second wife concept

[whatatangledweb]

The rules for the marriages for Islam depends on what country they are in. You should read up on their religion to see if he is telling the truth. In their country they can not divorce their wifes legally just because they find another more pleasing.

 

If this was something his wife were willing to do she would not be telling you she will share your sex video with everyone. I really hope you do not end up more hurt and with your reputation in ruins.

[Poppy47]

they both are Islam, his dad from Arabic.

I don't have religion.

 

Can he marry you under Sharia law?

 

I believe the Koran says that a man can have more than one wife, provided he treats them EXACTLY the same in all regards.

 

Poppy.

[Ruffian1]

Sisa

 

 

Why do you not seek a single guy for your self, that will marry you and have children with you? That is what you seem to want.

[georgia girl]

Sisa,

 

 

This is so unhealthy for you. You want him at the cost of everything - even yourself. This is going to crush you. Please, I beg you, choose yourself. Put yourself back together and walk away from this man and this soul-destroying relationship before there is nothing left of your former self.

 

 

Pick a guy who wants only one woman - you - and wants to make only one family - the one he makes with you. This man will be kind, thoughtful, loyal, honest and diligent. I couldn't even begin to use one of those words to describe the man you write about. He is self-centered, demanding, hurtful, disloyal, dishonest, manipulative and just plain mean.

 

 

No, real men do not love two women. Real men make commitments to one person only. Real men honor those commitments. Real men, when they have children, put their wife and their children before all others including themselves.

 

 

This man is hurting you. You love him and you can't see that, but for your sake, I hope you learn to walk away. Sometimes, that's the hardest thing we ever have to face - walking away from something we love because it is so bad for us. Can you get counseling? Do you have any good female role models? Can you talk to someone who can give you honest and fair advice?

 

 

PLEASE HELP YOURSELF. We can't do this or want this for you, but I am genuinely so worried about you. Always, always, always, love yourself and value yourself. Not as one man sees you, but as the only person who will ever truly count sees you - yourself.

[xxoo]

yes, it's not fair, and what bother me is he might have third or forth.

but it's what he can offer, he told me he cannot leave his family, but he also cannot leave me, and it's the best way he can do.

 

Is that an attractive offer to you?

 

Choosing a partner should be a huge, "YES! This is what I want with my whole heart." If you have to bend this far backward to accept the terms of having him, you don't really want this.

 

If you don't want the second wife status now, when you are head over heels in love with him, you are REALLY going to hate it when the reality of marriage to a flawed man (with another wife) sets it.

[sisa]

I can see how this could work with a HD husband and 2 LD wives. Problem comes with caring for children. Can your MM support 2 households?

He have good job and now take care of his family well. because I have job too, so we don't have finance pressure.

[sisa]

The woman he married and pledged his life and fidelity to he has cheated on, lied to and gaslighted. Do you think these are traits of a trustworthy man?

 

He told this to me too, he say if he leave her now, that means he break the vow that take care of her forever. He say when that time happen, I would not respect and love him because he is not good person.

 

He also say, if he divorce, how I will feel safe because he divorce once then it might happen twice.

[CALOVELY]

He told this to me too, he say if he leave her now, that means he break the vow that take care of her forever. He say when that time happen, I would not respect and love him because he is not good person.

 

He also say, if he divorce, how I will feel safe because he divorce once then it might happen twice.

 

He already broke his vow so he cannot claim it is important now.

[sisa]

Can he marry you under Sharia law?

 

I believe the Koran says that a man can have more than one wife, provided he treats them EXACTLY the same in all regards.

 

Poppy.

 

Yes, he say he is allowed if his wife agree he marry me,

and he need to treat both equally.

 

I told him I don't think she will agree this, and he always say give her more time.

[sisa]

Sisa

 

 

Why do you not seek a single guy for your self, that will marry you and have children with you? That is what you seem to want.

