Ex contacted me out of the blue

[Simon Phoenix]

We have had significant time apart No Contact. Maybe 9 months? And it was him that reached out to me.

 

I'm not one for playing games, so getting him to jump through hoops doesn't appeal to me. I don't know what should be different. Am I supposed to ask him not to go abroad again, not to get an education? I don't really know what I'm expected to do. I don't know what I should expect to change.

 

 

 

You are being very immature about this. I am not whining or crying. I am just saying it as I see it. I suppose you are working off limited information and you don't know our full history, but based on this, most people are being as pessimistic as they can be. This is especially clear when you use phrases like "doomed to failure". Is this the general approach? Be cruel to be kind?

 

There doesn't seem to be anyone looking from my ex's side, which is what I really need. I just don't see any balance in the argument. Maybe I have blinders on, but is my ex really that bad a person for what he did? Is it really unforgivable?

 

You say I'm not ready to handle this. Why?

 

Why do you think this is a new relationship? Is it not just a continuation of the old?

 

First of all, you were the one throwing shade, so cut out the "you're being immature" talk.

 

You aren't ready to handle it because you are still stuck, at least in part, on the last relationship. And you are looking at things with rose-colored glasses instead of considering all angles, good and bad. You're being willfully obtuse, which is an approach that's "doomed to failure".

 

If you want this relationship to succeed, you better hope it's a new relationship. The old relationship broke. Why the heck would you want to do something that didn't work the first time? That would be a complete fool's errand. For a reconciliation to take, both parties have to evolve and the relationship itself has to evolve into something different, something better. And if you haven't, or he hasn't, and you are just looking to put lipstick on a pig, it's not going to work. It'll be a complete waste of time and you'll be back in the exact same state you were when you first got here.

 

I'd advise against this right now because you seem more bent on resuscitating the past than building a foundation for a better future. That's tunnel-visioned and it doesn't work. But either way, you are going to do what you feel you need to do.

Edited January 25, 2015 by Simon Phoenix

[lovesfool]

C'mon now. Not everyone is selfish. You're totally making excuses for this guy.

 

Maybe it's just my belief, but any action we do is ultimately to please ourselves. There are rarely selfess acts. When someone does something that appears "selfess", there is the resulting good feeling of doing that act, for example when you do charity work.

 

You even admitted you weren't buying his apology in full. Why do you think that is?

 

I am new to relationships and I don't know what to expect. We never really discussed any deep emotions, maybe he is just always distant in that respect. I was just surprised that he would break up with me and not have the urge to contact me until now. Maybe he didn't like me anymore, or maybe the break up was hard on him. I don't know, and probably never will.

 

How is our advice not reflective of reality when you've even expressed your own doubts?

 

I always overthink things and just fear I'm reading too much into it as I have done many times in the past.

 

This guy has already treated you unkindly in the past, so we're just warning you that there is the potential for that same lack of consideration to resurface and for you to be hurt again. If you're willing to take the risk, so be it.

 

This is the only time he has ever treated me badly. There was never any problem through the whole relationship. There was never any disagreement or even a raised voice. He was never that kind of person.

 

I'm all for reconciliations, given the right set of circumstances.

 

This guy doesn't seem all that trustworthy though. He randomly comes out of the woodwork after having ignored you for a year and it seems that he's contacting you out of convenience, given the lack of dating prospects on the horizon, and he's not even that apologetic for having hurt you.

 

Maybe he was just making conversation, testing the water to see if I was dating by mentioning it.

 

You mention he has made it clear he's interested in you. Can you elaborate on that? Seems like he just popped up and asked how you were doing and then you had to solicit the apology even for his past actions. No?

 

He wanted to know what our future holds and that he still liked me. I gave a netural response and asked him where he would like to see it go. I think my response set him back a bit and he followed up by saying we should start by being friends and take it from there.

 

It's not like he's professing to having made a huge mistake and desperately vying for a reconciliation. Something just doesn't feel right about this.

 

Did he make a huge mistake? He did keep to his word when he said we would break up for a year and then see what happens when he gets back. I don't think I can blame him for not sticking around for a long distance relationship. I know it would be very tough on both of us. I wouldn't expect an apology for that, just for how he ignored me.

[lovesfool]

If you want this relationship to succeed, you better hope it's a new relationship. The old relationship broke. Why the heck would you want to do something that didn't work the first time? That would be a complete fool's errand. For a reconciliation to take, both parties have to evolve and the relationship itself has to evolve into something different, something better. And if you haven't, or he hasn't, and you are just looking to put lipstick on a pig, it's not going to work. It'll be a complete waste of time and you'll be back in the exact same state you were when you first got here.

 

Did it break? I'm not sure. Perhaps other life commitments got in the way (i.e. his education), but what can you do to fix that?

[Simon Phoenix]

Did it break? I'm not sure. Perhaps other life commitments got in the way (i.e. his education), but what can you do to fix that?

