LDR of 10 months wearing me down

[d0nnivain]

Based on your last post . . . you know what you have to do.

 

Call her bluff. Offer her the alternatives . . . Celebrate Friday night or come meet the buddy. If she says "me or him" pick him.

[Pinkdisney]

I am still stuck on the fact she uses Cocaine and you've asked her to stop and she won't, and that she had Oral Sex with another person and it was no big deal/not cheating because it was a woman and not a man??????????

 

What exactly are YOU getting from this relationship because you don't sound happy at all.

 

I agree with the last two posters - call her bluff and let her sink her own ship if seeing you on your own home turf with your buddy is important. She doesn't sound like LTR material. Sorry.

[tart6245]

That says it all, in a nutshell. She's nothing more than a girl you hang out with. You just put your foot in your mouth.

 

Respectfully, I don't think we see eye to eye on how relationships should work. You make light of her cocaine use as if it is no big deal, and you miss the fact that it is the one thing I have asked of her during this entire relationship to do and she wouldn't do it. When confronted, she shrugs it off as if it's no big deal.

 

I have also missed plenty of things with my friends in the past to see her, including my closest law school friend's last night in town before he moved because she wanted me to come see her early. Further, I don't think relationships should be things that cause you to abandon your lives/friends or feel as if you have to chose between one or the other.

 

My best friend lives 700 miles away from me and has since 2007. I see him twice a year. I can't, in good conscious, tell him I won't be there to see him this time. He never did that to me when he was engaged, and I won't do that to him.

 

I am going to go see my girlfriend tomorrow and tell her I am there to celebrate with her Friday night and I'll come back Saturday to see my friend. If she wants to dump me over it, then so be it.

[tart6245]

I am still stuck on the fact she uses Cocaine and you've asked her to stop and she won't, and that she had Oral Sex with another person and it was no big deal/not cheating because it was a woman and not a man??????????

 

What exactly are YOU getting from this relationship because you don't sound happy at all.

 

I agree with the last two posters - call her bluff and let her sink her own ship if seeing you on your own home turf with your buddy is important. She doesn't sound like LTR material. Sorry.

 

She points to the time I said I didn't think hooking up with a girl was cheating like it would be with a man. I didn't expect her to actually go and do it. I almost left her that morning when she told me, but after a day or so I stayed.

 

But she can sink her own ship if she acts crazy when I tell her I'm leaving Saturday to go meet my friend. Friends are important to me, and I'm not exactly happy she asks me to treat them so flippantly like they don't matter. If it were her in my shoes, I'd be completely fine waiting a week to celebrate.

[justwhoiam]

Respectfully, I don't think we see eye to eye on how relationships should work.

Which is how?

 

You make light of her cocaine use as if it is no big deal

You must have mistaken me for someone else.

 

and you miss the fact that it is the one thing I have asked of her during this entire relationship to do and she wouldn't do it.

I didn't miss that. I'm not sure where you get your facts, but you should do better if you intend to be a lawyer. Your strategy is not working with me. Don't put words in my mouth that I never said.

 

I don't think relationships should be things that cause you to abandon your lives/friends or feel as if you have to chose between one or the other.

This is something I didn't say either. Just sometimes choices are necessary (e.g. moving to a different town where you have no friends). But you know what? We can make friends our entire life!

 

He never did that to me when he was engaged, and I won't do that to him.

You're a bit repetitive.

 

I am going to go see my girlfriend tomorrow and tell her I am there to celebrate with her Friday night and I'll come back Saturday to see my friend. If she wants to dump me over it, then so be it.

This "relationship" is bound to go to the dogs anyway, I don't understand why you're staying in it.

[kendahke]

I met a girl about 10 months ago about 200 miles away from me during homecoming at my university. We started talking and eventually went out on Valentines day of 2014 (cheesy I know). After that, a month or so passed. We saw each other intermittently throughout the summer as I was studying for the bar exam.

 

After that ended, we started seeing each other every two weeks and got closer and closer. She had told me during the summer she loved me, and I told her I did too, but I never really thought about what our relationship was. I was so stressed out that all I could think about was the bar exam.

 

She tends to deal with insecurities and has never fully trusted me. She constantly accused me of cheating on her in the first few months when she'd see me talking to other girls on social media who I had known for years and years and never dated. She'd get angry at snap chat too even though I never had done anything wrong. I eventually agreed to stop talking to them and followed through with that.

 

This past week, a girl from Tinder who I had talked to about 7 months ago but never solicited for a date or sex, before I really thought about my current girlfriend as a girlfriend, texted me asking if I had passed the bar. I told her I had and that was the conversation we had, and that was it. I went with my girlfriend to New Orleans for New Years. On the last night, she saw the girls name on my phone and asked who it was, and I told her, and she flipped out and demanded to go through my phone. I told her who she was and what we had said, and she almost dumped he right there, claiming I was cheating on her despite our conversation being pleasantries and me ending it. I even told the girl I had a girlfriend.

 

We fought for almost two days until she finally told me she loved me and wanted a life with me again. She then told me she was basically planning her entire future around me moving closer to her, which might happen, but won't as long as my grandfather, who is 92, is sick. I am the only family he has here and I can't just leave town.

