BPD or/and bipolar disorder or what

[elaine567]

This. Very much. If you don't understand it it's because you have never experienced it. I pick up on exes of BPDers from the bewilderment in their posts.

 

No-one is saying BPD's do not mess up people's lives, of course they do.

 

What is being questioned is that the default posiiton for many, it seems, after break ups, is that the ex was "mad" or has a PD, which is often then debateable.

Bewilderment is a common reaction to being dumped unexpectedly, whether dumped by a person with BPD or not.

[EgoJoe]

For me the recognition of how sick she was helped me come to terms with the evil I experienced. We had fought before and a lot but it was my stubbornness and lack of caring that held the relationship together previously.

 

 

I am/was quite likely the narcissistic half of the duo or the one with stronger tendencies. I do however perform introspection. So it's a matter of recognizing things for what they were and simultaneously realizing I can only fix me.

 

 

When your break up agrees with observation through the lens of typical bpd/npd behavior and shortly after immense betrayal you wonder why you're feeling so relieved then you will find yourself saying ok but what can I do for my myself.

[sober and dry]

First of all, I see now that I wrote a terrible topic title, it should have been "Is this behaviors normal/acceptable?".

Well this will be quite a bigggg post, but I thank you all and ask you to read it and continue this as you all are helping me quite a lot frankly. Please try to bear with me.

Secondly I must say that, I think spotting sins is very, very helpful and important, since you don't use it to diagnose anything but to try and improve it or search help with the proper people who will must definitely to do the diagnose and improve your condition!

Thirdly, sure my ex was many character flaws as we all have but I can tell you this, I was and are the crazier one before, during and after this RS! So everyday I try not to be so crazy for my own well being

 

 

Let me say it one more time that I don't have to repeat it in every sentence. I'm not trying to blame her, I'm not trying to excuse her, I'm not trying to get a new perspective of or BU. I just want to get opinions on "is this normal?", to get my mind sorted out and learn from it.

 

Sure she damaged me a lot, but that's not what I'm after, I want to recover my self inflicted mental and personality damage from her. I'm not who I was 8 years ago, beside the obvious things related to personal grow I hope I had, but also related to her behavior. Does this makes sense?

 

 

She nonetheless lives in fear that, once you eventually realize how empty she is inside, your love will vanish and you will walk out.

 

The result is that a BPDer typically will administer an unending series of sh*t tests, i.e., she will make unreasonable demands or treat you badly just to find out if you will tolerate it and stay around. Passing one of the tests, however, gives her relief from her abandonment fear for only a few minutes. The only outcome of your passing a test, then, is that she will raise the hoop higher the next time she insists on your jumping through it.

 

Yes she had that fear of me, finding out how empty she was inside, but this only appeared after she changed herself quite a lot. So I always assured her that I still was in love with her because I knew how she was and that her "new" self was just a phase. Guess what it was a "phase" of at least 4 years and I guess it's still who she is... I don't blame her for that, but sure I didn't wanted to believe her new self. Now, well, it's "a shame" because I know how she was 8 years ago, the girl I loved and still care somewhat, and the person who she is now, the girl who smashed my heart.

Then again, it nobody's fault and it doesn't matter anymore since we are not together and I don't see us getting back together as lovers again (but I would never say never, because life is all about surprising us when we least expect it I guess).

 

Yes she done some of this tests to witch I always responded, not always passed, but I was aware at the time that it was stupid.

 

Sober can learn what to look out for in future sure I encourage that, he has already stated things he did in the relationship he did which he won't do again which is good. He can't change his exes behaviour he can learn from it I don't see any benefit from trying to pin it on disorders when it probably isn't the case. You would be surprised how long people stay in utterly miserable relationships for god knows what reason, I certainly don't.

 

I did a lot of bad things in this 8 years, as I guess anyone would do, and I sure I will try no to repeat it again.

Hell yeah I don't want to change my ex behavior, I did tried when we where together and it didn't worked so it not now it will, even if I wanted to. That's her problem now, as it's my problem now to learn what I can from the RS.

Damn sure I was in a unhealthy RS for too long, I guess I had hopes and wishes and must of all I loved her a lot. So is this my behavior normal or not?

 

OP, reading your first thread here and noting the date was a couple months ago, where would you place yourself in the recovery process? You had a long relationship, longer than some marriages, and it's still pretty fresh. If you had to describe your stage of recovery in a word, what would it be?

 

If you had to put a finger on the feelings/emotions behind making this thread, where did they come from?

 

If you had an unequivocal and undeniable reason for your ex leaving you, how would that assist you in your process?

 

This are very interesting questions, thank you.

