Choosing your partner's friends after marriage

[MJJean]

I will say, I have noticed with some exactly what you're talking about and I don't know if it's always the wife's fault or not. I feel like married people tend to gravitate towards other married people. Maybe it's an issue of feeling like they have more in common? I don't know.

 

Yes. Humans are social animals and we like to rant/vent to our friends. It doesn't work when the people you're ranting/venting to simply don't understand because they don't have the same almost universal day to day experiences you do as a married person and parent, if there are kids.

 

Yes, of course. I would not listen to the women's replies here..They will never admit to being controlling/needy/bothered by not being the center of attention.

 

If you are married with a kid, and a man, chances are you work.. When you come home , often times your wife was with the kids all day.. Now what are the chances you think your wife will say "Oh, hello honey! Of course! Go have a beer with Joe.. I will be right here.. Love you!" Close to zero.

 

What will happen is that she will most likely meet other women with kids, and you will then be friends with these husbands.

 

So, no.. Women are not literally sanitizing a list, but in almost all cases you just cannot ever see your friends alone.. Technically you can still "have" friends, as long as you never see them without your wife being included.

 

Umm, no. I am not controlling/needy/bothered by not being the center of attention. Hell, I haven't been the center of anyone's attention since I had my first baby over 21 years ago! And I don't get to indulge in neediness because I am too busy attending to the needs of my husband, kids, pets, house, yard, cars, friends/family, etc. Control, as far as I have seen, is an illusion.

 

I have indeed told my DH to please go out with his friends. I've even called his friends and asked them to take him out! Him going out for a beer or a movie or to game benefits me just as much as it does him. I need me time! If he wants to go out for burgers and beers that means I don't have to spend an hour or more cooking dinner. Him going out gaming means I can sit in my jammies with the kids, some ice cream, and watch cheezey zombie movies.

 

I also recognize he needs his time away from work and home to do his thing and recharge. When he's had that time out alone he comes home with new things to talk about, plus I get all the friend gossip, he's missed me, he's all cheery and feeling youngish and, believe me, I benefit!

 

And, no, I don't always want to be included. If they're doing something fun I might ask if they mind me tagging along. But, for the most part, what they do is dead boring and I'd rather not be there for it.

[MJJean]

Not for me, my wife never said a thing about my friends. Sadly most of them are now long distance, my best friend moved to AZ 2 years ago.

 

HOWEVER, my parents... my mother pacified my dad's friends and controlled going forward. My dad makes friends essentially from my mother's pool of friends.

 

Most of my husbands old friends have moved out of state for work. Only a few remain. It's sad. We still keep in touch through social media and they occasionally come to visit, but it's not the same.

 

I wonder how much of your dad making friends through your mom was controlling and how much was guys get lazy and it was easier to make friends that way.

[insert_name]

A real mix of answers, I agree in principle about the acceptance of responsibilities on the part of the friend. But I also feel its fair to expect some give and take especially with friends who I have known for 15 years+.

I guess it does show you who your friends really are when they get married and have kids.

 

I live away from my home town and we used to have yearly gatherings at christmas but attendance has dropped with people getting married and having kids. The way I see it thats fine if they want to immerse themselves in the company of a woman that have known for 5 minutes. I just wonder if they realise that it cuts both ways? Should they split and my friends suddenly come back into circulation then I hope they don't try and contact me because I won't be picking up my phone or answering their messages.

 

I am loyal to a fault as far as my friends are concerned and have gone out of my way to be there for them when they needed me, but I feel that its been wasted effort all these years as they don't have the same desire to keep in touch when they have a family they can absorb themselves in.

[atreides]

Most of my husbands old friends have moved out of state for work. Only a few remain. It's sad. We still keep in touch through social media and they occasionally come to visit, but it's not the same.

 

I wonder how much of your dad making friends through your mom was controlling and how much was guys get lazy and it was easier to make friends that way.

 

No, it was controlling, she did not like his buddies and would complain all the time if he wanted to go out and such (it may have been her distaste of being alone more than his friends). Now that they are older he has made a few of his own friends but the majority came from my mother's connections.

[thechild]

A real mix of answers, I agree in principle about the acceptance of responsibilities on the part of the friend. But I also feel its fair to expect some give and take especially with friends who I have known for 15 years+.

I guess it does show you who your friends really are when they get married and have kids.

