First date sex, now what? How to show interest?

[clevelander321]

 

What did you say when she flaked on you without having the decency to call, and then tried to set up another plan for the day after? Which she will probably flake on too, meaning you've wasted two nights of the weekend on plans which never materialise.

 

I feel I handled it fine, although I was surprised/bummed.. I just said "Ok, I am not sure what I am doing tomorrow yet, Ill call you if I am free"

 

It confuses me as she has shown a lot of interest, in that during every phone conversation she tried to set something up, and she answered every time I called. (3 times over 2 weeks)

 

So I was really surprised that she would flake like this. But I also had a feeling inside that she was a bit odd.

 

This was the convo Tuesday..

 

Her: "Ok, I have to put my little one in bed.. Are you free this weekend? Let's hang out" (enthusiastic)

 

Me: "Sounds good. I will pick you up Friday? What time?"

 

Her : That works. My ex will pick his daughter up around 8:30-9ish. Call me around that time.

 

Me: Ok sounds good..

 

So it also didn't make sense for her to answer with a sleepy voice and say "Oh, I have been sleeping since 3.. Not sure what happened or why I feel like this.. I am just waking up now because the phone rang. Are you free tomorrow?"

Edited January 31, 2015 by clevelander321

[BlueIris]

To me, this means that she does this kind of thing regularly. That would be off-putting to me. You're not special, she often sleeps with guys on the first date and even has "rules" regarding contact. Ugh.

 

 

Was she drunk when she said this? If not,how could it be the alcohol talking?

 

If I were you I'd just play it cool. You've only been on 1 date. You're not much more than strangers. There's no need to call every day to see how her day went. That is what established couples do, not people who've only been on 1 date. Besides, you don't know how many other guys she's "dating".....

 

Agreed. And some women see it the same way (lots actually)... as off-putting, or they might view him only as sex guy or one-night-stand guy, or might decide whether to see him again based on how good the sex was, or might just move on, or might be open to giving him a try for a potential relationship. Just like some men. Maybe she wasn't feeling good. You just never know.

 

I see no harm in asking her out if you want to, and get drunk and/or have sex, or not. What you two do on other dates is up to you both. Pursue if you want to. Have fun.

[preraph]

Call her and make a firm date for the next time you're both available. Then contact her the day before to confirm. Then show up.

[Redhead14]

This was my first date since being divorced.. I picked her up, we went out, and both of us drank a bit too much.. We went back to my place and had an amazing night.

 

I really wasn't expecting anything more than fun, but while together she was so 100% verbally and physically into me, that I can't get it out of my head.. She made it clear at least 5 times she wants to see me again, anytime, but she does not call guys, so I have to call. Other things like she asked to cuddle close all night, told me I am so cool, awesome to hang out with, so sexy, so good in bed, etc. Every facet of me seemed perfect to her. But she was drinking..

 

Both of us have a child, so that leaves us with weekends to be free. The only issue is that there will be about 2 weeks in between seeing her again. I have my child this upcoming weekend.

 

I sent her an email the next day asking if she made it to work, and no reply. I called 2 days later and we chatted for 5 minutes, and I told her I had fun, was looking forward to seeing her again. She told me she feels the same, and weekends are good.

 

So, I am wondering if this was possibly just alcohol talking? How do I keep the interest up these next 2 weeks? I already called and told her I was interested.. We do not text.

 

New to dating again, and there is the whole "Am I being needy thing" if I am calling every couple days to chat? Since she made it clear she will not call a guy, I either have to keep showing interest by calling and risk looking "needy", or just play it cool for a week and a half and set something up before a date, but by then she might feel I am not interested or the rhythm just fizzled out?

 

First of all, calling a dating partner in the beginning is not about neediness. It's about showing interest. It only becomes neediness if you call her, she doesn't answer and you call her 5 more times without an answer. If you call her and she answers and is receptive and keeps the conversation going, it's all good. You can call her a couple of times a week if you like as long as she is receptive during each call. If she shakes you off quickly say after the second call of the week, she may not really like that much contact. You can ask her during one of the calls, when can I call you again?

 

But, I would make sure that one of those calls includes an invite for a date at a specific place and time. If she can't go at that time, if she's interested enough, she will offer an alternate arrangement.

