Before The Heartbreaker...I was The Heartbreaker

[newlyborn]

I hear that, and whether you believe me or not, I truly would have preferred that option. I just felt that my reasons for leaving were things I had tried to bring up and work on so many times. He had them already and didn't try to learn and grow when it might have saved his relationship, so I guess I didn't think he would appreciate hearing them again. None of it would have been a surprise to him, there was nothing new I could offer. It would have been to no benefit for either of us, in reality.

 

From my perspective there was no condescension, but I understand how that could be derived from a forum thread.

 

Thank you for your input - time brings funny things and perhaps there will be opportunity for me and him to sit and talk in the future, as you were able to do. Just out of interest, what were your reasons for ending your engagement and how did your ex take it? I suppose I am curious to know how you formed your friendship afterwards.

 

my ex-fiance was not loving toward me. he was emotionally and financially stingy. but my family liked him because he is a good guy. he also liked sex a lot, but it was the worst sex of my life because, again, this man was stingy through and through. i thought i would be the loneliest woman in the world if i married him.

 

i did not end the relationship in a brave way. i said i needed a month-long break, and that i would use this time to reflect on the relationship and how we could improve it. of course, i took the time to test being single. i preferred life without him and so ended it when the month was over. he put all the focus on getting the engagement ring back initially and acted like he wasn't too bothered. i met up with him. we talked, and i gave him the ring back. my heart was broken but was also sure that this was best.

 

we had no contact for about 8 months. i reached out to him for his birthday. his mom stays in touch with my mom. so, once i saw he was receptive to contact, i continued to send him little hellos every now and again. we can't be in touch too regularly because inevitably he starts making little advances toward me. i remind him that we are friends, back off. and i trust him to deal with his own feelings and back away if he needs to as well. eventually, one or the other reaches out and we pick up where we left off.

 

the thing is i really love this man, but he is not my future, forever partner. still, i am happy to work at the friendship.

[Ieris]

Yeah, I know it is brutal. But I didn't take anything that wasn't mine when I moved in, and anything we bought jointly including a very expensive bed/mattress, washer/dryer, and other items of furniture, I left. I had just bought a new Smart TV, which I would have been in my rights to take actually, but I didn't. I even left a load of my kitchen stuff (not cheap) so that he would still be able to cook and feed himself. I left all of the money in our joint account. I had no interest in screwing him over, I didn't hate him. I had just become exhausted being the only one trying.

 

Hello welshbambi,

 

Sorry I wasn't trying to relate this to you, I've read several of your posts and you don't come across bad like my friends ex. It was just something I thought of when reading Kevin D's post as his ex left him high and dry, similar to what happened to my friend.

[flightplan]

My two cents... but I think this thread is a perfect example of rational selfishness or "enlightened" realization. People are going to always pursue what they believe to be in their own self interest, to look after their on well being. You can be in a relationship for a month or 20 years, but in the end, your ex, even yourself, are going to do what is best for them.

 

You don't want to hurt the other person (or maybe you do), but regardless, the goal is the same... I'm going to do what I feel will make me happy. It's not going to be with you, because I've determined it's not in my interest to continue down this path. The method of the breakup and how it's carried out are left to the morals, values and convictions of the dumper which are always going to be questioned by some who hold a different set of beliefs. It's the game of life and when it's all said and done and we've spent our 80 or so years groping our way along, we'll meet our exes in the great beyond and appreciate the lessons we both taught one another. Rant over.

[Holmes85]

As many of us are currently doing, I am introspecting and having a bit of a mental and spiritual cleanse/re-ordering.

 

I got to thinking today about the end of my previous relationship to the guy I am currently getting over, and I thought I would share because it has actually given me some comfort about my current situation. I hope it does the same.

 

Prior to my ex, I was in a relationship for 7 years. This guy was not a good match for me. He wasn't very good at making an effort, he was moody, thought the world owed him something. He was lazy and churlish. When we met, all of my friends were in serious relationships and I think it just kind of dawdled along with me telling myself that no relationship was perfect and that I wasn't miserable, I just wasn't particularly fulfilled. I should also mention that we very rarely had sex, and I don't think we went further than a friendly kiss (no tongue) for the last 3 years.

 

I had known I should end it for at least 2 years. But we were living together and despite his flaws, I cared deeply about him. I was worried about how he would cope if I ended it. So I muddled on until one day this February, following a trip with my family, I realised I was 30 and if I wanted a chance to find my great love, I needed to go and what would be would be. I couldn't sacrifice my dreams because I was afraid to make a man cry.

 

Once I made the firm decision, I was gone within 24 hours. My stuff was out of the flat. Unfriended on all social media. All addresses on paperwork changed. I was a machine!!! The only time I answered calls from him was on the night I left. After that, I didn't respond to any texts or emails from him again.

