How to handle his "ex"

[Omei]

I agree with Ieris dont argue anymore you got your point though take a step back see what happens you don't have to act pleased or merry but just stay calm wait and see, lets worry about the steps that follow if this ends up happening.

[Satu]

I would say nothing more about it, and be ready to end it for good if he ignored my wishes.

 

No compromise, no more talk, just consequences.

[orangetree]

OP, I was in a very similar situation as you. Just in my case, the ex-girlfriend was the girl he dated before he started dating me (therefore, no 7 years had passed).

 

I had a lot of fights with my bf too about this and kept sticking to my point that it's inappropriate for him to see her (I also knew she still wanted him back, even years after they had already broken up.. I always found that girl super pathetic).

 

In the end I did what you're planning to do- After another big fight I told him that he has to decide- Me or her. I told him if he cannot promise me he's not going to see her etc. I will not be here for him anymore. I didn't give him an ultimatum, I just told him in a calm but serious (not angry) voice that I'm not gonna let him do this if he wants to stay with me. He got angry at first, calmed down a bit afterwards and told me he's not going to see her. I believed him because I trust him very much. There were also no signs that he actually went to see her.

 

So yes, make it clear to him that you're dead serious and not just saying you will leave him. You have to be prepared to actually leave him if he doesn't care about your feelings, otherwise he won't take you seriously. PLUS, you have to be able to trust him. If you don't trust him, him telling you that he won't go see her won't change anything. You'll always be worried that maybe he's going to see her tomorrow or that he's texting her right now, even if he isn't.

[BC1980]

My bigger problem would be that the BF doesn't seem to respect the OP's feelings about the situation. He minimizes her right to feel the way she does, and that is such a red flag. He is putting his needs above hers and not even offering to compromise. Here's my take: the BF enjoys the attention of both women. OP, this is a huge red flag if he knows his ex still loves him and wants him back. Major red flag. Some people love the ego boost and go around collecting exes.

[HVW_Mark]

I think the context matters.

 

- Ex is brazenly disrespectful to his girlfriend.

- Ex wants to get back together with him and it's obvious.

- Ex hasn't been part of the social package from the beginning.

 

I can see why OP's feathers are ruffled, for sure. That was a fuse right there, that could have been clipped or lit.

 

And her boyfriend lit it when he invalidated her feelings and chose hanging out with an ex who he hasn't been hanging out with before, who wants in his pants and who disrespects his girlfriend, over his girlfriend's feelings.

 

To me that is different from getting together with someone who already hangs out with their ex as a friend, whose ex is respectful and genuinely sociable, and whose ex is not trying to get in their pants.

 

I agree with parts of this, personally I think the dude is a little dodgy here too. But I still 100% think let it play out. If he is dodgy, LET IT HAPPEN. She's better off finding out sooner rather than later. If you have to limit someone from who they see to maintain your relationship, what kind of relationship is that really?

 

I seriously cannot believe how many people are advising ultimatum's here (even though you're all saying they're not ultimatum's, I dont know what else you call them). The best thing about trust in a relationship is you don't have to worry! He either meets ex, doesn't cheat, and you don't have to worry, or he meets ex, cheats, and you don't have to worry cos he'll be gone! Wouldn't you rather get rid of that guy sooner rather than later if that's what he's prone too?

 

You are basically advising OP to have a relationship which has to be maintained by gf controlling who bf sees. That soudns like the most exhausting, untrsutworthy relationship in the world.

 

I agree he could have been more tactful in handling OP's feelings, but she has basically said "boyfriend, I don't trust you, so I'm controlling who you see". Id like to think Id have handled it better, but part of me would be pissed off too. And for sure, Yes he could have handled it better, given her more assurances, etc.., and he really should have cos he's caused a giant stink up now. but the conversation should still end with him being able to catch up with his ex as friends if he wishes too

Edited January 16, 2015 by HVW_Mark

[callingyouuu]

You are basically advising OP to have a relationship which has to be maintained by gf controlling who bf sees. That soudns like the most exhausting, untrsutworthy relationship in the world.

