reconcile Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 To original poster: As far as her leaving for no reason or for no other person, i would try to think about her codependency level. If she is highly-codependent, she likely left for another. Believe me, you would truly be the last to know most likely when it comes to these things and likely won't believe it even then. But if she is codependent and had something going with someone else, that person made have told her that he would only take her on if she made a clean break with you first and only when you are totally out of the picture. If this person were married or even dating other people, maybe he left her in limbo, which is why she may be giving you mixed signals as he is unavailable to her. All of this I write happens so much. I wouldn't say 'never' about anything being possible. I don't say this to make it worse, but to say that if you should reconcile, it would important to know ALL reasons for her departure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author darv Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 reconcile, I honestly don't feel that there is anyone else, though I could be wrong. As for her being codependent, she really isn't. If anyone is codependent, it would be me. Maybe that's what makes this so hard for me to take. Link to post Share on other sites
Author darv Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 Just had another breakdown, they've become so regular I could almost set my clock to them. My first divorce didn't hurt like this at all. Maybe because that one was my decision. But it involved 3 kids, no kids in this divorce, but it feels like I'm losing my soul. I wish I knew when the pain would stop, I'd just crawl in bed and not get out till it's over... Link to post Share on other sites
Author darv Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 And after only 4 days of NC, she just called me. I'm a freakin wreck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author darv Posted January 28, 2015 Author Share Posted January 28, 2015 So a friend of mine stops by yesterday...his wife left him about the same time mine left me. Only difference is HE'S HAPPY! Where's my happiness? Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 So a friend of mine stops by yesterday...his wife left him about the same time mine left me. Only difference is HE'S HAPPY! Where's my happiness? One thing I've learned is don't compare yourself to others and expect things to be the same. Everyone is different. And while many of us on these boards are experiencing similar things and offer good advice, we are all going through our own things, and they are all different. Your friend may have been miserable before and just waiting to escape. Sometimes that happens. But he likely will have a crash at some point, too. You said she called yesterday. What came of that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author darv Posted January 28, 2015 Author Share Posted January 28, 2015 One thing I've learned is don't compare yourself to others and expect things to be the same. Everyone is different. And while many of us on these boards are experiencing similar things and offer good advice, we are all going through our own things, and they are all different. Your friend may have been miserable before and just waiting to escape. Sometimes that happens. But he likely will have a crash at some point, too. You said she called yesterday. What came of that? Nothing really. I suppose she called to see if I was still among the living. At the moment, it was so nice to hear her voice, but as soon as the conversation was over, I fell to pieces. Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 Nothing really. I suppose she called to see if I was still among the living. At the moment, it was so nice to hear her voice, but as soon as the conversation was over, I fell to pieces. This is why I think it's so important for someone in your shoes to stick to NC for the long term. I am in your shoes (wife left out of the blue with no warning, no real reasons, just excuses), and without NC I would be a wreck every day and my head would be swimming in "what ifs." At least with NC, I have a good deal of peace to figure things out, concentrate on myself and heal. For your own sanity, I think you need to cut all ties and accept nothing less that either NC or full-on reconciliation. Nothing in between. Link to post Share on other sites
Author darv Posted January 28, 2015 Author Share Posted January 28, 2015 I guess my biggest fear about going full NC is that we'll never have a chance to reconcile. I know it's foolish, but I still cling to that last thread of hope that she'll realize her mistake and come back. There was no abuse or infidelity in our marriage, and to me, those would be the only deal breakers. Everything else can be worked out, in my opinion. But if I go NC, I'm afraid that would send the message that I'm not interested in having her back. I hope this makes sense to somebody besides myself....or maybe I really am that screwed up... Link to post Share on other sites
Author darv Posted January 28, 2015 Author Share Posted January 28, 2015 Believe me, there have been moments where I wanted to tell her to "embrace me or erase me", but I don't want to force that decision on her yet because I don't feel that it's over. I'm the guy that refuses to give up on what I believe in, and I believe in my wedding vows. Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 I guess my biggest fear about going full NC is that we'll never have a chance to reconcile. I know it's foolish, but I still cling to that last thread of hope that she'll realize her mistake and come back. There was no abuse or infidelity in our marriage, and to me, those would be the only deal breakers. Everything else can be worked out, in my opinion. But if I go NC, I'm afraid that would send the message that I'm not interested in having her back. I hope this makes sense to somebody besides myself....or maybe I really am that screwed up... Believe me, I understand your feelings because I have had them myself. The important thing to remember, though, is that the ONLY chance you have to reconcile is if SHE wants to. You cannot do that on your own, and you cannot try to convince her that she's wrong. It's a fool's errand to try. You'll only hurt yourself, especially early on. Always remember - the ONLY thing you can control is YOU. The mistake some dumpees make is thinking that they can talk their way back into the dumper's heart. That is not a recipe for success, only heartbreak. So, yes, you may have a chance to reconcile. But staying in touch with her isn't going to make that happen. It's only going to prolong your agony. Your only hope for sanity right now is NC. Trust me - you are me two months ago. I know what I am talking about. Link to post Share on other sites