 

I live away from my home town and we used to have yearly gatherings at christmas but attendance has dropped with people getting married and having kids. The way I see it thats fine if they want to immerse themselves in the company of a woman that have known for 5 minutes. I just wonder if they realise that it cuts both ways? Should they split and my friends suddenly come back into circulation then I hope they don't try and contact me because I won't be picking up my phone or answering their messages.

 

I am loyal to a fault as far as my friends are concerned and have gone out of my way to be there for them when they needed me, but I feel that its been wasted effort all these years as they don't have the same desire to keep in touch when they have a family they can absorb themselves in.

 

Gosh! How dare those married men spend christmas with their family.

 

Seriously. You sound like a jealous lover. Your friends' lives don't revolve around you. They have careers and wives and kids to tend to. All three rank higher than you on the priorities list.

 

I honestly cannot understand this kind of thought process. My best friend and I have known each other for over fifteen years. We grew up together and we were attached at the hip. She recognizes that my husband and child come first. I recognize that her career comes first. We are still incredibly close, but our relationship had to change as we matured. That's life. No relationship will stay the same forever.

[pink_sugar]

My husband use meetup to meetup and socialize with other couples. Great way to make new friends.

[insert_name]

Gosh! How dare those married men spend christmas with their family.

 

Seriously. You sound like a jealous lover. Your friends' lives don't revolve around you. They have careers and wives and kids to tend to. All three rank higher than you on the priorities list.

 

I honestly cannot understand this kind of thought process. My best friend and I have known each other for over fifteen years. We grew up together and we were attached at the hip. She recognizes that my husband and child come first. I recognize that her career comes first. We are still incredibly close, but our relationship had to change as we matured. That's life. No relationship will stay the same forever.

 

They see their families the whole year - 1 gathering at Christmas that they dont turn up for and I am being too precious? Sorry but if that is asking the Earth then I think that justifies my stance, they obviously arent that interested in maintaining the friendship.

[thechild]

They see their families the whole year - 1 gathering at Christmas that they dont turn up for and I am being too precious? Sorry but if that is asking the Earth then I think that justifies my stance, they obviously arent that interested in maintaining the friendship.

 

One gathering doesn't sound like much to you because you don't have a family. Let's do a bit of simple arithmetic, shall we? There are 31 days in the month of December. A parent working full time will spend about 21 of those working. That leaves 10 days. Let's go with the average household and say that both parents are working and have two kids. Each individual is likely to have at least one activity the family is expected to attend hosted their work or school. You know, office parties, concerts, pageants, and the like. So now, there are 6 days left. Both sides of the extended family will likely have a party. 4 days left. I'll lowball the numbers and not factor any church obligations in. So now this family is left with 4 days for the parents to have quality couple time, to spend quality time with both kids individually, to spend all together as a nuclear family, and for each spouse to find a few quiet moments to themselves.

 

But obviously, if they don't decide to spend one of these precious few days with you the father is a horrible friend. Clearly your friendship superceeds all other friendships, including the wife's friendships. Of course he should spend 1/4 of their nuclear family time on you! It's just one day!<---- Sarcasm.

 

This rather clearly illustrates why some friendships naturally die post marriage. You have these expectations because you have no experience as a spouse and parent. It's hard to maintain a friendship with someone who simply does not understand the daily challenges of your life and refuses to empathize.

[KimmyBee]

Parents calling non parents dysfunctional? That's disgusting. They are probably very unhappy in their marriage and are bitter I don't think a happy couple would call someone dysfunctional... what would it achieve? I think a miserable person would... because belittling people makes them feel better.

 

A baby should come first, yes, but I still hang out with my friend who has a baby. She brings her baby with her... and as far as I know, her husband hangs out with his friends too. Not all of the time but now and again. I think that's healthy. It's down to the person in question whether they dump their friends or keep them but people should accept that not all think alike.