 

Which kinda sounds familiar to everyone, right? he was probably thinking how it had all gone so horribly wrong and how could I be such a heartless bitch after we had been together so long and shared happy times. Something each of us in turn can admit to saying on these forums in recent times about our exes.

 

Well, some things that I was feeling as the dumper in that situation:

- I feigned being OK when we were together because what else can you do when you have tried to say you aren't happy but the other person wasn't listening? If you choose to stay for whatever reason, you don't want to run that person into the floor all the time, it's not fair

- I left quickly because I felt it was the fairest thing for both of us. Having my stuff hanging around would have been devastating for him

- I didn't respond to anything he sent because there was nothing I could say that would offer him comfort, and I didn't want to torture him by giving false hope. I had made my choice and I was happy with it. I had begun my moving on process way before I actually left

 

I then got to thinking about how he perceived this and then related it to my situation:

- He was happy enough, he loved me. But he failed to see just how much the things he did that upset or annoyed me impacted our relationship and me. I had tried and failed to get him to see that avoiding my family at all costs was a major issue. He just shouted about how it made him feel and in the end it was too contentious to discuss.

- In short, because he was happy with his lot, he assumed I must be equally happy too

 

 

So it's made me realise, for my current situation, that actually I need to remember how free I felt when I left my 7 year ex. Not because I didn't care about him. But because I had done the best thing for both of us - no relationship can work if one partner is unhappy. I know it was devastating for him, and I am not proud to have hurt someone I cared about. So for my current ex, I hope he feels the same freedom that I did. Because I care about him, so tonight I am in a place where I wish him happiness even if it no longer includes me. Think of it as the last gift I could give him. Yes, I would have loved him to stay, but that would have been selfish. It would have been for my benefit, not for his, not for ours. How can I say I love someone if I want to trap them in a life of unhappiness? I am disappointed for myself, but I feel a greater ability to let go of "us" because I would rather he be happy. I know I will be again too.

 

I think we all sit there and accuse our exes for being ungrateful for the way we loved them. But if we sit back can we honestly say we took enough time to be ourselves, not dependent on the other one, and also to make sure we were compassionate and listening to our other halves properly? I ask this not to encourage anyone to beat themselves up about what they might have done wrong, but instead to encourage reflection on what we might have missed so that we can learn from it and bring our best into the future.

 

When all is said and done, I never hated my 7 year ex. I didn't wish him badly and I genuinely wanted him to find happiness again. I cut him off because it was the kindest thing for him. So if you are questioning why your ex is not responding to you, maybe it is because they respected you and cared enough not to hurt you any more than they had to. Take peace in that and go find your new happy.

 

Philosophical rambling done. I look forward to hearing people's thoughts and views on this.

 

Welshbambi,

 

Let me take my crystal ball out and tell you what the future is going to be like within 5-6 years from now on.

 

You will be in several short term relationships, along with a few long term relationships. Neither are going to work out.

 

Your short term relationships would be filled with intense romance, you would always feel like you have found "the love of your life" every time you get into a relationship, but as soon & intense the relationshhip is going to start, the sooner its going to fizzle out.

 

Now for the long term relationships, do you remember how it was with your 7 year relationship with that guy? You would notice the same stuff happening in your new long term relationship, but this time you would see the things way before hand and end it.

 

Do you know who needs or says that they need a spiritual cleanse? Someone who knows that they have done wrong to someone.

 

Let me tell you something, the ONLY reason you are thinking about your EX boyfriend right now is because your recent relationship didn't work out, if the things were going as planned, I highly doubt you would be here "cleansing" yourself or even give him the thought of the day.

 

You know what the problem is with the mindset of "Since I'm not happy, it's not fair, I should leave bla bla" mentality, here's the honest truth : You are never going to be happy all the time, you are never going to find a relationship which doesn't have problems, you are never going to find a relationship in which you are safely cruising without a care or a worry throughout life.

 

Let me try to explain, when you say you love someone, you should mean it, it shouldn't be like "Hey I love you today, but 2-3 years from now on, who knows I'm not happny anymore, then I'll leave you, but for now I love you". When you love someone, you should love then unconditionally, let me give you an example : A mothers love for her children is unconditional, she doesn't wake up one day and say "I don't feel happy with my kids anymore, it's best I remove everything that reminds them of me and let them heal", neither does she leave her children because something about her children annoys her and she thinks "wow my neighbors kids are really awesome, let me be there mother instead, I feel happy with them more". Infact a mother tries to make the best out of the current situation and applies effort to raise her kids right till her last breath.

 

Seriously which relationship do you see happy happy all the time? Take a look at your family, your grandparents, are they lovey dovey all the time with each other? Have they never fought with each other? Seriously tell me 1 relationship of even a famous actor / actress whom you think is perfect all the time? ....In case you wondering, there isn't any.