Author darv Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 This is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I'm pretty certain if not for my children I would have offed myself by now. Dr. has me on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, and sleeping pills...none of them are working. My nerves are shot, I haven't slept well since she left, I cry all day every day. I don't care about myself at all. I just want the pain to go away. I want to be happy. Is that too much to ask? Link to post Share on other sites
LifeNomad Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 This is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I'm pretty certain if not for my children I would have offed myself by now. Dr. has me on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, and sleeping pills...none of them are working. My nerves are shot, I haven't slept well since she left, I cry all day every day. I don't care about myself at all. I just want the pain to go away. I want to be happy. Is that too much to ask? that's how it is at first, don't worry your not the frist you wont be the last. the best thing you can do is start exercising daily, better eating habits, embrace this change man, accept it and love it. If you don't allow anything to happen because your stuck on her, then nothing will happen. Go witht he flow and roll with the punches. Bigger and better things (including women) will come along. Let the fact that shes happier this way give you happiness. It will get better man. Your tripping over a silly girl. Chin up soldier! Link to post Share on other sites
DSP Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Darv I was in your shoes 4 months ago. It gets better very slowly and every single time you contact her you take a step back. It's going to take time for this to get better you are just going to have to suffer through it and make choices. Do you want to be a better person? Do you want to be a better father? Do you want to be the best partner you can be? There is no easy way out of this layer of hell. She could have left for many reasons, but the end result is the same. She is gone. Talking to her and hoping you can resolve the issue is futile. Any spare time you have not working on yourself work on your relationship with your children. Her feeling and looking happy is because she felt the only solution to the problem was to escape. It didn't matter how she was going to do it and she made plans long ago that only she knew about. She may have confronted you about a problem and it just didn't get through to you or she may not have. In the end leaving was her solution to the problem. The best thing you can say to her is that you love(d) her and if at any point in the future she would like to go to counseling to talk openly you would be more than willing to do it. Then stop talking to her and don't ever believe she will take you up on your offer. You've stated you may be co-dependent. This is a good place to start. Why are you co-dependent? There are many good self help books out there and you should start to read them. Read only as much as you can take in. I hope you are in therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author darv Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 I know therapy would be a tremendous help, but it's not financially possible at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author darv Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 I really wish the stages of grief would take their turn & be done. Seems like I've gone through them all several times already, in no particular order...except for anger, I don't know why, but I can't seem to bring myself to be angry at her...or maybe I do know why.... Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 I really wish the stages of grief would take their turn & be done. Seems like I've gone through them all several times already, in no particular order...except for anger, I don't know why, but I can't seem to bring myself to be angry at her...or maybe I do know why.... Darv, it's going to be a long road. But it will get better. Just take care of yourself and don't be too hard on yourself. Treat yourself like your best friend, because you are. Also, calling them "stages" of grief is a bit misleading. They are more like "forms" of grief that don't really come in a nice, neat little series, but in irregular patterns, completely unpredictable, and sometimes all at once. I have gone through anger, bargaining and depression all in a period of a few hours, a good number of times over the past couple months. I do get angry, but the truth is the anger is more at myself for failing to see this coming and not being able to do anything about it. I also get angry at my wife, but that is usually fleeting because I still love her. Mostly, I just feel sorry for her. Just remember you're not alone, and keep posting here. I don't know what I would have done in the first few weeks and months without being able to vent my feelings here and get advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author darv Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 I plan on sticking around. I feel you folks are saving my life. Thank you all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ralph79 Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 If its of any help, I can tell you that my grief stage subsided once I got fed up of telling people I was fed up of being in grief. It literally made me sick to think of calling people or have people call me just to keep discussing my misery. I even stopped researching articles and forums. I literally got fed up of complaining to everyone. So keep posting man. Maybe that will help you. Each one of us copes in their own way. Whatever the case there's always someone here willing to talk you through anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author darv Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 Well, I managed to make it through the weekend with no contact. It was hard to do, but I had my kids this weekend, so every time I got the urge to call her, I just talked to my kids instead. They know what I'm going through, and while they're happy she's gone, they're also very supportive of their dad. The challenge for me will be this coming weekend when I'm home alone. I hate being lonely... Link to post Share on other sites
