I just can't do this!

[Downtown]

Harmony, thanks for returning to give us another update. I'm glad to hear you're getting so much satisfaction from raising your children, providing them with a first-rate education, growing your own food in the field, and doing all the maintenance on your car.

 

I'm also glad to hear you and your psychiatrist figured out what was amplifying the effects of the pain killers -- my foster son also has taken Neurontin in the past for his bipolar-1 and seizures. On the other hand, I'm sorry that your W's anger has continued to build. Best of luck, by the way, with the upcoming knee surgery. The healing process should now go far more smoothly without having the Neurontin around to cause you grief.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

The healing process should now go far more smoothly without having the Neurontin around to cause you grief.

 

This is very true, not to mention the grief I cause others in that strange state. I am very VERY grateful to my doctor for taking the time to actually treat me.

 

I too am sorry for my wife's anger. Everyone has their respective limits and honestly I am surprised she made it as long as she did. Despite our differences we are still managing to at least keep our contempt for each other hidden from the kids.

 

Gotta keep truckin I guess!

[HarmonyInDisonance]

Well, the longer I take my current regimen the more I seem to stabilize. Feeling normal for me is almost intoxicating. I can think clearly, I feel no undue anger and I even seem to have gotten more out of my 7 hours of sleep.

 

It's nice, but also fleeting. If you've seen the notebook, it is a little like that. Though not as severe, I am aware when I am stable. Aware also that it never lasts. I can remember things, (well about half the time) that I cannot understand. An example would be throwing a book at my wife. I remember, I know I did it, but I can't imagine doing it. I cannot reconnect to the logic that made such an act acceptable at that time. I've said it a hundred times and I'll say it a hundred more; its like waking up to find some ******* took your body for a joy ride and your stuck with the aftermath. Sometimes its so bad that I literally have a chunk of memory missing all together.

 

Well Carpe diem I suppose. Worry not for tomorrow for tomorrow may never come.

 

Thanks again everyone, posting these things here is a sort of therapy for me. Not only does it serve as a running diagnostic, It also gives me the opportunity to see my own perspective against the backdrop of other perspectives. I suppose as you said downtown, I have some things to be proud of. While I might get an A for effort, I am still primarily concerned with results. I realize now though that I can't fix everything. My wife hates me, and that is her choice. Its time I start putting my energy in to something that I can affect.

 

Thanks again for all the support, I think I will get on later and go lurking around. I want to try and give back. What you people have done here is something I have never seen. People actually helping people, FOR FREE! I come from a rather cold hearted family where even mentioning ones inner turmoil was met with commands to be strong and suck it up.

 

Well, back to work I suppose.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

Hi Harmony. Were you aware of a new treatment for PTSD called stellate ganglion block? It's been around for awhile for pain but about four years ago a doctor applied it to a car accident survivor who also happend to have PTSD and it helped. The new thing going around is that PTSD is a nerve injury where nerves become extra sensitive and this block numbs the nerves long enough for the nerves to calm down.

 

Here's a video of patient stories for you:

 

I hope you get better as best you can.

 

I have heard of this. I know pstd is very likely the underlying root of my BPD and abandonment issues in general. Seeing a kid killed right in front of you for being white will leave a mark. A couple weeks later they almost got me, and it would be the first of many attempts. More people than I could count beat me severely. A few weeks after leaving the infirmary it happened again this time three people tried to pull me into a cell and stab me. I take a bit of pride in the fact that I messed them up good. Those experiences are still with me everyday. It may sound a little strange this day and age, but for a time, I was more comfortable in a fist fight than talking. I cannot shake the grip these events have had on me. I will talk to my Doc about this next time I go. Thank BTW for the link, fascinating!