 

yes, have someone who only love me and give me commitment is what I want. But it's hard to find someone I have so much feelings for. and the thinking bother me is I cannot find or I just find someone to marry but no feelings with. I afraid I will regret.

[sisa]

My friend has been the OW for what, like 6 years now, this is her dream! However, it's not going to happen. If it were it would have happened ages ago. But she's hoping that somehow she can become his second wife, even though I'm sure he's never asked his wife about this and his wife obviously wouldn't agree, as if he thought she were amenable to the idea he'd have asked her ages ago. The fact that he's never asked about such an arrangement is clearly because he knows his wife would look at him as though he had lost his mind, but he has dropped the hint of the possibility preying on my friend's love for him, knowing she will run with it and cling to hope that this could be a real arrangement.

 

Anyway, if next month he talks to his wife and she doesn't agree or he says he hasn't asked her, what do you plan to do?

 

There are people who have poly relationships but betrayal is betrayal and usually the poly nature is something agreed upon in the beginning and not that one person cheats for 3 years then pops up and asks if the OW can be the second wife. Also, what he's saying seems like nonsense in terms of him divorcing his wife and legally marrying you and being married to her religiously? WTF?! Sorry, but in lots of poly situations there is also a pecking order, that is, the original wife or the first wife doesn't get discarded and divorced and then the other person becomes the legal spouse. Why would he think his wife would agree that he will divorce her, marry you, marry her only ceremonially again and then can live between you two and you all will become best friends??? That's insane frankly. I don't mean to be harsh but sounds like a pie in the sky fantasy on his part (and yours) and not anything probable, unless his wife is absolutely insane too, that's the only way I can see her agreeing to this plan.

 

But like I said, if that's what he says he wants and will discuss it, wait and see after the month if he really does, then you have to decide after that point what you will do. I wager his wife will NOT agree to this or that he won't ask her but will provide some excuse as to why he couldn't. If either of these things happen are you willing to walk or will you just continue on with him secretly?

 

we talked about this, I asked him what is his plan to marry me as second, he said he will divorcing her legally so he can marry me, and he will discuss this topic with her next month. I said ok, and I want he tell me the result after. He say the result might not coming next month because she need more time and it's big decision. They talked about this topic already, divorce or separate, sometimes she said she want divorce and he cannot, sometimes he said he want divorce but she cannot, so later they talked about try seperate, and that's why now he work in another city. He say she is happier now and their relationship get better.

 

I told him my concern, I said she agree seperate doesn't mean she want divorce, I feel it's two different things, and I don't feel she will agree divorce with you and let you marry me, I feel it's very impossible. He said he feel it's possible if we let her feel security, means he will always take care of her and they are still marry in religion way.

 

I asked him how about she say no, and he said, then we need more time and need to find another way. he say he will not leave me, the worst time already happened and we are still together.

 

he want I move to the other city with him so we can live together, he say if we see often I will feel security and less jealous. I asked him how about if she also want to move to the city live with him. He say then he will need to live in both house, but he just say it's unlikely she will want to move there with him. I don't know because I didn't really talk to his wife since Dday. He also propose like we three should meet and discuss arrangement, but she don't want to meet me and I also don't want to meet her, I feel low in front her. I don't feel she is bad person, but I don't like to pretend nice when I know she hate me so much.

[sisa]

The rules for the marriages for Islam depends on what country they are in. You should read up on their religion to see if he is telling the truth. In their country they can not divorce their wifes legally just because they find another more pleasing.

 

If this was something his wife were willing to do she would not be telling you she will share your sex video with everyone. I really hope you do not end up more hurt and with your reputation in ruins.

 

She is American, and I am from Europe. It's not allowed to have two wife legally here, but from his talking he can have two wives religious. He told me she is not going to release video because she know it cannot change anything. And if she release then he will marry me.

[EverySunset]

She is American, and I am from Europe. It's not allowed to have two wife legally here, but from his talking he can have two wives religious. He told me she is not going to release video because she know it cannot change anything. And if she release then he will marry me.

