Should I reach out to exMOM?

[october87]

My story is on the infidelity forum if you want to check it out. I initiated NC with my exMOM back in October/November-ish. I did it with no warning to him, just cut off all contact and blocked him on facebook (which is the only way I told him I would keep in contact with him) and deleted my FB messenger. About a week ago I decided to unblock him, just being curious if everything was working out for him. I see that he hasn’t been posting anything interesting really, but that he has some sad/depressing statuses that started after I went NC with him. I see he also deleted his facebook messenger, probably because I deleted mine and blocked him but then again I don’t really know.

 

He still isn’t wearing his wedding ring in any of his family pics and he has not added any pics of his wife on the holidays. I miss the friendship we had before things crossed the line, I wish it was ok if I just reached out here and there. No more intimate conversations but just generic greetings like happy holidays or if it was his Bday. On Christmas he had a depressing status about not being in the spirit and not being happy this Christmas. I wonder if I should have at least warned him I was going to stop all communication first…

Edited December 29, 2014 by october87

[Broom]

It's important for the context. Why are you trying or thinking about him now? What has happened that is making you want to go back? What do you expect to change?

[whichwayisup]

My story is on the infidelity forum if you want to check it out. I initiated NC with my exMOM back in October/November-ish. I did it with no warning to him, just cut off all contact and blocked him on facebook (which is the only way I told him I would keep in contact with him) and deleted my FB messenger. About a week ago I decided to unblock him, just being curious if everything was working out for him. I see that he hasn’t been posting anything interesting really, but that he has some sad/depressing statuses that started after I went NC with him. I see he also deleted his facebook messenger, probably because I deleted mine and blocked him but then again I don’t really know.

 

He still isn’t wearing his wedding ring in any of his family pics and he has not added any pics of his wife on the holidays. I miss the friendship we had before things crossed the line, I wish it was ok if I just reached out here and there. No more intimate conversations but just generic greetings like happy holidays or if it was his Bday. On Christmas he had a depressing status about not being in the spirit and not being happy this Christmas. I wonder if I should have at least warned him I was going to stop all communication first…

 

No, don't contact him. So what if you miss him, you chose to end it and cut him out of your life. He is still married. You really know nothing about his life, what goes on behind closed doors, so just because you see glimpses of whatever on his facebook doesn't mean anything.

 

Block him again and continue on your healing path.

[evanescentworld]

No, you shouldn't have, and no you shouldn't reach out.

 

Short, sweet and to the point.

[october87]

It's important for the context. Why are you trying or thinking about him now? What has happened that is making you want to go back? What do you expect to change?

Well I was just being nosy on FB, I didn't have any intentions to contact him or anything. But then when I saw how down he has been lately and it's not like him at all to share his emotions on FB, I just wanted to reach out and see if he is ok. I don't expect anything to change really. I don't have any expectations anymore.

[october87]

No, don't contact him. So what if you miss him, you chose to end it and cut him out of your life. He is still married. You really know nothing about his life, what goes on behind closed doors, so just because you see glimpses of whatever on his facebook doesn't mean anything.

 

Block him again and continue on your healing path.

Thanks and you are correct. I do not know anything about his life at this point. It's just not like him to do that, we have been friends for years so I just didn't know if I was cruel for how I went NC.

[Broom]

Well I was just being nosy on FB, I didn't have any intentions to contact him or anything. But then when I saw how down he has been lately and it's not like him at all to share his emotions on FB, I just wanted to reach out and see if he is ok. I don't expect anything to change really. I don't have any expectations anymore.

 

 

Hmm, no. I suspect the underlying wish here was this:

 

1. You got a little sense of satisfaction in seeing that his world has been worse since you went NC. That conveyed your value and importance to his life, which made you feel better about yourself.

 

2. You subconsciously (or consciously) hoped that he would notice you unblocked him. Thusly, he would send you message and initiate contact. Then you wouldn't be in this position because it would be easier to tell yourself, "Well, I guess I should respond... I don't want to be rude"

 

3. But now that he didn't respond, you are unsure if he is even aware that you've unblocked him and want to do something to make it 100% known that you're available to be contacted. The problem is - the only solution would be to message him first.

