He dropped me

[privategal]

This was a year and 3 months ago...I went back to this friendship/former EA for another round even after I went through this agony.

If you think an A is some sort of answer, you love him, its fun, its sweet, you cant stop...you need to.

Whatever it takes you need to as just today I called the doctor and will need to get on antidepressants, the wounds cut deep. Ive exercised, taken care of my diet, got in the sun...Was feeling a little stronger....at 5 weeks I googled suicide methods.

Its hard to cope, I know better days are ahead but I never thought for all I worked for in my life, how far I came, a good salary and a loving husband...that a seemingly innocent EA would take me down this hard.

Its a mess Im clawing out of and its been so hard to come around lately and show compassion on the boards.

I feel a double standard in lecturing others and I feel no patience anymore to talk anyone through it when I want to scream STOP NOW.

I wont take my life.

But the sun has been out and my world feels gray.

My emotions are raging, the stages of greif usually hit me all in one day...every day. If you pray, pray for me. As I pray for all of you.

[66Charger]

A woman was to be stoned for the crime of adultery.

 

So she prayed

 

That answer was "Go, and sin no more"

 

There is no need to throw stones at yourself, if you have followed the answer.

 

May you find peace

 

Strength and Honor.

Edited May 12, 2016 by 66Charger

[ladydesigner]

(((Privategal))) wishing you peace and serenity and the strength to let go. I hope you start to feel better soon. I have also been in that dark place you describe and you will overcome this!

[Daisy2013]

I wil pray for you. Praying that His peace that surpasses all human understanding will guard you heart and mind. Amen.

[privategal]

Thank you for the prayers.

Im not sure if Ive lost my mind a little but Ive been praying hard. I can only actually stomach my religious music, and I am the biggest music lover of all time but it all feels like razor blades.

Sometimes my job allows me to work from home but I do no work..if my job only knew. I have been worthless, Ive barely left the house, I try to force myself, but I can barely stand to see or hear people.

I used to love life, going here there and everywhere...I just cant get it together but my main concern is how it is getting worse...not better..this last week Im literally drowning in sorrow, I feel its ptsd.

I dont want more ic...I went last time...I l know my issues with abandonment, I know why I greive, I know it was wrong, I know the answer is time and thinking positive.

Im afraid for myself.

I read back through these posts and think how broken and desperate I must have been to have gone back.

I met him at work after I moved to a new city after divorce.

Every new friend I met in that time...I needed...I treasured and cherished...I see how MUCH I truly valued this friendship I could care LESS if he ever loved or lusted after me.

I hope people could read and SEE and feel how YOU could feel at the end...how you can be wrecked, your self worth and self value as good as gone...your whole life gets wrecked and you gotta pick it all up somehow, stop the bleeding, try to even recognize yourself and fill a gaping void.

Its a trainwreck but ohhh people...how innocent, how sweet it all seemed, sentimental words, promises, the belief it was all ok, no one gets hurt.

Id rather have been shot DEAD then to be in this dark hole praying to put one foot in front of the other.

Never ever again never. Thats just it too..the thing that stings WORST is never to speak to my friend ever again. Wow.

Again...Thank you so much for prayers and listening.

Im sorry if I havent been there for you guys lately but I think of everyone in my prayers.

[ShatteredLady]

Oh bless your heart PrivalGal. I know! I know! I know! Life is just so bloody tragic sometimes. I miss ME! I liked me. I liked my faith in life, love, even human beings.

 

Between everything now falls a shadow, a darkness, a dread. Somewhere deep inside I occasionally catch a glimpse of hope & I try to make it linger. I know! I know that there are some truly good & kind, loving & loyal people in this world & I'm blessed to know them.

 

I think I'm suffering from PTSD too! Even in a moment of joy I can feel the meltdown trying to bubble to the surface. When the panic hits I can't even start to express it in words anymore. Sometimes when I'm in that dark place I fear that it will consume what's left of me.

 

All we can do is hold onto what we have, cherish who we have & wait for the elusive "enough time" to pass & hope that the 'ME' I knew still survives in here somewhere & I can build a stronger future out of this steaming pile of poop!

[Adoraxx]

Dear Privategal,

 

I know how you feel because I could have written those exact words myself. Sending you many, many big hugs and I wanted to share this with you

 

"For I know the plans that I [am] planning concerning you,' {declares} Yahweh, 'plans for prosperity and not for harm, to give to you a future and a hope"

 

Let's keep on hoping for better times

((((((((((((((HUGS ))))))))))))))))

Adoraxx

[Cymbeline]

I'm so sorry you feel so despondent. The anti- depressants will make a very big difference. You might briefly go down further when you begin taking them and you may need to try a different one, but please persevere with them. They can lift you a little out of this helpless despair so that you are then able to use what you learn in therapy and take charge of your own recovery.

