Very nice guy but I am not interested at all romantically

[PaperCrane]

Yes, I set myself up for a mess by being too indirect I guess.

 

In the beginning of the month after another invitation for dinner plus an invite for a Valentine's day event, I politely explained to him that I am looking just for friendship since I am not over my ex. I though this will end there, but recently he start contacting me again saying that he accept my terms.

 

I am ok with going for dinner with him as a friend but I am afraid he is way too pushy for proper friendship. He acts desperate and this frustrates me. No idea is it safe to proceed with the friendship stuff...

 

I want to be nice since he technically has done nothing bad, but his all-accepting behavior is concerning to me. Plus we live very closeby and it is hard to avoid him completely

 

Either give him a full honest try or drop him. Eating breadcrumbs just makes people hungrier and if that full loaf never gets delivered, someone is going to end up rather upset.

 

Is that initial spark so important to a good long lasting relationship or the solid foundation of their character? That is a decision you have to make.

[Chi townD]

Then you need to end the friendship for a while. Stop going out with him. Politely reject any invitation to do things. I think that he might be filling himself up with false hope. Thinking that if you spend enough time with him, then he can win you over.

 

 

I think you need to start distancing yourself from him.

[mightycpa]

Go talk to the best looking friend you've got and get her to go out with him.

 

Then go have the talk about no attraction, but liked, so pals is an option, and as a token of good faith, I got you a date with this girl (show pic on the phone). I'm assuming you can have a grown up conversation about how a spark does not always develop between two people, etc., etc. etc.

 

That move would soften the blow for me, and if he's not Mr. Get Attached Right Away, then he won't be all weepy about it, because you've only been on three dates. He may appreciate it, even if it seems a little weird at first. If you think about it, it's really a compliment.

 

If he does get all weepy, or offended, then it wouldn't have ended nicely regardless, but at least you tried.

[Chi townD]

Go talk to the best looking friend you've got and get her to go out with him.

 

Then go have the talk about no attraction, but liked, so pals is an option, and as a token of good faith, I got you a date with this girl (show pic on the phone). I'm assuming you can have a grown up conversation about how a spark does not always develop between two people, etc., etc. etc.

 

That move would soften the blow for me, and if he's not Mr. Get Attached Right Away, then he won't be all weepy about it, because you've only been on three dates. He may appreciate it, even if it seems a little weird at first. If you think about it, it's really a compliment.

 

If he does get all weepy, or offended, then it wouldn't have ended nicely regardless, but at least you tried.

 

 

In theory, that would be nice. But, if it were me, I think I would be offended by that. I would think and probably say, "I don't need your charity".

 

 

Huh, never thought of an angle like that. Not sure how I would respond.

 

 

Wow, you stumped me on that one. Good intention, bad execution?

 

 

Or go out with him and tell him that your having a girlfriend me up with you, See if there's a mutual interest once she arrives?

[Invictus01]

Somebody needs to explain to the dude that "friends" and "f@ck off" aren't just two words that begin with the letter F, they are synonyms...

[mightycpa]

In theory, that would be nice. But, if it were me, I think I would be offended by that. I would think and probably say, "I don't need your charity".

 

 

Huh, never thought of an angle like that. Not sure how I would respond.

 

 

Wow, you stumped me on that one. Good intention, bad execution?

 

 

Or go out with him and tell him that your having a girlfriend me up with you, See if there's a mutual interest once she arrives?

 

I think your reaction might rest on how good that picture looks, n'est ce pas? Of course, the delivery would need to be kind and encouraging. But after all, what are friends for?

[Chi townD]

I think your reaction might rest on how good that picture looks, n'est ce pas? Of course, the delivery would need to be kind and encouraging. But after all, what are friends for?

 

 

Yeah, but this guy isn't looking at her as a friend right now. He's still into her and I feel that he thinks he can win her affections over time by being her "friend". I have a feeling and (I speculate) so does the OP that this dude still has romantic feelings for her.

 

 

So, his reaction to being "pawned off" to someone else might not be well received. Now, if he DID surrender to the fact that the most he's going to get from her is nothing more than friendship, then what you suggest might work (depending on how the pic looks! ). But, I don't know this dude and where his heads at.

[No_Go]

If you're too nice he's going to keep pushing and thinking there is hope. He's not respecting that you don't want to pursue anything romantically so you are going to have to be more direct. Do not accept dinner invitations or anything that is one-on-one with him. You can be friendly if you run into him, but if he continues to pursue you after you've rejected him, you may need to distance yourself more and more. It sounds like you've done your best to let him down nicely but he's not getting it.

 

Did you go to the concert with him?

 

I did, unfortunately. I felt guilty that he bought the tickets, and got him dinner. Maybe he misinterpreted that. Althought this was the most asexual "date" that I can imagine. Not even a friendly touch, flirting, nothing.

 

From now I think if I see him, I will bring other friends with me. If this doesn't give him the clue, I'll run away.

