SunshineGirlie Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 Do you guys really think what I did was THAT bad? I mean I get that he could be jealous but it was never my intention. Ever since that episode he is very distant and cold, isn't he kinda overreacting? I feel he's being unfair to me, I was just telling a story and it was something that happened ages ago... If it was him telling some kind of story I would be jealous of course but I wouldn't become THIS upset, it's a big overreaction isn't it? I don't think it's the events of that evening that have him as upset at this moment in time as it is you seeming to not give much credence and validation to his feelings of being upset and embarrassed. Even if you don't agree with his feelings, it's important that you respect them and respect the way it made him feel. A simple, "I'm so sorry I embarrassed you - I never meant to hurt you by what I said" with a loving embrace will go a long way. And then put on a comedy and have a movie night with your fiance. A little bit of laughter will also help heal! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 You only made matters worse by berating him when he tried to express to you that this bothered him. Oldshirt is right, you want the lines of communication open in a marriage and you have damaged that for him right now. By lashing out at him you showed him that his feelings don't matter if you don't agree with what he is saying. That is dangerous ground to treat on. I don't think it's the events of that evening that have him as upset at this moment in time as it is you seeming to not give much credence and validation to his feelings of being upset and embarrassed. Even if you don't agree with his feelings, it's important that you respect them and respect the way it made him feel. A simple, "I'm so sorry I embarrassed you - I never meant to hurt you by what I said" with a loving embrace will go a long way. And then put on a comedy and have a movie night with your fiance. A little bit of laughter will also help heal! I think these are the best lessons to learn from this. We all screw up and say things that we shouldn't from time to time, but to then invalidate your partner's feelings on the matter makes things ten times worse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 "Could you please NOT touch on this subject when you're with me? It makes me feel really uncomfortable..." sounds pretty straight forward to me. he really really hates this behavior of yours. you do not have to understand it. you do not have to talk to him about it. just NEVER do it again. and yes you should have immediately told him "I see this really bothers you, so I will never do that again". your dragging this out, seeking approval for your actions on the internet, just pissed him off way farther. Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 Very, very few people in committed relationship can stand the thought of their significant other being with someone else. Men are very visual creatures and as soon as you start mentioning past sexual partners, their mind goes nuts imagining all of these events. From a lot of the post on the forum, this is very common for women too. It sounds like you've learned your lesson, but yeah, it's just not very tactful. I suspect you would probably feel similar if you heard him joking with his buddies about a one night stand or some other past sexual experience. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 Well thanks for everyone who posted here... I apologized to him and asked what exactly bothered him. He said he felt embarassed and disrespected about me telling joyfully about those experiences. He told me he knew I didn't mean to but he couldn't help feeling that way. I said I was sorry and I would watch about what I speak of in front of our friends. It didn't help that everyone was drunk at the time and it just kinda skiped out of me... I wouldn't want him to talk about girls he banged or hooked up with in ANY context. I was dumb as hell for telling the story and now I feel horrible and ashamed because I disrespected my future husband and made him embarassed in front of others... He said everything is fine now, but I don't know...I feel it's gonna be a while until things go back to way they used to be :/ I really hope I didn't ruin everything by my dumb as **** actions I'm sure it'll be fine. Don't bring it up anymore. If he can't overlook something like this after you made it clear that you're sorry and will be much more mindful in the future, then he's too harsh and I'm not sure he would be right for you. The last thing you need is to be with someone who has unbending rules. It's fine that he let you know your actions bothered him but he will need to let it go. If he can't, you may want to re-think this relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hyrule Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 I'm sure it'll be fine. Don't bring it up anymore. If he can't overlook something like this after you made it clear that you're sorry and will be much more mindful in the future, then he's too harsh and I'm not sure he would be right for you. The last thing you need is to be with someone who has unbending rules. It's fine that he let you know your actions bothered him but he will need to let it go. If he can't, you may want to re-think this relationship. It seems everything is fine now, thank godness because I was worried sick. I love him very much and he has done a lot for me even before we started dating, he's a wonderful person. He's not the kind of person that keeps bringing old resolved issues back all the time, I hope we can burry this thing forever, because I really want to live the rest of my life with him. I made him sure that now I know what I did was foolish and totally dumb, he forgave me and told me he loved me more than that subject bothered him.. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
