How often should we be talking after 3 dates?

[kumar123]

I've known this guy for a month and have been on 3 dates with him. We met at a holiday party. Two of these dates lasted for 12 hours (no sex or anything yet). I'm not upset by the lack of seeing each other since we met during the holidays, we also are very social/busy people. For instance, I'm completely gone this coming weekend and his Mom is visiting him from another country so he'll be busy taking her out/showing him around. We get along really well and during the last date he said he really liked me and felt we connected in all sorts of ways.

 

My issue is this is the first time I've ever taken so long to see someone. When we see each other, there is progression but we barely talk in between. He's called me a couple of times and we send the occasional text every few days (I hate texting so I'm happy for the lack of texts).

 

So I'm not sure what to do or expect now. Our last date was great and he seemed really happy, texted me the next day and the day after... BUT I have no idea when we'll see each other. This weekend I'm gone, next weekend he's going on holiday with his Mom for 4 days, and it might be 3 weeks till we see each other. She's also staying with him as well... and she'll be visiting him for a whole month!

 

But we barely communicate in between the dates. He has called me a couple of times... but what should we be doing? What is normal after the third date? Should I be trying to establish some type of habit where we call each other a few times a week? I'd love anyone's input since I'm very confused on how to proceed.

 

Normally I'd go with the flow but since we both won't be able to see each other for at least 2-3 weeks... it really disrupts the flow.

 

Also can relationships come out of this? Any stories of people where the momentum of the relationship took off after 2-3 months. This is just such bad timing.

[Leigh 87]

I recently dated a guy who was a non texter and who never previously bothered texting and calling women he dated on a daily basis.

 

When we met he was really into me and he initiated at least one text and/or phone call daily.

 

If someone is excited about meeting you and you are on their mind a lot, they will text or call you at least once every day or once every two days max!

 

Even non texters will text and call when they meet someone who knocks their socks off.

[kumar123]

I recently dated a guy who was a non texter and who never previously bothered texting and calling women he dated on a daily basis.

 

When we met he was really into me and he initiated at least one text and/or phone call daily.

 

If someone is excited about meeting you and you are on their mind a lot, they will text or call you at least once every day or once every two days max!

 

Even non texters will text and call when they meet someone who knocks their socks off.

 

Thanks for your input but I disagree. Everyone is different. I LIKE that this guy doesn't text me everyday. I think it's invasive when a guy texts every day and I feel the conversation can get boring over time. That's just me and what works for ME. There is currently NO ISSUE with the amount we communicate during the week. I'm not asking if he likes me.

 

My concern is progressing the connection. I've been happy waiting for a date and progressing but 2-3 weeks for the next date is too long... meaning that maybe we should be calling each other more often during the week. I just want an idea of what's normal. I know he's into me and likes me, that's not an issue. I think I'm more concerned about the level at which we talk and communicate to move forward considering we aren't having another date for awhile.

[Leigh 87]

Well once every two to three weeks indicates that he is pretty lukewarm about you.

 

You want the honest truth I am telling you based on my vast experience with dating men, men of all types and men of all back grounds!

 

I was in a long distance relationship and even him and I discussed that we would see each other once every two weeks or so and we live on other sides of the country!

 

Men are simple. If he wants to see you badly enough, he will pick up the phone and he will ask you when you could like to see him next. He will arrange to see you if he wants to see you.

 

Once every two to three weeks is okay if a person is genuinely an extreme introvert!

 

Only a very small portion of men would be okay with keeping dates to once every 2 - 3 weeks, if they were really into a girl!

 

It is okay though, I am sure you will just seek more advice and figure out a way nudge him into seeing you more.

[todreaminblue]

i think ultimately if you are honest and open with what you both like then you develop a communication style that is unique to your relationship...some people are not big talkers...says nothing on how they can feel for another or how deep their emotions are.....i wish you well ....deb

[kumar123]

Thank you. He did call me tonight and we talked for maybe 15 minutes, but he seemed tired and was just calling to see how I was... I didn't feel it was the right moment to ask him about how often we should call/text. I'm still in the nervous stage of talking to him.

 

Should I be considering calling him or letting him initiate more (I have only initiated ONE message since we began dating)? I did tell him I would send him some pictures from my trip but that won't be till next Sunday, and his Mom is flying in Friday so not sure when I should initiate calling/texting or if I'm just thinking too hard about this.

[Gaeta]

What is normal is very specific to each person.

 

I like touching base on daily basis especially if we don't see each other that often. That is my normal. If a man would only contact me a couple of times a week I would lose interest fast. I am not going to get to know someone and connect with him if our communication are rare and inconsistent.

[Gaeta]

I should initiate calling/texting or if I'm just thinking too hard about this.

 

Yes you should initiate more contact. After 3 dates there is no more who calls first. You are both responsible to nourish this relationship to the next level, not just him.

[Art_Critic]

IMO, as long as he hasn't gone silent then all is good...

 

He is probably listening to some guy on a web forum telling him not to text too much and make her wait..

 

Go on a couple of more dates and see if he starts chasing you and drops the game some.

[kumar123]

Yes you should initiate more contact. After 3 dates there is no more who calls first. You are both responsible to nourish this relationship to the next level, not just him.

 

Our dates are very long so I feel like we've definitely gotten to know each other better. Our conversations tend to be on the heavy/emotional side after a certain time so that helps.

 

Do you think it's fine to start with texting and go from there? His Mom is staying at this place, so I feel a bit intrusive calling when she's there. He does consistently call me so that's good he's not going silent.

 

Thanks everyone. There's so much conflicting advice out there... and I'm worried about coming off as needy or desperate but don't want to push this guy away if he's tired of making all the moves.

[carhill]

My observations:

 

You're both busy/social people apparently with numerous other commitments on your respective plates. He is hosting his mother for a month.

 

You've had substantial dates; 12 hours long was mentioned. That's more than a typical full day. You've had three dates over the last month, so a bit less than one a week.

 

You've had contact between dates, though apparently not of the standard of frequency you desire.

 

Our last date was great and he seemed really happy, texted me the next day and the day after... BUT I have no idea when we'll see each other

 

OK, in your post, you outlined when you WON'T be seeing each other; your desire is to know when you'll be seeing each other. Is it inappropriate in your culture for a woman to initiate such a conversation? Plan a date? I ask because you've already outlined how much the man apparently enjoys your company, to the extent he spends a whole day with you and expresses words about having a connection and really liking you. To me, this is shooting fish in a barrel; simply express that you'd love to see him again and provide options and get his feedback. Yes, I know it means calling him, the guy who spends 12 hours with you and says he really likes you. It's risky, I know. Sometimes life requires taking a risk. It all depends how much you want the reward and how much you're willing to buck tradition, if your culture frowns upon such actions by women.

 

My advice is to keep showing up, or keep making noises about showing up, until someone says no, either you or him. That could mean tomorrow or never. It's unknown. Yep, it requires communication, from both parties. It's impossible to control others so.....there ya go. Good luck!

[kumar123]

Thanks I will try to that next week... as this week is completely full for us. Please keep in mind this is a good thing. I think we are both looking for someone who lives independently, has fun, and does their own things. It's great we both have our own social lives, friends and do adventurous things since it shows we both like the same activities and we both have discussed wanting someone to complement our lifestyles.

 

I am a westerner, so it's not uncommon for me to ask a guy out. I've done it before, however, the last guy I stupidly and unintentionally chased him... and turned him off to me completely, killing the attraction. I did that by calling and texting him more frequently, and asking him to hang out.

 

However, this guy I've taken it to the opposite extreme. He tells me how much I like him, and I simply didn't respond. I responded by having a passionate make out session with him, but didn't tell him I liked him in return. And outside of one text, I just don't initiate any calls/texts. I'd like to see him more but am worried I'll look desperate or needy. Is there any subtle way to do this?

 

I'm going snorkeling this weekend so was going to send him pictures of my trip. I could say in the text something like "Hope you are having a great time with your family. See and talk soon" Or is that too subtle?

[PegNosePete]

When you next see him, why not ask him why he doesn't communicate very much, and let him know (in a nice way) that you'd like more?

 

Maybe he doesn't know your preferences. Guys are not mind-readers.

[Gaeta]

Thanks I will try to that next week... as this week is completely full for us. Please keep in mind this is a good thing. I think we are both looking for someone who lives independently, has fun, and does their own things. It's great we both have our own social lives, friends and do adventurous things since it shows we both like the same activities and we both have discussed wanting someone to complement our lifestyles.

 

That is pretty nice but it does not mean you are ok with spending days without contacts. Super busy people find time to touch base with people they like.

 

I am a westerner, so it's not uncommon for me to ask a guy out. I've done it before, however, the last guy I stupidly and unintentionally chased him... and turned him off to me completely, killing the attraction. I did that by calling and texting him more frequently, and asking him to hang out.

 

What do you mean more frequently? If you saturated his phone with non stop texting yes I can see where you chased him away but if you just made more contact with him and he bailed it's only because he was not into you as much as you were into him.

 

However, this guy I've taken it to the opposite extreme. He tells me how much I like him, and I simply didn't respond. I responded by having a passionate make out session with him, but didn't tell him I liked him in return. And outside of one text, I just don't initiate any calls/texts.

 

That is dangerous. By wanting to 'not chase him' you are almost sending the message he's not on your mind that much. You've had 3 super long dates and you only inititated contact once! ouch!

 

I'd like to see him more but am worried I'll look desperate or needy. Is there any subtle way to do this?.

 

I tell my daughter this all the time. There is a difference between normal relationships needs and clignyness. It's normal after a while to want to escalate communication and dates. I suggest you show him what you like by example. Initiate more communication.

 

I'm going snorkeling this weekend so was going to send him pictures of my trip. I could say in the text something like "Hope you are having a great time with your family. See and talk soon" Or is that too subtle?

 

I personally hate these types of text that does not require a reply. Put a question mark after 'hope you are having a great time with your family'. It shows you are interested in hearing from him. Without the question mark it's like you don't care if you hear back from him or not.