To wives : how many of you could exist without sex with your husband?

[autumnnight]

I have to say OP, I don't like your stance. You are correct, you shouldn't ever be forced or guilted into having sex. Likewise then, your husband shouldn't be obligated to stay in a sexless marriage. You BOTH have the right for a happy, fulfilling life even if that means apart from one another. My story, my ex told me that she could go the rest of her life without sex and that would be okay with her. Myself, everyday is fine and sometimes not enough. It wasn't the ultimate demise of our marriage but to me was a clear symptom. I worked 50+ hours a week and still did the laundry, helped with the kids, etc. I wasn't perfect but I put a lot of effort into my marriage. My current wife, thought she was getting to that age where sex wasn't comfortable. Had to use lots of lube due to being extremely dry (verified by her sister in a hilarious conversation) and went to her doctor to have libido levels checked and other medical reason looked at. Now that we are together (she is 48 and I am 35) we have sex everyday and on most days 2-3 times a day. Never one time used lube. This may be TMI but she actually squirts quite often. Something she had never done before me. Sex is only a portion of our relationship and even though we have only been together for 2 years, she is my soulmate. We are true partners in every sense of the word. I feel empathy for your husband. I tried everything to make my marriage work, including MC, IC, and even psychologist appointments for my wife (recommended by her dr.) and nothing. To hear someone you care about say they could go the rest of their lives and never have sex again was a huge blow to my psyche. I already felt a failure for many other reasons and that was just the icing on the cake. I'd rather be single than in a marriage where I am not desired. I'd be willing to bet also that the two of you don't share many non-sex intimate moments either correct? Now that it is all said and done I feel I was used by my ex for financial gain, for my being a good father to my kids, and for social status. We live in small town and I think she liked being known as my wife. This is a serious problem in your marriage even if it isn't for you directly. Do you feel like it is fair to your husband? It seems something is severely out of balance.

 

Great post. Sadly, most of the women I know IRL or online who have the OP's lack of need for sex feel pretty much the same way: suck it up hubby!

[Diezel]

Great post. Sadly, most of the women I know IRL or online who have the OP's lack of need for sex feel pretty much the same way: suck it up hubby!

 

Then women wonder why a lot of men don't want to commit or just want to cohabitate rather than sign a contract for "Sexless life". It's not all of them, but it's women like this.

 

Trust me, he notices that whenever they have sex it's either scheduled or not as lustful as in their single days.

 

I'd cringe at the thought of a woman valuing baking over a couple's intimacy. And that's what gets me. If you ask most married men why they value sex, it's not the part where they ejaculate, it's the bond and the intimacy. I feel for this guy, because the "passive aggressive" nature of himself is probably part of that wonderful Catch-22 of his sex-life.

 

Probably because he realized his lifetime contract came with a bait-and-switch.

 

Yep, threads like these are the reason that other threads like "If we live together, why won't he marry me?" exist as well.

[jackslife]

^^^^^

 

Sadly the poor bloke is married to her with a couple of kids. He'd probably love to divorce her, but financially it would ruin him. She'd keep the house, the kids and he'd be expected to cough up alimony to boot.

 

So if he wants sex ever again it will cost him a fortune. I bet he wouldn't tolerate it if they didn't have children.

[autumnnight]

And of course, if he comes to any forum online and posts, the first thing that will happen is a bevy of hens asking him a litany of questions about whether he's being good enough to earn it....

[Thicke2013]

Great post. Sadly, most of the women I know IRL or online who have the OP's lack of need for sex feel pretty much the same way: suck it up hubby!

 

 

The reason for my comment that I don't like her stance is that IMO any problem inside of a marriage is an "our" problem not a "you" problem. She seems to have resided herself that it's her body and sex drive (or lack of it) and he can love it or lump it. Hell, right now my new wife and I are dealing with my ex over tax issues and you know what, we sat down last night and discussed what WE need to do. My new wife has no legal obligations to my ex wife but this problem affects "us" so "we" talk it through.

 

Not long after my wife and I started dating she had to have a total hysterectomy. Medically and personally speaking this was "her" problem. Had I taken the stance the OP has taken with her marriage as for her sex drive, then I would have told my gf at the time, "hey, this sucks but it really is your problem so how about you let me know when you are all healed up and I'll be back to see you." What I did instead is take 3 days off of work and stay at the hospital with her and also once she was at home. I cooked, cleaned, ran errands for her, etc.

