Am I unreasonable

[sandylee1]

Your gf is untrustworthy and if you marry her, I have no doubt you'll be posting on her infidelity. Except it will be much harder to leave at that point Regardless of whether you are entitled or have a right to demand the phone records, if she had nothing to hide, she'd show them to you.

 

Prior to marriage you get a chance to see what your potential wife is like. From what you've seen I'd be very concerned.

 

I realise you've invested in the relationship, but honestly I see trouble ahead.

[Radu]

OP,

 

What you are describing is typical BPD behavior. Of course she filed a restraining order on the ex. She was splitting. He was all bad. Well now he's okay and all good?

 

Take my advice. Run and don't look back. If you marry this person you will be fighting the emotional push pull for ever. It's sad that there are kids involved, but they are not your children together. You really have the opportunity to make a clean break.

 

The cheating won't stop. My BPD former wife had multiple affair partners in our marriage. They seek out these relationships to feel different emotionally. The chemicals the body produces when in a new relationship are similar to chemicals that are produced on narcotic drugs. It's a cycle of addiction.

 

GET OUT!

 

Great point.

 

BPD's in general need emotional stability but with time a relation self-destruct itself if it involves them ... the little bad things are seen as proof that you are Hitler and the little good things are seen as proof you are Gandhi. Eventually the intensity of these things and their patience goes out the window and you are finally split black ... soulless monster who abuses ppl and does horrible things ... who is not going to believe a single mother of 2 with boys that are generally more impressionable [by the mother] than girls.

 

When they are puppy-dog in love it is great because through their nature they find stability in mirroring you.

Once the butterflies and puppy-dog love is gone ... her emotional stability is reduced.

 

So naturally they may want to rekindle that even if in a LTR ... and one way is through affairs where she can get her 'emotional needs met'.

 

It is quite like a drug.

Edited January 27, 2015 by Radu

[MadJackBird]

Nicely said Radu,

 

In the case of my former wife. She also had addictions to narcotic pain pills. She replaced on addiction for another.

[Furious]

Well, the truth keeps unfolding in strange ways. She now tells me that actually he had in fact been communicating with this guy for a long time, like weekly or whatever. Says that there was nothing physical about it and she really did not do anything all that bad, but now understands that she violated trust (at least I think so anyway).

 

We talked last night and she tells me that he would just update her on his life and she did it because she felt lonely or needed attention or something because she has no friends. I said she has plenty of friends, girlfriends, etc. and at the end of the day, if he's a friend (I'll be honest, given how horrific this guy is/was - he was bad enough she filed a restraining order against him), there would be no secrets to be had.

 

So this morning she's reminding me its one of our like monthly anniversaries, and seems confused that I'm still not 100% ready to be open and start talking to her again. I said I still need to see records to try and get the full picture of everything that went on and she tells me that it won't make me feel better.

 

I just feel so confused. I love her but I hate the fact she did this to me. I spent part of Sunday talking to her 11 year old son who apparently also now has some idea of what happened (which makes no sense to me either). I also feel like when we talk its more weird defensive / minimizing behavior and she seems to be of the impression that since she says nothing more significant happened that I should just be okay with it all.

 

Anyone worked through something like this for the better? I've invested so much in this relationship I don't want it to end, but I'm also massively concerned now since every time we talk about this stuff it changes...

 

 

 

Gently....you seem to have low self esteem. The writing is on the wall and yet you refuse to give up. It's like a gambler who won't walk away from a slot machine after pouring money into it and thinking the next press of a button will bring in the jackpot.

 

You claim to have invested so much in this relationship. How did that investment payoff?

 

It's as though you are in conflict from what you imagined this relationship could be, rather than what it really is.

 

Your GF is toxic, she will always be toxic and if your wish is to be with someone that is full of drama and betrayal that's your choice.

 

You've been given a gift of reality, and you owe your future self a healthy and loving relationship. I hope you give up on her and not give up on yourself.

[Realist3]

It's like a gambler who won't walk away from a slot machine after pouring money into it and thinking the next press of a button will bring in the jackpot.

 

You claim to have invested so much in this relationship. How did that investment payoff?

 

It's as though you are in conflict from what you imagined this relationship could be, rather than what it really is.

 

I have read a lot of comments on LS. This by far is in the top 2.

[Spectre]

Perhaps while he is at it he should ask for her financial records as well.

 

Fyi it is 'nip this in the BUD.'

 

I think you are missing the point entirely. This isn't about excuses for cheating, this is about the reasonableness of invading someone's privacy without their permission the first time with the emails, then demanding more invasion with the phone records.

 

Where you fell off the track is arguing whether people in a two year relationship would have the expectation of fidelity. That is not the issue.

 

He is demanding to invade her fundamental right to privacy that many married couples fight over in court every single year.

 

There is only one person that gets to decide whether his demand is reasonable and that is his gf.

 

Obviously this thread highlights the disparity between the bars people set for reasonable.

 

I didn't fall off track. If someone is giving advice under the assumption of "you can date for years and be single" that kind of sets a new tone to any advice they give. It's not about this issue or that. It is about if you truly believe someone in a relationship for 2 years is "single" there is a problem. You can talk about her rights to privacy,etc. that is fine, that is not the issue I am commenting on. I am specifically talking about the non-sense of "you are either single or married".

[jayinblue]

Well so saga continues. Turns out that she finally opened up and showed phone records. They basically show a boatload of conversations through like the entire summer - 20min here, 30min there. Acknowledges it was wrong but says that it was just because she was bored at home. Denies any physical contact and denies it was sharing of much else, just updates about life and stuff. Says she has cut all ties and is willing to go to therapy to discuss... I want this too, but it's hard, feel confused, screwed over and very humiliated. Anyone been here before? This is a tough one for me. Thanks again for all the support, I really appreciate the perspectives..

[BetrayedH]

Well so saga continues. Turns out that she finally opened up and showed phone records. They basically show a boatload of conversations through like the entire summer - 20min here, 30min there. Acknowledges it was wrong but says that it was just because she was bored at home. Denies any physical contact and denies it was sharing of much else, just updates about life and stuff. Says she has cut all ties and is willing to go to therapy to discuss... I want this too, but it's hard, feel confused, screwed over and very humiliated. Anyone been here before? This is a tough one for me. Thanks again for all the support, I really appreciate the perspectives..

 

Forgive me for not remembering...do we have any text messages? There are some methods to retrieve them if they've been deleted.

 

I'd want to get to the bottom of this, dude. Nearly every wayward minimizes and trickles the truth. Your sounds like a classic case. Your choices are to either get to the bottom of it, sweep it under the rug, or cut your losses. Tough situation for you.