tim505 Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Hello, I recently started dating this girl that I really like. She really likes me as well. Last night we had a pretty long talk about dating and she said that she wants a mature relationship with no pressure. She wants to take things slow and she is just really cautious of me. Not sure if that means she is just scared of getting hurt. She said she is not head over heels in love with me but said that its good because it gives us time to develop those feelings without losing them overtime. She also likes her space and said its good we don't text 24/7 and aren't obsessed with each other. Can someone give me some advice based on what I mentioned above? I don't want to mess this up. Thanks, Tim 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Hello, I recently started dating this girl that I really like. She really likes me as well. Last night we had a pretty long talk about dating and she said that she wants a mature relationship with no pressure. She wants to take things slow and she is just really cautious of me. Not sure if that means she is just scared of getting hurt. She said she is not head over heels in love with me but said that its good because it gives us time to develop those feelings without losing them overtime. She also likes her space and said its good we don't text 24/7 and aren't obsessed with each other. Can someone give me some advice based on what I mentioned above? I don't want to mess this up. Thanks, Tim Follow the dating model she's laid out for you. Have patience, enjoy the time you spend with her. She sounds mature, focused and clear in her head about what she wants. If you aren't on the same page with all that, then you might want to consider moving on. And, you said you're "not sure if she's scared of getting hurt" . . . most people are. Having a set dating model for yourself like she has, minimizes that risk by managing expectations and not allowing yourself to be too immersed in the initial high people get when they first dating someone new and allowing the relationship to develop naturally and see the person for who they really are. And, don't come back here after a month of dating her and ask why you two aren't having sex yet. If's it's 4 months or more, then come back 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tim505 Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 thank you very much for your reply. i am on the same page with her and i do thinks its good to take it slow. how long do you think i should wait before sex? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 thank you very much for your reply. i am on the same page with her and i do thinks its good to take it slow. how long do you think i should wait before sex? This is something you have to discuss with her. Personally I would pass. She wants to date you but put up all those walls. She likes the fact you are not too much into each other, she likes you don't communicate that much, she is cautious of you (huh?). Who wants to start dating like this? That all sounds so mediocre. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tim505 Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 i do think its odd but i am willing to see how it plays out. she said that her last relationship didn't end well i think she just wants to ease into things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tim505 Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 to be exact she said that she felt suffocated and stuck in her last relationship. thats why she wants to take it slow. but she says im different and that she really likes me. Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 It could be that she was in a relationship with someone who was controlling or clingy and needy, texting constantly, wanting to know her every move, etc. Now that she's free of that lifestyle, she's taking steps to ensure that doesn't happen again. I respect that she's being honest and telling you her thoughts upfront. That way, you can move on if the "rules" seem to harsh. Sounds like she wants to take it slow so that you both can get to 'know' one another, outside of a physical attraction. Relationships built on a solid foundation tend to stand the test of time, moreso than ones developed from lust alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tim505 Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 thank you for that post i think you are absolutely correct. she did say he was controlling and im probably guessing he was needy as well. i do know she is definitely happy. i definitely need to give her the space she needs and respect her opinion 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 thank you very much for your reply. i am on the same page with her and i do thinks its good to take it slow. how long do you think i should wait before sex? I would let it happen naturally. When you are both ready for it it will happen. Given her dating model, I'd bet that she will hold off for at least a couple of months, but don't be surprised if it goes to 3 or 4 months. Gradually, introduce more sexual advances with her after at least a month. I mean initiate more kissing, hand holding, putting arms around and guage her response. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tim505 Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 thanks redhead. we already have made of a few times since we have been together. also, we have been talking for a total of two months and we have been on 4 dates in person. Link to post Share on other sites