 

Very best wishes.

[jenkins95]

Big hug for you ((((Privategal))))

 

You are one of the most loved and valuable members here. You have helped soooo many people, but are in so much pain yourself. Just last night, I am sure I had a better nights sleep than I otherwise would have had, purely down to your messages and support. You are amazing. We need you and things WILL get better. Hang in there and come to us.

 

So much of what you said spoke to me, and I'm sure to many others. Here are just a few of your lines that I could have easily written myself: -

 

Sometimes my job allows me to work from home but I do no work..if my job only knew. I have been worthless, Ive barely left the house, I try to force myself, but I can barely stand to see or hear people.

Yep! I've been there too. I actually lost my job in January. I can't blame them because I was basically sitting in a corner on my own, miserable and unproductive surfing the web, my only comfort being LS. When I was told I had lost my job, I couldn't have cared less. I just walked out quietly without a word.

 

I used to love life, going here there and everywhere...I just cant get it together but my main concern is how it is getting worse...not better..this last week Im literally drowning in sorrow, I feel its ptsd.

You will love life again - there is clearly so much love inside you. It is just that so much of it is directed in painful directions at the moment. You will get past this.

 

Regarding it getting worse. Well, instead of worse, would you agree that it goes in cycles or even random patterns? Some OK days, then a bad day, a good day, then some horror days, then an unexpectedly good day, etc. That's what I find. I may go a run of a few days that are so good that I feel I am getting over it, then I wake up the next day barely able to face getting out of bed and knowing that every footstep I take or smile that I force onto my lips is going to take monumental effort. When you are in the bad days, as you are now, it's hard to see that not every day is that bad, and that it is not just a general downward spiral, it is actually a fairly unpredictable mix in my experience - the path doesn't just head down, it seems to head all over the place. Would you say that you have good (well, better at least) days too sometimes and that the journey is not just a spiral that gets worse and worse?

 

I hope people could read and SEE and feel how YOU could feel at the end...how you can be wrecked, your self worth and self value as good as gone...your whole life gets wrecked and you gotta pick it all up somehow, stop the bleeding, try to even recognize yourself and fill a gaping void.

Its a trainwreck but ohhh people...how innocent, how sweet it all seemed, sentimental words, promises, the belief it was all ok, no one gets hurt.

Id rather have been shot DEAD then to be in this dark hole praying to put one foot in front of the other.

Never ever again never.

 

Oh PG, not for the first time today reading your posts, I am nodding my head in agreement while wiping tears away.

 

 

We are here for you PG. We value you so highly and you are one of us. Keep posting. Thank you for being you. J

Edited May 12, 2016 by jenkins95

[Daisy2013]

Just dropping by to say I hope you slept well and to wish you peace and strength today.

[privategal]

I'm so sorry you feel so despondent. The anti- depressants will make a very big difference. You might briefly go down further when you begin taking them and you may need to try a different one, but please persevere with them. They can lift you a little out of this helpless despair so that you are then able to use what you learn in therapy and take charge of your own recovery.

 

Very best wishes.

 

Thank you, I hoped Id be strong enough without them, not that people who use them are weak...its just I cant believe this is what its come to, its so horrible to go and pay and pick up a pill for mental illness over one person out of 7 billion in the world...just one brought me to my knees enough that I am medicating to get over it.

I wonder if God wont answer my pleas for help because I wish my ex friend ill will and misery.

Not physical suffering but more so that his heart feels heavy like a lead weight and he is unable to forget the cruel harsh treatment.

The shame is the toughest...the humiliation that you cant be a cool calm woman and just pick up, dust yourself off and reconnect with your life and wish them well. Who wants to be bitter? Its horrible to be that way...yet I am I guess.

[privategal]

Oh bless your heart PrivalGal. I know! I know! I know! Life is just so bloody tragic sometimes. I miss ME! I liked me. I liked my faith in life, love, even human beings.

 

Between everything now falls a shadow, a darkness, a dread. Somewhere deep inside I occasionally catch a glimpse of hope & I try to make it linger. I know! I know that there are some truly good & kind, loving & loyal people in this world & I'm blessed to know them.

