rester Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 That's a very rigid, black and white way to justify being alone as necessary to be a better partner or person with others in friendships or romantic relationships. I don't think life works that way. I mean, self help empires have been built on the premise of being happy alone, so I can see why a lot of people believe that you have to be happy alone before you can be considered valuable to another person. But I just don't buy that. I believe that we can learn from, be valued by, and appreciated and loved by other people because the one thing that is universally true, is that we all seek out and need connections with other people to be happy. In the context of this thread being "happy alone" doesn't equal being "happy and completely isolated from all connections with other humans". The OP is making it sound like its impossible to be happy without an intimate partner. That, I disagree with completely. Think of college/university students. They have a very large, close community and most (that I knew, anyway) actively choose to be single. They're single, but not alone by any means. Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Oh you're right. I was merely trying to illustrate, in very basic, summary, bullet-point statements, why his statement - wasn't necessarily correct. I was trying to indicate that someone who is already contented, serene and happy with their lives PRIOR to the relationship, can bounce back more quickly, and can also find joy in a relationship while it lasts. Ah, ok thanks for clarifying. Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 In the context of this thread being "happy alone" doesn't equal being "happy and completely isolated from all connections with other humans". The OP is making it sound like its impossible to be happy without an intimate partner. That, I disagree with completely. Think of college/university students. They have a very large, close community and most (that I knew, anyway) actively choose to be single. They're single, but not alone by any means. Doesn't it though? Being happy alone, infers that you are isolated and alienated from all connections with other human beings. If the OP believes that it's impossible to be happy without a partner, well, I guess I'd agree with the OP. If you are totally alone i.e. no connections, then it's unrealistic to claim that you can be happy. That Barbara Streisand song comes to mind: People, People who need people, Are the luckiest people in the world We're children, needing other children And yet letting a grown-up pride Hide all the need inside Acting more like children than children Lovers are very special people They're the luckiest people in the world With one person one very special person A feeling deep in your soul Says you were half now you're whole No more hunger and thirst But first be a person who needs people People who need people Are the luckiest people in the world With one person one very special person No more hunger and thirst But first be a person who needs people People who need people Are the luckiest people in the world I love this song because it talks about how people buy into that American individualism propaganda that you can be happy alone when that's just not true. No one who is alone is happy. If you have a social life where you spend time with your friends (even if you're single and not dating) you are not technically "alone." The song states that it's perfectly normal to need that social connection, and that it's adult pride that prevents people from seeking that connection, "I don't need a relationship in my life to be happy. I'm happy by myself." Bull! You have friends, coworkers, and family so you're not alone. If you go to a movie alone, take a cooking class alone, or jog around a lake -- you're surrounded by other people so you're not alone. That's why that statement about being happy alone is such a misguided, loaded statement to me because it's nowhere near true. Even Tom Hanks character in the movie "Castaway" wasn't happy being alone, because he created a persona for the Wilson volleyball that washed up on shore from the plane crash...so he wouldn't be alone! Do you think he was on that island thinking, "I'm all alone and happy with myself." His character referenced a suicide attempt that failed because the rope was too long. People who need people...are the happiest people in the world. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 It's not really about being HAPPY ALONE. It's more like, "wow, I am really in a good place in my life, my work is so challenging in a good way and I'm having a great time skiing with my friends this winter. Volunteering at the shelter is rewarding. All that's missing is that special someone! I hope I will meet him soon!" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Originally Posted by writergal If the OP believes that it's impossible to be happy without a partner, well, I guess I'd agree with the OP. If you are totally alone i.e. no connections, then it's unrealistic to claim that you can be happy. I think, writergal, it may be helpful to review the first post in this thread.... That wasn't his original premise. His original premise is that he does not believe that it's better to KNOW how to be happy alone, before finding a partner. Read the post: We hear it all the time. "You have to be happy and content by yourself before you can be happy with someone else". Or, "a relationship shouldn't complete your life, only enhance your life". What the....???? If people could be perfectly content by themselves, then nobody would enter into relationships. There wouldn't be any incentive; only liability. So stop telling people that are depressed due to failing with women (or men) that they have to be happy by themselves first. Few people in society are, unless they're Buddhist monks or something. It is terrible advice, and often hypocritical of the person giving this advice. Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 I think, writergal, it may be helpful to review the first post in this thread.... That wasn't his original premise. His original premise is that he does not believe that it's better to KNOW how to be happy alone, before finding a partner. Read the post: I did read the OP, and my posts were on topic in response to the OP. I agreed with him, that you don't have to know how to be happy alone before you find someone to be in a relationship with. My posts explain why I don't believe in that whole concept of being happy alone before you can be happy with a partner. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Oh right. Well, in that case, I will have to disagree Coming into a partnership suffering from depression, and expecting it to make you happy, is having an agenda which shouldn't be there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Being happy is a state of mind that comes from within. There are plenty of people that are happy and single, and even people that are happy in isolation. Does it take more work to be happy in isolation? Sure it does. Are people happier when they are surrounded by other people? Some are, some are not. Happiness may come easy for some, and may be much harder for others, but for those that it doesn't come easy for, I don't believe a relationship is any more than a bandaid for the problem. There are plenty of people that have wonderful partners that are still miserable and depressed. For me personally, I enjoy having a nice community but am also happy spending three days in the mountains by myself. I put effort into my happiness and I think it's sad when people give up and think that they only have the ability to be happy with a girlfriend/boyfriend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 OK then, well here is my question: If it is bad advice, what would be your alternative advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Oh right. Well, in that case, I will have to disagree Coming into a partnership suffering from depression, and expecting it to make you happy, is having an agenda which shouldn't be there. What have you been through? Sounds just terrible. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 What have you been through? Sounds just terrible.I? I haven't been through anything... I'm merely saying the an already-depressed person isn't going to find relief from their depression in a relationship, if that's what their objective is. Link to post Share on other sites
MrNate 2.0 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Ok, let's slow down just a big on the over dramatization of the 'happy alone' saying. Being happy alone simply means being happy when you're single. Heavens, it doesn't mean you're left on an isolate island all alone. When people say being happy alone, it means being able to live a full fledged life without requiring a significant other to be there. Which you should be able to do. If your happiness is based on the existence of a significant other, that means that the SO piece is so important because outside of that, there isn't much else going on in your life - which is where the problem is. Have you been anywhere recently? Any adventures? Any friends? Pursuing any passions? Experienced anything? There are a plethora of things that a SO simply can not, and never will be able to give you. Go live, my frieind. See things. Do things. You can't just lie there in misery just because you don't have someone's hand to hold. Women come and go, (there are zero guarantees in a marriage/relationship) but there's a world out there ready to give you experiences no person will. This is a primary driver of my bachelorhood at this stage in my life. The women will come. Until then, start living, my friend. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
endlessabyss Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 (edited) A personal, anecdotal story. When me and my ex split, she left me for some guy who addicted to synthetic opiates, and was talking to her about suicide. I can remember her on my porch telling me how much she cared about him. Does this sound happy? lol. It's not about being happy; it's about bonding. My ex, and her, man had something in common. They both could relate to drug problems, and had similar personalities. To be honest, they were both depressed, and needed one another to be happy. Is anyone ever fully happy when they're single or in a relationship? Look around this forum; people whine when they are single, people whine when they are dating, people whine when they have a b/f/g/f, people wine when they are married. Nothing is ever good enough for humans. There is always something missing in their lives they are always looking for; some void of depression they are trying to fill through the various, unfulfilling means that are present here on earth. The problem with America is there is too much of an emphasis on dating and sex. Most people that don't have this in their lives feel inadequate to some degree, subsequently leading to depression/moaning. I mean, I was just on espn.com earlier, and on the side of the website I'm bombarded with pictures of girls and dating site advertisements; it's quite sick/disturbing if you ask me. Maybe, just maybe, if dating and sex wasn't in the forefront of everyone's mind all the time, life would be a lot better. Happiness is a fleeting feeling