kylle Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 It seems everything is fine now, thank godness because I was worried sick. I love him very much and he has done a lot for me even before we started dating, he's a wonderful person. He's not the kind of person that keeps bringing old resolved issues back all the time, I hope we can burry this thing forever, because I really want to live the rest of my life with him. I made him sure that now I know what I did was foolish and totally dumb, he forgave me and told me he loved me more than that subject bothered him.. There you go...lesson learned I guess. Some people just can't stand thinking the person they love was once on the hands of someone else, I'm kinda like that and it hurts... Hell, I used to have problems "standing up" after me and my girlfriend discussed past relationships because I couldn't stop thinking she was once with someone else. I went through therapy to fix that and it worked thank god lol... Bottom line...just be careful about what you're speaking of, specially in front of other people. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 I really think some people are blowing this really out of proportion. I don't agree with the idea that you have "edit" yourself to fit the ideal for someone else. But I also agree that there is compromising in relationships. So I think you two discussing it further was excellent and getting to the meat of the issue. I have zero issues with my husband discussing his previous relationships with me, I am actually quite interested. For me, would be the discussions with others by tone and body language. Partnerships are a compromise of making the other person happy and being true to yourself. You two are navigating those waters together and you will each bobble at times. As long as you can come back together, that is what is important. I will say, those that have major issues with their SO's pasts as tied to their current relationships have serious self esteem issues that sits solely on them. People have pasts and you either love them for their entirety or you don't truly love them at all. Link to post Share on other sites
kylle Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 I really think some people are blowing this really out of proportion. I don't agree with the idea that you have "edit" yourself to fit the ideal for someone else. But I also agree that there is compromising in relationships. So I think you two discussing it further was excellent and getting to the meat of the issue. I have zero issues with my husband discussing his previous relationships with me, I am actually quite interested. For me, would be the discussions with others by tone and body language. Partnerships are a compromise of making the other person happy and being true to yourself. You two are navigating those waters together and you will each bobble at times. As long as you can come back together, that is what is important. I will say, those that have major issues with their SO's pasts as tied to their current relationships have serious self esteem issues that sits solely on them. People have pasts and you either love them for their entirety or you don't truly love them at all. I think THAT was the problem OP went through, it was the tone and how she described cheerfully and happilly her experiences from the past AND in front of other people... I wouldn't like it, as you said you also wouldn not... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Yes, mormons in my city are WAY off than they should be. They are more like Jehovah's Witness than mormons per se. I know, it's screwed. That was some of the things that make me not want to follow their religion. I'm not from the US, btw. Um... I was raised Mormon/LDS as well. The church follows a blueprint no matter which country you are in. I have not been active for many years but i am pretty sure if things were being done like that you would have some higher ups there handling the situation. My brothers served missions in three countries... Never had parents with kids go door to door. Weird. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hyrule Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 Um... I was raised Mormon/LDS as well. The church follows a blueprint no matter which country you are in. I have not been active for many years but i am pretty sure if things were being done like that you would have some higher ups there handling the situation. My brothers served missions in three countries... Never had parents with kids go door to door. Weird. I lived in a small south american town when I was young, in all my life we were visited only once by church superiors. The faith was a mess in our town, there was even some people arrested accused of stealing from the church, when I visited the US I met some real mormons, and like you they also thought it was just plain weird but this really happens...no supervising + middle of nowhere place + a-holes in charge = total mess. This was one of the things that moved me away from their religion. Link to post Share on other sites
Blunana81 Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 People are always saying that they wished the men in their lives communicated better and shared their feelings with them and communicated their their dissatisfactions with them before blowing up the relationship and dumping them. He has now communicated and shared his feelings with you on a behavior that he finds distasteful and embarrassing and humiliating in front of his friends. You do not have to agree with his rationale if you don't want but you have been warned and he has been upfront about it. Just be aware that you may not get another warning. Take this advise...literally. You probably will NOT get another warning. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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