 

That being said, I understand why you are feeling that her interest may have been alcohol induced because she kept the subsequent call from you short, but she did tell you weekends were good.

 

Give her a call and ask her for a date on the weekend and guage her response.

 

Good luck.

[RedRobin]

I hear what you are saying, but while just about every guy loves a sexually adventurous and liberated woman, most dont necessarily want to see that side of it until they have known the person well and there is a mutual attraction and/or trust...

 

Otherwise, unfortunately, they inevitably wind up being frowned upon as the neighborhood blowjob Queen...And it may not be true, but there is no way to know...Fair or not, thats how most guys view it...

 

So, as a woman, it just makes sense that if you want a guy to be there in the end, you stand a better chance if you dont go there...Most decent men arent going to get angry or flake if a woman doesnt put out on date 1 or even date 7 for that matter.. so I really dont see the need to put yourself in that position, unless sex was the only goal...in that case, no one cares...its two adults doing what they want....just dont complain about what happens, then...

 

 

TFY

 

 

... not to mention that there are plenty of sexually adventurous and liberated women who want a man who can show restraint and class too. I've rejected more men than I care to count who made a move or pushed for sex early... not because I wasn't attracted to him, but because he was forcing me to make a decision about him prematurely... I don't appreciate being put in that position, and I too have my doubts about his ability to keep his pants up in a tight situation.

 

 

Hey, OP... You might want to keep that in mind. Even the women who might be ok with an occasional fling or ONS are just as likely to rule you out for anything more strictly because YOU had sex with THEM on the first date. My one and only ONS when I was quite young... that was my verdict back then. He wanted more after the fact. Despite how much we (seemingly) had in common and how fun the sex was... I had already decided that I didn't want a relationship with a guy who could get drunk and have one night stands. Still don't. Takes care of alotta drama right there...

[Bellaisa]

Yeah, alcohol will do that to a person! What's up with not calling guys. That's kind of weird. It kind of shows she wants you to work for her, but you are right, you could easily get to be too much if you call too much. It's not fair to make you have to figure all that out.

 

I would suggest making a date for the weekend and then not calling her until the night before. It's a happy medium that may work for you.

[thefooloftheyear]

... not to mention that there are plenty of sexually adventurous and liberated women who want a man who can show restraint and class too. I've rejected more men than I care to count who made a move or pushed for sex early... not because I wasn't attracted to him, but because he was forcing me to make a decision about him prematurely... I don't appreciate being put in that position, and I too have my doubts about his ability to keep his pants up in a tight situation.

 

 

Hey, OP... You might want to keep that in mind. Even the women who might be ok with an occasional fling or ONS are just as likely to rule you out for anything more strictly because YOU had sex with THEM on the first date. My one and only ONS when I was quite young... that was my verdict back then. He wanted more after the fact. Despite how much we (seemingly) had in common and how fun the sex was... I had already decided that I didn't want a relationship with a guy who could get drunk and have one night stands. Still don't. Takes care of alotta drama right there...

 

 

No argument....agreed..

 

I think though that because women are often the "gatekeepers" when it comes to this stuff, then the burden, unfortunately is on them to set the tone...But, sure...a guy has to be a gentleman here...Its not that difficult...Not all push /demand sex early on..esp in the context of a potential relationship..

 

Lets face it....there is a name for those guys that push for sex without expressed and clear permission from women...rapists,( or potential rapists anyway)...

 

TFY

[clevelander321]

In my case it was her pushing for sex.

 

She said she wanted to get together today instead so debating whether or not to give another chance.

[RedRobin]

In my case it was her pushing for sex.

 

Either way, the fact that you went ahead would still rule you out for anything more in MY book. Call it the new double standard. Heck, if I even THINK the guy is down with that (never mind if he actually goes through with it), he's out.

 

 

Guys who don't exercise discretion get treated like a guy who doesn't exercise discretion. *shrug* Not saying that you deserve to be abused... but you don't deserve special consideration either. That's how it goes when you eff total strangers.

[clevelander321]

Either way, the fact that you went ahead would still rule you out for anything more in MY book. Call it the new double standard. Heck, if I even THINK the guy is down with that (never mind if he actually goes through with it), he's out.

