clevelander321 Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I am sorry about your situation. I would not wish this type of pain on anyone. It is worse than death. With death, you understand that it is over. This has no answers and even less closure. I will use this thread as a way to help myself heal by writing to awesome people. It has made me a bit stronger...that is the first positive I have had in a while emotionally. It helps me to realize that it was not my fault,and I could not be the "perfect" enough husband to keep her around forever.. I was already feeling like our marriage was becoming a one way street. Get the legal stuff in order, and by the time she wants to come back, and she probably will, you will not even want her anymore.
whichwayisup Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 she is 42...I'm 40. We had sex once a week rarely twice. We were...what I thought...very happy. Plenty of cash...straight a kiddos...and a beautiful home with four cars. I'm a good looking man who spoiled the Crap out of her. This is why I'm so confused.she swears it is just a ton of little things that added up to her not being attracted to me anymore over a long period of time. I swear it is someone else online away from here. I may never know the truth. She loves the kids and that is why I'm really surprised at her leaving. I couldn't imagine leaving them half the week. I have talked to a lawyer since she is filling out the paperwork right now with all my demands met. It is very strange to say the least. I am being fair but don't quite get why she doesn't want lawyers involved since I would end up paying anyways. Is that weird or just me? Hate to ask, but if there is an affair what if they met up. Is it possible she's pregnant? Just very odd that she's allowing you more or less full custody and leaving her life with you and the kids behind. She is choosing someone else (fantasy guy, let's say) over you and the kids, reality. Something is off here, if it's not an affair is she ill? But then you say she seems very happy.. You could hire a PI... 2
clevelander321 Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Hate to ask, but if there is an affair what if they met up. Is it possible she's pregnant? Just very odd that she's allowing you more or less full custody and leaving her life with you and the kids behind. She is choosing someone else (fantasy guy, let's say) over you and the kids, reality. Something is off here, if it's not an affair is she ill? But then you say she seems very happy.. You could hire a PI... The part that stood out to me was that she is willing to only see her children 2 out of 14 days..
Chi townD Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Another thing you can do is start re-decorating the house. Buy new furniture or move the furniture around to new locations. Put fresh paint up on the walls. Colors that YOU like. Take down all pics of you two together and put up artwork that YOU like. Take a room or the basement and start turning it into a awesome man cave. Get new kitchen appliances. New carpeting in colors you like. Basically, if your STBXW walks in the house, she'll have to walk back out and look at the numbers on the side of the house to ensure she entered in the right house. See, women pride themselves in making a house into a home. With you making changes to the house might smack her out of her fog a little bit. Might wake her up to the fact that her family is moving on. And more importantly, without her. That she's being phased out. That nothing in that house will remind anyone in it of her existence. Could be a awake up call.
ralfgarnett Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I am sorry about your situation. I would not wish this type of pain on anyone. It is worse than death. With death, you understand that it is over. This has no answers and even less closure. I will use this thread as a way to help myself heal by writing to awesome people. It has made me a bit stronger...that is the first positive I have had in a while emotionally. Yes your correct it is worse than death, if your spouse had died before any of this blew up then you would know that she died loving you, but as with so many of us its our beloved marriages that have died and they are the perpetrators they have kiiled our hopes, dreams, futures, and most of what we hold dear, but we are still alive we have the ability to cope and deal with it but it is not easy and seems to take a hell of a long time, I am in counselling and it is basically grief counselling that we go through, look mate im not going to pretend its easy its not its purgatory but you will get better bit by bit, you are still in shock you need to mourn, cry, talk, think, sleep, eat, and look after yourself the best you can for yours and your kids sake, I am not going to say stop thinking about your wife because you cant right now, I woke up this morning thinking about mine and how she could do this to me, just take your time, be kind to yourself, and don't be hard on yourself, keep posting we are all here for you and for each other, good luck.