 

I agree that trust is important, but I don't think that means it's acceptable for my significant other to meet one-on-one with someone who doesn't respect our relationship. For me, "trust" is the extent to which I believe my partner won't put themselves in situations where they might do something that compromises the relationship. When the SO is obviously putting him/herself in that kind of situation like the boyfriend here, putting your foot down is not being controlling. It's standing up for the integrity of the relationship. I would expect my partner to do the same for me.

 

I'm not saying he shouldn't be ever allowed to talk with her. He should be amenable to suggestions where they both go and see her, and it's very fishy that he isn't.

 

He either meets ex, doesn't cheat, and you don't have to worry, or he meets ex, cheats, and you don't have to worry cos he'll be gone! Wouldn't you rather get rid of that guy sooner rather than later if that's what he's prone too?

 

Maybe being cheated on is trivial for you, but for the rest of us, it's a pretty traumatic experience. I don't blame the OP for trying to avoid it.

 

even though you're all saying they're not ultimatum's, I dont know what else you call them

 

I actually agree with your definition here. We are suggesting ultimatums. That doesn't make it wrong, though. In this situation, I feel it's a necessary part of preserving the relationship.

[FromAbove]

This is so manipulative. Do we not trust the boyfriend here or do we? If my girl and me were catching up with my ex in a group environment (which I agree, is perfectly reasonable) and she started being off the chart couply with me (with the basic premise of pissing off one of my friends) it would really annoy me and make me not want to hang out with them at the same time. It comes off as so insecure.

 

This all depends on how trustworthy your gf/bf is (only you know). Think about this, seriously. Can your bf/gf trust themselves? Do they have a strong character. Do they say and do what they say? Or are they very instable and wishy washy?

Now. If the answer is NO....then i would be on my guard...with them seeing their ex behind your back. No need to rationalise it and close your eyes, do something about it before its too late, take proper action. I think OP has all the right to question his bf's intentions. Why would he be risking their relationship for just an EX? OP, if you don't like what your bf does, walk away, he doesn't respect your feelings if he keeps defending himself. He should choose YOU over her EX.

Edited January 16, 2015 by FromAbove

[HVW_Mark]

This all depends on how trustworthy your gf/bf is (only you know). Think about this, seriously. Can your bf/gf trust themselves? Do they have a strong character. Do they say and do what they say? Or are they very instable and wishy washy?

Now. If the answer is NO....then i would be on my guard...with them seeing their ex behind your back. No need to rationalise it and close your eyes, do something about it before its too late, take proper action. I think OP has all the right to question his bf's intentions. Why would he be risking their relationship for just an EX? OP, if you don't like what your bf does, walk away, he doesn't respect your feelings if he keeps defending himself. He should choose YOU over her EX.

 

If they're that wishy washy and don't have the personal character to not cheat when they're put in an even slightly tempting situation, really, what hope is there? Hope they stuff up sooner rather than later so you can find someone worthy of you. If he doesn't say and do what he says on earth would we advise OP to stick around?, she could do so much better

 

I'm def not saying behind your back. That in itself is dodgy on their part and very suspicious. But I dont think OP's bf did it behind her back? I 100% agree she has the right to question his intentions.. but she did.. and he answered them, saying it was friends only! The problem is the answer made her insecure and now she's pissed off about not getting the answer she wanted.

 

Again, if the BF's that wishy washy that you have to take corrective action everytime he might be tempted, why is she putting herself through this? Put him out there, see how wishy washy he is. He either comes home and she never has to worry about wishy washyness again, or he ****s it up and she can find a guy who isn't so damn unreliable/unworthy of her.

[CALOVELY]

He has already shown you that your feelings on this do not matter and he is putting his relationship with her over his relationship with you. Walk away from this.

[HVW_Mark]

Maybe being cheated on is trivial for you, but for the rest of us, it's a pretty traumatic experience. I don't blame the OP for trying to avoid it.

It ****ing sucks. But if someone's prone to that, they're prone to it, and if they're not, they're not. There's countless examples of this. Better to know sooner. Are you really saying you'd rather walk around, patrolling boundaries the whole relationship and spending way too much time and energy worrying about where he is and what he's doing, rather than find a guy with whom you can relax and never worry, not matter who he's with or where he's around? <--- That to me is the type of relationship every woman should strive for, and my clients agree.

 

I coach high-self esteem dating here in Brisbane, and the girls I finish up with, while cheating still absolutely sucks for them, realise it's the dudes loss if he's so stupid, get right back on the horse and continue attracting high-value men to their amazing lives. If this guy is that dumb, it means OP you can look forward to meeting someone more worthy.

 

I'm not saying he shouldn't be ever allowed to talk with her. He should be amenable to suggestions where they both go and see her, and it's very fishy that he isn't.

I agree. I have no issue with them all hanging out. But if they're genuine friends (which I'm assuming they are, ie assuming the bf is trustworthy). It's also normal there will also be times where she's busy and they'll hang out one on one.

 

Maybe, and only because the bf didn't handle this so well/got too angry in the beginning, a good compromise could be they hang out as a trio for the first time.. then after that, no more issues with 1-on-1 from her. That to me is a reasonable compromise.

 

I agree that trust is important, but I don't think that means it's acceptable for my significant other to meet one-on-one with someone who doesn't respect our relationship. For me, "trust" is the extent to which I believe my partner won't put themselves in situations where they might do something that compromises the relationship.

Then we have a different definition of trust. Trust to me is the extent to which I believe my partner won't DO something that compromises the relationship, regardless of the situation.

[applej4]

He has already shown you that your feelings on this do not matter and he is putting his relationship with her over his relationship with you. Walk away from this.

 

THIS. Plain & simple.

[Nicole11]

I do agree he can talk to whomever he so chooses. However, I myself will not change my mind on meeting up with an ex one on one to 'catch up' is a disrespectful thing to do.

 

I agree people will cheat if that is who they are. This is NOT a trust him issue it is respect for MY feelings and beliefs. He can do what he so chooses but this woman is a deal breaker for me. I've said it, I meant it. What is pissing me off is even this AM he brings up that it would not be a date if they met up for lunch or what ever. I told him I did not want to talk about it anymore, we just go round in circles, he knows how I feel and I am not going to change my mind.

 

I will stick to my guns, he goes and meets her? I will cut him out of my life with the precision of a surgeon. Its not trust, its RESPECT.

[callingyouuu]

Are you really saying you'd rather walk around, patrolling boundaries the whole relationship and spending way too much time and energy worrying about where he is and what he's doing, rather than find a guy with whom you can relax and never worry, not matter who he's with or where he's around?

 

No. By default I'd assume that my SO won't put herself in situations that lead to poor choices. When it's becoming clear that she doesn't hold the same regard for protecting our relationship from people who expressly want it to fall apart, then I have reason to be concerned.

 

If this guy is that dumb, it means OP you can look forward to meeting someone more worthy.

 

Generally speaking, this is always true. I just don't think you have to be cheated on first to exercise that right.

 

Edit: To be clear, I don't think that all cheaters are all "prone" to cheating as others believe. I think perfectly good, moral people are subject to weakness. For example, most murderers aren't sociopaths; they're just regular people who acted poorly on a very emotional moment in their lives. It's our responsibility to make sure we minimize the time we spend in situations where we might do something dumb.

Edited January 16, 2015 by callingyouuu

[Nicole11]

Well, this has been a very interesting set of responses.

 

He brought it up AGAIN at lunch! I said I don't want to talk about it, all it does is go round and round. I said what I had to say, the rest is up to you.

 

 

So, we shall see..................

[CALOVELY]

Well, this has been a very interesting set of responses.

 

He brought it up AGAIN at lunch! I said I don't want to talk about it, all it does is go round and round. I said what I had to say, the rest is up to you.

 

 

So, we shall see..................

 

Why are you letting him make the decisions? He already is in contact with her, despite knowing your wishes. He continued and now you are waiting to see if he will meet up face to face? Take back your control. This guy has already shown he values the relationship with the other woman over you, even confirming it today. Walk away.

[Standard-Fare]

HVW_Mark's perspective has been interesting, and Nicole11, to me, it has helped me see that your issue IS about trust, whether or not you want to see that.

 

HVW_Mark has a similar scenario with his GF but he doesn't let it bother him because he trusts her completely. But Nicole, with you, it's a situation that causes stress, unease, and fights.

 

Nicole, what exactly are you worried about with this relationship between your BF and his ex? Are there doubts in your mind that he will remain faithful to you? Do you think his ex is capable of persuading him to cheat? How and why do you think his spending time with her is a violation to YOUR relationship?

 

I'm not saying your feelings aren't valid. I'm just pointing out that something's going on here beneath the surface, and it has to do with you not feeling rock-solid about your BF's inner workings.

[Nicole11]

I don't trust that this woman throws herself at him, she has said some pretty crappy things about me and I feel threatened by her, but it doesnt matter anymore. The past two weeks have been gut wrenching for me. I believed he loved me too. NO way can he. No way.

 

He went for lunch with her, hes with her now. I blocked his number. Its over. He clearly cares more for her. He can have her. I dont' want to talk to him or see him. I am leaving work early, grabbing my dogs and I am going out of town for the weekend.

 

THREE times today he brought this up. THREE times I said I won't stick around if he goes and sees her. He is at effen lunch with her right now. I will NEVER talk to him again. I have learned from the past when another woman is calling and they hang out? they are cheating, either way? I will never put myself in that position again, and here I am. I do NOT forgive this kind of thing, it meant that much to me and I mean nothing to him.

 

I had a feeling, so I drove through town like a freaken stalker! And sure enough! They are at lunch. I blocked his number, he has no idea I saw him.

 

My heart is so tight and I am trying hard not to cry. I just want to get out of the office before anyone sees me struggling right now. Thank you all for such good advice. I appreciate it.

[Winterina]

I don't trust that this woman throws herself at him, she has said some pretty crappy things about me and I feel threatened by her, but it doesnt matter anymore. The past two weeks have been gut wrenching for me. I believed he loved me too. NO way can he. No way.

 

He went for lunch with her, hes with her now. I blocked his number. Its over. He clearly cares more for her. He can have her. I dont' want to talk to him or see him. I am leaving work early, grabbing my dogs and I am going out of town for the weekend.

 

THREE times today he brought this up. THREE times I said I won't stick around if he goes and sees her. He is at effen lunch with her right now. I will NEVER talk to him again. I have learned from the past when another woman is calling and they hang out? they are cheating, either way? I will never put myself in that position again, and here I am. I do NOT forgive this kind of thing, it meant that much to me and I mean nothing to him.

 

I had a feeling, so I drove through town like a freaken stalker! And sure enough! They are at lunch. I blocked his number, he has no idea I saw him.

 

My heart is so tight and I am trying hard not to cry. I just want to get out of the office before anyone sees me struggling right now. Thank you all for such good advice. I appreciate it.

 

 

Good for you! you do not need someone who will frustrate you and put his lunch with an ex ahead of you, entire relationship, and your feelings. Look, there are exes and exes. Some are just people from the past and some can be even friends. But the precondition for that is that there are no feelings whatsoever between the ex and your partner. In your case, this is clearly not so. If he put you through all that knowingly, then he chose his faith and he was not a friend to you at all. Not a good partner for life You are hurt now but it will pass. And don't let him sweet talk you into the relationship again... He has shown his character already, and fool you twice...

[Standard-Fare]

Aww, I'm sorry about the outcome of this. How did you find out they were going to lunch together? I assume they were alone? And that he lied about it?

 

He's definitely given you good reason NOT to trust him. And, as you've said, he's shown you a total lack of respect.

 

You're right to pack your bags. He needs to see that you're for real. I hope it forces him to come to his senses.