 

 

Guys who don't exercise discretion get treated like a guy who doesn't exercise discretion. *shrug* Not saying that you deserve to be abused... but you don't deserve special consideration either. That's how it goes when you eff total strangers.

 

Lol, ok.. It could be many things. I do not know.. I have fallen in love and had very long relationships after a first date with intimacy so it could be anything I suppose.

[RedRobin]

Lol, ok.. It could be many things. I do not know.. I have fallen in love and had very long relationships after a first date with intimacy so it could be anything I suppose.

 

 

meh, that's like saying I can boil a pot of water using just a bic lighter. I suppose it isn't impossible... but there are better ways to go about it. Just sayin'. The rest is just wishful thinking, if you ask me.

 

 

Just keep your expectations low, and I'm sure you'll be fine. Low, as in... don't expect return phone calls, or advance notice, or any of that. Sounds to me like she might be DTF given the right circumstances and if it fits in her schedule. If you are expecting more, then readjust or let it go.

Edited February 1, 2015 by RedRobin

[clevelander321]

So I ended up giving this another shot even though she cancelled the previous night because she sounded sincere and suggested to go out Saturday. Once again, during the first date we had amazing chemistry in many ways, not just sexually.

 

So I called and she answered.. She sounded a bit nervous. After chit chat she said "Do you want to go out tonight? Let's go out and have some fun" I said sounds good when will you be ready..

 

Once again she said "call me at 8". I thought this was funny and suggested I would just pick her up at a time. She then said her daughter has the flu and is at her ex's house, so she needs to wait for her to sleep or she might have her dropped off at her house.

 

So, I said that is fine and I called her a little past 8 and she did not answer or call back.

 

I guess what confuses me is why she always answered my calls, always suggested going out before i even could, then flakes last minute.

[RedRobin]

Because she got a better offer from the guy who called her at 7:30, lol.

 

 

You can probably count on her calling you at some point if/when her well runs dry. Same as women who get random calls from guys looking for a booty call after they had first date sex.

 

 

That's whatcha get when you screw strangers. They have their own set of morals that most likely don't align with yours. Welcome to the Brave New World of dating...

 

 

But cheer up... she might have ended up the other way as a stalker or hysterical...

[clevelander321]

Because she got a better offer from the guy who called her at 7:30, lol.

 

 

You can probably count on her calling you at some point if/when her well runs dry. Same as women who get random calls from guys looking for a booty call after they had first date sex.

 

 

That's whatcha get when you screw strangers. They have their own set of morals that most likely don't align with yours. Welcome to the Brave New World of dating...

 

 

But cheer up... she might have ended up the other way as a stalker or hysterical...

 

I guess it is a definite possibility.

 

But you are assuming women always have control over everything, never act odd, and never play games. Or have any type of insecurity. Or get scared and pull away. If they are flaky in your world, it means they must be banging several guys.

 

She struck me as extremely open, honest, and straightforward when we were together. If she did not I would just assume she is doing what you have suggested. I know many women, and through talking to them I know they do all sorts of strange things when they are interested.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I think it's just lame to attribute all kinds of nasty qualities to this girl because she had sex on the first date!! Sexual activity isn't viewed by the same value system for everybody (says me who has had 2 partners!!) that said, her other behavior makes me pretty sure she is a flakey lady and even if she did go out with you at this point I fear that not much good would come of it for you except maybe another fun sexy time.

[smackie9]

IMO you shouldn't have to try thins hard to get anything going.

[clevelander321]

IMO you shouldn't have to try thins hard to get anything going.

 

I agree. At this point I am definitely not contacting her anymore

[elaine567]

She may be highly embarrassed that somehow you ended up bed together as that is not normally her style, and/or she perhaps sees you as some sort of player who was fine for a night but not really dating material.

Or she is just a ONS/casual sex sort of person, or you scratched an itch that night, but she is not that into you.

 

There could be a myriad of reasons.

It seems now though you have flogged that horse to death, it looks like it is not getting up any time soon.

[clevelander321]

Well an update.

 

So as I said, she basically blew me off Friday and Saturday night after she made plans with me.

 

That late Saturday night (about 2am) I wrote her an email telling her she brings I smile to my face, perhaps the timing wasn't right, but that's why I was trying to see her. At this point in my life, after going through a divorce, I really don't care to play any games, so I was just being honest. We had really good chemistry.