 

I think I'm suffering from PTSD too! Even in a moment of joy I can feel the meltdown trying to bubble to the surface. When the panic hits I can't even start to express it in words anymore. Sometimes when I'm in that dark place I fear that it will consume what's left of me.

 

All we can do is hold onto what we have, cherish who we have & wait for the elusive "enough time" to pass & hope that the 'ME' I knew still survives in here somewhere & I can build a stronger future out of this steaming pile of poop!

I wish there was a finish line where we could all watch everyone cross and finish the greif cycle and cheer everyome on. Pain will not be a lifelong sentence but it does truly look like it. Thank you for showing kindness and compassion.

[privategal]

Dear Privategal,

 

I know how you feel because I could have written those exact words myself. Sending you many, many big hugs and I wanted to share this with you

 

"For I know the plans that I [am] planning concerning you,' {declares} Yahweh, 'plans for prosperity and not for harm, to give to you a future and a hope"

 

Let's keep on hoping for better times

((((((((((((((HUGS ))))))))))))))))

Adoraxx

This made me cry as it is my favorite scripture and one Ive turned to many times for hope. Thank you so much.

[privategal]

Big hug for you ((((Privategal))))

 

You are one of the most loved and valuable members here. You have helped soooo many people, but are in so much pain yourself. Just last night, I am sure I had a better nights sleep than I otherwise would have had, purely down to your messages and support. You are amazing. We need you and things WILL get better. Hang in there and come to us.

 

So much of what you said spoke to me, and I'm sure to many others. Here are just a few of your lines that I could have easily written myself: -

 

 

Yep! I've been there too. I actually lost my job in January. I can't blame them because I was basically sitting in a corner on my own, miserable and unproductive surfing the web, my only comfort being LS. When I was told I had lost my job, I couldn't have cared less. I just walked out quietly without a word.

 

 

You will love life again - there is clearly so much love inside you. It is just that so much of it is directed in painful directions at the moment. You will get past this.

 

Regarding it getting worse. Well, instead of worse, would you agree that it goes in cycles or even random patterns? Some OK days, then a bad day, a good day, then some horror days, then an unexpectedly good day, etc. That's what I find. I may go a run of a few days that are so good that I feel I am getting over it, then I wake up the next day barely able to face getting out of bed and knowing that every footstep I take or smile that I force onto my lips is going to take monumental effort. When you are in the bad days, as you are now, it's hard to see that not every day is that bad, and that it is not just a general downward spiral, it is actually a fairly unpredictable mix in my experience - the path doesn't just head down, it seems to head all over the place. Would you say that you have good (well, better at least) days too sometimes and that the journey is not just a spiral that gets worse and worse?

 

 

 

Oh PG, not for the first time today reading your posts, I am nodding my head in agreement while wiping tears away.

 

 

We are here for you PG. We value you so highly and you are one of us. Keep posting. Thank you for being you. J

 

Big hugs back. You are a gem and Im so glad you found these boards.

I am so tired of the rollercoaster, its exhausting me, and I get so thankful for a good day I just crave one more please one more...and I think its unhealthy to sit on doom and gloom but the depression is not something you can just shake, just get happy....you literally are only just breathing...every other part of you is jello, lifeless and despondant.

I cant lose this job, we would be in financial ruin. Luckily I am in the field so I can fake it some days but am trying to give my all.

We all got eachother!

Im so glad you found another job and are slowly rebuilding your life J!

Thanks for encouraging words! ((Hugs))

[jenkins95]

Thanks PG! Just keep going! You have to get through the bad days to get to the good days unfortunately, but they are there ahead of you waiting.

 

It's funny about my job actually. When I went for the interview for my new job, I was asked the inevitable question "Why did you leave your previous position?"

 

If I had been truthful, the answer would have been something like this: -

 

"Well, all last year and much of the previous year, I was the MM in an affair which recently ended, turning several lives upside-down including my own. At work, I couldn't concentrate on my actual job, so I simply sat on my own in a corner surfing the web, looking up post-affair advice and posting to LS. I pretty much ignored my colleagues, who were blissfully unaware that I wasn't doing anything productive, until a key delivery date on my project when they realised the day before, and with the customer waiting, that there was absolutely nothing to deliver! Ooops! My manager then "invited" me to leave the company, so I accepted!"

 

What I actually said was something like: -

 

"Much as I enjoyed my previous job, I had found that I had outgrown it and that it no longer challenged me enough. I have been looking for a position that would more closely match my growing skill-set and ambition, and when I read up on your company, I realised that it was an exact match for my ambitions."