 

Did I do this out of obligation because it was my duty? Not at all! I did those things to show her how much I loved her. To me, love and obligation cannot co-exist. If you are doing anything out of obligation it is not love and if you are doing it out of love it is not an obligation. OP, again, I am not suggesting that you have sex with your husband if it is not a desire of yours. I am suggesting that you and he explore options together to find the root of the problem and trust me it is a problem. He doesn't want your pity sex, but I am certain that he wants to be desired.

 

Show a man you desire him and watch your world change. A man that feels desired will make many efforts to keep the object of his affection happy and fulfilled. It is also a cycle. If I don't feel desired, then I don't do things that make my partner feel desired and thus the cycle of destruction begins. I promise you this affects your husband in ways you haven't even considered. For me, it affected my entire self worth. I began to question whether or not I was a good father, brother, son. Whether or not people around me simply tolerated me like my wife did. It sounds ludicrous now, but they were retched thoughts in my head and it all stemmed from not feeling good enough in my ex wife's eyes.

 

 

I say this in hopes that if you truly love your husband, maybe you could start the ball rolling down the right path. Start by doing the little things that you used to do for your husband when you were dating. Again, this may be TMI, but when my wife and I first started seeing one another we would meet up sometimes at lunch in a secluded spot for sex because our schedules at the time didn't allow us much alone time. Lately we have both been stressed with work, home, kids, you name it.

 

I went out for bread one night and passed this spot on my way home. It was also the 2 year anniversary of when we did this the first time. (yes I am a man and I remember dates, weird huh?) I text her and asked if she could peel away for a bit. At first she didn't realize what I was doing but then I asked if she could meet me at this place. She did, and when she pulled up she was grinning ear to ear. It was amazing. For about an hour, we were just a couple. Not mom's and dad's or employees. Just a couple.

 

OP, if you truly love your husband like you say you do then put action to it. Love is not a feeling but an action. Love is a verb. You love someone by how you treat them and the actions you put forth for their gain, not your own. If you say you love him, then love him with your actions.

Edited January 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Turtles]

Thicke what a great post, you put it a lot better than I could... I think OP has left but it's really not so much about the "duty sex" but rather showing that you care... It's weird because I usually think of women having more empathy but when it comes to sex it's like it doesn't count as a real problem.

[Thicke2013]

Thicke what a great post, you put it a lot better than I could... I think OP has left but it's really not so much about the "duty sex" but rather showing that you care... It's weird because I usually think of women having more empathy but when it comes to sex it's like it doesn't count as a real problem.

 

 

I have more of an insight to this than I would like to admit. My ex told me once during a discussion regarding this that sex was just an activity and not really even a part of the marriage. When I asked her what her definition of marriage or intimacy was she would get mad and shut down. I tried to explain to her that intimacy was so much more than the act of sex itself. We hardly ever even touched unless it was initiated by me and she began to expect it but wouldn't return it.

 

 

I remember clearly toward the end of our marriage one of the "AHA" moments for me was when I started marking the calendar by putting a green dot at the bottom of the day if we touched and a red one if we hadn't. When I say touch I mean even a hug or a kiss or even hand holding. At the end of the month there were only 4 days that entire month that we had touched at all. One stretch we nearly reached 2 weeks and hadn't touched much less been intimate. Physical touch for her was unnecessary and my need for it was my problem not hers. This had not always been the case much the same as the OP's situation.

 

 

OP I hope you at least come back and read these replies and if nothing else allows you to see possibly from your DH's perspective. I truly wish you and your H happiness and contentment.

[Diezel]

If you ask most married men why they value sex, it's not the part where they ejaculate, it's the bond and the intimacy.

 

I tried to explain to her that intimacy was so much more than the act of sex itself.

 

Just in case some of the women here have any doubts.

Twice in the same page. Read it, understand it, remember it.

[insert_name]

Then women wonder why a lot of men don't want to commit or just want to cohabitate rather than sign a contract for "Sexless life". It's not all of them, but it's women like this.

 

Trust me, he notices that whenever they have sex it's either scheduled or not as lustful as in their single days.

 

I'd cringe at the thought of a woman valuing baking over a couple's intimacy. And that's what gets me. If you ask most married men why they value sex, it's not the part where they ejaculate, it's the bond and the intimacy. I feel for this guy, because the "passive aggressive" nature of himself is probably part of that wonderful Catch-22 of his sex-life.

