evanescentworld Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 You need to block his access to you. You need to make sure you don't receive any message, text, email, call or even notification of his attempts to connect with you. Change your number. It's easier than you think, and 100% effective. I have been in situations where I had to change my number, twice and believe me, there is no hassle. But you really, really need to do that... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 You need to block his access to you. You need to make sure you don't receive any message, text, email, call or even notification of his attempts to connect with you. Change your number. It's easier than you think, and 100% effective. I have been in situations where I had to change my number, twice and believe me, there is no hassle. But you really, really need to do that... I thought I would do that, but I'm just not ready. I haven't contacted him and he hasn't contacted me. If he starts harassing me, I will. I don't expect that at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 I did buy Codependent No More and am expecting it in the mail early this week. I did read it once before, but I obviously need it again. Link to post Share on other sites
st peter Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 I'm probably too young to really understand what you're going through, but my instinct would be to simply tell him you love him, but he must choose between you and the bottle. my uncle overcame alcoholism when another one died from it. it can be done if there is something to aim for. maybe it could be something you to work through together? i wish you the best, alcoholism is no laughing matter, but it can be beaten, and you two sound like you love each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 We do love each other, that's been established by both of us. Problem is, we're miles and miles apart. He's in another state. He has claimed that we can not be together. He said, "when you look at your future, don't imagine me there". As it is with most alcoholics, he's in denial and doesn't accept or even acknowledge his part in the break up. I wish it was as easy as helping him with his addiction, and God knows I've tried, but it's bigger than me and he'll need to initiate the healing himself at this point. He did tell me not to ever ask him to stop drinking. I'm afraid for him and his health. He's had an esophageal bleeding which landed him in the hospital for three days. He's had 6 DUIs and spent time in prison twice. Lost touch with his kids and family. It's actually ruined his life and still he drinks. Thanks for your comment, I really do appreciate any feedback/support I can get. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 Didn't mean to put a smiley in there. Meant the opposite Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 I thought I would do that, but I'm just not ready. I haven't contacted him and he hasn't contacted me. If he starts harassing me, I will. I don't expect that at all. But he HAS contacted you.... he sends you texts which rip your heart right out of your ribcage.... I know it's hard, god help me, really, I DO know. But here's the thing: It's not about him. You can do nothing for, or about, him. This is all for you now, and in order for you to heal, accept, develop, evolve and move on, you HAVE to take the painful initiative, and get pro-active about warding off the inevitable pain that comes with reading his texts. You open his texts to read, with a mix of dread and hope. And each time, it just hurts so much.... I know it's the most difficult thing you could do, but you can't go backwards, now.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 I know you're right, you're absolutely right. It's been four or five days and I don't expect him to text or call at all. If he does it sort of empowers me to ignore it or erase it before I read or answer a call. I appreciate your advice, but I just am not ready to do that. We own a car together and to get it licensed in the state I'm now in (he's in Texas, I'm in Colorado) I need him to sign some documents. I will do what I have to do to get his name off of the registration when I can, that will cause me to carry the loan myself and I don't believe my credit will allow that. This may sound like an excuse and it probably is, but I'm simply not ready to block him. It wouldn't surprise me if he's blocked me. Thank you so much again, I do believe you understand. I hope so anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 I know you're right, you're absolutely right. It's been four or five days and I don't expect him to text or call at all. If he does it sort of empowers me to ignore it or erase it before I read or answer a call. I appreciate your advice, but I just am not ready to do that. We own a car together and to get it licensed in the state I'm now in (he's in Texas, I'm in Colorado) I need him to sign some documents. I will do what I have to do to get his name off of the registration when I can, that will cause me to carry the loan myself and I don't believe my credit will allow that. This may sound like an excuse and it probably is, but I'm simply not ready to block him. It wouldn't surprise me if he's blocked me. Thank you so much again, I do believe you understand. I hope so anyway. Just wanted to add that I'm in therapy once a week and attending a grief and loss support group. I'm also on meds for depression. I am trying and doing the best that I can. I have no desire to contact him because I know it would be more of the same and I'd just be right back at square one. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 Of course I do! Just keep posting, I hope it helps you. I'm rooting for you, and I really do admire the courage and resolve you are showing. I know you feel like crap right now, and you have a hole in the pit of your stomach, the size of the Canyon Diablo crater, but truly, you are soooo getting better.... Keep strong, and keep going. One thing you should know: He is weaker than you are. He writes things to you which you may feel undermine your strength of purpose, and appear to deride what you are doing - but it's because he isn't really as strong as you are..... And he knows this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 THANK YOU!!! I so appreciate that. Especially the part about him not being as strong as I am. I am trying so hard, I know there's no chance for us to be together again and I know that I don't want to ever feel the way I did before I left. I just somehow knew it was coming. I had to get out before I lost myself completely. Just wish I wouldn't have lost my home, everything I owned and my job, but it had to be that way. I'm on my way to feeling better, I just know it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 He called. I didn't answer. I can't imagine what he needed to say but I'm sure it had something to do with how bad I am and that he just couldn't see us together again....same old story. So glad I didn't answer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 How does attending your support group make you feel? And I know taking meds for depression is a bummer, but (and honestly, I truly am not preaching!) but Meditation might help you also calm the mind and find balance, serenity and contentment. I know several people who have personal psychological issues (to varying degrees... mental illness to mild depression) and they have benefited a great deal from practising Meditation. It's non-religious, you don't have to adopt the agonising distortion of "The Full-Lotus position" and it progressively benefits both mind and body. if you'd like some pointers, I can post a couple of links... Up to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 I was given a paper on meditation from my therapist and I used to practice it a few years ago. I will give it another try and I'd appreciate a few links. Thanks again! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 The support group is populated mostly with death and the grief that comes along with that. But it's still a loss and they are very supportive. It's nice to know that I'm not alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 This sounds good.... What you may like to investigate is to go to a good book-shop and see what audio/CDs they have on guided meditation/relaxation techniques. There are also many CDs available on boosting self-esteem, dealing with depression, grief and loneliness.... you may find much material online, and even through your local library.... I think anything you can get hold of to help, will be enormously positive... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 That's a great idea. I'm sure I can find something on Amazon. Thank you so much. I hadn't even thought of that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 12, 2015 Author Share Posted January 12, 2015 I did find some guided meditation on youtube. I've used it before and it left me feeling refreshed and calm. I'm still wondering why in the world he called. What is even left to say? He was either missing me or he thought of something else I did that made it impossible to live with me. Either one would have left me in tears. Still glad I didn't answer, yet I wonder... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 12, 2015 Author Share Posted January 12, 2015 I'm now a Colorado resident. I got my car licensed here today. I cried and cried. I miss my job and my home, my Texas. I miss him but not near as much as I miss my job and my life outside of our home. That tells me something. I just wish I hadn't left my whole life just to get out of a relationship with someone who couldn't love me. That's really my regret. I keep saying I'll go back one day and I will. Not to him, but to Texas. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 13, 2015 Author Share Posted January 13, 2015 I'm stuck again thinking about the good things, the good times. Absence makes my heart grow fonder and that's happening. I know it's over, I cannot go back, will not. But oh what a sweet man he was when sober. Almost had a child like charm, which is more likely true since people who start drinking at a young age don't mature normally. He was thoughtful and kind, sweet and loving. It was wonderful. But when he drank, every night, he was the opposite. It was killing me. I was just a thing, not a human being who loved him and was committed to him. None of that mattered when he drank. He believes drinking didn't change him, but it sure changed me. I became a whore, a crazy woman, a nag, a bitch, etc. Then the same old stories and sometimes tears of self pity or bragging about how tough he was for making it through prison. It was sickening, really it was. And i pitied him. I worried about his health because he's had serious health issues from his drinking in the past. I still am concerned about that. I almost expect to get a call someday telling me he's passes away. Such a waste. Anyway, it's a sad day for me. I need to do something good for me, something special and I just may do that. Today needs to be my day to enjoy. Not a day to relive all I've already lived. Just that, just that I miss him. Normal, right? Also, I bought the book Codependent No More, should be here tomorrow or the next day. I probably need to devour that book. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 This is going to happen. It's part of the process, because this is all so fresh, so new, so unexplored... you don't know WHAT to expect, when it comes to how your mind will work. You'll have bad days, better days, good days and ultimately great days. It takes a while. Remember to look at it almost as a bereavement. You ARE experiencing a loss, and it's irreversible, because you know you can never, and will never, go back to that. Part of you also, has been 'left behind' and in a way, your mourning is being sad for the good parts of you that you also lost along the way. Fortunately, that IS salvageable. That's what you have to work on. Finding the real, genuine article, and letting it shine again. What a brilliant time of year to be doing that - the Spring! How symbolic is that - ?! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 13, 2015 Author Share Posted January 13, 2015 I do have a lot to look forward to and after all this grieving, I should be so ready. Today is a day of grieving I'm afraid. I may take a long, hot bath to relax and then I'll wait for my new book to arrive. Really, really looking forward to that. Thank you again! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 13, 2015 Author Share Posted January 13, 2015 I broke the NC rule. I was home alone, cloudy day, feeling mournful and regretful so I called. He didn't answer. I'm ok and glad he didn't answer, at least a part of me is. Link to post Share on other sites
Jewels7 Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 We have all fallen off the NC wagon. I finally quit texting my ex (he always initiated and I responded) when I changed my number. It helped me, because I didn't want him to know that new number and I went to all that trouble to change it so why throw it away in a weak moment? Change his number in your phone to something like "I'm throwing all my self esteem out the window" or "every time you talk, the more you push back your healing." Okay so that might be too long... Change it to raging abusive alcoholic. because you might think... Well why would I want to talk to a raging abusive alcoholic" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kayann Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 How do I change the ringtone to something like that? I just went through some of my old journals, this has been going one since 2007, 8 years! I was on loveshack.com back then. He was doing the same things, I was doing no contact, etc., etc. I'm so sick of it and I ended up with nothing just to get away from him. Living with my father, all I own are my clothes, I really see no way out for a home of my own and a life again. I'm feeling sorry for myself but it really is very bleak for me. I don't know my way around, I isolate here with my 82 yr old father. My oldest son is going to be in town and he hasn't spoken to me in ten years. I was told he'd changed his mind and wanted a visit with me where I would get to meet my grandkids and then just yesterday I was told he'd changed him mind again and doesn't want to see me. Well, that was it. I fell apart. This was before I tried to call Jess and got no answer. I felt rejected and still do. I hate this. I know it will get better, but right now, I hate it. Link to post Share on other sites
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