lovexocoach Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Respect her wishes as you've been doing and let things unfold naturally. Get to know her and find out what she's like as a person. Woo her, romance her, show signs of affection such as hand holding, hugs, kissing, and touching affectionately. She'll let you know when she's ready for sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tim505 Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 thank you all so much for the advice really appreciate it! Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Respect her wishes BUT also do respect yourself and YOUR expectations. If you start to become frustrated, more confused, etc, then this girl isn't for you. Break it off and find someone more suitable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tim505 Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 exactly i think i will know in the next few months if she is the right girl for me Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Wish you the best of luck, but I would be cautious, Girls know who they are into...being so guarded makes me nauseous. If she's this guarded, and she's this "afraid" to put herself out there, It only screams to me that you're an option, and you need to beware. To be honest, she could be a great girl, one that is worth the space, But when a girl asks to you take it slow from the start, beware the ongoing chase. I do understand that she was probably controlled & suffocated before, But when I hear that, it often means she just wanted to have options on the floor. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 I absolutely understand her. My last RS was controlling (much moreso than he was emotionally abusive). She is being very upfront and saying don't text her all day every day. Don't ask her what she is doing all the time and where she is. Don't expect a text back for ..let's give it 24hrs..and you will get a text back well within that time. No text upon text - wait for a response from her. You have no need to jump and text straight back either...read it, think of a reply and send one when you are free. If she is anything like me she might have had texts from 5am until midnight..all day long..about nothing..except what was I doing. It was exhausting! He also wanted calls for minimum and hour each night as well but he preferred 2-3 hours. I was working overtime and often not getting home until 11pm and I had no energy left for anything except sleep. I asked for date nights so I could plan the calls in instead of being guilt tripped but he said no to date night. This is only a trickle in the ocean of what happened with me and my ex. I could tell you LOADS more. But..it gives you an idea of what she has probably been through and what you can do. The good news is she has told you this stuff - that means she likes you - she is just in need of setting boundaries for herself - it's healthy that she is doing that and not just going along with whatever the flow may be. You might not understand that..but..she wants to get to know you without feeling pressured at all - and it's a good thing. She has realised she didn't set herself sane boundaries last time and she is doing so now - cos she likes you. I will do exactly the same with the next man I meet and like. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tim505 Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 thank you so much for that great advice! your post really made me realize that she is just setting her boundaries and that i need to appreciate that. she definitely does like me and i really do agree with her. i think its important we arent all over each other. we both need our own lives as well 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 A suggestion: Her situ may not be like mine. You could ask her what happened and say you don't want to smother - it's darn difficult when things are new. When things settle down you expect things ;9to settle down. Mine never did and I suspect hers with her ex didn't either. Also, she is setting her boundaries but she will possibly have moments where she breaks her own boundaries. If I had said to a guy what she has to you and I broke my own boundaries (because I liked him) I would appreciate if he remembered and said something like'' We should cool on the texts. I like you but don't want you feeling smothered again. Your boundaries and your own time are important to me as are my own too. Heck! We both have lives going on as well as you and me happening '. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 I'd be dating other women at the same time. She wants it casual, so should you. In other words, she should NOT be your focus. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Four dates in 2 months, is that what she is comfortable with? Is it the kind of distance she is comfortable with? How about you OP. Is this the kind of dating you want? You are not her ex. I see a woman putting up restrictions to a man who has done nothing wrong by her so far. She is inflicting on you the restrictions she should have inflicted on her ex. She didn't, she had to live with the consequences. Now she is going to keep everyone at a distance because she could not put up proper boundaries with that ex? I am reading in between the lines you are trying to model yourself to what she wants. How about you OP? Your personality, your spontaneity? out the window to suit her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tim505 Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 I should have explained that better. We have been talking for two months and hung out 4 times. She was so busy in the beginning and she also went on a cruise with family. With the holidays it got busy. She told me that her ex was controlling as well. I think she just needs some space with nursing school as well. She is a senior and she is busy. She did say she was cautious of me but she definitely likes me. She said she was scared that things would get super serious fast Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Again, you are not a priority for her, so don't make her a priority for you. Date other women, as well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tim505 Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 We are in a relationship... Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 We are in a relationship... Well that escalated quickly. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 You know, often head over heels obsessive love ends quickly with a "poof." Taking it slow ESPECIALLY if you really are into someone may be the best route. It's the best way to make a good stew or soup, I'll tell you that. Take her at her word, don't be too available. In fact, be a little less available than she wants, so that SHE is pursuing YOU for more at least some of the time. It might be a good idea to find out if either of you is/expects to date others so there is no misunderstanding on that point. As to when to have sex, as far as I can tell, all the evidence is that the longer people wait, the longer (on average) the relationship lasts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts