acrosstheuniverse Posted January 17, 2015 Posted January 17, 2015 Good for you, Nicole. You should be proud of yourself for doing the right thing for you, even though it's horribly hard. I know it's impossible to believe it right now that you'll feel better, but you will feel so much better in a few months time once you've grieved for the relationship and the way that he's acted, if you stay no contact. It will be an enormous sense of freedom and peace, which compared to the way you feel right now, will be beautiful to experience. He blatantly feels more strongly about meeting up with her than he does maintaining your relationship, and instead of rolling over and letting it happen or making a huge drama trying to fight her off and get him to stay with you, you've stood up for yourself and walked away. You are one strong lady and the fact you respect yourself tells me you'll be a great partner to somebody who actually deserves you someday. Congratulations on being free of this tw@t.
Author Nicole11 Posted January 19, 2015 Author Posted January 19, 2015 It has been a pretty miserable few days. I finally turned my phone back on and of course he is calling me from other phone numbers. I REFUSE to talk to him. I changed the locks on my doors. I did answer when hes called a few times from other numbers, as soon as I heard his voice I hung up. Then I get the calls at work, he keeps calling and calling to I HAD to listen to him to get him off the phone. He SWEARS they are just friends, it has been over for HIM for years and years, but NOT her I reminded him. I also reminded him I was CLEAR how I felt and what I would do if he spit in my face over this. it was HIS choice!!! I did NOT forbid him, I left it up to him. I told him what I would do. Its KILLING me inside, but to be so blatantly disrespected! Just a big FU!!! I am sorry, I know people don't see a lunch as a 'date' or a breakfast for that matter either, but it IS!!! When its an ex, who CLEARLY still has feelings to the point of saying **** about me???? And my guy goes off to meet her? Drop ****ing dead! It hurts like hell, I look like hell, eyes puffy and red, I just say I am getting a cold. I do not know to many woman who would not agree with me. Maybe to others my stance is extreme, and it probably is, however I work in a MALE dominated industry and see this a lot!!! They tell their wives or whom ever its just a friend, guess what? FAR FROM it!!! I hear the phone calls, its sickening. I am so freaken mad at him right now!!! How dare he throw my feelings aside like NOTHING!!!! Then think he can just walk right in over the scraps of my heart. Bull ****!! He chose her, he can have her. It does hurt like a son of a you know what. But come on! Who does that? Knowing this past few weeks I have been very upset about it and to just say screw you? Well screw you too! Ugh. 1
Timshel Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 I agree with you. Hang in there, it will get easier with time. Be kind to yourself. If you hadn't done this he would never have taken you seriously. Your instincts are spot on, you've done the right thing. Sticking to your guns is hard but so worth it. 1
Standard-Fare Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 So, Nicole, you have not actually had a direct conversation with your BF since you saw evidence of the lunch? Does he know exactly why you're blocking contact? If not, do you plan to have that conversation sometime in the future? It does seem best that both of you would cool down before you talked to each other again.
Gaeta Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 Wow Nicole! You are one tough cookie! I admire that! Hang in there, you are 100% right about everything. What he did was a disrespect to you and to your relationship. If she is nothing to him than why did he have to hurt you so much over her!
Blade96 Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 CLEARLY still has feelings to the point of saying **** about me????" ----- she's a disrespectful ass and you seem like a nice girl, why does he still wan to be friends with her? It's one thing if you really were an ass and, being a good friend, she tried to warn him and said stuff about you. But there isn't anything here suggesting anything of the sort. It suggests the opposite: just a jealous bitch who says mean stuff cause she is jealous. and if that is the case, why the F does he want that for a friend? Even to the point of ignoring his what seems to be, nice girlfriend? (P.S. Knowing of course I'm only getting your side of the story and it's one thread on the Net.)
Winterina Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 CLEARLY still has feelings to the point of saying **** about me????" ----- she's a disrespectful ass and you seem like a nice girl, why does he still wan to be friends with her? It's one thing if you really were an ass and, being a good friend, she tried to warn him and said stuff about you. But there isn't anything here suggesting anything of the sort. It suggests the opposite: just a jealous bitch who says mean stuff cause she is jealous. and if that is the case, why the F does he want that for a friend? Even to the point of ignoring his what seems to be, nice girlfriend? (P.S. Knowing of course I'm only getting your side of the story and it's one thread on the Net.) Even if Nicole were the bitch here, which does not seem to be the case, it is still someone's relationship and nobody should interfere especially not ex girlfriend. My guess is that he was moved by the fact his ex is in town and she wanted him, and he could not resist seeing her even on the risk of losing Nicole. Now that he got to see her, there was no magic he expected and he was reminded why they are not together.... now he desperately wants Nicole back and sees that he made a mistake. But from her point of view trust in someone's emotions and that safe feeling are ruined permanently. He acted like he did not know which one to pick... now he knows, but now might be too late. 2
Pinkdisney Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 It has been a pretty miserable few days. I finally turned my phone back on and of course he is calling me from other phone numbers. I REFUSE to talk to him. I changed the locks on my doors. I did answer when hes called a few times from other numbers, as soon as I heard his voice I hung up. Then I get the calls at work, he keeps calling and calling to I HAD to listen to him to get him off the phone. He SWEARS they are just friends, it has been over for HIM for years and years, but NOT her I reminded him. I also reminded him I was CLEAR how I felt and what I would do if he spit in my face over this. it was HIS choice!!! I did NOT forbid him, I left it up to him. I told him what I would do. Its KILLING me inside, but to be so blatantly disrespected! Just a big FU!!! I am sorry, I know people don't see a lunch as a 'date' or a breakfast for that matter either, but it IS!!! When its an ex, who CLEARLY still has feelings to the point of saying **** about me???? And my guy goes off to meet her? Drop ****ing dead! It hurts like hell, I look like hell, eyes puffy and red, I just say I am getting a cold. I do not know to many woman who would not agree with me. Maybe to others my stance is extreme, and it probably is, however I work in a MALE dominated industry and see this a lot!!! They tell their wives or whom ever its just a friend, guess what? FAR FROM it!!! I hear the phone calls, its sickening. I am so freaken mad at him right now!!! How dare he throw my feelings aside like NOTHING!!!! Then think he can just walk right in over the scraps of my heart. Bull ****!! He chose her, he can have her. It does hurt like a son of a you know what. But come on! Who does that? Knowing this past few weeks I have been very upset about it and to just say screw you? Well screw you too! Ugh. I really admire you for being so strong. Did he admit he went out with her or did you have to tell him you saw him? Part of me wishes you confronted them at the restaurant. My BF of almost 3 yrs has an extremely disrespectful ex who rears her ugly head every now and then (last was a vague text at 11:55 on on NYE) so I can very much relate to your story and have had similar conversations about her contacting him trying to stir up trouble. He says it's harmless but I will never agree. If they met secretly for lunch I would feel just as you did.
kendahke Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 To me, the mark that he respects your feelings is shown by him not agreeing in the first place to meet up with someone whose agenda he knows is to disrupt your relationship. Were an ex to pop up and make that clear to me and I disregarded it and tried to lull my man into a stupor in order to let me go give an audience to the ex, I would deserve for my man to break up with me. I'm showing him that I've put someone ahead of him in my consideration and unless I was already on my way out of the relationship, I would not do it. The ex hasn't been part of my life for some time and they can continue to not be part of my life. I'll live without them, as I've already demonstrated. OP, if your boyfriend needs her friendship that badly, then cut him loose. You see where his loyalties lie.
CALOVELY Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 It has been a pretty miserable few days. I finally turned my phone back on and of course he is calling me from other phone numbers. I REFUSE to talk to him. I changed the locks on my doors. I did answer when hes called a few times from other numbers, as soon as I heard his voice I hung up. Then I get the calls at work, he keeps calling and calling to I HAD to listen to him to get him off the phone. He SWEARS they are just friends, it has been over for HIM for years and years, but NOT her I reminded him. I also reminded him I was CLEAR how I felt and what I would do if he spit in my face over this. it was HIS choice!!! I did NOT forbid him, I left it up to him. I told him what I would do. Its KILLING me inside, but to be so blatantly disrespected! Just a big FU!!! I am sorry, I know people don't see a lunch as a 'date' or a breakfast for that matter either, but it IS!!! When its an ex, who CLEARLY still has feelings to the point of saying **** about me???? And my guy goes off to meet her? Drop ****ing dead! It hurts like hell, I look like hell, eyes puffy and red, I just say I am getting a cold. I do not know to many woman who would not agree with me. Maybe to others my stance is extreme, and it probably is, however I work in a MALE dominated industry and see this a lot!!! They tell their wives or whom ever its just a friend, guess what? FAR FROM it!!! I hear the phone calls, its sickening. I am so freaken mad at him right now!!! How dare he throw my feelings aside like NOTHING!!!! Then think he can just walk right in over the scraps of my heart. Bull ****!! He chose her, he can have her. It does hurt like a son of a you know what. But come on! Who does that? Knowing this past few weeks I have been very upset about it and to just say screw you? Well screw you too! Ugh. She is not "just a friend". She is so important to him that he sacrificed his relationship with you to be with her. You did the right thing. 1
kendahke Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Just read what went down. I think you made the right decision. He has been hellbent on meeting up with her and he went and did it. You can't control what he does, only what you do and the proximity in which you place your person in relation to him. He made his choice. Be strong. You did the right thing, even though it seems painful right now. 1
Blade96 Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Even if Nicole were the bitch here, which does not seem to be the case, it is still someone's relationship and nobody should interfere especially not ex girlfriend. My guess is that he was moved by the fact his ex is in town and she wanted him, and he could not resist seeing her even on the risk of losing Nicole. Now that he got to see her, there was no magic he expected and he was reminded why they are not together.... now he desperately wants Nicole back and sees that he made a mistake. But from her point of view trust in someone's emotions and that safe feeling are ruined permanently. He acted like he did not know which one to pick... now he knows, but now might be too late. Yup, that's what seems like happened. That and Ex does not seem like a friend to him, if she really loved him, she'd be respectful as I wrote earlier.
Author Nicole11 Posted January 21, 2015 Author Posted January 21, 2015 He is trying like crazy to get in touch with me, I have not said more than half a second of conversation with him. He actually is running from apologetic to anger in his messages. It pisses me off. I go from anger to incredible sadness in a blink of an eye. I can't forgive him. we fought over this for two weeks, or rather had very spirited conversations, as I don't seem to feel by voicing a strong opinion is a fight. to those who have asked? I am not near ready to talk to him. I am too emotional and there really is nothing he can say or do that will change that or comfort me. To hear "I love you" is a joke! he has left that bull**** on my phone. It pisses me off! I pose a question, just because this was part of the discussion. Do you consider breakfast, lunch what ever with an ex, planned, one on one a date? I do. 1
CALOVELY Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 He is trying like crazy to get in touch with me, I have not said more than half a second of conversation with him. He actually is running from apologetic to anger in his messages. It pisses me off. I go from anger to incredible sadness in a blink of an eye. I can't forgive him. we fought over this for two weeks, or rather had very spirited conversations, as I don't seem to feel by voicing a strong opinion is a fight. to those who have asked? I am not near ready to talk to him. I am too emotional and there really is nothing he can say or do that will change that or comfort me. To hear "I love you" is a joke! he has left that bull**** on my phone. It pisses me off! I pose a question, just because this was part of the discussion. Do you consider breakfast, lunch what ever with an ex, planned, one on one a date? I do. I do in the context of what happened in your situation. She is an ex-girlfriend of his who shows continued interest in him and he knows this. You did not approve of him meeting her and voiced your opinions multiple times. He ignored them and went to meet her anyways, hiding it from you. After you found out he denied it. Yes, that is a date and cheating as well. His anger is that he can not control the situation now. He knows what he did is wrong and instead of looking within and seeing how big a role he played in all of this, he blames you. This is but a glimpse of what a continued relationship with him would look like. Stick to your guns and do not contact him. Lastly, I do not know why you would need to speak with him at all. You mentioned you are not ready but really, there is no need to ever be ready. He is in the past due to the choices he made. Leave him there. 2
Timshel Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 CALOVELY is 100% correct. He's upset because he is realizing he can't manipulate you like he thought he could, he's still trying.