 

You wanted an ego boost, I think.

[whichwayisup]

Stop being nosy...Yes you're curious but for the wrong reasons. You two are done. There's no friendship, no casual hello, how are you etc. It's been months and he hasn't tried to contact you either so let this go. It's not your concern now to know if he is OK or not. I highly doubt he's fallen apart, can't get out of bed. He has a wife and a family, I'm sure he spent the holidays with them and is continuing to live life.

[october87]

Hmm, no. I suspect the underlying wish here was this:

 

1. You got a little sense of satisfaction in seeing that his world has been worse since you went NC. That conveyed your value and importance to his life, which made you feel better about yourself.

 

2. You subconsciously (or consciously) hoped that he would notice you unblocked him. Thusly, he would send you message and initiate contact. Then you wouldn't be in this position because it would be easier to tell yourself, "Well, I guess I should respond... I don't want to be rude"

 

3. But now that he didn't respond, you are unsure if he is even aware that you've unblocked him and want to do something to make it 100% known that you're available to be contacted. The problem is - the only solution would be to message him first.

 

You wanted an ego boost, I think.

You may be correct about the rest, mainly subconsciously, because there is no way for him to notice at all I unblocked him. NONE. So I don't think I wanted him to notice (but then again maybe I did). As far as message me, well I do not have the messenger app so that's that. What I bolded I disagree with, I have no idea if his sad feelings have anything to do with me, they could be about his wife for all I know. All I am saying is that he didn't do it until after I went NC and it is not like him to do that.

[DKT3]

I told you a month ago that you would be back in this affair or you would start up with another guy.

 

You simply don't get it. If you had the ability to just be friends then you would have never crossed the line in the first place. There are feelings involved that go beyond friendship. How do you keep them in check?

 

Not to mention how do you fix your relationship while maintaining contact with the man who reminds you of where your boyfriend falls short in your eyes? Two months and your still in the same place. You may not be in two way contact but you are still in contact, stalking him on social media and trying to justify a way to keep him active in your life. I asked you this before and you avoided it. How you feel if your BF was still friends with the ONS woman? Would you think that was ok? Of course you wouldn't, so why is it ok for you.

 

This is the reason so many say you have to confuss infidelity if you intend to continue in the relationship. You have no checks and balance, nor have you had to face your actions the way your BF did. He at least had enough respect for you to confess, for whatever reason.

 

After a month, if he hasn't figured that your done then contacting him to tell him won't help him out. However, we all know that is just your cover story to spark up a relationship with him again. Maybe also an element of knowing he still desires you, since you spoke so much and read a lot into his "sad" comments as being about not having you.

 

Why can't you just move forward?

[october87]

Stop being nosy...Yes you're curious but for the wrong reasons. You two are done. There's no friendship, no casual hello, how are you etc. It's been months and he hasn't tried to contact you either so let this go. It's not your concern now to know if he is OK or not. I highly doubt he's fallen apart, can't get out of bed. He has a wife and a family, I'm sure he spent the holidays with them and is continuing to live life.

I do want to point out that I blocked the only way I would let him contact me...Facebook. When we were still talking, I told him I only wanted to communicate on FB and then I blocked him. After that at some point he deleted his messenger and I believe it's because I was no longer on there. His phone numbers are blocked to, so I have NO IDEA if he tried, maybe he did, maybe he didn't. Thank you for your advice.

[october87]

I told you a month ago that you would be back in this affair or you would start up with another guy.

 

You simply don't get it. If you had the ability to just be friends then you would have never crossed the line in the first place. There are feelings involved that go beyond friendship. How do you keep them in check?

 

Not to mention how do you fix your relationship while maintaining contact with the man who reminds you of where your boyfriend falls short in your eyes? Two months and your still in the same place. You may not be in two way contact but you are still in contact, stalking him on social media and trying to justify a way to keep him active in your life. I asked you this before and you avoided it. How you feel if your BF was still friends with the ONS woman? Would you think that was ok? Of course you wouldn't, so why is it ok for you.