 

Probably because he realized his lifetime contract came with a bait-and-switch.

 

Yep, threads like these are the reason that other threads like "If we live together, why won't he marry me?" exist as well.

 

Yep, whenever singledom gets me down I take heart from threads like this, I'll take blue balls in exchange for my freedom. By contrast I can't imagine what it must be like to be joined by law to someone who no longer finds you attractive and either facing a lifetime of acceptance of this or a legal wrangle to liquidate the marriage.

 

I used to have a lot of time for the institution of marriage but after reading threads on here and elsewhere it seems to be a common theme of women going off sex usually after their reproductive duties have been achieved. I'm sure its not meant in that way but it does seem like the woman's body is all like 'there we go, I've done my bit - all I need is cuddles from now on!!'. It really is not worth the risk of putting yourself through this and I agree the more we learn about this phenomena the more men will avoid commitment- and rightly so.

 

There are two recurring themes that I see over and over again:

The wife stating to her husband that she is happy with a cuddle and therefore he should be too, like its a totally reasonable proposition

And the complete lack of empathy for the spouse who is not getting intimacy. The withholder typically knows there is an issue but does not see it as a problem that they have to confront. I've seen in other threads that the wife knows that she does not find the husband attractive yet won't confront him with this revelation and instead just try and avoid physical intimacy- a horrendous way of 'tackling' the problem.

 

What a horrible situation to be in, especially when there are kids and financial settlements involved. There is no way out of that without serious pain.

[insert_name]

And of course, if he comes to any forum online and posts, the first thing that will happen is a bevy of hens asking him a litany of questions about whether he's being good enough to earn it....

 

Ah yes, the 'what have you done for me lately?' trope, where all women are considered prizes to be competed for by men. I've never seen a woman be asked what she has done to earn the man whose attention she covets.

[CALOVELY]

Yep, whenever singledom gets me down I take heart from threads like this, I'll take blue balls in exchange for my freedom. By contrast I can't imagine what it must be like to be joined by law to someone who no longer finds you attractive and either facing a lifetime of acceptance of this or a legal wrangle to liquidate the marriage.

 

I used to have a lot of time for the institution of marriage but after reading threads on here and elsewhere it seems to be a common theme of women going off sex usually after their reproductive duties have been achieved. I'm sure its not meant in that way but it does seem like the woman's body is all like 'there we go, I've done my bit - all I need is cuddles from now on!!'. It really is not worth the risk of putting yourself through this and I agree the more we learn about this phenomena the more men will avoid commitment- and rightly so.

 

There are two recurring themes that I see over and over again:

The wife stating to her husband that she is happy with a cuddle and therefore he should be too, like its a totally reasonable proposition

And the complete lack of empathy for the spouse who is not getting intimacy. The withholder typically knows there is an issue but does not see it as a problem that they have to confront. I've seen in other threads that the wife knows that she does not find the husband attractive yet won't confront him with this revelation and instead just try and avoid physical intimacy- a horrendous way of 'tackling' the problem.

 

What a horrible situation to be in, especially when there are kids and financial settlements involved. There is no way out of that without serious pain.

 

Please understand that what you read here is not an accurate representation of marriage. Those that are unhappy are going to come to boards like this and complain. Those that are happy typically do not, so you are not going to hear the other side. If I took this place as gospel, being a virgin at 30 is commonplace. In other words, take everything here with a grain of salt.

[jackslife]

^^^^^

 

This is true. This website does attract people with a very specific axe to grind, the prevalence of betrayed spouses on here shows that. However, whilst it is true that this thread is attracting a lot of people in unhappy sexless marriages, it doesn't alter the fact that 42% of all marriages will end in divorce (the official UK statistic, not sure about the US).

 

Combine that with a survey that over 50% of people regret marrying at all (loss of independence being the primary cause) and a third believing they married the wrong person, it does point to the fact that statistically your marriage is more likely to end in divorce/be unhappy than be happy.

 

If it wasn't for having children, why would you bother?

[waterwoman]

And of course, if he comes to any forum online and posts, the first thing that will happen is a bevy of hens asking him a litany of questions about whether he's being good enough to earn it....

 

But (ignoring the rather sexist terminnology in this post), you are argung against thicke's last post - he is emphasising that marriages need give and take. It isn't about 'earning' anything, it's about making your spouse feel loved and valued whether it's with sharing your body and your emotions during sex or about sharing the housework. I don't want to lay myself open emotionally and make love with a man who makes me feel undervalued in any way (which would include treating me as an unpaid housekeeper) and vice versa.