Pinkdisney Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 (edited) He is trying like crazy to get in touch with me, I have not said more than half a second of conversation with him. He actually is running from apologetic to anger in his messages. It pisses me off. I go from anger to incredible sadness in a blink of an eye. I can't forgive him. we fought over this for two weeks, or rather had very spirited conversations, as I don't seem to feel by voicing a strong opinion is a fight. to those who have asked? I am not near ready to talk to him. I am too emotional and there really is nothing he can say or do that will change that or comfort me. To hear "I love you" is a joke! he has left that bull**** on my phone. It pisses me off! I pose a question, just because this was part of the discussion. Do you consider breakfast, lunch what ever with an ex, planned, one on one a date? I do. Of course he's acting crazy now because you called his bluff, he did what he did knowing what the consequences would be but thought you would not go through with it, although I don't know why when you were pretty specific what the consequences would be. He's cake eating. I do consider Breakfast/Brunch/Lunch with an ex a planned actual real date. He hid it from you and you had to go find them to know for sure what was going on behind your back. You said she'd been in contact with him more frequently around the holidays. She absolutely wants something from him. As I mentioned earlier, my BF's ex contacts him out of the blue via e-mail, every so often, but she does it in a way that is sneaky thinking I don't know, and I hate the sneakiness (is that a word) of it more than the actual words exchanged. Edited January 23, 2015 by Pinkdisney
Standard-Fare Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 I think what makes your BF's action a violation/transgression is the fact that the ex had very clearly maintained a romantic interest in him, and there was no question about that. If they had evolved into "platonic buddies" who could really just hang out casually, that would be a different vibe. Like if she was married with kids or something, and their past was ancient history. But in this case, real feelings were involved. And you can make only a couple guesses for why your ex wanted to see someone who still had feelings for him, years later. 1) He wanted his ego stroked. 2) He was harboring some feelings himself, and was curious to see what would happen. Can anyone think of any other explanation that could apply? Because I really can't. And Nicole, both of those reasons should be legitimate cause for concern from your end. I think you've done the right thing. Personally I do think you should have a conversation with this guy at some point and confirm to him what you saw. His mind might be reeling in a million different directions and you should tell him exactly what he did wrong, and why you can't trust him. I don't know if you see any chance of forgiveness or reconciliation in the future. Obviously, it would have to be a scenario where the ex is 100 percent out of the picture.
Author Nicole11 Posted January 27, 2015 Author Posted January 27, 2015 Well we have talked. He INSISTS they are only friends, that he does not feel any attraction to her, he LOVES me, he skirts around HER being interested in him though. He truly does not understand that this whatever it is with her is why I cut him out. I will not be made a fool of, lied to and sit back and watch this little dance from the sidelines. She called TWICE while we were talking. I got up, put 20 dollars on the table (lunch) and walked out the door. He comes running out all pissed off. He says I am not being fair. I said I was being true to ME and that I come first in MY life! He swears he loves ME, he goes from lovey dovey, to anger to all over the map on his phone messages, it confuses me. It still hurts, but I KNOW I did the right thing most the time, then somedays I get so down about it and start second guessing. UGH! 2
applej4 Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 Well we have talked. He INSISTS they are only friends, that he does not feel any attraction to her, he LOVES me, he skirts around HER being interested in him though. He truly does not understand that this whatever it is with her is why I cut him out. I will not be made a fool of, lied to and sit back and watch this little dance from the sidelines. She called TWICE while we were talking. I got up, put 20 dollars on the table (lunch) and walked out the door. He comes running out all pissed off. He says I am not being fair. I said I was being true to ME and that I come first in MY life! He swears he loves ME, he goes from lovey dovey, to anger to all over the map on his phone messages, it confuses me. It still hurts, but I KNOW I did the right thing most the time, then somedays I get so down about it and start second guessing. UGH! "He said", "he said", "he said". Talk is cheap. She would not be in his life unless he wanted her to be. Don't have anymore contact with him or his temper. Move on.
