of tears, that if that's the case then she has to let me go. Stop reaching out to me. Stop pretending that she still cared. We ending the call and I didn't sleep one wink. The following Sunday, I'm actually on a date with a new girl of interest. I get a text from my ex apologizing for everything. I know those kinds of text. I tried to call but couldn't get a hold of her. She tried to overdose, but failed. Thank God. Naturally I blamed myself, but I know it's not true. That was in July 2014. From then till now, I've tried to be there for her and support her as she's going through depression, anxiety, and everything else. At the same time, she never really stopped being the promiscuous person she turned into, although, slowing it down to one person sexually, but multiple verbally. She approached the idea of us trying again and I was more than willing to try. But of course that didn't last long. Dec. 2014, I found texts that weren't right and said I had had enough. I could't emotionally take anymore. Beginning of the year she calls and says she is struggling due to what she's done to me. Says she hates to hurt me and cause me pain and that she knows she has a problem. Says she wants to work those issues out and try to be a family again. But asked me not to wait for her. If I find someone before she get's her head out of her butt then I should pursue it. I want to wait. I want to be that family. I love her dearly. I know reading all this.....btw congrats on getting this far.....it sounds like she's a awful person and we had a horrible relationship but the actual relationship was always good. Something just changed and I don't know if it will ever be the same. Am I crazy? More than likely I am. What is going on here? What is she doing? Why can't she move away from me? Why can't I leave her alone. Thanks.

[Zahara]

I want to wait. I want to be that family. I love her dearly. I know reading all this.....btw congrats on getting this far.....it sounds like she's a awful person and we had a horrible relationship but the actual relationship was always good.

 

The relationship may have been good in the beginning but you can't base the quality of a good relationship when from the start of 2009 till the present time, it's been a shythole.

 

Stop idealizing and romanticizing someone that treats you like garbage. You're a doormat. I hate to kick you when you are down but you seriously need to find your backbone. It's no wonder she treats you this way because every single time you take her back after she's kicked you in the nuts, you're teaching her that you tolerate disrespect.

 

Oh she's sick so I took her to the doctor's because I love her. Then she turns around and dumps on you? Where is your self-respect?

 

This is not love. This co-dependency. A toxic attachment. If you don't know what co-dependency is, read up. And also read up on women who suffer from BPD because she sounds mentally and emotionally dysfunctional. And by you being in such a relationship says something about your own mindset. There is no love. Love doesn't treat people this way nor does it cause you such torment and grief.

 

Something just changed and I don't know if it will ever be the same. Am I crazy? More than likely I am. What is going on here? What is she doing? Why can't she move away from me? Why can't I leave her alone. Thanks.

 

Who knows what she is doing, the question is what are you doing? You have no right to question her actions when yours are absolutely toxic. Point the finger at yourself because things only change when you break the cycle.

 

She can't move away from you because you are a safe place, a fallback, the backburner guy, the crutch, the one that picks her up when she falls. That's all it is. If there was anything more, you wouldn't be cast aside while she bangs every guy in town.

 

You can't leave her alone because you are co-dependent and you lack self-love. You've lost all self-respect and value in yourself that you deem someone that treats you this was is equivalent to love. How warped is that? Co-dependents will twist into a pretzel to make someone love them. The more they get rejected, the harder they try. You soon forget yourself and cast your whole world around what you seek to please. This is what you are doing -- please, please love me, why won't you love me, see I'm always here when you need me so please love me, I'll do anything for you to love me. And that means waiting around and going back everytime she gives you some sob story.

 

What's worse about this all is the chaos your child has to go through while two grown adults toss each other around and create such instability.

 

If it hasn't worked for the 10th time, it's never going to work.

 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

Edited January 26, 2015 by Zahara

[Zahara]

From then till now, I've tried to be there for her and support her as she's going through depression, anxiety, and everything else.

 

Her issues are hers to fix. You can't fix someone when 1) you're in a similar boat because you need fixing yourself 2) it comes at the expense of your own emotional and mental wellbeing.

 

Change has to come from her. It has to be an effort based on true commitment. And only she can do that. If she is not showing you that, or isn't committed 100%, you need to stop carrying her burdens because not only do you enable her bad behavior, it in turn affects your own wellbeing.