 

This makes me so sad. You worry you won't find anyone - but you don't look, because you're with him. It's a cycle that pulls you in further and further.

 

If you feel low in front of his wife now... Imagine how you will feel with your children in front of hers.

 

It's one thing to accept less for yourself. And quite another to keep it less for your children.

[CALOVELY]

we talked about this, I asked him what is his plan to marry me as second, he said he will divorcing her legally so he can marry me, and he will discuss this topic with her next month. I said ok, and I want he tell me the result after. He say the result might not coming next month because she need more time and it's big decision. They talked about this topic already, divorce or separate, sometimes she said she want divorce and he cannot, sometimes he said he want divorce but she cannot, so later they talked about try seperate, and that's why now he work in another city. He say she is happier now and their relationship get better.

 

I told him my concern, I said she agree seperate doesn't mean she want divorce, I feel it's two different things, and I don't feel she will agree divorce with you and let you marry me, I feel it's very impossible. He said he feel it's possible if we let her feel security, means he will always take care of her and they are still marry in religion way.

 

I asked him how about she say no, and he said, then we need more time and need to find another way. he say he will not leave me, the worst time already happened and we are still together.

 

he want I move to the other city with him so we can live together, he say if we see often I will feel security and less jealous. I asked him how about if she also want to move to the city live with him. He say then he will need to live in both house, but he just say it's unlikely she will want to move there with him. I don't know because I didn't really talk to his wife since Dday. He also propose like we three should meet and discuss arrangement, but she don't want to meet me and I also don't want to meet her, I feel low in front her. I don't feel she is bad person, but I don't like to pretend nice when I know she hate me so much.

 

He has both of you wrapped around his finger. It really is all about him. What is baffling is that any of this is acceptable to you. I think this will end very badly but maybe then you will see you have so much more value than having a piece of a man. I really do wish you luck and a happy life.

[gettingstronger]

Forget about him and her- when I read your posts it seems to me that YOU would not like this arrangement- I think that is important- you would be settling for less than what you really want-

 

You come across as a loving person that really wants to be loved and taken care of-there is nothing wrong with that-what is wrong is settling just to feel loved-

 

Put them and their feelings, needs and expectations aside- think about what you want and need before you take one more step-

[pheonixrisen]

This makes me so sad. You worry you won't find anyone - but you don't look, because you're with him. It's a cycle that pulls you in further and further.

 

If you feel low in front of his wife now... Imagine how you will feel with your children in front of hers.

 

It's one thing to accept less for yourself. And quite another to keep it less for your children.

 

What he is proposing is very common in the city I live in ..I done condone it but it's the way people live here .where a Muslim man can have 4 wives and he is required to provide equally for all.for eg if he buys a house for one he is required to buy house for 2nd/3rd etc..is required to spend equal amount of time with all of them etc..

 

But according to my knowledge he cannot marry again without the permission from the first wife .. you need to read up about this ...If you are against sharing I would strongly advice not to go there..He is proposing to divorce his wife as the country you live in don't allow 2 marriages .This situation is really complicated you should read up on marriages in United Arab Emirates you will have a lot of info and can make an informed decision.

 

I suggest you walk away and find someone who only wants to marry and be with you.

[MissBee]

we talked about this, I asked him what is his plan to marry me as second, he said he will divorcing her legally so he can marry me, and he will discuss this topic with her next month. I said ok, and I want he tell me the result after. He say the result might not coming next month because she need more time and it's big decision. They talked about this topic already, divorce or separate, sometimes she said she want divorce and he cannot, sometimes he said he want divorce but she cannot, so later they talked about try seperate, and that's why now he work in another city. He say she is happier now and their relationship get better.

 

I told him my concern, I said she agree seperate doesn't mean she want divorce, I feel it's two different things, and I don't feel she will agree divorce with you and let you marry me, I feel it's very impossible. He said he feel it's possible if we let her feel security, means he will always take care of her and they are still marry in religion way.