that we experience sometimes through the day. No one is ever fully happy. There are people who have everything going on in their lives, and are completely miserable because they have no intimacy in their lives. I've seen people like this. Intimacy is something friends, family, and hobbies can't give you. Edited January 18, 2015 by endlessabyss 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KimmyBee Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I agree with the statement. When I went through depression I ruined so many friendships and potential relationships by being extremely needy and attention seeking. It then hit me that I was being attention seeking because I didn't feel happy from within. I think that you have more chance of a successful and long lasting relationship if there is trust and for you to trust your partner... you need to trust your judgement. You need some self esteem. Link to post Share on other sites
CripplingMe Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I think it's all down to intimacy. I could have the best network of friends, travel 5 times a year, have an amazing job and home life, yet, the one thing I would be lacking is intimacy with another person. Another observation is comparison. Some or most of our friends will be in relationships or married, and when we are within that environment of coupledom, it makes us realise what is missing depsite all other areas of life being great. I have had a small period of time in my life where I was ok with being single and wasn't actively looking for a partner. I had just started university (I was a mature student), and lived in a great houseshare. I knew I would be happ-ier if I had someone special in my life. Lo and behold after a few months, I met someone and fell madly and passiontely in love when I least expected it. We are all striving for the ideal in all areas of our life. That is alot of striving. When 5 out of th 7 areas of our life are great, we then look to the other areas and how we can encourage fulfillment there. It's called being complete. I personally prefer and want someone in my life. I love the feeling of intimacy with someone. It completely and unequivocally out-values that of the other areas of my life. Affection, kissing and sex with someone you love is a truly beautiful feeling and I would prefer that than being alone. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Z Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 The problem with America is there is too much of an emphasis on dating and sex. Most people that don't have this in their lives feel inadequate to some degree, subsequently leading to depression/moaning. I mean, I was just on espn.com earlier, and on the side of the website I'm bombarded with pictures of girls and dating site advertisements; it's quite sick/disturbing if you ask me. Maybe, just maybe, if dating and sex wasn't in the forefront of everyone's mind all the time, life would be a lot better. Been there done that. And it almost ended in my suicide. ONE NIGHT with a couple of escorts and my life was changed dramatically. I didn't realize it until the next week, but one weekend of hot sex had all but cured a five year depression. I believe the need for sex is fundamental to happiness; at least for some of us. IN FACT, I have discovered that if push comes to shove, sex is more important than love. I can live without love but living without sex for too long is intolerable. Happiness is a fleeting feeling that we experience sometimes through the day. Happiness is what I have felt every moment that I'm with my sb. I would go farther and describe the first year at total bliss. I had never known true bliss before that. No one is ever fully happy. There are people who have everything going on in their lives, and are completely miserable because they have no intimacy in their lives. I've seen people like this. Intimacy is something friends, family, and hobbies can't give you. No one can be happy all the time. But I have learned that happiness doesn't just come along. You have to make it a goal. As for intimacy, as it turns out, sex with a good friend will get you through the night. We all want love. But the need for human touch is I believe more fundamental. Link to post Share on other sites
Phoe Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 There is a quote from the movie Angel-a: "It's hard to love yourself when nobody reflects that". While this quote resonates with me a lot, and there's plenty of truth to be had in it, I disagree with the overall theme of the thread. I don't want to be with a pitiful sad sack. Nobody wants to be with me if I'M a pitiful sad sack. The feeling associated with the quote above does hit me sometimes. Feeling down on myself and feeling unwanted. Feeling like I'm not worth it to a single soul. But damnit all, I'm not perfect and there are many things I try to improve about myself, but all in all, I DO see good things in me, and maybe not a single other person sees those things or cares for those things, but those good things in me do mean something to me. And for that reason, I can be content at the end of the day. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
AVarma Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 While this quote resonates with me a lot, and there's plenty of truth to be had in it, I disagree with the overall theme of the thread. I don't want to be with a pitiful sad sack. Nobody wants to be with me if I'M a pitiful sad sack. The feeling associated with the quote above does hit me sometimes. Feeling down on myself and feeling unwanted. Feeling like I'm not worth it to a single soul. But damnit all, I'm not perfect and there are many things I try to improve about myself, but all in all, I DO see good things in me, and maybe not a single other person sees those things or cares for those things, but those good things in me do mean something to me. And for that reason, I can be content at the end of the day. Couldn't have said it better myself. Phoe to the rescue once again! Link to post Share on other sites
