Should I propose to my ex who I truly love?

[elaine567]

I would have never cheated ever, that is just not who I am. Although I can see why she thought this, but genuinely I'd be on the computer late at night because I just wouldn't be tired, so just be browsing the web really.

I am so hurt by this whole thing I feel I'm having a mental breakdown over it. Though yes she should have had a proper talk to me before doing anything major, we are both to blame for the downfall, but I am the bigger part to blame by not having showed her what she means to me and let her down on many occasions, but never with intent. I love this girl, she always said 'you know I'd say yes if you asked me to marry you right' but I'd always brush it away jokingly, I just wish I'd asked her earlier. We were truly amazing together and absolutely meant for each other but I let her down way too much and she decided that I must not love her, so I assume started deciding to look elsewhere. I'm not even sure where she'd have met this guy, she never went out at all really, all the people at her work are female. I'd just assume it's someone she's know for a while and started texting out of the blue one day when she was feeling lonely.

 

I think you are correct, you had all the opportunities to take this forward, but you chose to brush her aside and take her for granted. After 5 years, she said enough is enough and moved out and has now moved on.

I think you have to put this down to experience.

I very much doubt if she would want to put her heart through the wringer again with you. Sorry.

 

You will hurt for a while and then one day you will not hurt so much and then you will start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

It is very hard, but like most of us on here, you will get through it.

[BC1980]

She probably projected her cheating onto you. It's not an uncommon thing to do.

[elaine567]

I do not believe she cheated.

I do believe she clocked out of the relationship months ago and so she was ready to move on to someone else almost as soon as she actually physically left.

She being the dumper had it all sorted out in her head before she left, she had made her decision, whereas the dumpee is all at sea, as it is all so unexpected.

 

Women do that, they know it isn't working, they try, they eventually give up, but they still may have some hope, some feelings, some pity even in the last few months, but finally they listen to their head not their heart and just go, knowing they have made the right decsion.

If a person KNOWS for certain they do not want to ever go back, then it is easy to move onto someone else.

[kendahke]

No. Don't propose.

 

Instead, spend some time looking into why it was ok for you to treat her the way you did for as long as you did and thought she should have been happy and content with that treatment.

 

Right now you want what you can't have. That's it. You've not done any kind of work on yourself to pull out by the roots the motivations you had for proceeding the way in which you did.

 

Marriage isn't going to fix this situation. It'll be the same thing all over again, except for the state has been brought into the matter. The fact that you listened to her desperately want marriage to you and you dismissed her only to open up a can of "act right" when she moved in with her mom says that marriage is not the answer here. She was not happy with you; the relationship itself wasn't enough for her. Marriage should have been the icing on this cake that is your relationship, not the batter for the cake.

 

You were doing everything a person could do to convey to them in no uncertain terms that they didn't mean diddly squat to you. You ignored her to go do whatever you wanted; you didn't pay her any attention but you squandered it all on a video game. You're not in a place to be a proper husband if this is how you treat women. You probably need to be single for a while longer til these things don't thrill you any more. You're not there yet--and her leaving isn't an indication that you're there. It just says you're put out because you're inconvenienced by her absence.

 

Get your head and your heart straightened out first. You cannot be any good to her or any woman in the condition you're in now.

[Eagle50956]

I'm just hoping that somehow I can manage to get her alone and speak to her for an hour or 2 again, just tell her my true feelings, how deeply deeply sorry I really am for it going this far and I agree with her that things have gone too far, they've gone way too far, but I know given a second chance I'd truly change for the better, I was so looking forward to marriage and kids we'd discussed but she felt she was pushing me into it and I know how badly she wanted it. This was never supposed to happen between the 2 of us.

I think part of the reason I let her down was my longest relationship apart from this was 6 months, I gave that girl everything like stupidly would even by her fags, she ended up cheating so I told her where to go, perhaps this has affected my long term relationship with this woman, maybe I thought if I constantly buy her stuff etc she'd do the same to me, well it appears she has ended up basically doing it as I never done anywhere near enough for her and telling her what she truly meant. All I know is I'd really give anything for her back in my life, although it's come to this and my head says just try and move forward my heart says she really is my perfect lady so don't let her go whatever the price and do all it takes to get her back.