[Nicole11]

I just had this odd feeling, so I volunteered to do the running today for work and drove around looking for his truck...and hers and sure enough. I found them. He had told me earlier he was going back to work. I just 'felt' it, I felt that he was with her and when I saw the two vehicles? Even though I knew I would, it was like my head spun, my heart got tight and I just want to cry. I am holding it together and wishing like hell my boss would get his **** done so I can go. I doubt he will show up here. I don't know what will happen when he calls my phone, but his number is now blocked. I just want to go away. We have had so much fun, I thought so anyways.

 

I know exactly what he would say " we are just friends, you are over reacting" no, I don't believe I am at all.

[CALOVELY]

I don't trust that this woman throws herself at him, she has said some pretty crappy things about me and I feel threatened by her, but it doesnt matter anymore. The past two weeks have been gut wrenching for me. I believed he loved me too. NO way can he. No way.

 

He went for lunch with her, hes with her now. I blocked his number. Its over. He clearly cares more for her. He can have her. I dont' want to talk to him or see him. I am leaving work early, grabbing my dogs and I am going out of town for the weekend.

 

THREE times today he brought this up. THREE times I said I won't stick around if he goes and sees her. He is at effen lunch with her right now. I will NEVER talk to him again. I have learned from the past when another woman is calling and they hang out? they are cheating, either way? I will never put myself in that position again, and here I am. I do NOT forgive this kind of thing, it meant that much to me and I mean nothing to him.

 

I had a feeling, so I drove through town like a freaken stalker! And sure enough! They are at lunch. I blocked his number, he has no idea I saw him.

 

My heart is so tight and I am trying hard not to cry. I just want to get out of the office before anyone sees me struggling right now. Thank you all for such good advice. I appreciate it.

 

You did the right thing. If this woman was "just a friend" he would not have been so defensive and bringing her up so much, nor would he have insisted on keeping this ex in his life. I am willing to bet he will be dating her openly soon. This was never as innocent as he made it out to be. I am very sorry you are hurting. Stay strong and take care of yourself.

[callingyouuu]

I'm sorry you had to experience this. Stay strong, and I wish you the best.

[applej4]

So sorry Nicole. You did the right thing.

[Timshel]

You are doing the right thing. Please trust yourself.

 

You are right, he will tell you that you are making too much out of it. He will tell you that you are being crazy. That this is something you have created.

 

Bullsh**t, total crap. I have read your story here and everything you have said makes perfect sense. You actually put up with too much already.

 

There will be someone else for you. Let them have their game alone with each other now. It's the best way to take yourself back. Let them step in their own crap, sweetie, despite your pain, stand back and watch it happen.

 

I know that you will be ok because you are a smart girl. I am sorry that you feel pain now but it will pass.

 

When one door closes...better will open.

[Blade96]

If she really loved him, she would respect the relationship and just be his friend. Look here, [people, I still love and miss my LDR ex from Belarus every day. I told him I still love him, always will. But I also told him I respect his new relationship and that he realized he could not leave his home, his culture, his family - and go to canada. And he has a job that he loves, working as an actor at the film studio. I have several mutual friends through him, and I met him through another mutual actor friend I`m good friends with for a year and one month now. Since I did tell him yeah I was upset about it, I also told him I respect his new relationship. Since then, weeks ago, I have only written him once, to say hi how are you. If you love someone you want what makes them happy. And - so - we are still friends. He has called me one of his best friends. And I also will tell him if this girl does not treat him well, I will buy a plane ticket and get her lol He is a good guy, and deserves someone nice. I hope he finds it. He is respectful of his new girl - has not said anything to me since that is disrespectful to her. And I the same.

 

This girl seems different. You said she throws herself at your bf. That's not respoectful. If she loved him truly, she'd be a good friend and that means being a good friend of the relationship.

 

I'd say dump him too. And well it seems like you did. You can still be in love with your ex - but if you're a good person, you'd show you truly love and respect him, by being a good friend to him and his new relationship. This chick is neither one.