Well it as been exactly 1 month and 9 days now.

I don't think I can say for sure in what stage am I... But from "text book" definitions I think I'm on acceptance.

There was no room for denial after I BU with her since I discovered all about the betrayal by my own.

But sure I was in denial when I started to see all the red flags while we were together and even more in denial when she asked for a break. So I was on denial for some 6/7 months I guess.

I did felt the anger maybe 2/3 days after the BU, but it went away maybe a week later as soon as I realized that it was not worth it and it would probably send me doing some crazy bad ****, so I let it go for my self well being.

I was on bargaining stage in my head, trying to make it work. Fortunately it was just in my head

Yeah I was on depression quite a bit, but since I went trough a depression 2/3 years ago I think I knew how to work it out,fortunately once again.

So it only leaves room for acceptance I guess.

Now that I look in to it, I'm a bit afraid of who fast it seems to happen for me and I just hope I don't get backwards!... I'm still mind ****ed quite a bit, but sure I feel much better and much happier! But it will take a loooooot of time to be completely over an 8 years RS with so much in it.

What would you people say?

 

As I already said, I made this thread because I feel that I'm needing some guidance to work out my "self inflicted mental" damage.

 

I was the one who ultimately left her, but I guess she did it first without me knowing it.

Either way I have a lot of unequivocal and undeniable reason for your ex leaving me.

Although I don't think I cannot be 100% sure this are all true but I would say it was.

She did lost romantic interest in me and went out to seek it in someone else. I lost her respect and consideration. I did took her for granted sometimes. She was always on a pedestal and girls don't like to be in it in a RS. She said that on a certain phase of my degree I left her dry because I didn't made time for her as she had all day everyday for me. She said that the last year of my degree it was hard for her because I was dedicating quite hard to it and she was working so we grow a part because it was hard for her lol like it wasn't for me too... And some more I think, I cannot tell all of them right away, but I think this are the most important ones, sure there will be some more I will never discover for myself.

Now, sure all of this reasons help me on my recovery process and I guess it helps me accepting the BU, but more importantly they are things I MUST learn!

 

What is important is that through the criteria of classification of BPD, i have realized what boundaries one should have.

When you are involved with a person with PD, then your boundaries will suffer [avoidant too], and the length of time being with one is also an indicator of how strong your initial boundaries and self-esteem were [not that strong OP, you have some work there to do].

 

You should figure out boundaries, because that is the common denominator of ppl who end up with a PD and stay for a while ... messed up boundaries.

 

Yes Radu, you are very right, it's very important to me at this time realizing what boundaries should I have and improve a lot my self-esteem! I will look in to it until I fell I get it for sure.

 

 

elaine567 sure that people with mental hard disorders or personality disorders cause havoc in their partners at some point at least, but even people without disorders can do it just the same. Them again, all of us without exception have at least some of this disorders

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Every "personality disorder" is a spectrum disorder, because everyone has all elements involved in their personality to some degree. Personality disorders are not scientific diagnoses; they're clusters of common symptoms. The presence of some or even all of them doesn't necessarily signify a problem.

 

I hate when people psychoanalyze their exes this way because it distances them from the actual problems in their relationship, plus it also allows them to play the victim. But seriously, what does armchair diagnosis do for you other than give you a sense of superiority over a lost love? Everyone on planet Earth has dated a sh-tty person who behaved poorly at least once. The solution is not to go on the Internet and tell your story like you're a refugee from south Sudan; you just think about the red flags you missed earlier and make a note to watch for them next time.

[sober and dry]

Surer you did read the topic chimpanA-2-chimpanZ xD

[EgoJoe]

For me the realization just helps me interpret the behavior and stay strong when she stalks me, calls me from strange numbers and tries to reel me back in.

 

 

It also guided me towards many tools to detach from what was a very unhealthy relationship and realize my previous instincts to end it were good solid gut reactions.

[Radu]

I think being able to mess up people's (sometimes very adequate) boundaries, is a skill many with a PD seem to have.

 

When the true nature of the person with PD is exposed, you have a choice, bolt or stay.

Those that stay, stay because they already had messed up boundaries.

 

Yes, the PD messes them up even more, but that does not mean that you were OK in the beginning.

[SoThatHappened]

I've gone back and forth on the BPD thing. I believe in it. I also believe it can definitely be a cop-out for some trying to just point blame and not realizing that most breakups are hard and "out of the blue."

 

However, after you've dated someone with STRONG BPD traits, I think it's fair for the dumpee to try and pinpoint, "What the f@#$ just happened?!"

 

Until you've fallen for someone with strong BPD traits, you really don't know what the non-BPDer goes through.