 

If your guy is loving, caring, provides for you, there is no physical abuse or cheating involved and your reason for leaving is "I just wasn't happy" you have a very long road ahead of you.

 

This Ex you were with for 7 reasons, would look like Gold to you in a couple of years from now on, once you have been in enough relationships, imagine this guy was with you for 7 years, 2 years you strung him along, what's gonna happen when he finds the girl who really appreciates him, it's going to be a lifetime deal for him and he deserves every bit of it. By that time you would be 35-37 wondering "where the hell is the love of life? Why hasn't he come along yet, why does nobody wants to settle with me the same way I want them to".

 

Your train is going on full speed ahead without any breaks and you are on the wrong track, make sure your train doesn't end up falling off the bridge and stays on track. I wish you all the best in life (you are definitely going to need it) and I also hope that you find what you are looking for in life.

Edited January 9, 2015 by Holmes85

[newlyborn]

meh. while i do not buy that her actions were for the specific and intended benefit of her ex, i do think OP's reasons for leaving her 7-year relationship were valid. what is a romantic relationship without sex? how were they even going to have children with her ex-bf's unwillingness to get along with her family?

 

and even without valid reasons, a romance is not a parental bond, and it is unhealthy to expect it to function like one. the OP had every right to leave. and there is no reason to suspect that she will not find a loving and satisfying relationship in her future because she left something that wasn't right for her behind.

Edited January 9, 2015 by newlyborn

[Ducktape]

I think some dumpees are projecting their own frustration and anger in this discussion. Maybe it wouldn't be the way you would have dealt with the situation, fine. It's one thing to comment on it, it is another to live in it for 7 years, trying to make it work, be frustrated, live with the inner dialogue wondering if this is it.

 

Holmes85, your post is very condescending. You have exactly NO right to tell her her actions were unjustified, that she didn't work hard enough, that her love was misplaced, and basically argue that she is fundamentally flawed in the way she sees relationships. She didn't say they hit a little bump in the road that was their loving relationship. She has been feeling that way for several years. Who are you to tell her she has to continue being miserable with someone who puts no effort in improving, instead of seeking happiness? Who are you to deny someone's ultimate inner quest in this life?

 

Live your life according to your own standards, don't force them upon others.

[Holmes85]

Oh pardon me for saying something to offend her.

 

In fact let me tell her that she has done the best decision of her life. Leaving him was the best thing to do, definitely dumpers need to take a note from her on how it should be done.

 

She did the right thing, getting into a new relationship was also a fantastic idea. She should look after herself, it's never "us" in a relationship, it should be just you, your feelings matter, not someone elses, in fact the relationship is all about you. Everyone should just be me, me, me, who cares about your partner, when it isn't right, it just isn't right, end it, move on. Ah that's life.

 

In the end, when things don't turn out the way you wanted to, you don't blame yourself, you are the best thing since slice bread, in fact when you feel a little bit of guilt, you come here and cleanse yourself.

 

Oh did I forget to mention, I am just bitter and projecting my own frustration and anger on here.

[newlyborn]

 

Oh did I forget to mention, I am just bitter and projecting my own frustration and anger on here.

 

sadly, this seems patently obvious. the OP was not the one to break your heart...

[Invictus01]

Sooooo, just for the hell of it... How much time exactly would you give somebody to change things around? OP said she wanted to leave for at least 2 years. That's a loooooooooong time to give somebody to get a hint. He didn't, she left. Am I missing something?

[Holmes85]

Newlyborn,

 

You obviously failed to notice the sarcasm there.

 

You should also read the original post again. You are basing everything on what she's saying, look at the actions, they tell you a different story.

 

You don't have to agree with anything I'm saying and see it as a rule written in stone. Just because you don't agree with what I have to say, doesn't mean you pull your sword out and come attacking me for giving an opinion.

 

If you are smoking 5 packet of cigarettes a day for the next 6 years, are you telling me there is no way for me to tell how it's going to turn out?

 

Don't like the opinion, don't take it.

[Holmes85]

Sooooo, just for the hell of it... How much time exactly would you give somebody to change things around? OP said she wanted to leave for at least 2 years. That's a loooooooooong time to give somebody to get a hint. He didn't, she left. Am I missing something?

 

You are missing a lot. Her mind was set 2 years ago. Her heart was just not in it, when your heart is not into something, even little things start to annoy you, you keep searching for ways to justify that what you are doing is right, if there was anything positive done during this time, she might have set a blind eye on it....because she was done.

 

I can give you 100 examples, but since you are set on proving me wrong and not agreeing with me, nothing that I say is going to be any good (this is exactly what she did, she just was not into it anymore), since you are fixated on your thing. Get my point?