Timshel Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 Yeah Nicole! I'm sorry you are hurting but you are being very smart. She called twice while you were talking? No way this is just an innocent friendship. 1
Gaeta Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 It's just so wrong of him to not even recognize how that made you feel. How can he just dismiss your feelings. Look at how he's handling this, do you see yourself long term with a man that has his priorities this screwed? 1
Author Nicole11 Posted January 27, 2015 Author Posted January 27, 2015 Gaeta, EXACTLY!!!! That is EXACTLY why I can't be why I can't be with him anymore! He did not care one bit how I felt about this! My instincts or what ever came flaring up when this all started a month ago (give or take) I remember it so well now. I just KNEW something was not right about the whole thing. Love me my ass! He wanted to keep me on a shelf, tucked away at home while he runs around with HER, thinking hes got me waiting at home. I am not kidding when I say this. He would funny about other men approaching me, he will say he does not care, but I have noticed he would tell me things about them he KNEW would turn me off of them! Its like he would try and put a wedge between me and a male friend, or if he thought someone was to close? He would arrange them to be far from me somehow. I am starting to see that. So he does not want ME with or near anyone else, but he wants to run around. I think NOT! I am not ready to date again, this sucks, this whole dating thing sucks! Lemon after Lemon, and I am sure I was the lemon myself at times. Life is weird.
mightycpa Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 I have a whole different take on this. I think John thinks Nicole is being totally unreasonable. That's what angers him. He felt like Nicole didn't trust him, and that she was placing an unreasonable restriction on him. He felt like he was being manipulated. Nicole's problem is pretty well documented. No real mystery there. John's mistake was to sneak behind Nicole's back. He should have been up front with her and explained the facts of life - He wasn't willing to let Nicole decide with whom John would spend his platonic time. All he was willing to let Nicole decide is how she would react. There are two mistakes there. One, he looks like the bad guy now. Two, he didn't take her threat seriously. I'll bet he cannot believe she would breakup over something this trivial. I think this was a power struggle waiting to happen anyway. If it wasn't the ex "Matilda", it would be something else. These two clearly don't see eye to eye when it comes to who decides what. I think what everybody is missing is the one thing that you'll read over and over again on the breakup forum. No matter how much you like someone, you can't make them like you. Matilda, for all her charms and intentions to steal John away can't do that without John's desire to do the same. From where I'm sitting, it seems like Nicole is Matilda's best friend right now. You see, Matilda had this problem.... her ex had a girlfriend. If Matilda could only figure out a way to get rid of that girlfriend and make her look bad, Matilda could comfort John and commiserate with him, and maybe John would come to his senses and date Matilda again.... Well, what do you know? With Nicole's help, she's halfway there. 2
Standard-Fare Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 If Matilda could only figure out a way to get rid of that girlfriend and make her look bad, Matilda could comfort John and commiserate with him, and maybe John would come to his senses and date Matilda again.... Well, what do you know? With Nicole's help, she's halfway there. Yeah, but "John" made a choice in allowing "Matilda" to be able to exert that kind of influence on his current relationship. He could have/should have stamped that down immediately and not let it reach that point. But instead he let Matilda wreak havoc. Nicole, I understand your doubts, but the fact that the ex called TWICE during your conversation should be proof enough that you made the right call. That's just absurd. 2
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