Author agoodperson Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 The part that stood out to me was that she is willing to only see her children 2 out of 14 days.. I have to clarify a little bit here. She still gets the kids half the days. But on school days, she brings them home by 8:30 so they can sleep in there own beds and stick to the same routine that they are use to. So the actually only stay over night with here 2 out 14 days. The Summers Will Be Split evenly.
Author agoodperson Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 Another thing you can do is start re-decorating the house. Buy new furniture or move the furniture around to new locations. Put fresh paint up on the walls. Colors that YOU like. Take down all pics of you two together and put up artwork that YOU like. Take a room or the basement and start turning it into a awesome man cave. Get new kitchen appliances. New carpeting in colors you like. Basically, if your STBXW walks in the house, she'll have to walk back out and look at the numbers on the side of the house to ensure she entered in the right house. See, women pride themselves in making a house into a home. With you making changes to the house might smack her out of her fog a little bit. Might wake her up to the fact that her family is moving on. And more importantly, without her. That she's being phased out. That nothing in that house will remind anyone in it of her existence. Could be a awake up call. This is interesting. I had to keep busy the day she moved out and redid the basement to keep my preoccupied. She seemed upset that I made it look a ton different and nicer. Now I see why. I may just take your advice if just only to get a fresh start in a new life. 1
Author agoodperson Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 It helps me to realize that it was not my fault,and I could not be the "perfect" enough husband to keep her around forever.. I was already feeling like our marriage was becoming a one way street. Get the legal stuff in order, and by the time she wants to come back, and she probably will, you will not even want her anymore. The one way street is a solid representation of how I feel. She is good with the kids but didn't want to work at making our relationship stronger. That is the part that is hard to swallow.
ralfgarnett Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 (edited) The one way street is a solid representation of how I feel. She is good with the kids but didn't want to work at making our relationship stronger. That is the part that is hard to swallow. Yep so many of us feel this way, how can they just leave and not even try to put tings right in our perfect relationships ?, it is very hurtful and hard to understand, marriage is scared and a wonderful thing and for them to just throw it all away is very hard to understand for a loving doting husband, have you been reading Ken More's thread, he makes a lot of sense aboiut WWS and he and I have bonded and have very meaningful discussions about our situations which are quite similar, you will find that thread here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/509472-knocking-them-off-pedestal Edited January 13, 2015 by ralfgarnett
KBarletta Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 The one way street is a solid representation of how I feel. She is good with the kids but didn't want to work at making our relationship stronger. That is the part that is hard to swallow. I feel this sentiment exactly. To the core of my bones. It's the absolute hardest part to come to terms with, for sure. What you have to remember is this: It was up to both of you to make the relationship work, but only up to one of you to end it. You can't do anything to force her to work on things. You are not at fault for what happened between you two, and is totally out of your control. All you can do is work on you and be there for your kids. It's a hard pill to swallow, for sure. But one of two things will happen as you more forward: 1. You work on being a better person and a better dad. At some point, you will fully move on and heal and be happy again (it WILL happen). Better things will come along and you live your life on your terms. 2. You work on being a better person and a better dad. At some point, she will recognize what she lost and come back and the ball will be in your court to accept or reject that situation, completely on your terms. Either way, YOU win. Hang in there and keep posting!