 

Also the reason she's posting it here and need it to get out there, tells me that she feels guilty, seriously think for a moment if you did everything in your power and things didn't work out, you would be content within your heart wouldn't you? You wouldn't be going on saying because this & this happened, proves my decision right, that I did the right thing.

[dyna85]

I am actually unsettled quite a bit by this OP and here's a few reasons why:

 

Prior to my ex, I was in a relationship for 7 years. This guy was not a good match for me. He wasn't very good at making an effort, he was moody, thought the world owed him something. He was lazy and churlish. When we met, all of my friends were in serious relationships and I think it just kind of dawdled along with me telling myself that no relationship was perfect and that I wasn't miserable, I just wasn't particularly fulfilled. I should also mention that we very rarely had sex, and I don't think we went further than a friendly kiss (no tongue) for the last 3 years.

 

Seriously? Who dawdles along for 7 years? 7 years is a really really long time to just be dawdling along in a relationship.

 

I had known I should end it for at least 2 years. But we were living together and despite his flaws, I cared deeply about him. I was worried about how he would cope if I ended it. So I muddled on until one day this February, following a trip with my family, I realised I was 30 and if I wanted a chance to find my great love, I needed to go and what would be would be. I couldn't sacrifice my dreams because I was afraid to make a man cry.

 

Okay. So if you knew for at least 2 years that you should end it, yet you strung him along, that doesn't show that you care deeply for him. That shows that you used him for your own twisted benefit. Do you see how he may look at it if he knew of your thought process. I mean, I'd be nothing short of pissed and would pity someone who would lead me on for that length of time, knowing all along that they were on the verge of giving me the heave-ho. Also, who are you to presume anything about another's coping ability. That is so patronizing. The fact that you pitied him and questioned his ability to cope shows just how lowly you thought of him. I mean seriously, that's messed up to think that you were thinking you were doing him a favor by stringing him along for 2 years.

 

Which kinda sounds familiar to everyone, right? he was probably thinking how it had all gone so horribly wrong and how could I be such a heartless bitch after we had been together so long and shared happy times. Something each of us in turn can admit to saying on these forums in recent times about our exes.

 

Well it does kinda sound like it went horribly wrong. I mean, why not just be up front and explain yourself in all honesty? I think it's because the truth is, you weren't this upstanding girlfriend you claim to have been and pin all the wrongdoing and judgment on him. How about some self-reflection here. You led him on for 2 years knowing full well you had checked out and then you peace out in 24 hours and leave him hanging completely from there on out. Why not just tell him, 'Look, I checked out of this 2 years ago, it's done, finito, no turning back, I'm sorry, I can't go on ever.' Why? Because the truth isn't so pretty, is it. If you have nothing to hide, you don't go into hiding and run like a banshee and hide like a coward.

 

Then trying to play it up now like you took the appropriate course of action and you're just cleaning house in reflecting upon it. That's really sad. Your post is very disheartening as it reeks of selfishness and lack of empathy or concern with the other person involved.

 

I didn't see one thing you did that was detrimental in or after the relationship. That says a lot too. It's never one person's fault, yet this poor guy gets the blame and the cold hard shaft.

 

I didn't respond to anything he sent because there was nothing I could say that would offer him comfort, and I didn't want to torture him by giving false hope.

 

This makes me cringe. Again, reference above. Why not just clearly close it out by telling the truth about the situation, your feelings, and the finality of it all? If you responded to him honestly and allowed him to be a part of the discussion by treating him with decency and respect, then that would have been showing consideration for him. That's not false hope. It's called maturity, consideration, and empathy. By ignoring the person completely, it shows you have something to hide and it's extremely disrespectful of the other person's feelings. I pity you more than him for your actions during the relationship and at the end. Who was the childish one again?

 

I have more respect for guys with whom I have gone on a few dates that you had for your boyfriend of 7 freaking years. What the heck is wrong with this world?

 

I had made my choice and I was happy with it. I had begun my moving on process way before I actually left.

 

Wow. Good for you. What about him though? What about his feelings?

Edited January 9, 2015 by dyna85

[erklat]

I'm neither buying that empathy for the ex bs.

 

I broke with my ex of three years five years ago. I find it curious

how some people who weren't even remotely part of our lives

comment it after all this years. I dumped her and told her that

she was projecting pressure from her family on me. Fail. I got gigs

and I wanted to see what else is there.

 

After that I was in another rs of three years where I mistreated her.

We broke up and I always played a hero how I let her go because she

was suffering. Fail. I was the a$$hat and if I cared for her emotions I

would have tried to change my ways.

 

Bottom line, everything I did I did just for me. False sense of empathy

was just to soften my perception of self I was trying to project onto

others. Now years after as I grew I know I was an a hole. No one can

judge you for pursuing happiness, but there is no empathy in that

fashion. That is only guilty consciousness talking.