 

I don't know what to do. I am incredibly stressed over this, and she is having tendencies to pit me against my friends to prove to her I am loyal. I love her and I have been nothing but loyal to her for a long time. I am also stressed that she told me she wouldn't stay in the city she's in if she didn't think I was moving there. I don't want that kind of pressure on me.

 

Any advice would be appreciated. I have gone back and forth between breaking up or just trying to make it work, but there are massive issues I have with both of us that she just doesn't want to address.

 

Break up with her. This drama doesn't make any sense.

 

Her constant accusation of you cheating on her is her saying "you are a bald faced liar and I will never believe anything you say that doesn't follow the script I'm running in my head".

 

Do you honestly like the person you have to become in order to be with her?

[kendahke]

Well, I felt bad at how upset she got over me responding to the girl, but I am being completely honest when I say I have never once solicited sex or asked to meet up with anyone since we started dating, and I have turned down girls during the time we have been together when I could have easily cheated and gotten away with it.

 

This has been an issue for a long time with her, and she has a lot of anxiety and other issues, and takes them out on me. I don't think there is a way to fix it aside from breaking up. She claims she wants to work on it, but she never has when we discuss it.

 

The "working on it" is totally on her, not you. She is the one with the issues. There really isn't anything you can do because you're not doing anything to trigger her insanity. She's making the whole thing up in her head and acting like it's what's actually happening.

[kendahke]

My biggest issue now is she's made me feel like I am the bad person.

 

no one can make you feel anything that you haven't already given yourself permission to feel.

Responding to that girl I hadn't talked to in forever was wrong, but I don't think I did something that reprehensible by just telling them how my exam went.

 

responding to that girl was not wrong. You had an innocuous conversation with a woman. What? you can't talk to any females? Do you not see how absurd that is?

 

After all, in the past, she has gone out with plenty of guys, but her excuse is they know she has a boyfriend so she's okay. She's refused to stop doing cocaine when I asked her to several times. She even let a girl give her oral sex and acted like it was no big deal.

 

Ratchet.

She goes out with other guys---doesn't matter that they know she has a boyfriend. She can't tolerate you having an innocuous conversation with another woman. Hypocrite.

 

She does illegal drugs and she's cheated on you-just because it involves a woman doesn't mean it's not cheating. She had a sexual experience with someone who was not you. THAT is not cool. At. All.

 

The more I look at this relationship the more I don't understand it. I shouldn't feel like a bad boyfriend. I just spent a ton of money for her to go on vacation New Years Eve and now she's angry I won't turn around and come to see her in 3 days for her birthday. I am interviewing for positions right now at law firms and don't have unlimited income.

 

Here is what you can expect to have happen: (and I don't think you should go into hock to go see her for her birthday considering the amount of $$$ you just spent on her. Skype/FaceTime is good enough) She is going to act out on her birthday, get drunk/do coke and possibly screw another guy to retaliate because you won't do what she wants you to do. That is not the kind of girl you need to be with if you want peace of mind, home and heart.

 

I guess I will just email her and see how she responds and lay it all out there. I want this to work because we're great when we are together, but I just am not sure she can handle being away, and I have put up with a lot from her.

 

You need to be great when you are not together and that isn't the case with her.

[kendahke]

I just dont know.

 

Like tonight. Her birthday is this weekend. My best friend from my childhood, who I only get to see twice a year and is essentially my brother, is supposed to come to the city where I live late Saturday for an interview Monday and is staying at my house instead of getting a hotel.

 

Instead of trying to compromise, she is asking me to just leave him a key under the matt when he gets here and come spend the weekend with her. Yes, it's her birthday, but I just spent a ton of money to take her on vacation last week for New Years. She doesn't seem to give me any credit for that. Now I need to figure out how to handle this weekend.

 

Tell her "No. I will be staying home this weekend".

 

And do exactly that---take time to reconsider the wisdom in being in this relationship.. You need to take a giant step back from her until she's gone into some intensive therapy for her cocaine addiction and her penchant for cheating on you (yes, sex with members of the same sex is still cheating when you are in a committed relationship). And I'm talking about her being in therapy for a minimum of 18 months. This isn't going to be resolved in 6 weeks. She's got issues and SHE needs to resolve them.

 

I can assure you--there a PLENTY of women out there who are not addle-brain by coke abuse; who will treat you really well.

 

Peace of mind, heart and home. That is a worthy trait to find in a woman and this chick you're dealing with does not come equipped with that.

[tart6245]

I wish I hadn't now. We've been together now for over a year, but this weekend, we had another fight over the same ****, because a girl I had been friends with had sent me a picture of her cat on social media, which I couldn't stop unless I blocked her, and then my girlfriend immediately texts her OLD HOOKUP buddy and planned a trip with him.

 

She then claimed she wasn't serious doing it, but I'm furious. I need to just man up and end this thing. I told her I'd talk to her when I cooled off.

[shvrk]

i wish i hadn't now. We've been together now for over a year, but this weekend, we had another fight over the same ****, because a girl i had been friends with had sent me a picture of her cat on social media, which i couldn't stop unless i blocked her, and then my girlfriend immediately texts her old hookup buddy and planned a trip with him.

 

She then claimed she wasn't serious doing it, but i'm furious. I need to just man up and end this thing. I told her i'd talk to her when i cooled off.

 

end it.

She's wack as hell.