oldshirt Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I have to clarify a little bit here. She still gets the kids half the days. But on school days, she brings them home by 8:30 so they can sleep in there own beds and stick to the same routine that they are use to. So the actually only stay over night with here 2 out 14 days. The Summers Will Be Split evenly. You may think that she is being considerate of the kids and cooperative with custody, but what she is actually doing is shirking off the kids onto you so she can be with OM. She putting the kids off on to you so she can have the freedom to have fun and screw around. Don't fall for it. If she wants to be single, let her be a single mother instead along with all of the responsibilities and hardships that entails. Reject her custody proposal and demand 50/50 joint custody and make her have have them for the full 24 hour periods of her custody. If she can date and screw around and have fun, so should you. This will give you half of your nights free to get out and date and move on with your life also instead of being her nanny so she can screw other guys. As I said in my earlier post, this is part of a plan they have been working for months. The OM is planning on her being free from family entanglements. Once he realizes her little love nest is going to have kids living in it 50 % of the time! it will change his tune real fast. 3
Author agoodperson Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 I feel this sentiment exactly. To the core of my bones. It's the absolute hardest part to come to terms with, for sure. What you have to remember is this: It was up to both of you to make the relationship work, but only up to one of you to end it. You can't do anything to force her to work on things. You are not at fault for what happened between you two, and is totally out of your control. All you can do is work on you and be there for your kids. It's a hard pill to swallow, for sure. But one of two things will happen as you more forward: 1. You work on being a better person and a better dad. At some point, you will fully move on and heal and be happy again (it WILL happen). Better things will come along and you live your life on your terms. 2. You work on being a better person and a better dad. At some point, she will recognize what she lost and come back and the ball will be in your court to accept or reject that situation, completely on your terms. Either way, YOU win. Hang in there and keep posting! The sad thing is that the same thing happened to her when she was 15. (Dad left) I know how bad that affected her and yet she is willing to do that to her own children. Who gives up seeing their kids for over half the week?
KBarletta Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 The sad thing is that the same thing happened to her when she was 15. (Dad left) I know how bad that affected her and yet she is willing to do that to her own children. Who gives up seeing their kids for over half the week? She is clouded by the (temporary) high of her new life. Thus she is not acting rationally. She will likely come crashing back to earth at some point, within say three months, six months. Then she will regret losing contact with her kids for half the time and may decide she made a mistake. She may not come back, but chances are she will experience some regret. But right now she's not thinking clearly, IMO. 1
BlueIris Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 (edited) My divorce looked like this, seemingly sudden, agreeing to all or most of my husband’s wishes. It’s not uncommon. He saw everything as good based on his measures. Since I hadn’t been a screaming banshee, had been pleasant and functional, and we had lots of stuff and successful kids, his career was good and we still had sex, I wasn’t on drugs or booze and was still pretty enough, so it must be that I was having an affair or was crazy. Once someone views you that way, what’s the point? I didn’t mind his being the Good Guy, viewing it as a power game and seeing himself as “winning,” or thinking and saying I was a lying, cheating, crazy mess. We were both almost 40. Oh, and I wasn't cheating or lying. Crazy? I guess from his perspective, yes, but I wasn't. Good luck and be glad that she is agreeing to pretty much all you want. Get it in writing. You may think that she is being considerate of the kids and cooperative with custody, but what she is actually doing is shirking off the kids onto you so she can be with OM. She putting the kids off on to you so she can have the freedom to have fun and screw around. Don't fall for it. If she wants to be single, let her be a single mother instead along with all of the responsibilities and hardships that entails. Reject her custody proposal and demand 50/50 joint custody and make her have have them for the full 24 hour periods of her custody. Yeah, I can see the shirking argument. That’s a dilemma because your husband may say he wants to keep seeing the kids, wants to maintain the family structure in the home, or wants sole or 50/50, but he might not want the responsibility that entails. Since she moved out, I can see her thinking that the kids benefit from sleeping in their home most nights. But if you don’t want that, if she’s thinking along the lines I did, she’ll likely agree. My husband chose to have them every other weekend and dinner on Wednesdays. I agreed. Edited January 13, 2015 by BlueIris
Chi townD Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I agree with Oldshirt, but I just want to add one more thing. Ensure that you are named the custodial parent. Therefore, she'll have to pay child support to you. She's still a parent and has responsibilities and that includes financial responsibilities.
coolheadal Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 We all heard the same lines too. She has to be away from you and to see if she missing you. This line means there someone else. Again the signs were there. The worst part of all of this knew what she was doing. Again you can't change her mindset and she has cheated on you. When they cheat on you they too have changed things. They usually go after you with rude comments or put downs like they need to be away from you. Or you in their face all sorts of comments. Well this is sad time for you too, but she did tell in advanced so you had some warning. Now you need to get the papers in first before she does it. Next the waiting for the divorce to come too a close. Take time. Mine lasted 13 years and I too got the message. So hopefully you can one day find peace like I have. I would leave the house right now take a long vacation. If your kids are young ask your folks to watch them while your need time to adjust to the new way of living.