 

I got the job , and once again I realised how good a liar I can be!

 

Stay strong PG - everyone wants to see you get better soon!

 

J

 

Big hugs back. You are a gem and Im so glad you found these boards.

I am so tired of the rollercoaster, its exhausting me, and I get so thankful for a good day I just crave one more please one more...and I think its unhealthy to sit on doom and gloom but the depression is not something you can just shake, just get happy....you literally are only just breathing...every other part of you is jello, lifeless and despondant.

I cant lose this job, we would be in financial ruin. Luckily I am in the field so I can fake it some days but am trying to give my all.

We all got eachother!

Im so glad you found another job and are slowly rebuilding your life J!

Thanks for encouraging words! ((Hugs))

[stilltrying16]

I wish there was a finish line where we could all watch everyone cross and finish the greif cycle and cheer everyome on. Pain will not be a lifelong sentence but it does truly look like it. Thank you for showing kindness and compassion.

 

Trust you to come up with the perfect image for how people can support each other! I love the thought of a finish line, and even in the month I've been here, I have seen you help so many people move toward that line!

 

You've helped me very much, Private Gal, and we haven't even posted together. I'm also very sure you've made a difference to a ton of people who read here and might or might not post. Please know that many people are cheering for you!

 

The goodness you have sent out to others will keep coming back to you in droves. It will get you through the pain. Count on it!

[Grapesofwrath]

Privategal: What's past is past. There is nothing to be done about any of that now, so better to face forward and work from that direction.

 

I encourage you to stay NC. Not as penance, but because it is the path to healing. Each day that goes by will bring you closer to clarity. I can assure you of this.

 

A friend does not routinely abandon you because of a disagreement. A friend does not punish you for a disagreement by turning his back on you, and then being unwilling to discuss the issues when you are speaking again.

 

What I get from your post is that you loved the warmth, support, and kindness that xMM would provide on a sporadic basis. Are these things missing from your marriage? Can you find another source for them that does not involve an affair?

 

Curious...how did you meet you xMM and how did you prevent it from turning physical over the course of 2 decades?

[Forceawakensme]

PG -- Ive told you this before you, you have helped me enormously.

Your little left aligned posts that smack of your trademark sisterly tough love and support are just pure gold.

 

I admire your honesty, vulnerability and willingness to stand up for people (and yourself) when earnest threads are being swarmed by judgement and not enough practical advice and guidance through darkest hours.

 

I think what you describe is a friendship that went well beyond just friendship and i dont mean just sexual (as i know that ended a while ago and you were content with the friendship that remained). But a toxic co-dependency that had you pinning your self-worth and almost your whole life's story to this friendship and its journey. No wonder you are lost right now, its like chapters from your life story have been torn out and you're left with torn pages and gaping holes. This would be excruciating for anybody.

 

Im not sure if you ever said you were in IC. However, have you considered attending CoDA meetings? Its almost like you two were fused so closely together that you cant tell where he ends and you begin. Perhaps stripping everything back to basics, really finding out who are without this friendship and this person.

 

Also once the ADS kick in, reaching out of your comfort zone to form new friendships is crucial. Ive suffered a painful friendship break-up (with betrayal), a childhood friendship that was so significant that i avoid listening to all 80s and 90s music because it hits me like daggers. I had to find new friends, and i did.. connecting, laughing, it was never the same, but it was healthy and over time those new friendships and the seeds ive planted will develop into long-term friendships that are just as significant.

 

You have no choice but to move forward and you will darling. One foot in front of the other. Assign and meet one healthy goal a day.

[rainbowsandkittens]

I'm so sorry you're hurting, PG. I know that pain all too well. I am a big advocate for anti-depressants. I know you don't really want to take them but I do think they might help you find your way through this. If you need anything, please don't hesitate to ask. Sending you so much love and peace.

[privategal]

Privategal: What's past is past. There is nothing to be done about any of that now, so better to face forward and work from that direction.

 

I encourage you to stay NC. Not as penance, but because it is the path to healing. Each day that goes by will bring you closer to clarity. I can assure you of this.

 

A friend does not routinely abandon you because of a disagreement. A friend does not punish you for a disagreement by turning his back on you, and then being unwilling to discuss the issues when you are speaking again.

 

What I get from your post is that you loved the warmth, support, and kindness that xMM would provide on a sporadic basis. Are these things missing from your marriage? Can you find another source for them that does not involve an affair?

 

Curious...how did you meet you xMM and how did you prevent it from turning physical over the course of 2 decades?

