ddlovexx Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 (edited) Hi there, Writing this cause I can't sleep. He's locked himself in another room to sleep. So, we've been together 4 months. Living together almost a month (he asked me). Things are generally really good. He's the most loving man I've ever been with, wonderful and definitely see myself long term with him, as does he. He always talks about how much he loves our life together and all that. He also has a two year old daughter... We are obviously heavily invested at this point. As loving and wonderful as he is, he can also be mean and very hurtful. Basically, he got mad about something I posted on Instagram. He doesn't do social media. It was a video of me dancing but I was clothed and it was just random for throw back Thursdsy. It was honestly an innocent post and the last thing I thought about was him getting mad about it... I mean who really cares? One of his coworkers showed it to him and he texted me saying I obviously am seeking attention, etc. and that I'm embarrassing and pathetic. I apologized, said it wasn't anything like that and that honestly it was meaningless. He ditched me and our plans for the night. I came home and went to bed. He was watching a movie and obviously had no desire to talk to me. He fell asleep on the couch and I woke I the middle of the night and asked him to come to bed. He said no, he doesn't want to be around me. I got upset, took it somewhat out of proportion by almost begging him to just come to bed. He said some mean things like calling me a moron and yelled at me to leave him the **** alone. I just kept saying that I couldn't sleep and didn't want it to be like this, he was hurting me and I just want him to come to bed. I obviously pushed him (I was hurt... Dumb move) and he said "pack your **** I'm not doing this again tomorrow" went in the other bedroom and locked it. I knocked on the door and said "babe please, I love you, can you stop this?" Nothing. I'm incredibly hurt. How could you act this way towards someone you love? He's 30 it's not like he's 22. I apologized for the stupid video and embarrassing him, multiple times. I know he will wake and go to work and not speak to me. Do you really think he will throw away the relationship like this? I'd never expect him to just kick me out, and I'm close with his daughter so Id like to think he wouldn't make such a rash decision. We're usually really good about talking through things, more often than not. It seems when we fight that somehow it is always my fault and I start to hate myself for possibly ruining a good thing. But he also gets very cold and mean when we argue (1-2x a week, if that) How can a loving man be so hurtful sometimes? Any input would be great... My heart hurts bad and I can't sleep. Edited January 24, 2015 by ddlovexx Link to post Share on other sites
newlyborn Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 oh my, this is quite a bit of drama for a four-month relationship. it sounds as though you moved in with him prior to knowing him well, and prior to his knowing you. he in now trying to undo the rash decision of having you move in by putting you out. the relationship sounds premature, very immature, and dysfunctional -- his friends are looking at your instagram and reporting on you. he is impulsive, dramatic, and verbally abusive because he is embarrassed in front of his friends. why don't you take the out you have been given? 22 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ddlovexx Posted January 24, 2015 Author Share Posted January 24, 2015 I love him and there is far more good than bad. This is just a bad part. We are happy and have fun and are very comfy with each other 80% of the time and I think that counts for more than a fight. I do think this fight is very immature... I'm not blind to that. But it doesn't seem he'll even speak to me. Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 He's being verbally abusive. I'd pack a bag and leave asap. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 No, OP, you're wrong. If 16 weeks into a relationship 20% of the time is bad, you're arguing weekly, he's cold and nasty when you do, he tells you to pack your stuff and get out during an argument, and he shows strong signs of being emotionally abusive by kicking off about a video of you dancing for god's sake, things are flawed to the core and aren't ever going to get better. I'm shocked that someone with a small impressionable kid to think about has moved a woman in after a few weeks, and it seems to me that he's realised things aren't going well and wants you to leave but can't be a man and bring it up calmly between you two, he's orchestrating fights and being awful to you. Treat this as an exercise in why you should NEVER move too fast. I was practically living with my boyfriend by about month two or three (he was staying at mine literally every night) but we didn't formally move in until six months because we both knew that the wonderful way it was going could just be infatuation and we both wanted us to have that bolt hole and lack of pressure of having our own places. By month six things were still wonderful so we moved in and I was happy to give my place up, we'd had one or two little arguments enough to know how each other handled them, but things had been sufficiently wonderful 99% of the time for us to know moving in had a good shot. If things had been as rocky as they had with you guys or either of us had kids, we would not have moved so quickly. This relationship you're in isn't going to end well, the kindest most sensible thing you can do for yourself now is to gather up your mistakes and move out. 15 Link to post Share on other sites