 

I then called Sunday am.. She answered and said she just didn't feel good,apologized half heartedly, and was sort of irritated that I called it seemed..So at this point I am over it.

 

I am guessing she got my email later in the day, and then she called me.

 

She called asking to see me... I told her I would and she was excited..

 

So, I saw her again, and amazing chemistry.. She explained she has been hurt before, and asked if I wanted to be her boyfriend.. She was saying basically, she didn't think I liked her as much.. WTF? We were together about 18 hours and was really hard to leave each other.. We are supposed to see each other next weekend.

 

But to be honest, something still doesn't seem exactly right..She still never emails or calls me.. And I honestly wouldn't be surprised if she flaked on me again.. I called her and she asked to see me again next weekend, and she was telling me how great I am.. She was all excited..

 

But at the same time I find it odd she never reaches out AT ALL, via email, call etc.. I can actually picture her flaking again.. I guess I will just play it cool , make a date, and see if she doesn't flake?

[RedRobin]

I guess it is a definite possibility.

 

But you are assuming women always have control over everything, never act odd, and never play games. Or have any type of insecurity. Or get scared and pull away. If they are flaky in your world, it means they must be banging several guys.

 

She struck me as extremely open, honest, and straightforward when we were together. If she did not I would just assume she is doing what you have suggested. I know many women, and through talking to them I know they do all sorts of strange things when they are interested.

 

 

Your life will be a lot more drama free if you focus on people's actions and behavior and not their words or stated intentions.

 

 

If people are flaky in my world, they could be banging several people, or not... It doesn't matter in my world. I just ditch the flakers. Not that complicated.

[clevelander321]

Ok, so another bizarre twist..

 

After our date that lasted about 20 hours, she kept asking my schedule, and we made plans to hang out this weekend..

 

I gave her a quick call last Sunday and left a message.. She never called back..

 

I then called Tuesday to finalize our plans, and this is what she did..

 

I called and she did not answer.. So I just left a short message, 'hey, it's joe, call me back"

 

About 2 minutes later she calls and says "Hi, I just got a call from this number. Who is this?"

 

Now, she knows my number, has caller ID, I left a message, and even when she calls me back does not recognize my voice??

 

So we talked for a little and she said she was feeding her daughter, if she could call me right back.. I said sure, no problem.. Then she never called again..

 

is this some extended version of "hard to get", just bizarre? or absolutely no interest? Just a few days earlier she was asking to be my girlfriend and asking when we could vacation together..

[elaine567]

She made it clear at least 5 times she wants to see me again, anytime, but she does not call guys, so I have to call.

 

She did say you had to call her and she was not going to call you.

 

Is there any possibility that she is seeing someone else, or she is on drugs (sleepy, confused) or she is hiding her love life from say her friends or even her ex or his parents (she has a child) who were there when you call. Have you seen where she lives, do you know her circumstances, who she lives with?

[clevelander321]

She did say you had to call her and she was not going to call you.

 

Is there any possibility that she is seeing someone else, or she is on drugs (sleepy, confused) or she is hiding her love life from say her friends or even her ex or his parents (she has a child) who were there when you call. Have you seen where she lives, do you know her circumstances, who she lives with?

 

The number i am calling is her landline, and she lives with her parents. She moved back home after her break up. I have been to her house a couple of times..She might be seeing someone else, as that is always possible, but they would not be with her at her parents house.

 

She says does not call guys, but i called Sunday with no return call, and then this Tuesday where she got off the phone in like 30 seconds and said she would call back but never did..So it seems pointless for me to keep calling at this point..At least i am thinking..

Edited February 13, 2015 by clevelander321

[clevelander321]

An update..

 

After her not calling me back on Tuesday I decide not to talk to her anymore..So I do not call..

 

She then calls me Friday night, asking what the status of our relationship is, because she likes me more than just being a FWB.. Friday night at 830.. She wants to see me..

 

So we go to the movies, and are together non stop until Monday am..

 

During this time she tells me she is in love with me numerous times, and does not call me back because she is scared. Scared of falling in love..

 

I drop her off on Monday, and give her a quick call Wednesday to see how she is.. No answer and no call back again.. this must be the oddest relationship I have ever started.. What is this?

[barcode88]

Sounds like she just wants to get plowed hard.