 

This is the reason so many say you have to confuss infidelity if you intend to continue in the relationship. You have no checks and balance, nor have you had to face your actions the way your BF did. He at least had enough respect for you to confess, for whatever reason.

 

After a month, if he hasn't figured that your done then contacting him to tell him won't help him out. However, we all know that is just your cover story to spark up a relationship with him again. Maybe also an element of knowing he still desires you, since you spoke so much and read a lot into his "sad" comments as being about not having you.

 

Why can't you just move forward?[/QUOTE]

I am not in an affair with him again and I do not have another man on the side. My BF did not confess anything, I found out what he did in a truly messed up way that I am probably still not over today. I have never sad those comments were about me, just that the timeline was weird, they could be about his wife. I was moving forward and then I had a slip back. I am second guessing my decision now. I have not acted on anything and I am here trying to check myself again.

[DKT3]

I told you a month ago that you would be back in this affair or you would start up with another guy.

 

You simply don't get it. If you had the ability to just be friends then you would have never crossed the line in the first place. There are feelings involved that go beyond friendship. How do you keep them in check?

 

Not to mention how do you fix your relationship while maintaining contact with the man who reminds you of where your boyfriend falls short in your eyes? Two months and your still in the same place. You may not be in two way contact but you are still in contact, stalking him on social media and trying to justify a way to keep him active in your life. I asked you this before and you avoided it. How you feel if your BF was still friends with the ONS woman? Would you think that was ok? Of course you wouldn't, so why is it ok for you.

 

This is the reason so many say you have to confuss infidelity if you intend to continue in the relationship. You have no checks and balance, nor have you had to face your actions the way your BF did. He at least had enough respect for you to confess, for whatever reason.

 

After a month, if he hasn't figured that your done then contacting him to tell him won't help him out. However, we all know that is just your cover story to spark up a relationship with him again. Maybe also an element of knowing he still desires you, since you spoke so much and read a lot into his "sad" comments as being about not having you.

 

Why can't you just move forward?[/QUOTE]

I am not in an affair with him again and I do not have another man on the side. My BF did not confess anything, I found out what he did in a truly messed up way that I am probably still not over today. I have never sad those comments were about me, just that the timeline was weird, they could be about his wife. I was moving forward and then I had a slip back. I am second guessing my decision now. I have not acted on anything and I am here trying to check myself again.

 

Hmm, I was pretty sure you once posted he confessed but only because others knew about it.

 

Your words say your not in the affair again, but mentally you still are. Trying to justify being friends. And again you avoided the question about BF being friends with ONS woman.

 

What decision are you second guessing? Ending the affair?

[october87]

 

Hmm, I was pretty sure you once posted he confessed but only because others knew about it.

 

Your words say your not in the affair again, but mentally you still are. Trying to justify being friends. And again you avoided the question about BF being friends with ONS woman.

 

What decision are you second guessing? Ending the affair?

Maybe confusing me with someone else? I have never gone into detail on this board about my BF's ONS, only my affair. I mean yea he told me everything AFTER I busted him out...is that considered a confession?

 

No I wouldn't like it if he was friends with his ONS, of course not. I don't want to be friends in the true sense of the word, I know we can't have that. We can't talk everyday or see each other anymore. But I don't see the big deal about sending a holiday greeting or birthday message every once in awhile, maybe I don't get that because I have exes I do that with...

[october87]

 

Hmm, I was pretty sure you once posted he confessed but only because others knew about it.

 

Your words say your not in the affair again, but mentally you still are. Trying to justify being friends. And again you avoided the question about BF being friends with ONS woman.

 

What decision are you second guessing? Ending the affair?[/QUOTE]

I'm second guessing my true feelings I guess. I thoguht I felt one way strongly and now I am not so sure.