[CALOVELY]

I'm just hoping that somehow I can manage to get her alone and speak to her for an hour or 2 again, just tell her my true feelings, how deeply deeply sorry I really am for it going this far and I agree with her that things have gone too far, they've gone way too far, but I know given a second chance I'd truly change for the better, I was so looking forward to marriage and kids we'd discussed but she felt she was pushing me into it and I know how badly she wanted it. This was never supposed to happen between the 2 of us.

I think part of the reason I let her down was my longest relationship apart from this was 6 months, I gave that girl everything like stupidly would even by her fags, she ended up cheating so I told her where to go, perhaps this has affected my long term relationship with this woman, maybe I thought if I constantly buy her stuff etc she'd do the same to me, well it appears she has ended up basically doing it as I never done anywhere near enough for her and telling her what she truly meant. All I know is I'd really give anything for her back in my life, although it's come to this and my head says just try and move forward my heart says she really is my perfect lady so don't let her go whatever the price and do all it takes to get her back.

 

To her, she gave you plenty of chances and she is done doing so. It is a painful lesson to realize after the fact what you could have done differently. I too have been in your position and all you can do is move forward and behave differently in your next relationship.

[towardthefuture]

I'm just hoping that somehow I can manage to get her alone and speak to her for an hour or 2 again, just tell her my true feelings, how deeply deeply sorry I really am for it going this far and I agree with her that things have gone too far, they've gone way too far, but I know given a second chance I'd truly change for the better, I was so looking forward to marriage and kids we'd discussed but she felt she was pushing me into it and I know how badly she wanted it. This was never supposed to happen between the 2 of us.

I think part of the reason I let her down was my longest relationship apart from this was 6 months, I gave that girl everything like stupidly would even by her fags, she ended up cheating so I told her where to go, perhaps this has affected my long term relationship with this woman, maybe I thought if I constantly buy her stuff etc she'd do the same to me, well it appears she has ended up basically doing it as I never done anywhere near enough for her and telling her what she truly meant. All I know is I'd really give anything for her back in my life, although it's come to this and my head says just try and move forward my heart says she really is my perfect lady so don't let her go whatever the price and do all it takes to get her back.

 

Don't try to get her alone. You're on your way to getting yourself a restraining order with that attitude. If you want even a small chance at having her back, do not contact her in any way shape or form. Stop being clingy and desperate. Right now you are going through a real physiological process that is very similar to withdrawal from a hard drug. A lot of your 'I would do anything to show her I truly love her' is chemical -- the same as 'I would suck ten dicks for just one hit of heroin'. You need to go without any stimulus from her until you're out of the weeds on this thing -- only then will you know if you truly love her. This also has two added benefits: 1) she may finally start to miss you and eventually contact you; and 2) you will not be a clingy, desperate chaser if she contacts you.

[erklat]

Forgot to add that the woman I'm having a baby with was also proposed in

similar manner to rescue the failing relationship. She is divorced now.

 

Just saying.

[kendahke]

I'm just hoping that somehow I can manage to get her alone and speak to her for an hour or 2 again, just tell her my true feelings, how deeply deeply sorry I really am for it going this far and I agree with her that things have gone too far, they've gone way too far, but I know given a second chance I'd truly change for the better.

 

There is a real thing called "too little, too late", and she would be a fool to give you a second chance without you not having done any kind of emotional work on yourself. You are only inconvenienced by her not being there. That's all.

 

You had years to tell her this when she was laying right next to you in bed. You had her undivided attention. You chose to ignore her and play video games.

 

As I said, the only reason why you're this thirsty now is because she left you to be free to hang with your mates and play video games all night long. You should be happy you got what your actions have been telling her you wanted. For years.

[HurtGator]

Do NOT propose to her. You would be doing it for all the wrong reasons.

 

She told you she wasn't in love with you anymore; she even has a new boyfriend. She may not have cheated on you, but relationships don't form out of thin air. She was definitely talking to this guy, and assessing their potential together. And it all added up to the point where now she's with him.

 

You proposing to her will change none of the above. It will, however, humiliate you and crush you further when she rejects you.

 

If I were you, I would stop communicating with her completely.

 

She, at the very least, emotionally cheated on him.

[Eagle50956]

There is a real thing called "too little, too late", and she would be a fool to give you a second chance without you not having done any kind of emotional work on yourself. You are only inconvenienced by her not being there. That's all.

 

You had years to tell her this when she was laying right next to you in bed. You had her undivided attention. You chose to ignore her and play video games.

 

As I said, the only reason why you're this thirsty now is because she left you to be free to hang with your mates and play video games all night long. You should be happy you got what your actions have been telling her you wanted. For years.