 

I asked him how about she say no, and he said, then we need more time and need to find another way. he say he will not leave me, the worst time already happened and we are still together.

 

he want I move to the other city with him so we can live together, he say if we see often I will feel security and less jealous. I asked him how about if she also want to move to the city live with him. He say then he will need to live in both house, but he just say it's unlikely she will want to move there with him. I don't know because I didn't really talk to his wife since Dday. He also propose like we three should meet and discuss arrangement, but she don't want to meet me and I also don't want to meet her, I feel low in front her. I don't feel she is bad person, but I don't like to pretend nice when I know she hate me so much.

 

If she hates you and you feel low around her, I'm sure she will NOT agree to him divorcing her, marrying you, then him living between you two.

 

Why would she ever agree to that given that she hates you?

 

Don't want to rain on your parade, but even you yourself seem to realize what he is suggesting is nonsensical and mostly a pipe dream versus something that will likely occur.

 

I would just tell myself this won't happen and plan your life in the event that it doesn't. If she doesn't agree to this and he remains married to her and she hates you, will you forever be his OW?

[sisa]

This makes me so sad. You worry you won't find anyone - but you don't look, because you're with him. It's a cycle that pulls you in further and further.

 

If you feel low in front of his wife now... Imagine how you will feel with your children in front of hers.

 

It's one thing to accept less for yourself. And quite another to keep it less for your children.

 

yes, the low feelings in front of his wife is the main reason I cannot meet her in this moment, he knew this. I try to figure out what make me get this low feelings, and I think the main reason is because now I am secret lover and she is wife. I am not evil but in fact I don't have much guilty feelings toward her. I don't talk bad about her or treat her without respect, and MM and I didn't have any financial involvement. MM also treat her better compared with before if honestly saying. Now they talk more and have better relationship.

 

I think if MM and me marry later, I won't have low feelings, and we will avoid pregnant before marry.

[sisa]

If she hates you and you feel low around her, I'm sure she will NOT agree to him divorcing her, marrying you, then him living between you two.

 

Why would she ever agree to that given that she hates you?

 

Don't want to rain on your parade, but even you yourself seem to realize what he is suggesting is nonsensical and mostly a pipe dream versus something that will likely occur.

 

I would just tell myself this won't happen and plan your life in the event that it doesn't. If she doesn't agree to this and he remains married to her and she hates you, will you forever be his OW?

 

thank you MissBee, I always feel you get the right point of what I think. I read your story and I feel some parts of your exMM is like my MM.

 

and yes, I dont believe his wife will agree this arrangement, and I want to see how he will deal with it when she say no. He and me talk about move together this summer. So before the date we move together, I want we get clear in this part. If he still don't have concrete result of how we can marry, then I will leave him, it's my deadline.

 

I already give him so many chances, so he know I am serious this time. If he still feel he can play like this always, then I will leave him. I don't want to be the OW forever. it is the last chance I give him.

Edited January 23, 2015 by sisa

[jellybean89]

I believe this guy is lying to you.

 

He is not divorcing his wife legally or religiously. He is telling you what you want to hear so you will continue to be his mistress and accept the crumbs he gives you.

 

You have 2 choices...embrace being the secret lover or dump his lying butt.

 

After a while, you have to stop complaining since you won't change the situation. You know he is loyal to his wife. I don't believe for a second that she knows you are still sleeping with her husband. She is an American woman, she isn't like you -- you are wiling to accept being treated as a secret. You are willingly accepting crumbs.

 

You are wasting your life by being in this affair. You are wasting years that you could have with a family. He isn't going to marry you.

[georgia girl]

Sisa,

 

This is truly a sick situation. Please get counseling. This man is mean, cruel, manipulative and harmful to you. I can't say it plainer than this. Do not believe his lies and get away from him. Please talk to a woman friend or advisor who you respect. This guy is destroying your view of marriage and has completely distorted what a healthy relationship looks like for you. Both you and his wife need significant help to get healthy.

