my harassment warning

[Radu]

One very unambiguous message up to my last message. The police approach counts as a second but obviously I would not dream of writing to her again now.

There is no 2nd, no count at all.

 

For most ppl, getting blocked means that it's over, the communication is done.

For you, Police getting involved is the 2nd strike out of 3 strikes and it's still up to debate.

 

It seems you don't get social cues, and you don't seem to understand that what the great mass of ppl decide is appropiate is appropiate.

If you don't agree, you can always go and live in the woods, or in a basement somewhere.

It is one of those things where you can't discuss things out ... accept it or not.

 

> None of that (her, going gallivanting/socialising with her etc) is on offer to you

 

I don't care, I try to orient my life around doing good, which is more than most people can say. If my social life has to suck (though it should do less so now that I've stopped trading), so be it.

This is a rationalization.

 

> You didn't make a mistake... only appear to now be accepting the message because the police got involved

 

We will agree to disagree. You don't know me and I've invited prejudice by writing under this name (no, not more delusions, I accept that the comments would still have been largely the same), and am now finding it rather depressing writing under this moniker.

Your name has nothing to do with ppl's replies.

It's all about the reactions that you had, and about the contents of your posts.

Even now, you still debate the fact that you don't seem to get social cues ... they are not debatable.

 

If you debate them, you don't get them.

 

Because the fact of the matter is, I never have, and hopefully never will, knowingly harm a fly (ok I'm not a vegetarian but you know what I mean). The involvement of the police was totally irrelevant. If she had confirmed the no herself rather than assuming that I must be a monster and going to the police then I would absolutely have accepted that and frankly the result would have been better I think for all concerned. Now she probably is still wondering if she really has seen the back of me.

This is what i mean.

What she thinks is still in your mind.

 

What should be on your mind is the fact that the warning can be found on an extensive background check.

 

All I did was send a few messages, and then due to an unusual coincidence, politely asked if I may write again following the 'no'. It was a pretty sick and unfortunate confluence of events whereby the situation got to the point it did.

Caused by you, because you either don't understand or refuse to accept, social cues.

 

> you'd be better just making a vow that never again will you question whether "I'm not interested" really means "I'm not interested"

 

I don't need to be making any vows. It is not in my nature to mistreat people but on this particular occasion my subconscious prevented the conscious from reaching the right conclusion for a little longer than would normally be the case. But she was never in any danger.

 

I'm starting to feel like I'm taking the fall for every sin committed by man when what I've done is nowhere near as bad as what many others have done. There was no genuine threat or malice. Anyhow I will recalibrate so that this sort of thing will not be happening again, and thanks for your feedback.

Accept that it happen, take the full responsability as laying even some of it at the feet of others will make it impossible to learn from it and move on.

Everything you have written in this last quote is rationalizations.

[bathtub-row]

Deleted by OP

Edited January 4, 2015 by bathtub-row

[Satu]

The woman concerned, everyone here, and the police, think what he did was unreasonable, but he believes that what he did was not wrong, because he saw a picture of some roses.

 

Did I miss something?

[evanescentworld]

Sadly....... no.

[bathtub-row]

Ok, let's say that we know the whole story. I don't think the butterfly comment was bad. I do think you should've disappeared after she blocked you but I also think that involving the police on the second message was a little extreme on her part. So, I'm going to assume that you're not a stalker and that you've learned from this experience. In that case, I can see why police involvement would be really unsettling.

Edited January 4, 2015 by bathtub-row

[Mittens]

I have to ask...why the god damned **** would you think a picture of roses meant she wanted you to contact her?

[stalker]

I see everything wrong with stalking and if I'd known that's what the effect of my actions was, I'd have ceased immediately.

 

I shouldn't have approached anonymously and should have realised the facebook block but thought (stupidly I admit) that there may have been another explanation. Wrote once more and then was told no. I was 100% intending to comply, but was so suprised by the roses that I politely wrote again just to make absolutely sure. What if she really had wanted to hear again from me. Though I now know from your feedback that the odds of this were miniscule.

 

You're all zealously determined to defend 'no means no' under all circumstances, but there will be countless relationships where a woman at first said no and was eventually won over. Like it or not the line between courting and stalking can sometimes be fine, and unwittingly straying from one to the other is a danger. One has to act interested, but not so interested as to cause alarm.

 

What about the woman who says, 'no, I've got a boyfriend', then splits up with him. Are you saying that the earlier no still applies. Aren't there circumstances where a polite reiteration of a question is warranted.

 

If she had at any point engaged me in a normal discussion and explained her feelings, the matter would have ended much earlier than it did. I'm not a monster and since I was being treated like one perhaps I was having more trouble rationalising the situation. I'm not trying to totally excuse what happened but I couldn't entirely make sense of it. Following the roses surprise, I needed that confirmation no to be sure and didn't imagine that it might cause significant distress.

 

> I can only imagine how you handle in person interactions.

 

Would you like to tell us about a mistake you've made and then perhaps we can try to form an opinion about you too

[stalker]

The woman concerned, everyone here, and the police, think what he did was unreasonable, but he believes that what he did was not wrong, because he saw a picture of some roses.

 

Did I miss something?

 

We all know what roses often symbolise. What are the odds of roses appearing in someones profile on a given day. 1000s to 1.

 

It was because it was such an unlikely thing, was one of the few ways she could have sent a message to me, and happened the day after I deleted my profile, that I wrote again (and that might have been the last time I ever looked at her profile). And all I did was ask a polite question.

 

> you either don't understand or refuse to accept, social cues.

 

I do accept them but given that what I thought to be a 1000 to 1 shot had transpired I just wanted to be absolutely sure.

[Satu]

We all know what roses often symbolise. What are the odds of roses appearing in someones profile on a given day. 1000s to 1.

 

It was because it was such an unlikely thing, was one of the few ways she could have sent a message to me, and happened the day after I deleted my profile, that I wrote again (and that might have been the last time I ever looked at her profile). And all I did was ask a polite question.

 

> you either don't understand or refuse to accept, social cues.

 

I do accept them but given that what I thought to be a 1000 to 1 shot had transpired I just wanted to be absolutely sure.

 

You are deluded.

[Zahara]

IYou're all zealously determined to defend 'no means no' under all circumstances, but there will be countless relationships where a woman at first said no and was eventually won over.

 

This was a woman you met briefly. She couldn't even remember who you were and when you sent her a picture of yourself as a reminder, she chose no contact. You are deluded in comparing your situation to a relationship.

 

Like it or not the line between courting and stalking can sometimes be fine, and unwittingly straying from one to the other is a danger. One has to act interested, but not so interested as to cause alarm.

 

Courting? You weren't courting. She wasn't reciprocating your interest.

 

What about the woman who says, 'no, I've got a boyfriend', then splits up with him. Are you saying that the earlier no still applies. Aren't there circumstances where a polite reiteration of a question is warranted.

 

The more you keep talking, the more I can see why getting the police involved was possibly the best way to keep you at bay.

 

If she had at any point engaged me in a normal discussion and explained her feelings, the matter would have ended much earlier than it did.

 

She didn't want to engage you, period. You aren't entitled to anything more than that. She's not responsible to pacify and appease you so that you can comfortably and quietly go away. She doesn't owe you anything.

 

I'm not a monster and since I was being treated like one perhaps I was having more trouble rationalising the situation. I'm not trying to totally excuse what happened but I couldn't entirely make sense of it. Following the roses surprise, I needed that confirmation no to be sure and didn't imagine that it might cause significant distress.

 

You're not a monster but you certainly have problems with respecting boundaries and taking no for an answer.

 

I had an ex stalk me on FB trying to engage contact. I changed my profile picture to a sunflower. No, that wasn't an indication that I was open to communication. I didn't want him to have any access to pictures of me.

[CALOVELY]

I see everything wrong with stalking and if I'd known that's what the effect of my actions was, I'd have ceased immediately.

 

I shouldn't have approached anonymously and should have realised the facebook block but thought (stupidly I admit) that there may have been another explanation. Wrote once more and then was told no. I was 100% intending to comply, but was so suprised by the roses that I politely wrote again just to make absolutely sure. What if she really had wanted to hear again from me. Though I now know from your feedback that the odds of this were miniscule.

 

You're all zealously determined to defend 'no means no' under all circumstances, but there will be countless relationships where a woman at first said no and was eventually won over. Like it or not the line between courting and stalking can sometimes be fine, and unwittingly straying from one to the other is a danger. One has to act interested, but not so interested as to cause alarm.

 

What about the woman who says, 'no, I've got a boyfriend', then splits up with him. Are you saying that the earlier no still applies. Aren't there circumstances where a polite reiteration of a question is warranted.

 

If she had at any point engaged me in a normal discussion and explained her feelings, the matter would have ended much earlier than it did. I'm not a monster and since I was being treated like one perhaps I was having more trouble rationalising the situation. I'm not trying to totally excuse what happened but I couldn't entirely make sense of it. Following the roses surprise, I needed that confirmation no to be sure and didn't imagine that it might cause significant distress.

 

> I can only imagine how you handle in person interactions.

 

Would you like to tell us about a mistake you've made and then perhaps we can try to form an opinion about you too

 

This is deeply disturbing. No, there is not a fine line between courting and scaring a woman to the point where she felt she needed to go to the police because you refused to stop harassing her. It is a pretty wide line.

 

This was not a mistake. You did this several times and continue to think what you did was acceptable. You do not take no to mean no, you view it as an invitation to pursue until the police get involved and even then you feel put upon because you cannot continue contact.

 

You need serious professional help. Please get it. This is not normal thinking.

Edited January 4, 2015 by CALOVELY

[stalker]

You are deluded.

 

A facebook profile is a picture that is saying something about a person or their interests. It often effectively sends a message about the type of person you are etc.

 

Facebook profiles can be used to send messages to people. That is a fact.

 

It was very unlikely but not impossible the roses were more than a coincidence, given the remarkable timing with which they appeared. I just wanted to make sure.

 

I'd told her I wouldn't be offended if she wasn't interested. I didn't think that asking a polite question could cause such a problem. I now know better and something like this will not be happening again.

[stalker]

The more you keep talking, the more I can see why getting the police involved was possibly the best way to keep you at bay.

 

What is so extraordinary here is how wrong you've all got me.

 

Your statement is complete and utter nonsense. I have no interest whatsoever in risking my reputation for the sake of someone I barely know.

 

I just wanted to find out if we might get along and since we're not going to that is absolutely fine.

 

If I was desperate to meet her I could returned at any time to the place I originally met her.

 

I approached her anonymously to REDUCE the chance that we would meet. I wanted to see if we would get along without her being too influenced by the work that I do.

[Zahara]

A facebook profile is a picture that is saying something about a person or their interests. It often effectively sends a message about the type of person you are etc. Facebook profiles can be used to send messages to people. That is a fact.

 

All irrelevant.

 

It was very unlikely but not impossible the roses were more than a coincidence, given the remarkable timing with which they appeared. I just wanted to make sure.

 

It was very likely. And if she wanted contact, seeing how persistent you were, she would have opened the door.

 

I'd told her I wouldn't be offended if she wasn't interested.

 

She had to tell you more than once and you still never got the hint.

 

I didn't think that asking a polite question could cause such a problem.

 

The question wasn't the issue. Contacting her after she had to tell you 3 times to stop contact led to a problem.

[stalker]

The question wasn't the issue. Contacting her after she had to tell you 3 times to stop contact led to a problem.

 

Get your facts straight. She told me ONCE. Albeit I was pretty stupid not to realise that my facebook account had been blocked. ONCE, and I then sent one further polite question.

[Mittens]

We all know what roses often symbolise.

 

I don't. So tell me. To me (and any other sane person out there) a picture of roses means someone like roses. End of.

[Satu]

The OP just doesn't get it.

 

I'm done with thread.

[stalker]

You do not take no to mean no, you view it as an invitation to pursue until the police get involved and even then you feel put upon because you cannot continue contact.

 

I take no to mean no, unless something exceptional happens in which case a very polite further request might be warranted. Although following this exchange I am prepared to admit that the circumstances would have to be very exceptional.

 

I did not pursue until the police were involved, I just sent one polite further question to make sure I had her previous answer correct. If she had confirmed it rather than the police the result would have been exactly the same, I would trouble her no further.

 

I am not put upon because I cannot continue contact. I am put upon because a word in the ear would have sufficed rather than the issue of an official document, which despite containing only allegations would appear in an enhanced criminal record check. However, following the vitriol that has flowed against me here I am starting to wonder if the officer let me off quite lightly (even though I presented no threat whatsoever to the girl in question).

[Zahara]

Get your facts straight. She told me ONCE. Albeit I was pretty stupid not to realise that my facebook account had been blocked. ONCE, and I then sent one further polite question.

 

Facts straight for sure. She had to TELL you in the form of blocking you, telling you and calling the police on you.

[Satu]

The OP just doesn't get it.

 

I'm done with this thread.

 

Typo corrected.

[Mittens]

You are getting vitriol because most of the people here can see that you are seriously deluded and even though the police have now got involved, you still don't see that you did anything wrong. And because you are so up your own ****ing arse that you think that anything this poor bloody woman does is meant only for you.

 

And you still haven't said why you thought her posting a picture of roses could ****ing possibly mean she would want you to contact her.

[stalker]

I don't. So tell me. To me (and any other sane person out there) a picture of roses means someone like roses. End of.

 

Ok that's useful to know, could save me some money, in the unlikely event that anyone is ever prepared to put up with a fiend like me I'll just send her some grass on valentine's day.

[CarrieT]

Facebook profiles can be used to send messages to people. That is a fact.

This is not a FACT.

 

This is why so many are telling you that you are deluded; because you are seeing small signs and warping them into a belief that it is directed towards you, when it is just something that has happened.

[Zahara]

Ok that's useful to know, could save me some money, in the unlikely event that anyone is ever prepared to put up with a fiend like me I'll just send her some grass on valentine's day.

 

So she changed her picture to red roses, and red roses to you means love/like (valentine's day) so you concluded that her posting that picture meant some level of interest?

[Mittens]

Nope, that still doesn't explain it. You managed to extrapolate that she wanted you to contact her because she posted a picture of roses, and that some men send roses to their girlfriends/wives/etc on Valentines Day?

 

****ing hell. With that sort of reasoning I can extrapolate that my fiance is about to surprise me with a trip to the Bahamas because he posted a picture of two of his friends on a beach.