[No_Go]

In theory, that would be nice. But, if it were me, I think I would be offended by that. I would think and probably say, "I don't need your charity".

 

 

Huh, never thought of an angle like that. Not sure how I would respond.

 

 

Wow, you stumped me on that one. Good intention, bad execution?

 

 

Or go out with him and tell him that your having a girlfriend me up with you, See if there's a mutual interest once she arrives?

 

I wouldn't do the friend introduction thing. Someone that I really liked did this to me 4 years ago and I am still mad when I think about it - certainly I was not grateful to him

[PearTree]

Just tell him the truth and never contact him again. It might hurt him at first but he will learn and live and grow as a result - you are giving him a gift really! (But don't phrase it like that - he might not see it that way at first!)

[No_Go]

Either give him a full honest try or drop him. Eating breadcrumbs just makes people hungrier and if that full loaf never gets delivered, someone is going to end up rather upset.

 

Is that initial spark so important to a good long lasting relationship or the solid foundation of their character? That is a decision you have to make.

 

The initial spark in my opinion is also indicative for character alignment. This guy is very child-like naive... I feel like being out with my little brother and that precludes me from developing any type of sexual attraction He could be great for someone else, probably a very dominant woman likes to "lead". Just not my "type" for a relationship, not only appearance-wise.

[No_Go]

Ooh, this is getting pathetic, but this guy that I dated and "downgraded" (or changed, if less offensive) to a friend keeps contacting me.. He NEVER initiated any physical contact (i've seen him 6 times total), so I believed that we may really stay friends, but:

1. I met someone else that I'm probably end up in a relationship with

2. The "friend" guy now want to make me dinner, which I honestly find too much for platonic friends.

If I tell him about the truth that I am seeing someone else, is this going to be too rude? I guess I have no other choice if we are to keep the friendship..

[somedude81]

Ooh, this is getting pathetic, but this guy that I dated and "downgraded" (or changed, if less offensive) to a friend keeps contacting me.. He NEVER initiated any physical contact (i've seen him 6 times total), so I believed that we may really stay friends, but:

1. I met someone else that I'm probably end up in a relationship with

2. The "friend" guy now want to make me dinner, which I honestly find too much for platonic friends.

If I tell him about the truth that I am seeing someone else, is this going to be too rude? I guess I have no other choice if we are to keep the friendship..

 

Ask your friend if you can bring your boyfriend to dinner.

 

That should help him figure things out.

[No_Go]

Just update and some questions:

 

Ugh I wrote about this guy twice - this thread and http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/522371-dinner-male-friend-new-relationship

 

Basically we were supposed to meet (from OLD) in 2014, I cancelled on him because I met my then-BF. Then we met a few times in 2015 after me and my ex broke up. There was no spark but great conversation. I told him so, and ... in the meanwhile - met my current BF. He said he wanted to remain friends, but since his invitations were for 1-to-1 dinners, I had to pull back.

 

Now, 15 months later... He kept messaging me on average once a month, usually catching up plus random invites for hangouts (sometimes with other people). We haven'm met since last year though, I deep inside felt like it is inappropriate because we met on OLD and my BF may think it is weird.

 

On his last invite I said maybe (it was close to a place where I go for work, and he wanted to tell me about a recent trip of his). We still haven't met (something came up), but since then he's bombarding with invites...

 

I'm really curious - could he genuinely want yo see me as an old friend (although our face time history is ~6-8 meets, all over an year ago), or he's still orbiting?? I'm usually very fast to read on other people, but here the situation is ambiguous. Would it be inappropriate to meet?

[LD1990]

Would it be inappropriate to meet?

 

If you actually want to meet up with him, I'd say you should tell your boyfriend the whole truth about this guy and gauge his reaction to make that call.

 

No one besides this guy can tell you with complete certainty whether he has a thing for you. I'm on the fence. He may be cool with just being friends. He may want more. Whether he just wants friendship or he wants to date you, most guys wouldn't be this persistent, considering how little he has actually seen you.

 

I think you should tell your boyfriend everything because a lot of guys wouldn't be thrilled about their girlfriend getting invites to hang out from some guy she met through online dating. Regardless of how the situation played out, the instinctive reaction to that is "this guy is attracted to my girlfriend." Personally, I wouldn't be cool with it. And if your boyfriend isn't cool with it, I don't really see the point of turning it into a big deal. You've been in a relationship over a year, why cause any strain arguing about seeing some guy you barely know?

[No_Go]

The thing is I mentioned to my BF (that this guy wants to continue friendship, not the details about frequent invites) and is his opinion, that's an orbiter... He thinks male/female friendship, excluding childhood and long term friends, is usually not neutral for the male. So in that circumstances it will def. strain the relationship, esp. if I go out by myself with the other guy... But I'm really so curious, why this persistency? Maybe I'll just miss a great friend, who knows..

 

If you actually want to meet up with him, I'd say you should tell your boyfriend the whole truth about this guy and gauge his reaction to make that call.

 

No one besides this guy can tell you with complete certainty whether he has a thing for you. I'm on the fence. He may be cool with just being friends. He may want more. Whether he just wants friendship or he wants to date you, most guys wouldn't be this persistent, considering how little he has actually seen you.

 

I think you should tell your boyfriend everything because a lot of guys wouldn't be thrilled about their girlfriend getting invites to hang out from some guy she met through online dating. Regardless of how the situation played out, the instinctive reaction to that is "this guy is attracted to my girlfriend." Personally, I wouldn't be cool with it. And if your boyfriend isn't cool with it, I don't really see the point of turning it into a big deal. You've been in a relationship over a year, why cause any strain arguing about seeing some guy you barely know?

[LD1990]

The thing is I mentioned to my BF (that this guy wants to continue friendship, not the details about frequent invites) and is his opinion, that's an orbiter... He thinks male/female friendship, excluding childhood and long term friends, is usually not neutral for the male. So in that circumstances it will def. strain the relationship, esp. if I go out by myself with the other guy... But I'm really so curious, why this persistency? Maybe I'll just miss a great friend, who knows..

 

The more I think about it, the more I think this guy is so persistent because he has a thing for you. And your boyfriend's opinion on male/female friendship is correct, in most cases. There are exceptions, but when a man and a woman are friends, there's usually one that's attracted to the other but ended up in the friend zone.

 

People can be persistent when there's attraction. I saw it with my ex-girlfriend, she'd still get texts from her exes when they hadn't spoken in months. I've experienced the same, sometimes with girls I only briefly dated. Now, this guy's a bit above and beyond, but you did say he's socially awkward.

 

Here's the thing: you said his invites felt inappropriate and your boyfriend might think it's weird. So why not either put an end to it, or tell your boyfriend about it? Instead, you said maybe to this guy, and now you're getting even more invites. You're really not being fair to your boyfriend here.

[Jabron1]

If you actually want to meet up with him, I'd say you should tell your boyfriend the whole truth about this guy and gauge his reaction to make that call.

 

No one besides this guy can tell you with complete certainty whether he has a thing for you. I'm on the fence. He may be cool with just being friends. He may want more. Whether he just wants friendship or he wants to date you, most guys wouldn't be this persistent, considering how little he has actually seen you.

 

I think you should tell your boyfriend everything because a lot of guys wouldn't be thrilled about their girlfriend getting invites to hang out from some guy she met through online dating. Regardless of how the situation played out, the instinctive reaction to that is "this guy is attracted to my girlfriend." Personally, I wouldn't be cool with it. And if your boyfriend isn't cool with it, I don't really see the point of turning it into a big deal. You've been in a relationship over a year, why cause any strain arguing about seeing some guy you barely know?

 

I'm going to be straight with you. He is a really pathetic orbiter. Put him out of his misery by being unequivocal - no 'maybes'. You do this, and I see no reason to tell the boyfriend.

 

Try and be nice though

[callingyouuu]

On his last invite I said maybe (it was close to a place where I go for work, and he wanted to tell me about a recent trip of his). We still haven't met (something came up), but since then he's bombarding with invites...

 

I'm really curious - could he genuinely want yo see me as an old friend (although our face time history is ~6-8 meets, all over an year ago), or he's still orbiting?? I'm usually very fast to read on other people, but here the situation is ambiguous. Would it be inappropriate to meet?

 

His persistence makes his motivations seem kinda fishy. I can't see any intention behind bombarding you with invites other than to fish out an opportunity to date you again.

[whatnot]

I like this guy.

[whatnot]

His persistence makes his motivations seem kinda fishy. I can't see any intention behind bombarding you with invites other than to fish out an opportunity to date you again.

 

The OP could answer this. Has he ever even used the word "date" with you?

[No_Go]

The OP could answer this. Has he ever even used the word "date" with you?

 

After I rejected him after the 4th time we met (when he made the Valentine 2015 invite), he said he 'I though these were dates, now I see they were visits' or something like this . Ever since he'd ask for a 'next visit' whatever this means.

 

But I agree with posters here it is not fair to my BF. I guess if I don't respond his messages he'll stop. Even if it was for just friendship, the whole situation is too awkward to enjoy it.

[stillafool]

Did you tell him you now have a boyfriend? I really don't know why you are still making a big deal over this guy months later and when you now have a boyfriend. What difference does it make at this point what this other guys intentions were/are?

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Took the words right out of my mouth.

 

Why are you still hung up on this guy? You have a bf and you aren't attracted to him so you don't want to go on a date..yet you still accept his invitations to go out..but are still weirded out by it?

 

I'm confused.

 

Why do you care at all about what this other guys wants or thinks at this point??

 

You have a boyfriend. Did you not tell this guy that you did?

 

 

Did you tell him you now have a boyfriend? I really don't know why you are still making a big deal over this guy months later and when you now have a boyfriend. What difference does it make at this point what this other guys intentions were/are?