sandylee1 Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I have to tell you that I believe she an emotional connection with someone online. She denies this and has shown me zero affection since breaking the news. Telling the kids was horrible. She continues her day as nothing has changed. The worse part is we work together but in different parts of the building. Her parking spot is next to mine. It is torture in the worse way. Honestly, I just want the truth. But I don't see that happening because I fear she wants to protect her image and rights to the kids. Then again...I could be wrong and she is just abandoning me for reasons only she knows. I would appreciate your input...it helps. Sorry for your pain. She has emotionally checked out of the marriage. It's nothing to do with your looks, but someone somewhere is telling her what she wants to hear and making her feel good about herself. Just watch how soon she starts dating.
Author agoodperson Posted January 14, 2015 Author Posted January 14, 2015 Sorry for your pain. She has emotionally checked out of the marriage. It's nothing to do with your looks, but someone somewhere is telling her what she wants to hear and making her feel good about herself. Just watch how soon she starts dating. I am positive there is another man. Kills me inside to think she hooked up with someone while I sat at home with the kids. I feel so used. The truth is starting to appear in her reactions and mannerisms. She cheated but won't fess up due to the laws of divorce. She told me today that she is afraid I will try to take her retirement and paycheck after she gives me custodial custody of the kids. Who says that except a guilty cheater. Wow! It is hard to believe that your best friend and mother to your children could be so cruel to her own kids and husband. Hopefully another day closer to closure for me.
BlueIris Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 (edited) ... She told me today that she is afraid I will try to take her retirement and paycheck after she gives me custodial custody of the kids. Who says that except a guilty cheater. ... This isn't evidence of cheating or of guilt. It's a common concern/fear because retirement assets and payment of support are always at issue in a divorce. Decide what custody and parenting time is in the best interests of the children, then work out a property (asset) division and support, usually by formula, after that. You might have other reasons to suspect infidelity, but I really don't think this is one of them. Edited January 14, 2015 by BlueIris
Chi townD Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I am positive there is another man. Kills me inside to think she hooked up with someone while I sat at home with the kids. I feel so used. The truth is starting to appear in her reactions and mannerisms. She cheated but won't fess up due to the laws of divorce. She told me today that she is afraid I will try to take her retirement and paycheck after she gives me custodial custody of the kids. Who says that except a guilty cheater. Wow! It is hard to believe that your best friend and mother to your children could be so cruel to her own kids and husband. Hopefully another day closer to closure for me. You should have told her that it wasn't up to you to decide. That the courts would determine what is fair and how much child support she would have to pay. Do you live in an "at fault" state?
BlueIris Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 You should have told her that it wasn't up to you to decide. That the courts would determine what is fair and how much child support she would have to pay. Do you live in an "at fault" state? This rejects her offer or hope that they could settle this amicably or cooperatively, which she is showing signs of willingness to do. It's far less expensive (if you use lawyers to litigate) and less emotionally depleting on the parties and the children to settle on terms that work for the kids and family, and fall within the range of outcomes that a court would order anyway.
oldshirt Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I am positive there is another man. Kills me inside to think she hooked up with someone while I sat at home with the kids. I feel so used. The truth is starting to appear in her reactions and mannerisms. She cheated but won't fess up due to the laws of divorce. She told me today that she is afraid I will try to take her retirement and paycheck after she gives me custodial custody of the kids. Who says that except a guilty cheater. Wow! It is hard to believe that your best friend and mother to your children could be so cruel to her own kids and husband. Hopefully another day closer to closure for me. If you are in the US, most states are no-fault which means it really doesn't matter if anyone committed adultery or not in the eyes of the court. The court will divide up assets as it sees fit without regard to if someone was a cheating ho or not. This is why you need an attorney yesterday!!! Do not take legal counsel and listen to legal mumbo jumbo from a cheating woman who is in the process of leaving you and has her eyes on your assets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chi townD Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 This rejects her offer or hope that they could settle this amicably or cooperatively, which she is showing signs of willingness to do. It's far less expensive (if you use lawyers to litigate) and less emotionally depleting on the parties and the children to settle on terms that work for the kids and family, and fall within the range of outcomes that a court would order anyway. Still doesn't matter, what they propose or whatever agreement they write up still needs to be reviewed by a lawyer at the very least. She could be pulling a fast one on him because she knows he doesn't want to rock the boat. But a lawyer can say, "Okay, let me get this straight. She makes over 100,000 a year and she wants to pay you one hundred dollars a week to take care of the kids?" Smart thing to do is have someone outside the box to look at things who isn't emotionally invested.