 

I am genuinely sorry for being so harsh but I can't sugar coat this anymore. This is unhealthy.

[avictom]

I am 30+ woman and MM is 40+ man, we are together 3+ years now.

basically we talk everyday and meet 2-4 times a week when in the same city.

now he work in another city alone for half year now.

our relationship is very close, we talk everything very honest with each other.

 

last week is a rough week for us, because I talked a lot, and forced him make decision, he is very patient with me, I think it's because he know himself that he cannot provide what I want, but don't want I leave. He don't make decision of choosing her and me, he say he want both and he love both. he say we have future.

 

last night I make a big drama, and again we talked a lot on phone, and I ask him what he plan to do about us. and he told me he need to discuss with his wife, what he want is can divorce her and marry me in legal way, but he will keep marry her in religion way. He want she and me can learn how to share and he will love she and me equal nice. So basically he want he can have two wives.

 

He told me she is innocent and she is a good woman, and he still love her. He want me accept in future he will spend half time in her place and half time in my place, and he tell me he will still have sex with her, and he will still treat her as his wife. He want she and me can become friends, and he say his dream is we all live together.

 

He say he will discuss this with her when they meet next week (they will stay together 1 month), but he tell me the decision will take longer, because she is still hurting. (our Dday is 2 years ago, he told her he is with me)

 

is anyone try to deal with this situation before?

he told me if I can control my jealous feelings then everything will go very good way, because no one need to get hurt. He will take care both.

 

 

Lies, lies lies. OMG.. It's all about him and his pleasure! Please read my thread above about Narcissism. why do allow him happy with his selfishness allow yourself to believe his lies take his abuse and be second best?

[sisa]

Yesterday he was angry at me because he compared me with his wife and I got some problem with that and start bring his kids in argument. so later he said he is not going to discuss the divorcing things with his wife and they will just spend good time together before I move to his city. My feelings is he make some small things bigger, so now use this to prolong the schedule that he need to bring this topic to her.

 

Suddenly he start worry that we are not fit, it's not happened before because we always get along well. So he say we need to really try to live together for a while than do the marry decision, which means I need to move to his place when I still carry the lover name. And he say before we really decide to marry, he won't discuss the divorce thing with his wife.

 

I don't argue with him at all, I just ask so why he would want to change the situation to marry me if I already live with he as a lover and if his wife accept that if she don't need divorce. He say he will marry me legally because he want our kids born have a legal father.

[sisa]

I believe this guy is lying to you.

 

He is not divorcing his wife legally or religiously. He is telling you what you want to hear so you will continue to be his mistress and accept the crumbs he gives you.

 

You have 2 choices...embrace being the secret lover or dump his lying butt.

 

After a while, you have to stop complaining since you won't change the situation. You know he is loyal to his wife. I don't believe for a second that she knows you are still sleeping with her husband. She is an American woman, she isn't like you -- you are wiling to accept being treated as a secret. You are willingly accepting crumbs.

 

You are wasting your life by being in this affair. You are wasting years that you could have with a family. He isn't going to marry you.

 

He say he can't leave her or me, he want to marry me and will discuss legal divorce topic with her, and keep religion marriage with her. If she don't agree and want to divorce completely, he will accept, but before that, he say he want to try to keep her. He say he also don't think let me be mistress is fair to me, and it's wrong in his religion if he doing it.

 

She know we still contact, because he always want she, he and me three and arrange a meeting to talk, but she don't want to meet me, and I also don't want to meet her. He still love her and care her, but he say he want to live with me and have life with me, and she will know he and me live together.

[jellybean89]

He is lying to you. How do you not see this?

 

Call his wife, ask her if she would be okay with you loving with him. Go on, call her. I bet she has a completely different story for you.