Author agoodperson Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 agoodperson- I am new to this forum but not new to this problem. Your wife is showing all the classic signs of having an affair. ILYBINILWY is in their handbook; along with an obsession with their phone and locking it down like fort Knox. It's all pretty standard stuff. Just know these things: 1. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it. Pay particular attention to that last point. No adult can control how another adult acts. This is an especially important point to remember if you stumble upon any full fledged members of the Reconciliation Industrial Complex. Members of that club may try to tell you that if you do "the 180" and "Make the marriage a happier place to be" and she will come around. Not true. 2. Once someone you love starts sleeping with someone that isn't their spouse, they make unilateral choices about the health, finances and family. You have no say in the matter. They should be treated accordingly. 3. When there are problems in a marriage, people have a whole host of honest choices they can make, starting with communication. If that doesn't work alone, perhaps marriage counseling. If all else fails, then divorce. Notice having an affair isn't mentioned in those honest options. We get married of our own free will and it's remarkably easy to procure a hasty divorce in the US and most other countries-there is no excuse for cheating. 4. Cheaters only cop to what they think you know. Trust your gut. Based on what you've said you have your suspicions. That's all you need. Proof is only helpful if it will leverage a better divorce settlement. Other than that it just brings mind numbing pain. Go with your gut. 5. Take care of yourself and try to go as "no contact" as humanly possible. The only conversations you should have with your wife now should be handled with professionalism. Only money and the kids. Kids schedules can actually be put on "Google Calendars" so you don't even have to discuss that. Make your life as drama free as possible. 6. Grieve when you feel it. Don't bury the feelings because eventually they wind up burying you. Just remember that just like all good things come to an end, so does pain. It is finite. 7. You sound like a nice guy. You will make it through this and you will thrive. 8. Sleep in the middle of the bed. It makes you feel less alone. It has been a few days and here is an update. I have found the proof I needed without her knowing yet that she cheated. I now actually have the guys name and address and phone number. I live in a fault state for divorce and I believe this proof I have is plenty. (Lawyer has stated it is) she completely denies there are no other guys when I asked her calmly one more time. (I did not tell her I now knew everything) I explained that I would be okay with hearing the truth if there was another guy. She yelled and said there wasnt. Worse part is the guy was arrested for meth a few years back and I am just about positive she doesn't know. He lives halfway across the country as well...that is why she went to vegas. He came to my state over summer...have that proof as well. Totally sickening. There is much more, but I can tell you that knowing the right people helps you to discover these things. It was hard to find out...but now I am starting to heal. What do I do now? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mikei880 Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Whatigained gave you some really good advice! The only thing I would expand on is #5, along with that is do not allow her to use you for emotional support. At some time she is going to start dumping on you about her personal life, just walk away or hang up the phone.you are not that person any more. Now what? The most important people in your life now are: you , your kids (family too) and your attorney. Do not get into an arguements with her, do not try to use logic, do not reason with her.She is running on pure emotion now. If you cant agree between youselves how to handle the "business" of seperating, let the lawyers handle it. Your best revenge will be to live a killer life for yourself and kids! Have fun and enjoy life, find new hobbies or do something that you weren't previously able to do. Live in the moment but look 2 years in the future of what life will be, it may look scary now , but ill bet anything that it will turn out waaaaaay better than you think it will now. A lot of us have been there , you WILL make it! Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Keep your lip zipped about everything you have learned. You are no longer hang'in in the dark, wishing and wondering, as she relied on to carry on her nasty business in secret. She is soon to find out it can be used against her, once she visits her own attorney. Once she tells her attorney, that attorney (if he/she is honest), as an Officer of the Court, CANNOT allow your wife to lie about what she has done. She won't know that FACT until she has already opened her mouth to the attorney. Best she can do is plead the 5th, but that looks bad in the face of your evidence. See, that's how it works, cornered like the dirty rat she is - just play it smart. Giving her clues that you are on to her cheating will thwart yours (and your contact's) abilities to continue collecting information and evidence that will be useful leverage in mediation, negotiation and/or Court. I'm sorry. But I can tell you, knowing and seeing the proof will help you move on in the future. It is a mystery solved - that will not remain unanswered in your mind for years to follow. Even though, the truth has to be devistating; the truth is better faced than false hope. The truth gets you real. One step at a time. Stay totally cool. Yas 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 This is all a legal issue now so SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!! do not talk to her anymore unless it has something to do with the kids. Everything else must be filtered through your attorney. Do not do anything or say anything to her or anyone without going through your attorney. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES CONFRONT HER OR ASK HER ABOUT THE AFFAIR!!!!!!. Keep your proof locked up and secret. Preferably kept locked up by your attorney. That is your trump card. Guard it with your life. Everything now is about protecting yourself and your assets legally. She has been planning this for months and is several steps ahead of you. You must now be smart and decisive and play catch up. You will be tempted to try to work things out or to try to be nice with her. You will also be tempted to confront her about what you know. DO NOT DO IT!!! Don't do anything without the expressed direction of your attorney! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Are you going to go for sole custody with minimal parenting time for Wife now? Unfit parent? Sounds like you might have cause, but what does you lawyer say? Does your state allow a different property division if you show fault? I'm really curious since my state was a no-fault and a 50/50 property division state. Good luck. This must be hard. Link to post Share on other sites
chew123 Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Glad you found out the truth and that you live in an at fault state. Now you can begin to move forward. Listen to your lawyer and don't let her know. Like everyone has told you don't confront her. That will only give her information to use against you. I can tell you my wife thought I would never find out and treated me badly in order to try and get me to want the divorce. I did find out and it helped me in closure but not financially since I live in a no fault state. I made the mistake of consuming alcohol a few times and things got confrontational. If you do drink be careful and make sure you do not contact her when you are not at you best. Good luck man, you deserve better and you will get through this. I recommend you visit the chumplady website for some information on dealing with cheating spouses. Though it is a little tongue n cheek, her blog helped me realize how badly I had been treated, that I did not deserve it, and to never take her back. Link to post Share on other sites
Deidre Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 I'd take your dignity, and let her leave. Protect yourself, get a VERY GOOD attorney. I didn't read through the whole thread, so not sure how far along things have progressed now. I think that she did find someone else. Beware. When that thing falls apart, and it will...she will crawl back...I hope you will be strong enough to not take her back. Sending some hugs and good thoughts your way. Link to post Share on other sites
Deidre Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 It has been a few days and here is an update. I have found the proof I needed without her knowing yet that she cheated. I now actually have the guys name and address and phone number. I live in a fault state for divorce and I believe this proof I have is plenty. (Lawyer has stated it is) she completely denies there are no other guys when I asked her calmly one more time. (I did not tell her I now knew everything) I explained that I would be okay with hearing the truth if there was another guy. She yelled and said there wasnt. Worse part is the guy was arrested for meth a few years back and I am just about positive she doesn't know. He lives halfway across the country as well...that is why she went to vegas. He came to my state over summer...have that proof as well. Totally sickening. There is much more, but I can tell you that knowing the right people helps you to discover these things. It was hard to find out...but now I am starting to heal. What do I do now? Oh, I see this update now, after posting my original reply. I'm glad you found out the truth, even though it hurts a lot, I'm sure. I hope things work out for you in the best possible way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author agoodperson Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 Are you going to go for sole custody with minimal parenting time for Wife now? Unfit parent? Sounds like you might have cause, but what does you lawyer say? Does your state allow a different property division if you show fault? I'm really curious since my state was a no-fault and a 50/50 property division state. Good luck. This must be hard. I live in a fault state. I am not trying to take the kids away from her. But I do want them sleeping in my home and her having them half the days and me having them the other half of days. They need a mother...the only problem I have is her morals. She is cheating and lying to her own family and she is with some young kid who was arrested for meth 4 years ago. Now he lives halfway across the country...but they have met up 4 times in the last 7 months. So her next trip will probably be around easter if I know her. I am keeping my knowledge to myself at this point. It is a terrible thing I am going through...hurts everytime I have to think about it. (Did she use Protection?) So many more questions but not as much pain now that I realize what is going on. Everyone's words are very helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Of course she DID NOT use protection. That's no fun. You better schedule HIV and STD test with MD, like ASAP. Yas Link to post Share on other sites