MrNate 2.0 Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 While this quote resonates with me a lot, and there's plenty of truth to be had in it, I disagree with the overall theme of the thread. I don't want to be with a pitiful sad sack. Nobody wants to be with me if I'M a pitiful sad sack. The feeling associated with the quote above does hit me sometimes. Feeling down on myself and feeling unwanted. Feeling like I'm not worth it to a single soul. But damnit all, I'm not perfect and there are many things I try to improve about myself, but all in all, I DO see good things in me, and maybe not a single other person sees those things or cares for those things, but those good things in me do mean something to me. And for that reason, I can be content at the end of the day. That is what matters in the end. Anytime you require validation from other people, you push yourself further away from owning who you are. There's enough approval/attention seeking people in this world willing to conform to whatever norms. It takes a much deeper strength to own who you are, despite those who may not agree. Ironically, doing that will also make you significantly more attractive in the end. Keep up the good work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WomenWubber Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 Happyness is an emotion. There's no logic to it. Going for whatever you think will make you happy seems (to me) like the most reasonable thing you could do. "You have to be happy and content by yourself before you can be happy with someone else" Of course, this doesn't have to be true for everyone. I think it's meant as advice for those who jump from one relationship to another, thinking happiness will simply fall into their laps. "If you don't find it out there, maybe you have to look inside yourself" kind of thing. In that context, if you ask me, that would be just common sense. I would say that generally, if you have followed the advice for a certain time and conclude it's bull****, then yeah maybe it is. You know yourself more than others. Time to change your strategy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The Poster Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 I agree with the OP to an extent. I'm learning day by day to love myself and be more comfortable in my own skin. That doesn't mean that my heart doesn't crave a loving partner in my life. I want someone to share my life with. To grow with. Even only knowing her a few months, my ex inspired me to make very vital changes to my life that will only liberate me and lead to peace and happiness. She has no idea about it. I didn't tell her I was doing it nor have I spoke with her since the break up. Yet, I wish she was here with me so she could see it, or I at least wish I could tell her about it. But what are you gonna do? When people say "you shouldn't need anyone else to be happy", that means that no one should EVER feel depressed or heartbroken after a break up, doesn't it? As I said, please don't misunderstand me. Learning to love yourself is absolutely important and should be your number one priority, but I've always felt love inspires people. It motivates people. It can help save people too. Link to post Share on other sites
Eddy Street Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 No lie, that's the truth. Just because you can't understand something doesn't mean it's stupid. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
regine_phalange Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 So you wait until you are 100% happy by yourself to start dating? 50%? I think you can make someone happy even when you are not entirely content by yourself and with yourself. If you have the need to make someone particular happy then you have it, regardless of your inner state. It depends on how you handle these gaps, instead of being perfectly "clean". People are more complex than this kind of quotes imply. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 We hear it all the time. "You have to be happy and content by yourself before you can be happy with someone else". Or, "a relationship shouldn't complete your life, only enhance your life". What the....???? If people could be perfectly content by themselves, then nobody would enter into relationships. There wouldn't be any incentive; only liability. So stop telling people that are depressed due to failing with women (or men) that they have to be happy by themselves first. Few people in society are, unless they're Buddhist monks or something. It is terrible advice, and often hypocritical of the person giving this advice. Just don't rely on that one person to make you feel good all the time. Putting that on someone isn't fair. One has to find happiness (I'm not talking gushing happy, but enough that you're content with who you are and your life) within themselves. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 Just don't rely on that one person to make you feel good all the time. Putting that on someone isn't fair. One has to find happiness (I'm not talking gushing happy, but enough that you're content with who you are and your life) within themselves. That's been my point all along..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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