[central]

My wife doesn't have to like my friends, or ever socialize with them if she doesn't want to, but she has no say in whether I keep my friends, unless she wants to give me control over her associations. (Yeah, right, like that's ever going to happen! LOL) My friends, my choice. I wouldn't marry someone who wanted to control me to that degree, frankly. Of course, I can't be irresponsible or neglect my marriage because of my friends, either. There has to be compromise

[insert_name]

One gathering doesn't sound like much to you because you don't have a family. Let's do a bit of simple arithmetic, shall we? There are 31 days in the month of December. A parent working full time will spend about 21 of those working. That leaves 10 days. Let's go with the average household and say that both parents are working and have two kids. Each individual is likely to have at least one activity the family is expected to attend hosted their work or school. You know, office parties, concerts, pageants, and the like. So now, there are 6 days left. Both sides of the extended family will likely have a party. 4 days left. I'll lowball the numbers and not factor any church obligations in. So now this family is left with 4 days for the parents to have quality couple time, to spend quality time with both kids individually, to spend all together as a nuclear family, and for each spouse to find a few quiet moments to themselves.

 

But obviously, if they don't decide to spend one of these precious few days with you the father is a horrible friend. Clearly your friendship superceeds all other friendships, including the wife's friendships. Of course he should spend 1/4 of their nuclear family time on you! It's just one day!<---- Sarcasm.

 

This rather clearly illustrates why some friendships naturally die post marriage. You have these expectations because you have no experience as a spouse and parent. It's hard to maintain a friendship with someone who simply does not understand the daily challenges of your life and refuses to empathize.

 

I would understand if it was a bit more demanding than that, but I still fail to see how they cant make arrangements for one night in the year when everyone is around at christmas to catch up. It just comes down to how much you want to see everyone. Obviously the case is that some arent fussed, which is fair enough. I just feel like the time that I put in to cultivating those friendships in my younger years was a waste of time as those people seem to be just waiting for the moment when they settled down and then they dont have to bother with those friendships anymore.

 

Whilst people obviously have other priorities when married and with kids, does that completely absolve them of having to put any effort into their friendships? Friendship is a two way street no matter what their marital status. If they split from their wives they will be needing their friends then, friends that they never bothered with when happily married.

[thechild]

I would understand if it was a bit more demanding than that, but I still fail to see how they cant make arrangements for one night in the year when everyone is around at christmas to catch up. It just comes down to how much you want to see everyone. Obviously the case is that some arent fussed, which is fair enough. I just feel like the time that I put in to cultivating those friendships in my younger years was a waste of time as those people seem to be just waiting for the moment when they settled down and then they dont have to bother with those friendships anymore.

 

Whilst people obviously have other priorities when married and with kids, does that completely absolve them of having to put any effort into their friendships? Friendship is a two way street no matter what their marital status. If they split from their wives they will be needing their friends then, friends that they never bothered with when happily married.

 

You sound like you're hoping for these people to divorce. I'd drop you like a hot potato if you were my friend and had that kind of attitude towards my marriage. And, you still fail to recognize the fact that you simply are not the priority. Let me repeat that: You are not the priority. You do not warrant spending one of the four remaining days separated from their wife and kids. You are on the bottom of the list.

 

And even if a friend were to divorce (which is an awful thing to wish on anyone, much less someone you consider a friend), they would not need you specifically. They would need a lawyer. They would need a counselor. They would need a support system of some sort, but it doesn't have to be you. It could easily be family. You are relatively unimportant in most of your friends' lives. And if you were a healthy, important person in a friend's life you wouldn't have an issue with them doing whatever it takes to keep their nuclear family healthy and intact.

 

Again using my best friend as an example. She knows that we're ridiculously busy during the holidays. She knows that either she flies down to see us for Christmas or the visit can't happen. She knows that our weekend getaways are no longer possible. But we're still close. We're so close that she loves my family as her own. My daughter is the sole beneficiary on her life insurance. If our kids are orphaned it is written in our wills that she is to have custody of them. We're that close. And because we are that close she wants what is best for me, my husband, and our child. She wants our nuclear family to be strong.

 

Do you want what is best for your "friends" or do you want what is best for yourself? That is the measure of true friendship.

[insert_name]

Edit to my last post:

 

 

I should also add that when I am back for Christmas I often havent seen my family for over 6 months so I have people to see and things to do in a short space of time before I go back- but I make time to be able to see the friends that I grew up with because old friendships that have lasted as long as that are rare and worth preserving, it obviousky is not that important to them.

[insert_name]

You sound like you're hoping for these people to divorce. I'd drop you like a hot potato if you were my friend and had that kind of attitude towards my marriage. And, you still fail to recognize the fact that you simply are not the priority. Let me repeat that: You are not the priority. You do not warrant spending one of the four remaining days separated from their wife and kids. You are on the bottom of the list.