[Diezel]

Please understand that what you read here is not an accurate representation of marriage. Those that are unhappy are going to come to boards like this and complain. Those that are happy typically do not, so you are not going to hear the other side. If I took this place as gospel, being a virgin at 30 is commonplace. In other words, take everything here with a grain of salt.

 

Might not be an accurate representation of marriage, but it still serves as a warning for all those who are considering it. Just because it doesn't happen to all marriages, it doesn't mean that it doesn't happen to some.

[jackslife]

With a divorce rate of nearly 50%, men especially should be warned of the reality of what happens when it goes wrong. Way too much time and money spent on organising a lovely wedding, and not enough facing up to the truth of what can happen.

[MJJean]

Lol, I don't choose masturbation over the real deal. Sometimes our work schedules clash and when the urge is overwhelming, well, a girl's gotta do what she's gotta do (It beats starving to death )

 

My husband is a truck driver. Back when he was working regional he was gone anywhere from 3-9 days at a time. I had to survive on tofu. It sucked.

 

Now that he's local I can usually wait until he gets home and the kids are either in bed or occupied. We've been together for 15 years, married 12. I just can't imagine not wanting sex in general and my DH in particular. Especially since I turned 30 and my hormones started jumping up and down like a teenage boys. I'm nearing 40 now and it hasn't let up. 5 more years and my youngest will be out of the house. Heaven help my husband. He'll be lucky to survive me without the restrictions of having kids wandering around the house. I'll probably be pouncing on him when we're so old our wrinkles interlock.

[MJJean]

With a divorce rate of nearly 50%, men especially should be warned of the reality of what happens when it goes wrong. Way too much time and money spent on organising a lovely wedding, and not enough facing up to the truth of what can happen.

 

A lot of people never take into account when getting married what it will be like being married. They think the vows are sweet, but don't think that "better or worse" might mean a long sexual dry spell or that "sickness and health" might mean a terrible tragedy and one spouse having to care for the other who has become disabled.

 

The wedding is one day, folks, the marriage lasts decades. A lot can happen in decades.

[autumnnight]

But (ignoring the rather sexist terminnology in this post), you are argung against thicke's last post - he is emphasising that marriages need give and take. It isn't about 'earning' anything, it's about making your spouse feel loved and valued whether it's with sharing your body and your emotions during sex or about sharing the housework. I don't want to lay myself open emotionally and make love with a man who makes me feel undervalued in any way (which would include treating me as an unpaid housekeeper) and vice versa.

 

For you, the bolded phrase may be very specific and reasonable. I have encountered many women for whom that phrase covers pretty much everything but near perfection. In fact, I know one woman who is proud of the fact that if she has a disagreement with her husband, she withholds for WEEKS until he has made amends or made her fall back in love or whatever. That isn't give and take; it's manipulation.

 

Most people don't post on forums, especially about sex, until they are pretty desperate. So to have worked up the courage to post about your spouse withholding intimacy only to be basically told you aren't doing enough to get any is pretty disheartenening.

[waterwoman]

For you, the bolded phrase may be very specific and reasonable. I have encountered many women for whom that phrase covers pretty much everything but near perfection. In fact, I know one woman who is proud of the fact that if she has a disagreement with her husband, she withholds for WEEKS until he has made amends or made her fall back in love or whatever. That isn't give and take; it's manipulation.

 

Most people don't post on forums, especially about sex, until they are pretty desperate. So to have worked up the courage to post about your spouse withholding intimacy only to be basically told you aren't doing enough to get any is pretty disheartenening.

 

Of course. I agree. You are talking about extremes. I don't agree with giving sex as a reward or withholding it as a punishment. But I am sure you can comprehend that sex with someone who isn't loving in their behaviour is a generally bad idea.

[spanz1]

So would you mind if your husband had an affair then? And if he did, what would you do?

 

 

 

I am sure he already is. and so are the husbands of the sexless women in her koffee klatch too. she is just lucky she has a milktoast husband...a man would not tolerate that attitude.

[Methodical]

I used to have a lot of time for the institution of marriage but after reading threads on here and elsewhere it seems to be a common theme of women going off sex usually after their reproductive duties have been achieved. I'm sure its not meant in that way but it does seem like the woman's body is all like 'there we go, I've done my bit - all I need is cuddles from now on!!'.