 

I know I know, but I'd truly be different given a second chance, of course I would, I never wanted to lose her. I'm such a massive idiot to let her go, although why she didn't just say 'look there's a huge problem between us, I feel....' Instead she just basically left, yeah she may have been hinting like mad but I just thought she was a little grumpy at times never really taking her serious, I was just so god damn naive believeing we'd never split up, maybe acting like an old married couple at times. I believe the fact that both our siblings who are younger each have 2 young families and she's wanted it for years has also doubted her and she desperately wanted this and so do I, I was so looking forward to it but never really showed her this.

I never played video games all the time and went out with mates, when I was on the computer I mean I was just browsing all the time as I was not tired late at night, although at times she must have thought I was up to something else. I never went out with mates as basically gave them up when we met to spend time with her constantly, I spent way too much time with my family and she spent a lot of time with hers, she thinks this was coz we were drifting apart and didn't want to spend time together, in my eyes not true, it's just if she wanted to spend a day with her mum I never said she shouldn't, just let her do it to save an argument even if I felt she should spend it with me and I was often back late from my family as used to get carried away and never be back on time, never with intent though.

Was wondering whether I should send a massive bunch of roses to her at work with a nice message attached.

[Ebelskiver]

Leave her be! You won't change. Not for the long haul. Things will be great for a few weeks or months and then you will take her for granted again. It's the nature of the beast.

 

I don't believe she cheated. When someone has been neglected for a long time, the first guy who is really nice to them seems like a miracle. This is probably what happened with her. She may have met him before the breakup, but I wouldn't label it an emotional affair. IF she met him before, then she broke up with you to be with him, which is appropriate considering the way she was treated.

[BC1980]

I know I know, but I'd truly be different given a second chance, of course I would, I never wanted to lose her. I'm such a massive idiot to let her go, although why she didn't just say 'look there's a huge problem between us, I feel....' Instead she just basically left, yeah she may have been hinting like mad but I just thought she was a little grumpy at times never really taking her serious, I was just so god damn naive believeing we'd never split up, maybe acting like an old married couple at times. I believe the fact that both our siblings who are younger each have 2 young families and she's wanted it for years has also doubted her and she desperately wanted this and so do I, I was so looking forward to it but never really showed her this.

I never played video games all the time and went out with mates, when I was on the computer I mean I was just browsing all the time as I was not tired late at night, although at times she must have thought I was up to something else. I never went out with mates as basically gave them up when we met to spend time with her constantly, I spent way too much time with my family and she spent a lot of time with hers, she thinks this was coz we were drifting apart and didn't want to spend time together, in my eyes not true, it's just if she wanted to spend a day with her mum I never said she shouldn't, just let her do it to save an argument even if I felt she should spend it with me and I was often back late from my family as used to get carried away and never be back on time, never with intent though.

Was wondering whether I should send a massive bunch of roses to her at work with a nice message attached.

 

I'm going to tell you something that's harsh, and you aren't going to like it. But I think you need to understand that she does not care if you would change the second time around. At this point, she has mentally checked out and could care less if you might change. She has known you for 5 years, so she has already formed an opinion of you that would be very difficult to change. I know that it's heartbreaking and difficult to even comprehend that she doesn't care at this point, but I really think you need to try to understand that if you are going to move on.

 

Also, you need to get out of the mindset of entirely blaming yourself. Usually, it's not just one person. Both people are usually at fault, and the end result is that the relationship just couldn't progress. I would not advise proposing to her. You need to make the decision to propose from an emotionally stable place, and you are not at that point by a long shot.

[Eagle50956]

Been thinking perhaps I should just do something a little out there and offer to take her on our dream holiday we'd always talked about to the Maldives, maybe just say if she still doesn't feel anything after a week together to just leave it as that.

[mightycpa]

My friend, humiliation and neediness are two of the lowest forms of currency. You think you're rich, but you'll find that they don't buy you anything. In fact, whenever you try to spend them, they put you in debt, leaving you worse off than when you started.

 

You're much better off if you try to earn some self-respect and self-love. Those are two very strong currencies. They are universally accepted, and are of high value worldwide. Only those who trade in these currencies get the things they truly want.

[elaine567]

Been thinking perhaps I should just do something a little out there and offer to take her on our dream holiday we'd always talked about to the Maldives, maybe just say if she still doesn't feel anything after a week together to just leave it as that.

 

^^^this^^^^

 

NO.