 

And even if a friend were to divorce (which is an awful thing to wish on anyone, much less someone you consider a friend), they would not need you specifically. They would need a lawyer. They would need a counselor. They would need a support system of some sort, but it doesn't have to be you. It could easily be family. You are relatively unimportant in most of your friends' lives. And if you were a healthy, important person in a friend's life you wouldn't have an issue with them doing whatever it takes to keep their nuclear family healthy and intact.

 

Again using my best friend as an example. She knows that we're ridiculously busy during the holidays. She knows that either she flies down to see us for Christmas or the visit can't happen. She knows that our weekend getaways are no longer possible. But we're still close. We're so close that she loves my family as her own. My daughter is the sole beneficiary on her life insurance. If our kids are orphaned it is written in our wills that she is to have custody of them. We're that close. And because we are that close she wants what is best for me, my husband, and our child. She wants our nuclear family to be strong.

 

Do you want what is best for your "friends" or do you want what is best for yourself? That is the measure of true friendship.

 

I dont wish divorce on any of my friends - i just dont see why it has to be so all or nothing as you describe it. I don't expect to be number 1 priority, but again the way you make it sound is like I am actually something that my my married friends have scraped off their shoe rather than someone whonhas known them and stood by them through thick and thin for 15 years. Its nice to know that counts for nothing though.

 

Thankfully I am relieved that it doesnt bear out like that in real life in all cases. This past christmas 2 of my friends with wives and kids were there for a meet up, one of whom it was his child's first christmas yet he found the time to come out for a drink, then there were others who werent there and who werent there last year either. I do think it comes down to how much the friendship is valued. Some of them want to be there, some of them don't. Fair enough I guess.

[xxoo]

Are these friends who still live in your hometown? If so, could you go visit and hang out and watch a game instead of expecting them to get a night out over the holidays? (holiday season is very busy for families: two office parties, twice as many Christmas parties, school performances, etc).

 

If these are friends who also live out of town, traveling with kids over the holidays is stressful. Finding someone to leave them with isn't always easy.

 

It's hard. The hometown friends we continue to see mostly visit us where we are staying and hang with our kids. Very often, we have SO many demands on our time and we don't get to see everyone that year.

[thechild]

I dont wish divorce on any of my friends - i just dont see why it has to be so all or nothing as you describe it. I don't expect to be number 1 priority, but again the way you make it sound is like I am actually something that my my married friends have scraped off their shoe rather than someone whonhas known them and stood by them through thick and thin for 15 years. Its nice to know that counts for nothing though.

 

Thankfully I am relieved that it doesnt bear out like that in real life in all cases. This past christmas 2 of my friends with wives and kids were there for a meet up, one of whom it was his child's first christmas yet he found the time to come out for a drink, then there were others who werent there and who werent there last year either. I do think it comes down to how much the friendship is valued. Some of them want to be there, some of them don't. Fair enough I guess.

 

All or nothing is kind of what marriage is. They have to act as a unit. They have to do what is best for their family. It's when a married couple fails to act as a unit that the marriage falls apart.

 

Do your friends need a written excuse for not answering your summons? What is considered a viable excuse? Does it need to be a doctor's note? Would a note from a couples counselor explaining that they need more time to connect suffice? Should they give you their social schedule?

 

Why aren't you visiting them on their schedule? Don't you care enough about the friendship to go to them? If you really wanted to see them you'd cut your time with your family short and visit according to their schedule. How dare you visit your parents and siblings rather than accomodate your friends!

^See, it goes both ways.

 

Most friendships don't last forever. That's the way life works. People get jobs or get married and their social circle changes. Priorities change. People themselves change. The friendships that do last a lifetime are the friendships that can adapt to the new status quo. Taking attendance for your parties is not the way to make friendships last.

[xxoo]

Most friendships don't last forever.

 

This is true. A precious few will last over many stages of life. Many more will begin and phase out over a lifetime.

 

Getting together with old schoolmates once a year phases out after a while. Priorities changes as social circles grow and responsibilities grow, and there are ever more people to accommodate and less free time in which to accommodate them. It's hectic.

[stillmind]

I've never tried to sanitize my husband's friends, but we mostly do things with other coupled friends these days. I think it's a natural thing. We get invited out as a couple by other couples, etc. It's fun to go out and socialize as a couple and honestly I don't think either one of us relates as well to our single friends any more. We're just kind of in a different phase of life.