 

Um...no, this isn't a body issue, it's a mental issue. I'm sure there are lots of men who'd be somewhat understanding if their partner were physically incapable, but 98% of the time, that isn't the case and resentment builds, understandably so. Nobody wants to feel like they were used as a sperm donor. Likewise, there are women who feel like they were used as a warm hole or arm candy. In either case, casting your partner aside and expecting them to be happy after the "mission" has been accomplished is asinine.

 

I didn't get married to have a roommate to help pay the bills and I don't know of a man on the planet who doesn't feel the same way. (I'm a woman in case that's not evident.) I'm not saying it's right, but any spouse, male or female, who is no longer interested in their partner, sexually, should expect negative consequences, be it a very unhappy and dysfunctional marriage, divorce or an affair. If one individual no longer wants sex, then perhaps they should consider an open marriage. That way, the withholder isn't obligated or pressured, and the one in need is able to fill that void. At the end of the day, they're still married, and both are getting what they want. That sounds harsh but it's not fair to force a celibate lifestyle on someone when that's not what they signed up for.

[autumnnight]

Of course. I agree. You are talking about extremes. I don't agree with giving sex as a reward or withholding it as a punishment. But I am sure you can comprehend that sex with someone who isn't loving in their behaviour is a generally bad idea.

 

I think if a spouse is genuinely being unloving on a consistent basis, then it would make sense that a woman wouldn't want to be intimate with him. I do wonder, however, how many men become distant, less loving, grumpy, etc. because they are having so little sex. It can be a chicken/egg thing. And almost everywhere I have read on the web, it is sort of expected that the man's job (or whoever is being denied sex) is to be as perfect as possible for as long as possible until the women (or denier) feels like doing it.

 

I'm not 100% sure that is always the best go to method, as real human people are not made from cookie cutters.

[anika99]

OP I don't know if you are still reading this thread but if you are I just want to say that you are hurting your husband a lot more than you think you are.

 

 

You are not just causing him sexual frustration but you are rejecting him as a man and hurting him to his core.

 

 

I'm a woman and I once had a relationship with a man who didn't seem to sexually desire me and it was amazing how much of an effect that had on my entire sense of self. He used to tell me that it wasn't my fault and that he just wasn't a very sexual person so I tried to accept it but after a couple of years I just couldn't take it anymore.

 

 

Sure I had a ton of sexual frustration in that relationship but even worse my self esteem began to suffer. I felt undesirable and unlovable. The constant rejection started to wear on my self worth and I started to do strange things. I chopped off all of my hair and stopped even trying to be attractive. I felt like I was bf's buddy not his gf and I became depressed and unhappy. After 2 years of this I left because I realized that it didn't matter what his reasons were for not having sex with me. The rejection was damaging to me and I had to put a stop to it.

 

 

Since you and your husband have been together for years and share kids he probably won't just walk out the door (although you never know) but what you are doing to him is cruel and hurtful. If he was just walking around horny and unsatisfied that would be one thing but being sexually rejected on a regular basis causes so much more pain then just sexual frustration. It wrong for you to do that to your husband. It doesn't matter that you have a bunch of friends who are also rejecting their husbands, it's still wrong.

 

 

And no, it isn't normal to lose your sex drive in your mid thirties. I don't know why you think all 40 year old women are faking their sexual enjoyment as that just isn't the case. I didn't really start enjoying sex until I was about 25 and then it just got better and better as the years went by. Many women feel that they are having the best sex of their lives in their forties and I can attest to that.

[JADIE]

 

And no, it isn't normal to lose your sex drive in your mid thirties. I don't know why you think all 40 year old women are faking their sexual enjoyment as that just isn't the case. I didn't really start enjoying sex until I was about 25 and then it just got better and better as the years went by. Many women feel that they are having the best sex of their lives in their forties and I can attest to that.

 

THIS. And I am mid-fifties, in love and having the absolute best sex of my life. The husband of my youth withheld sex as "punishment" whenever he was peeved, which seemed to be quite frequently. No small wonder the marriage lasted a scant five years. I'm now in love with a man whose 35 yr marriage ended when his wife moved back home with her parents, utterly destroying his sense of self. I could no more hurt this man (sexually or otherwise) than cut off my own arm.

[spanz1]

The husband of my youth withheld sex as "punishment".

 

pretty much the ONLY time that is ok is if chains and whips are involved. Otherwise...reserve the acting mad stuff until AFTER the sex part is done.