Author agoodperson Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 It is weird to read through my posts and see how things are changing since she told me she was leaving. "Why" was the only thing I could think about. Why would she do this to me and the kids? There were no good answers that she gave. I suffered at her hands now for almost 2 weeks. It hurts everyday. I sleep only a few hours a night now. I am angry half the time and saddened the other half. Selfishness is too light a term to use for what she did to the kids and me. I realize, now that I am thinking with a clearer head, that she is running on hope and adrenaline that life with a man 17 years her younger will give her that thrill in life that her former life could not. It is not easy to do, but I am trying to piece my life back one minute at a time. Unfortunately, I am not able to use my sources for anymore information about their affair. (It was a one time favor) but I have all I need for court to prove her dirty deeds. Crazy world when you can't even trust the person you love the most. Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 So many more questions but not as much pain now that I realize what is going on. Everyone's words are very helpful. Some questions you will never be able to answer, but some you can. For example, I would see a doctor and get tested to make sure she hasn't exposed you to any health risks through this behavior. I am glad to hear you are in less pain now that you know the truth. It will still be hard, to be sure, but keep reminding yourself that you deserve better. Every time you think of her, tell yourself that you deserve better, because you do. And something better IS right around the corner. You just can't see it right now because of everything that is going on right in front of you. Once you get through this, you will be a stronger, better person, wiser and more equipped to make someone else happy and enjoy your life and be a great father to your kids. Good luck and keep posting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DivorcedDad123 Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER. If you do, her adultery will mean nothing in court. It will mean you have forgiven her,since you knew that adultery had taken place. That's about all I can add. Looks like you've got your bases covered. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 It is weird to read through my posts and see how things are changing since she told me she was leaving. "Why" was the only thing I could think about. Why would she do this to me and the kids? There were no good answers that she gave. I suffered at her hands now for almost 2 weeks. It hurts everyday. I sleep only a few hours a night now. I am angry half the time and saddened the other half. Selfishness is too light a term to use for what she did to the kids and me. I realize, now that I am thinking with a clearer head, that she is running on hope and adrenaline that life with a man 17 years her younger will give her that thrill in life that her former life could not. It is not easy to do, but I am trying to piece my life back one minute at a time. Unfortunately, I am not able to use my sources for anymore information about their affair. (It was a one time favor) but I have all I need for court to prove her dirty deeds. Crazy world when you can't even trust the person you love the most. Thinking of you mate, she has acted disgustingly towards you and your kids and your famlity, go easy on yourself and try not to think too much it will tie you in knots and revolt you at the same time, you are going to take a long time to come to terms with this and to experience the full amount of emotions that goes with it, take your time don't put too much pressure on yourself and do the best you can to sleep, eat, even drink but be careful with the booze. Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER. If you do, her adultery will mean nothing in court. It will mean you have forgiven her,since you knew that adultery had taken place. That's about all I can add. Looks like you've got your bases covered. I don't think it even an issue, he sounds a decent bloke if he's anything like me he would rather put his meat and two in a blender rather than have sex with a cheating whore Link to post Share on other sites
DivorcedDad123 Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 "I don't think it even an issue, he sounds a decent bloke if he's anything like me he would rather put his meat and two in a blender rather than have sex with a cheating whore " People have a funny way of letting their emotions/and or horniness take over though. She may come begging and try to seduce him,or she may play the "lets reconcile" card once it's out in the open. And lets face it,it's going to be a LONG process once the ball gets rolling. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 I live in a fault state. I am not trying to take the kids away from her. But I do want them sleeping in my home and her having them half the days and me having them the other half of days. They need a mother...the only problem I have is her morals. She is cheating and lying to her own family and she is with some young kid who was arrested for meth 4 years ago. Now he lives halfway across the country...but they have met up 4 times in the last 7 months. So her next trip will probably be around easter if I know her. I am keeping my knowledge to myself at this point. It is a terrible thing I am going through...hurts everytime I have to think about it. (Did she use Protection?) So many more questions but not as much pain now that I realize what is going on. Everyone's words are very helpful. So you’re still on the same page about PT. Yeah, her morals and judgment are a big problem. I wouldn't want my kids around a guy like that, and I’d want to protect them. Ask your lawyer what protections can be put into a judgment or decree. He or she should give you direct answers about the effect of this situation, and be candid about likely final outcomes in your case, what terms can be included in a consent judgment or decree to protect you and your kids, the costs of various options, the risks of trial and having a judge make decisions- before you've sunk tens of thousands of dollars. I don’t want to pile on, but (sorry) I just don't trust divorce lawyers, the adversarial litigation process itself or the divorce industry- at all. It can grind up people, college and retirement funds, and leave people worse off and angrier with no better outcome. Often judges are simply swamped by the volume of their caseload they don’t even have the time to study cases, reflect and craft decisions for best outcome all the time, no matter how much they want to. I prefer negotiation with honest, smart, experienced advocates. I'm really glad you have a counselor. Wishing the best for you and your kiddos. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 The proof that you have is your Ace in the hole. Protect it like Fort Knox and keep quit about it. See an attorney. When it comes time to go to the bargaining table. Your attorney will have to share that information with her lawyer and then you got her. You can, more than likely, dictate what you want and how you want things going down. Her attorney won't want to take this to court if you have proof of adultery and an ongoing relationship with a convicted felon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author agoodperson Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 I want to thank everyone for their well wishes and advice. It is painful to go through this, but I am finding that the more support I have around me, the stronger I feel. I would love for this to be over so I can move on with my life, but this is not going to happen quickly. It has been very hard to work with these emotions running through me. (I teach high school) I try to act like the fun happy guy I was before this...just can't do it. I feel this has changed me for the worse for the time being. I no longer see the positive in everyone. I think about how they could destroy someone someday. Weird...I know. I realize I will trust again, but never to the point I did with her. She says wants to be good friends but doesn't ask me how I am coping. She just wants stuff from the house. Hard to deal with this...that much I can tell you. I thank you all for keeping my mind occupied with your feedback. It is a break from an otherwise gloomy world. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Sorry to ask this, dude. But, How did you find out about this other guy with her out of the house? Normally when that happens, it makes it a hell of a lot more difficult to get any information when they're not there and you can't catch them in a slip up? Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 You're coming out of this stronger and wiser. This is a good thing! Don't be sad about it. Realize that someday, when you do trust someone again, you'll be trusting someone who you've seen through your new eyes and who actually deserves your trust! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author agoodperson Posted January 17, 2015 Author Share Posted January 17, 2015 You're coming out of this stronger and wiser. This is a good thing! Don't be sad about it. Realize that someday, when you do trust someone again, you'll be trusting someone who you've seen through your new eyes and who actually deserves your trust! Thank you...that cheered me up. My kids are spending their first night over there and I am here alone. (Which sucks) it still blows my mind that 10 days ago...my family was happy and celebrating life like champions. Crazy how things change so quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
whatigained Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Like everyone else said-keep whatever proof you have to yourself. You are officially an adversary in a war that your wife started. Treat her like the cunning opponent she is and don't waver! It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders but I know this all sucks big time. And you're right about something else-our lives can change with every breath we take. If I've learned nothing else about this experience it's to learn to live in the moment and to not take for granted anything I have because I know it can disappear in less than a heart beat. That's not a bad realization though; a sobering one perhaps but it's a truth we all live. Sending support your way lemaym1.wordpress.com/ Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Thank you...that cheered me up. My kids are spending their first night over there and I am here alone. (Which sucks) it still blows my mind that 10 days ago...my family was happy and celebrating life like champions. Crazy how things change so quickly. The first few times my kids went to their fathers on the weekend I was just..off. The house was too quiet, I didn't have kid care to do, I didn't have anything to do. Then something wonderful happened. I realized I could do me things. I could sit in my jammies and eat ice cream while watching horror flicks. I could soak in the tub uninterrupted and read. I could girl out by giving myself a mani-pedi, do my brows, and my hair. I could go out with friends without having to arrange a sitter and get the kids ready first. I still missed them here and there while they were gone. And I worried since their father is about as responsible as your average toddler. But I looked at the bright side. I could take some me time while the kids were away and then be refreshed and a much better parent when they came home. Link to post Share on other sites
Author agoodperson Posted January 18, 2015 Author Share Posted January 18, 2015 Thanks for the comment. At this point, I don't expect her to admit anything. She has way to much to lose with the extended family and coworkers. I think about how she denied that there was any other guys and she flat out told me 6 different times that she never talked to a guy besides me. The pain is still there, but it is more anger than anything. I have paid off all the bills that were in both are names and now have a little bit of work to do financially to get this thing rolling. I am probably going to have to keep this thing a secret for about a month because she has to sign a ton documents for me business. I believe her guilt is making her just rush this thing along. But do I even want a divorce? Should I wait the 2 years or does it help me financially to get it over quick? If I wait, I don't pay a thing and stop her from re marrying the cheater. (Which is what I bet she wants) the clouds are still in my mind, but not as thick. (Which is not good for her) I still joked with her today, but it made me sick to my stomach to do it. (For my kids Link to post Share on other sites
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