VeryBrokenMan Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 I fall in the camp that says no contact means no contact. An affair is disrespectful enough but continuing contact after being discovered would be my line in the sand. At some point you have to put yourself first and standup for yourself. Expect nothing but the best from him and don't settle for less going forward or otherwise you are condoning his bad behavior. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 Hi everyone. So things between my H and I have actually been doing better, maybe because I have been focusing more on myself and haven't really had time to check up on him. So I decided to snoop again and I see that he still has very little contact with the OW, but lately he has been seeking her out, like contacting her first. She wished him a happy Valentine's Day. He told her it was just ok. And then he asks her if she did anything...she didn't respond. Why would he ask her that? She didn't ask him what he did. I found the question to be very bold and direct. Like what else do people really do on Valentine's Day? Please I would like some thoughts on why he asked it, I don't think it was an innocent question... And please no lectures that I shouldn't be snooping, that I shouldn't worry what he is doing and that I just need to divorce him...I know all this already. Please I would just like some insight into that question. Thank you guys No it's good you're snooping. It means HE IS LYING to you about NC. If you two are working on your marriage, he is doing wrong by keeping in touch with her. He is getting 'something' from her by this bit of contact. An ego feed, a rush, something... All contact has to end, otherwise your marriage rebuilding efforts are wasted because he isn't totally invested in YOU and it proves he's hiding stuff from you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 If a BS was NOT snooping for some time after Dday I would think something was wrong with them. Trust but verify.... hell just verify. Just do it (snoop). I would say it would be one thing if the OW contacted him (she initiated) and maybe he sent a terse brief response. However he is seeking her out, he is initiating contact. Like others have posted his inquiry about Vday was to see what her romantic status is. If you can't divorce right now for various reasons, then you need to start managing and living your own life and planning for the future. Basically stop being a wife, and more a roommate, and get on with your life while under the same roof until you can divorce in the future. He is certainly not being a husband to you by contacting OW after Dday and NC. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 If a BS was NOT snooping for some time after Dday I would think something was wrong with them. Trust but verify.... hell just verify. Just do it (snoop). Can I get a Hell Yeah?!? I turned into a Digital Ninja after D-Day, and don't have a seconds regret over it. I knew where she was, when she was there, and saw every keystroke on every device. Now, this quickly grew tiresome, and one day I just turned it all off, deciding this was not how I wanted to spend my time. But if I ever felt the need to snoop, I'd be all up in her business like the IRS and not think twice about it. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Hi everyone. So things between my H and I have actually been doing better, maybe because I have been focusing more on myself and haven't really had time to check up on him. So I decided to snoop again and I see that he still has very little contact with the OW, but lately he has been seeking her out, like contacting her first. She wished him a happy Valentine's Day. He told her it was just ok. And then he asks her if she did anything...she didn't respond. Why would he ask her that? She didn't ask him what he did. I found the question to be very bold and direct. Like what else do people really do on Valentine's Day? Please I would like some thoughts on why he asked it, I don't think it was an innocent question... And please no lectures that I shouldn't be snooping, that I shouldn't worry what he is doing and that I just need to divorce him...I know all this already. Please I would just like some insight into that question. Thank you guys Please, stop trying to find the meaning behind the words and look at the meaning behind the continued contact. My opinion, by still maintaining contact he is still having an A. He simply doesn't respect you enough to R. I'm sorry that you are still being tortured. You CAN stop this, you don't have to live a tortured life. ((Hugs)) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 "Why would he ask her that?" Because he wanted her to know it was not lovely because he didn't spend it with her. Now, how are your plans to leave going? Link to post Share on other sites
Chasing_mya Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 I have an issue that he's continuing to contact her. Why hasn't she been blocked? Why is he inquiring & asking questions like he still cares? If its over he has to cease all communication with her. Emails like this are a deal breaker and I'd bring it to his attention. If the shoe were on the other foot he wouldn't like you contacting someone that you were involved with. If he continues to do this than it says alot about his mind frame towards the marriage. You need to handle this and see where his head is at because having continued contact with her is a red flag. Link to post Share on other sites
trolloperative Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 You married him as a cheater (and after he gave you an STD) so I really don't see the issue here. We've already established he still has strong feelings for the OW. Nothing will change. Just accept it and carry on with your life. He's still allowing you and your daughter to live in his house, right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Why hasn't she been blocked? Why is he inquiring & asking questions like he still cares? Because he does. Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 You will eventually just have to learn how to accept this if you are unwilling to leave. I think they time is has to stop torturing yourself with the details and trying to "figure out" what you already know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Selfish Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 I agree with others. You need to either stop checking up on him and accept he is and will continue to cheat on you. If you do this please use protection with him and get tested for stis regularly. Or 180 him. Not for him to get sorry but so you can break off your codependancy and set yourself free. As to the question. We aren't him. He could have numerous motives. None of them matter. All that matters is he IS contacting her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Him seeking her out to talk to her is grounds for divorce. Just walk away, he has no business talking to her..especially about Valentines Day. It is also obvious that things were not truly starting to get better..you just thought they were. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 I don't think her H has ever said there will be no contact. He actually told the OW to contact him anytime, so plainly put he's not breaking NC. He said the A was over, but he wasn't ending contact. To the point he deleted his wife as a FB friend and kept the OW. This speaks volumes. The problem here is that the H feels financially responsible for the OP, and from previous threads that and her daughter seem to be the main reasons he is still in the marriage. I think OP is currently getting her ducks in a row towards financial independence. The house belongs to her H, they have no kids together, I'm not sure what spousal support she'd get if they were to split. When you say things have been better, what does your H do to really show his love for you? Financial independence goes a long way and he knows Confusedwife has little financial means. I don't even get the impression he would be that bothered if she knew about the contact, because he sees himself as having the power in their marriage. Money is indeed power. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 (edited) Double post Edited February 20, 2015 by sandylee1 double post Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted February 21, 2015 Share Posted February 21, 2015 Confusedwife; He is a serial cheater, you know it. So you're happy to spend the rest of your life like this? You know this isn't his first OW and won't be his last either. Your life is in your hands. Put up or shut up? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts