MJJean Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 (edited) AND get rid of those four stupid dogs. Take every minute you waste on the dogs and spend it on hubby. life in your house must be likea filthy noisy hell with 4 dogs in there I happen to own 4 dogs. My house is clean. My dogs are quiet and well behaved. Why? Because I put many hours into training both the kids and the dogs! If the OP's kids and dogs are making messes that cleaning up takes time away from her and her husband I would place the blame not on the kids or the dogs, but the OP herself. As the mother of the kids and the owner of the dogs it's her responsibility to train them. If they're causing her problems (in the case of the dogs) or aren't pulling their weight around the house (in the case of the kids) then they obviously need more training and discipline. Edited January 24, 2015 by MJJean Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 AND get rid of those four stupid dogs. ..... life in your house must be likea filthy noisy hell with 4 dogs in there Dogs are far from stupid, and frankly leave most humans in the shade when it comes to affection and behaviour. And really? How many people do you know who own dogs? And how many of those dogs are 'filthy noisy hell' in comparison to the humans who own them? A filthy noisy dog is the product of a dysfunctional household, not one that is spotless, tidy and clean. Really, think before you embark on talking such utter nonsense.... So sitting around playing video games, eating dinner in another room and not interacting with his family is him making time to be with you, right? What he really means is that he's not getting his way and you're believing this BS. Sorry, I still say this guy is a spoiled child and that's not likely to change. Yup, I agree. A relationship is a 2-way street. He could think about being more pro-active and supporting you, before acting like a spoilt 9-year-old, stomping his feet and demanding his mommy pay attention to him - all the while burying his nose in a computer game.... This is not just on you, to remedy and repair. He needs to get into the action too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Winterina Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 He is playing video games all the time at his age and does not chip in and gives you horsecrap about your cleaning the home he lives in... If you already took steps and met him half way, why cannot he do the same and make some changes of his own for you... compromise? Apart from moving, did he actually change anything else in his life to accommodate you and what you want? You apparently provide a home for him, cook for him, and tolerate his video gaming (hat off, I would not). He sounds like a total slob and you sound like you need to pay some attention to yourself and not everyone else. Your kids are big enough to get their own food from the fridge, to clean the house and not just expect you to act as a housemate for everyone. Respect yourself, otherwise, nobody will respect you, even those that love you... if that makes sense. Cut a bit on something else and if you have any money hire a help once a week! He can help you paying if he wants something to change. And he seems to want a change as long as he is the one that does not have to change. NOT FAIR. He is taking things for granted that you think he should appreciate. He does not and never will. Your kids and your dogs are not YOUR problem only. If someone married you and moved in, it automatically becomes a part of his life. You say he did not want kids and dogs - why the hell would you marry him and he marry you?? Activate those slobs around yourself, including the kids, and have some life! My sister served everyone all her life and her kids are now 23 and 18 and have their own jobs but do not know how to make breakfast for themselves and the last thing they want is to move out of the house and get their own place... everything is so convenient for them. She turned them into people incapable to live. There is a movie quote - when a person sacrifices him or her self and does something good, to other people it means NOTHING. Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 I happen to own 4 dogs. My house is clean. My dogs are quiet and well behaved. Why? Because I put many hours into training both the kids and the dogs!. that is exactly my point. OP does not have enough hours of free time to train the dogs AND have a fulfilling sex life with hubby. Losing the dogs will free up time. On the other hand, if it is "check-out time" for the OP, then having some dogs along after the divroce would be comforting. but still, not 4 of them, that will drive away potential new partners. Keep one, and give the other 3 away. Maybe OP's hubby hates the dogs, and it holding a grudge against her because of it? Dont get me wrong, i have a rescue dog here, and she is a real help, especially when my wife is traveling on business. Gives me someone to eat supper with. but i would never dream of even getting a 2nd one! my time is way too precious for that. Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 To be honest, in a competition between dogs, kids and the husband, I am convinced it would be me and the dogs.... ouch! you need to get out more. there are plenty of good guys out there! Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 I'm married thanks, in a 10+ year relationship. And I'm also a Dog Behaviourist..... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 I don't like hearing about anyone getting rid of their pets. Animals are family and that's how they think of their humans. It completely breaks their hearts to be removed from their homes. I know this from experience. I lost a dog once and it took about a week to find her. When I walked into the person's house who found her, my dog didn't see me at first and she was walking around in a way that was completely unlike her -- slow and lethargic. When she saw me, her entire demeanor changed. If people don't think animals grieve for their families, they're dead wrong. Only in extreme circumstances would I recommend getting rid of a pet, and a self-centered man-child is not one of those reasons. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 I think you naturally and luckily have a lot of energy. Maybe you two are not compatible energy wise. You are choosing your house and health over your partner. The house I see you could get more help with--hire someone once a week or something. Heck, hire your kids. Sitting for long periods of time is now scientifically shown to be dangerous to health. I wouldn't sit around and sacrifice my health just to make him happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shivat Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 Since it seems the OP has a slight case of OCD, nobody can clean the house, dishes, etc., like she can so if her kids or husband help out and wash dishes, or clean the counters, floor, it won't be done to her liking and standards. Either that or she has major have control issues and things must be done her way when she wants it done. Getting a cleaning lady once a week would be helpful, this way the rest of the family can clean as they go (less grime and deep cleaning can happen), declutter on a daily basis so it doesn't pile up. As I've already clarified, I'm not really OCD.. not to the extent of others. I like for things to be clean, neat, in their place.. I don't like to live in clutter? My husband and kids can clean to my standards perfectly- when they clean... I am not someone who goes behind them and does it "the right way" after they've finished. Maybe I should have clarified that all I was asking for was help... I clean a house that three other people live in. I just wanted advice on getting them to do their share and help out so we all have free time to spend together, on ourselves enjoying life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shivat Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 What do you intend to do to change the situation? You're H has asked for change - what's your solution? My solution is making a chore chart for everyone.. That way, everyone in the house helps out and we all have more time to spend together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shivat Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 AND get rid of those four stupid dogs. Take every minute you waste on the dogs and spend it on hubby. life in your house must be likea filthy noisy hell with 4 dogs in there The dogs are the least of my concern when it comes to mess in the house.. They're trained, they don't bark unless someone they don't recognize comes in to the house and our dogs are gated off in the house so they don't have free range to roam all over as they please. They sleep in their crates at night and spend a lot of time outdoors in our backyard during the day because they like to sunbathe on the deck... it's 3 mini shih-tzu's and a chihuahua.. I'm not living with four full grown St. Bernards in the house. A filthy noisy hell with dogs only happens when the animals aren't trained or you let it happen.... By the way did you see how much time I spend cleaning? Um, yea not filthy. lol But thank you for your thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shivat Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 You do realise, don't you, shivat, that by doing everything for your kids, at an age when they should have been doing this themselves for many years now, that you are in effect DISabling them, for adulthood? By not giving them responsibility for certain tasks they should be doing, you have actually deprived them of the impetus to be as 'houseproud' as you are. In years to come, you may visit their homes and families and find the place a shambles. And sadly, you will have been partly responsible for that... I do understand that. Thank you. The kids clean their rooms and keep them clean. They are not slobs. They do know how to do things for themselves. The two things I don't ever make them do would be cooking and laundry.. However, I am working on a chore chart for everyone as we speak so we can all help each other. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 I do understand that. Thank you. The kids clean their rooms and keep them clean. They are not slobs. They do know how to do things for themselves. The two things I don't ever make them do would be cooking and laundry.. However, I am working on a chore chart for everyone as we speak so we can all help each other. Great idea! Now watch the man-child shoot that idea down. Either that, or he'll do his part once or twice and then things will go back to the same thing. This is my prediction. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shivat Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 Thank you all for your advice! It's been very helpful! We've decided to make a chore chart for everyone, split the cooking between the four of us, eat dinner together, continue going out once a week- sometimes just the two of us, sometimes all four, hire someone to clean twice a month to do the heavy cleaning, and my husband is going to make sure he's downstairs for dinner as well. I think the key was communication.. without being irritated and ready to throw things at one another. Honestly, if you're both arguing about not having enough time to spend together " I think" that might mean you both really want the marriage to work otherwise who would care about spending time together.. Also though, when we weren't communicating he just assumed I'd rather be cleaning the house and I just assumed he'd rather be playing video games. Now that we've talked we both realize that we'd be doing less of both if we just help each other out more. So yesterday started it- we all did our chores, we played Scrabble, went out for dinner, and came home to watch a movie.. House is still all together today- no one died because the last load of laundry wasn't finished and there's a few dishes in the sink but I think we'll all survive and the best part is we all had a great time. - 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shivat Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 Great idea! Now watch the man-child shoot that idea down. Either that, or he'll do his part once or twice and then things will go back to the same thing. This is my prediction. Actually he hasn't shot anything down yet I explained to him that for me to be able to relax comfortably, I like things to be cleaner but that if I have to spend all my time doing the cleaning alone that means no time for any of them. He understood, so he agreed to help out more not only so I could spend more time with him but with the kids and doing things for myself. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 Actually he hasn't shot anything down yet I explained to him that for me to be able to relax comfortably, I like things to be cleaner but that if I have to spend all my time doing the cleaning alone that means no time for any of them. He understood, so he agreed to help out more not only so I could spend more time with him but with the kids and doing things for myself. That's good to hear! Write it out. What you expect and what he expects should be agreed upon - that way it avoids further resentments. Write out the kids schedule too... They should be contributing as well. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 Actually he hasn't shot anything down yet I explained to him that for me to be able to relax comfortably, I like things to be cleaner but that if I have to spend all my time doing the cleaning alone that means no time for any of them. He understood, so he agreed to help out more not only so I could spend more time with him but with the kids and doing things for myself. I'm really glad to hear it! Link to post Share on other sites
Broom Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 You have conceded too many boundaries and are now becoming resentful. Because you've given up so much in the past, everyone in your life is accustomed to this. Link to post Share on other sites
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