 

Thank you the xeap was coworker. I am no longer anywhere even close to an A nor breaking contact.

[privategal]

PG -- Ive told you this before you, you have helped me enormously.

Your little left aligned posts that smack of your trademark sisterly tough love and support are just pure gold.

 

I admire your honesty, vulnerability and willingness to stand up for people (and yourself) when earnest threads are being swarmed by judgement and not enough practical advice and guidance through darkest hours.

 

I think what you describe is a friendship that went well beyond just friendship and i dont mean just sexual (as i know that ended a while ago and you were content with the friendship that remained). But a toxic co-dependency that had you pinning your self-worth and almost your whole life's story to this friendship and its journey. No wonder you are lost right now, its like chapters from your life story have been torn out and you're left with torn pages and gaping holes. This would be excruciating for anybody.

 

Im not sure if you ever said you were in IC. However, have you considered attending CoDA meetings? Its almost like you two were fused so closely together that you cant tell where he ends and you begin. Perhaps stripping everything back to basics, really finding out who are without this friendship and this person.

 

Also once the ADS kick in, reaching out of your comfort zone to form new friendships is crucial. Ive suffered a painful friendship break-up (with betrayal), a childhood friendship that was so significant that i avoid listening to all 80s and 90s music because it hits me like daggers. I had to find new friends, and i did.. connecting, laughing, it was never the same, but it was healthy and over time those new friendships and the seeds ive planted will develop into long-term friendships that are just as significant.

 

You have no choice but to move forward and you will darling. One foot in front of the other. Assign and meet one healthy goal a day.

 

If you are not in the medical psychology field you should be!

You hit every note that is accurate.

I am going to get on the meds my doctor wanted to see me before prescribing so I am going Monday.

I am still not going to go back to IC, I have met a few over the years.

I don't like them I don't find them helpful.

Honestly, I'm wide awake, well aware of every void, flaw, misstep, past childhood hurt.

I know whats going on, I know what to do.

What is plaguing me is deep hurt.

Theres no IC or med that can fix that but prayer, and to keep striving and trying and using meds to help now is a step I am going to now take.

And to someone with abandonment it will cut deeper, and hit harder and in this case since it is forever ended and not able to be repaired nor fixed with my ex friend its just the shock and hoping it never came to this and YESSSSSSSSSSS thank you for seeing that it indeep did now rip chapters out of my life, my identity. The friendship was just deeply important and ingrained. I identify so closely with the loss of your childhood friend and how you aren't able to listen to 80's and 90's music.

It was so sad to read for your sake and yet I almost feel human and normal to hear that.

It makes so much sense.

Thank you so much, and a hug and thank you to anyone I missed I can think of Rainbow and Jenkins, I am once again so grateful for your help and words and often feel trivial or too mushy in your eyes with all the drippy thanks but you don't know the level of gratitude, thanks cant be enough.

[Onlywhenitrains]

Dearest, dearest PG - I'm sending you countless hugs and good wishes, and I hope you get better!

 

Your words of support, kindness, honesty and tough love helped so many around here! Myself included, and I'm so grateful for that. As I'm sure many here on LS are.

 

One of the worst things one can do is give up when pain is excruciating, and days are grey, and you find yourself in that dark place. Don't! There is always sunshine after rain!

 

We love you! Stay strong! You can do it!

 

You are in my thoughts and prayers!

[privategal]

Dearest, dearest PG - I'm sending you countless hugs and good wishes, and I hope you get better!

 

Your words of support, kindness, honesty and tough love helped so many around here! Myself included, and I'm so grateful for that. As I'm sure many here on LS are.

 

One of the worst things one can do is give up when pain is excruciating, and days are grey, and you find yourself in that dark place. Don't! There is always sunshine after rain!

 

We love you! Stay strong! You can do it!

 

You are in my thoughts and prayers!

Awe so warming and comforting I need to get back on some threads and see if I could join you all in helping to shed some light. I need those prayers more than I need to breathe right now! Thank youuu!!

[Jersey born raised]

One step atba time towards a goal. You need a goal to be something. Just setting a goal to be in NC is not enough. Try to think to think of healthily things and set goals to achieve them.

 

Some IC are good at this must are not. Try to find a mentor or in person group meeting.

 

One step, never give up on yourself

[privategal]

Thank you. I am alone in a new city, I really dont engage with my family and have no friends here as I travel every daybfor work...hours in the car so making friends is next to impossible so the advice I always read...go out, spend time with friends...it always hurts more. Xo