newlyborn Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 But it doesn't seem he'll even speak to me. he wants you to leave. he made a mistake moving you in. he realizes that, and he is trying to get you out. even if you manage to make up for a time, i can almost guarantee that you will not be in this relationship or living with this man longterm. i am very sorry. i think you should stop pleading with him, be strong, take the things you need immediately with a plan to get the rest later, and leave. at the very least, you will show this manchild that he can't behave this horribly and still get to be with you. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ddlovexx Posted January 24, 2015 Author Share Posted January 24, 2015 (edited) Jesus, this is harsh. I haven't found it to be bad enough to leave. We share a life together. We work and come home and spend time with the baby, spend our off days together. Go on dates, go out with friends. Cook for each other, surprise each other... Fall asleep lovingly in each other's arms every night (this is the first night he's slept away from me). I don't know I have the strength to just leave without trying to talk about it. Maybe he'll realize how awful he was being? Ugh </3 He's even said in the past that if we didn't work out, he wouldn't just throw me out. Edited January 24, 2015 by ddlovexx Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 Hi there, he can also be mean and very hurtful. and that I'm embarrassing and pathetic. He said some mean things like calling me a moron and yelled at me to leave him the **** alone. he said "pack your **** I'm not doing this again tomorrow" ( It does not matter that he's nice 80% of the times. The things he said to you cancel everything nice he could have ever said or done. This man is controlling and abusive. If he is like this after 4 months only I assure you soon he'll be pushing you physically, squeezing your wrist and the abuse will get out of control. Pack your things and leave. Don't let him suck you back in with his begging and his ILY. He will never change and never get better he will always treat you with name calling and control. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
newlyborn Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 OP, this is a bit worrisome. this man is being aggressive toward you actively, cussing you out and name-calling, and telling you to leave his home. i know that you are distraught and pleading with him. but this is still a form of refusal that could escalate the situation. at the very least, take the things you absolutely need and leave for a day or two. i would hate for you to get even more hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 Here is the cycle of abuse, please read, I am sure you will recognize the pattern: Cycle of Abuse 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ddlovexx Posted January 24, 2015 Author Share Posted January 24, 2015 He would never lay a hand on me, but I guess he is emotionally abusing me. I mean, in the past we've been good about talking things out and he always says "we'll work on it" and the last time he had to pull a "I won't do it again", he really never did anything like it again. I'm the first serious, live-in relationship he's had in two years and I tend to think he is learning how to do it again. I think I'll give him a day. He'll be at work all day anyway and I'd like to think he'll shoot me a text at some point, for some reason. I'm going to try my best to be strong and distant and if he wants me to leave, I will... I'm just not sure if he really meant that or if the alcohol/half asleepness was the reason for what he said. He honestly doesn't lash out too often and tends to be the one to come around and apologize first. There is also a child involved. But I'm hurt and tend to over-do it when I am bc I don't handle pain well. I guess time will tell. I need to find some strength Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 He would never lay a hand on me Please don't think this. A man allowing this type of emotional abuse after 4 MONTHS has control and aggressiveness issues. I know how to recognize an abusive man, and I know the abuse cycle by heart. I hope the day he throws something at you or punch a hole in the wall you will think back on that cycle. Anyway, physical or not physical, abuse is abuse. but I guess he is emotionally abusing me. I mean, in the past we've been good about talking things out and he always says "we'll work on it" and the last time he had to pull a "I won't do it again" There you go, and he did it again didn't he? or last time it was worse? I am glad you see the abuse and the cycle. I'm the first serious, live-in relationship he's had in two years and I tend to think he is learning how to do it again. Learning how to do it again? Sweetie, At his age you don't need to learn how to respect someone, you have it in you or you don't. You think he does this because he's out of practice? Out of practice of what? Respect? consideration? There is also a child involved. But I'm hurt and tend to over-do it when I am bc I don't handle pain well. I guess time will tell. I need to find some strength You don't handle pain well? NO one handles pain well. No one should be used to that type of pain. Here is a trick. Imagine you have a daughter, or imagine a niece you have, a sister, your mom, would you like a man to treat them like this? No, never. If it's not good enough for a woman you love, why is good enough for you? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 He would never lay a hand on me, but I guess he is emotionally abusing me. I mean, in the past we've been good about talking things out and he always says "we'll work on it" and the last time he had to pull a "I won't do it again", he really never did anything like it again. I'm the first serious, live-in relationship he's had in two years and I tend to think he is learning how to do it again. I think I'll give him a day. He'll be at work all day anyway and I'd like to think he'll shoot me a text at some point, for some reason. I'm going to try my best to be strong and distant and if he wants me to leave, I will... I'm just not sure if he really meant that or if the alcohol/half asleepness was the reason for what he said. He honestly doesn't lash out too often and tends to be the one to come around and apologize first. There is also a child involved. But I'm hurt and tend to over-do it when I am bc I don't handle pain well. I guess time will tell. I need to find some strength I believed my last ex of 7 months would never lay a hand on me either until he raised his hand to strike me. I ran and locked myself away but then rode out what I had to (rest of the weekend) and ended it once I was home and safe. My ex wasn't verbally abusive, just emotionally abusive, controlling and very needy. I ended things with him 2 years ago almost and it's only now that I have found something (a book) that totally explains absolutely everything that I went through with him. I feel like the fog has been lifted. For the record I never gave in to his demands (my problem was that I thought he would return to be the guy I met - I was very wrong) - which meant they came thick and fast and there was a 'problem' every few days. So your guy has already said 'I won't do it again' in the past? What happened that time? I assumed this must be the first time this 'kind' of thing had happened but if you are only 4 months in and it's been more than once then you have something to worry about. Make sure your friends and family are aware of what is going on. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 Jesus, this is harsh. I haven't found it to be bad enough to leave. We share a life together. We work and come home and spend time with the baby, spend our off days together. Go on dates, go out with friends. Cook for each other, surprise each other... Fall asleep lovingly in each other's arms every night (this is the first night he's slept away from me). I don't know I have the strength to just leave without trying to talk about it. Maybe he'll realize how awful he was being? Ugh </3 He's even said in the past that if we didn't work out, he wouldn't just throw me out. It worries me that you talk about 'we share a life together' and 'there's a child involved' when you've been together 16 weeks and have only been sharing a life together for four. That's 28 days you've been sharing a life together. You're talking like it's five years into a marriage and you're wondering whether to throw the towel in. It comes across like there's a part of you that really likes playing 'grown up', or playing house, that you enjoy the idea of being in a committed adult relationship, and perhaps that's why you guys have fast forwarded this relationship to this point instead of where it should be four months in. How old are you? Have you had serious relationships before? He said in the past if it doesn't work he wouldn't just throw you out. Yet last night he told you to get your stuff and get out. This is a sad lesson in trying not to trust somebody you've known a couple months with something as serious as the roof over your head. If you were going to try living together, you should have at least kept your own apartment or house for another several months to trial what living together felt like while knowing you still had somewhere safe to live if things went wrong. He would never lay a hand on me, but I guess he is emotionally abusing me. I mean, in the past we've been good about talking things out and he always says "we'll work on it" and the last time he had to pull a "I won't do it again", he really never did anything like it again. I'm the first serious, live-in relationship he's had in two years and I tend to think he is learning how to do it again. You don't have a clue what he would or wouldn't ever do to you, when you've known him for such a small period of time. He could be anyone. Emotional abuse often escalates to physical abuse. It is very very concerning he's acting like this so quickly, and that tells me he's only going to get worse. Please think of yourself, and that small girl, and listen to what he's saying and get your stuff together while he's at work and move out. If he comes home and says he's sorry and doesn't want you to leave after all you can guarantee it won't be long before he's telling you to get out again. Abusers like to do this, by the way. It's a power thing. If he's like you say he is, he probably gets a kick out of the fact he holds the power with your accommodation and can make you homeless at the drop of a hat. He may use that as a weapon to keep you meek and compliant (you're already apologising profusely and begging him to forgive you, for a simple video that you don't see a problem with but he apparently doesn't like!) can't you see the dynamic between you is dangerous? 12 Link to post Share on other sites
toffeecream77 Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 This man is controlling and abusive. If he is like this after 4 months only I assure you soon he'll be pushing you physically, squeezing your wrist and the abuse will get out of control. Pack your things and leave. Don't let him suck you back in with his begging and his ILY. He will never change and never get better he will always treat you with name calling and control. So true....sorry, OP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 (edited) You created three threads about this guy you've been dating for 4 months. You'd think it would be the best time of your relationship so new into it and the last place you'd be is writing on LS about what's flawed. That in itself tells you that it's not all that it's cracked up to be. First thread was your worry about him telling you he may not want to get married again or have a child. Second thread was about how you both have nothing much in common, how he's not into the holiday traditions like you are, how he pokes at you and makes jokes about you infront of his friends that you don't like or find appropriate. Then now a thread about how he rages 1-2 times a week and he's asked you to get out. I'd pay careful attention when a guy flings put downs in the guise of "jokes", and when he's doing it infront of others. It's telling you something. OP, if 80% is good, and 20% is abusive, it's not the relationship you think it is. You're 22. Don't start conditioning yourself to tolerate poor treatment because if you do, you're going to keep making bad choices as the years go by. Edited January 24, 2015 by Zahara 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Otter2569 Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 Honestly you did more than your share to try and make up. Do you have somewhere to go for a day or two? I would take the out at least temporarily and let him think about his actions. See what happens and if he comes around. If he doesnt, then you know where you stand. If he does, I would have some serious talk about his behavior. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ddlovexx Posted January 24, 2015 Author Share Posted January 24, 2015 Those things have fixed. He has learned to do things I enjoy, even if he doesn't necessarily enjoy them. In regards to marriage it was never off the table, he just wasn't sure he'd ever want to or not want to. He said he could see himself marrying me. I've been in two other serious (1 year long, both of them) relationships a couple years ago that weren't even nearly as serious as this. I would've never moved in with either of those other men. I've seen a lot of progress since the start. (Not that I'm innocent of course) He does seem to want to be better and works hard to not do the same thing more than once. This is really only the second time he's ever lashed out during our relationship and alcohol had a role in the first one... He didn't even remember half of it and he doesn't drink often enough for me to even worry about that. He tends to accept when he's messed up and try to fix it by talking/loving/making guidelines against falling into a place like that again. Like. Said, we might have one or two petty meaningless arguments a week... This is really only the second or so blowout ever. He's never left me to sleep alone in our bed. This is so f'n hard Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 I also want to add that I wish that the abuse I went through had been physical - for two reasons. 1. The wounds would have healed faster. 2. I would have got out sooner because I would not have stuck around for a second time. Emotional abuse is much much more subtle and it can take a while to realise what is going on. Verbal abuse is out there and obvious but some people lash out and call lots of people names so I guess in that sense it can seem more 'normal' and just part of a person's character. Emotional abuse and controlling behaviour (and this will sound weird) can appear flattering because this great guy who was a charmer wants you in his world and wants you for himself. (I wonder if he was the one who pushed for you to move in so quick? That would be typical behaviour). EA and C behaviour can also be addictive - simply because you wonder what on earth he is going to come out with next as an 'issue'. I used to think my ex was kidding a lot of the time as many of his issues with us were so irrational and ridiculous. He absolutely wasn't though. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ddlovexx Posted January 24, 2015 Author Share Posted January 24, 2015 Also, I've badicalky been living with him from the start. I had to wait for my lease to end before I could literally move out... But we haven't really spent any nights apart since we started seeing each other in late September. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 What did he do last time? Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 I think no matter what anyone says, you'll keep making justifications and excuses. But really, what man kicks a woman out knowing she probably has no place to go? If you cheated, if you abused his child -- then I can see how someone would react that way. Over a video on Instagram -- without any care or thought as to where would you go, how will she cope, she has no place to live, etc., he just kicked you out like you're so easily disposable. And don't start with the excuse that it was alcohol or he was half asleep. That's you grasping at straws to justify being treated poorly. Because what happens next time when he's mad at you for something you did? Treathen to chuck you out again? 13 Link to post Share on other sites
Otter2569 Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 Let us know how you make out. It sounds a little like my relationship - very intense, so loving and genuine but also some issues to deal with. We rarely fight but when we do it can be a big deal. A lot is based on past experience and relationships (bad ones of course). When we fight she tends to get more angry / upset, says rotten stuff and wants to leave. I tend to withdraw. Her counselor says it is "trauma" from a previous abusive relationship. I somehow get lumped I with this other jerk when things go bad. Honestly I could not be more different than that. We at least recognize this and are working on ways to be more construction in disagreements. Things are amazing 90% of the time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
newlyborn Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 I've seen a lot of progress since the start. (Not that I'm innocent of course) He does seem to want to be better and works hard to not do the same thing more than once. This is really only the second time he's ever lashed out during our relationship and alcohol had a role in the first one... He didn't even remember half of it and he doesn't drink often enough for me to even worry about that. He tends to accept when he's messed up and try to fix it by talking/loving/making guidelines against falling into a place like that again. Like. Said, we might have one or two petty meaningless arguments a week... This is really only the second or so blowout ever. He's never left me to sleep alone in our bed. This is so f'n hard OP, he told you to leave. are you just going to ignore that he has just thrown you out of his home? is your plan to just ignore him and rewrite this four-month pre-relationship as a love story for the ages, and see what he does next? honestly, this thread is starting to frighten me. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ddlovexx Posted January 24, 2015 Author Share Posted January 24, 2015 Last time had to do with his friend not liking me or something. It wasn't even very clear. We had friends over for the baby's bday party and afterwards he started on about how I was apparently joking too much and being mean and everyone could see it and kept asking what was wrong with me (which is doubtful.. We were all in the living room together so I would've heard/seen). He had come to bed and rolled over and told me something along the lines of me being embarrassing again if I remember correctly... but he just drank way too much that night and I had to tell him what happened in the morning. He promised to never drink that much or get like that again and say things like that. Which he hasn't... Til now. That was 2 months ago Link to post Share on other sites
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