BlueIris Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 (edited) ... what they propose or whatever agreement they write up still needs to be reviewed by a lawyer at the very least. ... Completely agree with you. Tempered and honest legal advice should be sought before agreement, and after terms are reached but before signing. Both H and W should understand the terms and the consequences of the terms. (Be careful of the attorneys who whip up hysteria and disaster-thinking because it's profitable for them to do so. Watch the movie Divorce Corp for sure.) That's different than his saying the court will decide, which is a threat and shuts off communication. It says: I'm not talking to you; we're going to court. They probably shouldn't be talking about these issues so soon while emotions are understandably so high. A cooling off period is a good idea. Her expressing "fear" of the financial consequences of his having primary custody is reasonable and shows an understanding of the law. She might be in a state where she is going to lose significant rights by not having the kids for 50% of overnights at this point, even if now or later she or they both think it's best for the kids. On one side of the spectrum, I've seen people agree to imbalanced custody or parenting time arrangements because they agree it's in the best interests of the children- such as where one parent travels a lot or can't afford to live in a school district or to have an apartment with plenty of room- but also agree to not follow child support guidelines because they don't want either parent "penalized" for making a pro-child decision. On the flip side, I've seen lots of people fight over custody and/or parenting time solely for financial benefit, to minimize child support, or for vengeance. Not saying OP is doing ANY of those things! Anyway, it's a tough issue riddled with fear at an already emotional time. Edited January 14, 2015 by BlueIris
whatigained Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 agoodperson- I am new to this forum but not new to this problem. Your wife is showing all the classic signs of having an affair. ILYBINILWY is in their handbook; along with an obsession with their phone and locking it down like fort Knox. It's all pretty standard stuff. Just know these things: 1. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it. Pay particular attention to that last point. No adult can control how another adult acts. This is an especially important point to remember if you stumble upon any full fledged members of the Reconciliation Industrial Complex. Members of that club may try to tell you that if you do "the 180" and "Make the marriage a happier place to be" and she will come around. Not true. 2. Once someone you love starts sleeping with someone that isn't their spouse, they make unilateral choices about the health, finances and family. You have no say in the matter. They should be treated accordingly. 3. When there are problems in a marriage, people have a whole host of honest choices they can make, starting with communication. If that doesn't work alone, perhaps marriage counseling. If all else fails, then divorce. Notice having an affair isn't mentioned in those honest options. We get married of our own free will and it's remarkably easy to procure a hasty divorce in the US and most other countries-there is no excuse for cheating. 4. Cheaters only cop to what they think you know. Trust your gut. Based on what you've said you have your suspicions. That's all you need. Proof is only helpful if it will leverage a better divorce settlement. Other than that it just brings mind numbing pain. Go with your gut. 5. Take care of yourself and try to go as "no contact" as humanly possible. The only conversations you should have with your wife now should be handled with professionalism. Only money and the kids. Kids schedules can actually be put on "Google Calendars" so you don't even have to discuss that. Make your life as drama free as possible. 6. Grieve when you feel it. Don't bury the feelings because eventually they wind up burying you. Just remember that just like all good things come to an end, so does pain. It is finite. 7. You sound like a nice guy. You will make it through this and you will thrive. 8. Sleep in the middle of the bed. It makes you feel less alone. 1
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