[MrTeddybear615]

Zahara - In truth, I've never wanted to put myself in the co-dependent category. I never saw it that way, but I know truthfully you're right. There was/is love there, but it's not the love it used to be. I knew that a year ago, but I kept trying obtain what I once had. I've taken who I was and altered it to become what I though she wanted. The complaints she's had over the years, I've adjusted to them. I can definitely see how I am a door mat, but I do I have limits. My heart feels empty without her. I never thought the heart could go through pains like this outside of real medical conditions, but there have been times where I have had strong heart pains after dealing with the lose of our relationship.

 

I will agreed that in the past I've done some toxic things, but as of late, it's mainly me trying to just be there for her while at the same time trying to reconcile our relationship. I will say this though, my daughter has never been in the middle of our issues or seen anything. She still gets to see both of us on a normal basis.

 

I questions her actions b/c she tells me she will/has done otherwise. I give her a wide range of space and give her trust to a extent. When I feel as though something is off, that's when I check her phone, and 9/10 times....I find what I was looking for. I don't dictate her life, I don't restrict the access of male friends, and I don't keep her sheltered in with me. If she wants to go out with friends and I don't, I urge her too. I have never been that kind of person.

 

I will also agree that at this point, I should just give up. I just wish things were different. It's just hard b/c after 8 years, it's hard to give up something you thought was real and will last. I totally appreciate your feedback and I agree with most of not all.

[Zahara]

There was/is love there, but it's not the love it used to be.

 

It's dependency. It's a warped sense of love. Granted that is what you may have both had in the beginning but that dynamic has changed and it has become unhealthy -- in that sense your "love" has morphed into toxicity. This is where you need to stop idealizing it and attaching what you had in the past to what you have now. The truth of your relationship is your reality at this moment in time.

 

I knew that a year ago, but I kept trying obtain what I once had. I've taken who I was and altered it to become what I though she wanted. The complaints she's had over the years, I've adjusted to them. I can definitely see how I am a door mat, but I do I have limits. My heart feels empty without her. I never thought the heart could go through pains like this outside of real medical conditions, but there have been times where I have had strong heart pains after dealing with the lose of our relationship.

 

We all have experienced these pains. Yours is not out of the ordinary. I've experienced pains from ending long term relationships and a toxic marriage/painful divorce. Losing a relationship is akin to experiencing the death of a loved on. The grief is unbearable. I remember having a dull aching pain in my chest. I remember my whole body feeling numb and lifeless. I remember looking gaunt and wasting away. We've all be through it. But it is never a reason nor justification keep going back. What you do with it is you feel that pain and you push through because the only way past it is through it. There is no other way.

 

You feel pain, and in order to alleviate those feelings you go back to her but what you're doing is seeking comfort from what pains you. It's self-torture. It's a never ending cycle. The next time you feel pain, brave through it. We've all gone through it, and we've made it to the other side. You will too. You just have to find your courage and your determination to break the cycle.

 

If your daughter was posting this about a man treating her this way, what would you tell her? Heed your advice.

 

I will agreed that in the past I've done some toxic things, but as of late, it's mainly me trying to just be there for her while at the same time trying to reconcile our relationship. I will say this though, my daughter has never been in the middle of our issues or seen anything. She still gets to see both of us on a normal basis.

 

You should not be "trying" to be there for her. You can't reconcile a relationship by yourself. You have to have two people with the same intent and with the same drive to make a relationship work. You keep trying to bend, twist, jump, sit to make this work when she just cannot reciprocate.

 

I questions her actions b/c she tells me she will/has done otherwise. I give her a wide range of space and give her trust to a extent. When I feel as though something is off, that's when I check her phone, and 9/10 times....I find what I was looking for. I don't dictate her life, I don't restrict the access of male friends, and I don't keep her sheltered in with me. If she wants to go out with friends and I don't, I urge her too. I have never been that kind of person.

 

But what sort of relationship is that when you have to police your partner? What sort of relationship are you trying to save when she has no respect for you? What sort of relationship do you think you will have if you cannot trust her? Even if she came back, things will never be the same.

 

I will also agree that at this point, I should just give up. I just wish things were different. It's just hard b/c after 8 years, it's hard to give up something you thought was real and will last. I totally appreciate your feedback and I agree with most of not all.

 

8 years is a long time but nothing lasts forever, Teddybear. Nothing is ever guaranteed. Marriages that have lasted decades end. The length of a relationship doesn't justify staying in it when it has lost it's shelf life. Infact it's a huge indicator to you that you shouldn't be spending anymore years investing in a relationship that has not brought you any return since 2009.

 

Unless you want to keep spending more years doing the same thing over and over again, it's time you pick yourself off from the floor and make a choice to break a vicious cycle.

Edited January 26, 2015 by Zahara