 

Yes it broke, you were broken up. That's a break. And he wasn't exactly compassionate in how he did it. He threw you to the side for nearly a year and did his thing. You can't afford to be this naive. Plenty of people keep their relationships when they are going to be away for a finite amount of time. He didn't. That's a break. If you want to try again, it has to be different, it has to be better. Both of you have to be better.

 

I mean, you can continue to try to do the same thing, but what will happen when life gets in the way again (and it will, it always does)? Is he just going to calmly toss you aside like he did before? I mean, the odds of it are pretty high, because not only are you completely accepting of it, but it's like you've blocked it out of your memory bank. You need to stop making excuses and doing mental gymnastics to justify how he acted and treated you.

 

Instead of trying to build a new house, you are looking to fix the old one with duct tape. Seems rather counterproductive.

[dyna85]

What Simon Phoenix said above.

[organizedchaos]

Yes it broke, you were broken up. That's a break. And he wasn't exactly compassionate in how he did it. He threw you to the side for nearly a year and did his thing. You can't afford to be this naive. Plenty of people keep their relationships when they are going to be away for a finite amount of time. He didn't. That's a break. If you want to try again, it has to be different, it has to be better. Both of you have to be better.

 

I mean, you can continue to try to do the same thing, but what will happen when life gets in the way again (and it will, it always does)? Is he just going to calmly toss you aside like he did before? I mean, the odds of it are pretty high, because not only are you completely accepting of it, but it's like you've blocked it out of your memory bank. You need to stop making excuses and doing mental gymnastics to justify how he acted and treated you.

 

Instead of trying to build a new house, you are looking to fix the old one with duct tape. Seems rather counterproductive.

 

OP, you admit above you're new to relationships. So maybe, just maybe, those of us with vastly more experience know what we're talking about and might be worth listening to?

[Cailinsona]

Hi Lovesfool

 

You've received a lot of wise advice from some LS posters who've had experience of breakups and the aftermath that follows. I think that a lot of the responders have been burnt by people coming back and leaving again and are trying to protect you from further hurt.

 

It is worth bearing in mind that sometimes, just occasionally, things can work out when people reconcile. It may be the minority of cases, but it does happen. My parents split for a long time due to being far apart and reconciled after some time apart. My sister and brother in law also got back together after a break up and have now been happily married for 11 years.

 

I used to see things in very black and white terms- once it's done it's done. Now I'm not so sure. I think if two people do love each other, recognise their own mistakes, work on themselves in the time apart and are willing to start the relationship anew...then sometimes it can have a happy ending.

 

So whilst I applaud and commend all the previous posters for their sage advice and their attempts to help you in your decision- ultimately only you can decide if you are prepared to take the risk of being hurt all over again for the slim chance that it might be the best decision you ever take.

 

Good luck whatever you decide

[lola108]

Yes. No. You get your heart broken again, yay!

 

This is Classic.

[lovesfool]

Maybe it is best to try to be friends first and avoid any serious relationship together for a while. I would have to build trust with him before commiting to anything. It might be easier this way instead of jumping right in at the deep end.

 

Is this a better way of doing it?

[me85]

Maybe it is best to try to be friends first and avoid any serious relationship together for a while. I would have to build trust with him before commiting to anything. It might be easier this way instead of jumping right in at the deep end.

 

Is this a better way of doing it?

 

If you choose to stay in touch with him then you have to keep things very light and ease into a likeness for each other again...as friends. Avoid walking down memory lane. The past truly has to stay in the past. Even the good.

 

Don't be in daily communication with each other. A couple of "how's it going" a week at most.

[Simon Phoenix]

Maybe it is best to try to be friends first and avoid any serious relationship together for a while. I would have to build trust with him before commiting to anything. It might be easier this way instead of jumping right in at the deep end.

 

Is this a better way of doing it?

 

As long as that's what you want to do and you aren't doing that because he's the one who suggested it. All of this should be on your terms and he's the one who needs to comply with your wishes.

 

I'd take it slow if you are going to do this, just like me85 said. No texting every day off the bat, no hanging out multiple times a week, just ease into it at a pace that's comfortable for you. If he can hang and complies, great. If not, then completely next this for good.

[intoxlovee]

So, my ex and i broke up once upon a time and didn't speak a word for 6 months and one day at a party he came up and talked to me out of the blue and we began talking again and one day he asked me to hangout and it was the beginning of a year long relationship. So we did rekindle and lasted a very long time. The fact he is reaching out to you can be a positive or negative sign. Be careful and cautious of your responses and feelings. the question becomes if you want to rekindle, try being friends, or have no contact at all. Maybe shoot a reply asking for a platonic coffee meet up, so you can see each other face to face and really make a decision. He could either be really lonely and know that you can fill that void, or he could have really missed you the entire time and finally reached out to communicate to see where things could go. Of course there are many other reasons as well but I think he just missed you and the memories and if things could go well to try things again. this is just from my experience but truly it depends on your emotions and desires

[erklat]

The foundation of successful relationship in this case should be increased

self awareness and self love. I see that is lacking from your posts. You are

desperately trying to justify his actions.

 

I was once hoping she would change her mind. Instead I changed waiting.

 

Do not expose yourself to the possibility of another heartbreak.