Author darv Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 Today is already not a good day. Greeting customers, trying to act like everything is great is killing me. All I want to do is go home and lay in bed until this is over. The hurt, the feelings of inadquacy, the loneliness....I just don't know how much more of this I can take. I can't afford counseling, and I don't really have any friends with whom I feel comfortable talking about this to. About the only person I discuss this matter with is my brother, and his advice is to "suck it up & get over it"...so much easier said than done. It feels like a part of me has died. It scares the hell out of me when I read some of the posts on here where some folks took years to get over the pain..I can't do this for years, I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel, only more darkness. I went to the doctor a month ago. He put me on anti-depressants, anxiety pills, and sleeping pills. None of it seems to be working. I cry every day, multiple times, I pray every day, multiple times. I can't get her out of my head and it just isn't fair, because I know she doesn't feel the way I do...she's perfectly happy, out partying every night, doing who knows what with who knows who while I'm stuck here in the darkest place I've ever been. She's not at all the sweet girl I fell in love with 9 years ago. I miss that girl. I'm 44 years old, not very attractive, in my opinion, I have absolutely no social life/skills....I feel like I'm destined to die alone.... Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I can't afford counseling, and I don't really have any friends with whom I feel comfortable talking about this to. About the only person I discuss this matter with is my brother, and his advice is to "suck it up & get over it"... If you can't afford counseling, try to find a divorced men's support group. Often, local churches or community centers will host them, and they are usually either free or very low cost. You will be able to talk to people who know exactly what you are going through and who aren't going to tell you to "suck it up." Google "divorce support group" and the name of your town and you'll likely find one nearby. Also, keep a journal of your feelings. When something is bothering you, write it down. Write a letter to yourself, or a poem, or just a screed if you are feeling angry. This will help you organize your feelings and express them without them boiling over. And some day you will look back on them and have a hard time remembering when things seemed so hopeless. By all means, take care of yourself. Don't hide in bed. Get out and walk around, even if it's just to get a cup of coffee. Exercise, eat right. Take control of your own thoughts. When you feel your head spiraling into negative territory, consciously stop yourself, take a deep breath, count to 10 and refocus on something positive (your kids, a new hobby, a book, your journal). Most of all, just hang in there. It really will get better with time. Link to post Share on other sites
Ralph79 Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 Today is already not a good day. Greeting customers, trying to act like everything is great is killing me. All I want to do is go home and lay in bed until this is over. The hurt, the feelings of inadquacy, the loneliness....I just don't know how much more of this I can take. I can't afford counseling, and I don't really have any friends with whom I feel comfortable talking about this to. About the only person I discuss this matter with is my brother, and his advice is to "suck it up & get over it"...so much easier said than done. It feels like a part of me has died. It scares the hell out of me when I read some of the posts on here where some folks took years to get over the pain..I can't do this for years, I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel, only more darkness. I went to the doctor a month ago. He put me on anti-depressants, anxiety pills, and sleeping pills. None of it seems to be working. I cry every day, multiple times, I pray every day, multiple times. I can't get her out of my head and it just isn't fair, because I know she doesn't feel the way I do...she's perfectly happy, out partying every night, doing who knows what with who knows who while I'm stuck here in the darkest place I've ever been. She's not at all the sweet girl I fell in love with 9 years ago. I miss that girl. I'm 44 years old, not very attractive, in my opinion, I have absolutely no social life/skills....I feel like I'm destined to die alone.... There is some really great inspirational material online you can find. It's a matter of wanting to get better. That is the hardest step. Things will get better. There came a point where I thought death was better than the hell I was going through, and while I can't say that life is all roses and rainbows, I was unable to see all the positives in the state of mind I was in. You feel like this, because you WANT to feel like this. You NEED to feel like this. You will get tired of it at some point. Trust me. You'll start focusing on things you will want instead of this misery and will slowly ditch the gloomy shell you're tucked into right now. Watch this 7:00 min clip on controlling your state of mind: Link to post Share on other sites
Author darv Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 I really am tired of feeling like this! I'm tired of all the crying, the hurt, the loneliness.... I watched the Tony Robbins video, the man makes sense. B ut I have such a hard time right now focusing on anything but her. Not that I want to, but it seems like every spare moment I have to think about anything, it's her. Maybe my misery just won't let me go anywhere else right now, maybe I'm supposed to grieve a while more, I don't know.I do know that posting on here helps, and it's giving me the tools I need to use...as soon as I'm ready to use them. I really do appreciate the support and feedback that's been offered to me here, and I sincerely hope you'll all be here wih me when I finally make it to the other side of this storm that is my life right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Ralph79 Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 Maybe describing in detail what comes to mind when you can't stop thinking of her might help you get her off your mind once your done with your post. Start having some discipline too. Force yourself to have 30 min interval where you don't think of her at first. Make those 30 min. DARV time , then keep expanding on that. I realize you probably don't feel like doing anything other than your obligations to survive, so all those tips about going out for a walk, doing exercise, yoga and stuff will probably go untested but Do you have any hobbies that require little money or effort? like - Solving a 10,000 piece puzzle - App games on your phone - Sports fantasy leagues - Start a book about your life - MMO's - Watching a TV marathon or something with your daughter Start off with something that won't demand much effort on your part and take baby steps towards paying more attention to yourself. The problem I see is that while you may feel tired of being sad, crying and feeling hurt, you are obviously not tired of thinking of her yet. Nobody is putting thoughts in your mind but you. Thinking of her comes at a price. Pain. And you are still willing to pay that price, despite your claims otherwise. Do a better job at distracting yourself with things to stop thinking of her. Remove things in your surroundings that you know are going to make you think of her. I wasn't ready to do that for a while. It wasn't until I made a conscious effort to move on and forget about her, that I really began feeling better. I understand though, you might not be ready to let go. That was the source of my pain. Until I let go, I began feeling better. Link to post Share on other sites
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