[denise_xo]

No I wouldn't like it if he was friends with his ONS, of course not. I don't want to be friends in the true sense of the word, I know we can't have that. We can't talk everyday or see each other anymore. But I don't see the big deal about sending a holiday greeting or birthday message every once in awhile, maybe I don't get that because I have exes I do that with...

 

Why does it matter if you do or don't? What exactly are you losing out on if you just give it a pass?

[october87]

 

Why does it matter if you do or don't? What exactly are you losing out on if you just give it a pass?

Because it seems like he is the only person I can't do that with and I think it's stupid and making something a bigger deal than what it is. I could see if he was like "dont ever contact me again" but it wasn't like that, he wanted to still talk from time to time.

 

I guess I'm not really losing anything.

[denise_xo]

Because it seems like he is the only person I can't do that with and I think it's stupid and making something a bigger deal than what it is. I could see if he was like "dont ever contact me again" but it wasn't like that, he wanted to still talk from time to time.

 

I guess I'm not really losing anything.

 

To the first bold: I think you got a lot of reasons for that explained in this thread, and I'd agree with most of them:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/502766-why-can-t-you-friends-ex-affair-partner

 

Unless you want to invite your exMOM to a dinner with your BF, leave it.

 

To the second bold: in that case, it's really easy - just give it a pass. Nothing to gain, a lot to potentially lose.

[DKT3]

Maybe confusing me with someone else? I have never gone into detail on this board about my BF's ONS, only my affair. I mean yea he told me everything AFTER I busted him out...is that considered a confession?

 

No I wouldn't like it if he was friends with his ONS, of course not. I don't want to be friends in the true sense of the word, I know we can't have that. We can't talk everyday or see each other anymore. But I don't see the big deal about sending a holiday greeting or birthday message every once in awhile, maybe I don't get that because I have exes I do that with...

 

How many of those exes did you cheat on your current partner with? How many do you secretly contact?

 

Affairs don't usually start off with feelings and sex, they start with friendship then lines are slowly crossed until it seems impossible to turn back. Contacting him for holidays then turn to have a nice weekend the have a nice day right into meet at the motel 6.

 

Of course your doubting, you can't mentally and emotionally let go of the MOM. Maybe its time to change the dynamic. Confess, if you don't feel that is an options the it maybe time to start thinking about being single. You are closing in on two months no contact and in many ways it seems like a few days. It seems that you are more confussed now then you were when you started. My theory on this is because you still have the option, in your mind you know you can still have both your relationship and the affair. So you battle yourself as to why you have to end the affair. Draw on your feelings of being betrayed with a one time thing, them triple that becaue you have/had an on going emotional and physical affair. That means planning, lying, manipulation. Is that what you want for your boyfriend?

[october87]

 

How many of those exes did you cheat on your current partner with? How many do you secretly contact?

 

Affairs don't usually start off with feelings and sex, they start with friendship then lines are slowly crossed until it seems impossible to turn back. Contacting him for holidays then turn to have a nice weekend the have a nice day right into meet at the motel 6.

 

Of course your doubting, you can't mentally and emotionally let go of the MOM. Maybe its time to change the dynamic. Confess, if you don't feel that is an options the it maybe time to start thinking about being single. You are closing in on two months no contact and in many ways it seems like a few days. It seems that you are more confussed now then you were when you started. My theory on this is because you still have the option, in your mind you know you can still have both your relationship and the affair. So you battle yourself as to why you have to end the affair. Draw on your feelings of being betrayed with a one time thing, them triple that becaue you have/had an on going emotional and physical affair. That means planning, lying, manipulation. Is that what you want for your boyfriend?

 

None. I have never cheated on my BF prior to this. I had a close friendship with an ex who still cared about me so I guess this might have been an emotional affair BUT I was 18 at the time and didn't truly understand that was what I was doing. I cut him off because I didn't feel the same but never told my BF.

 

Yes it does feel like only a couple days of NC, this part bothers me alot. I wanted to feel better by now, not miss him still. I feel like my 2 months was all for nothing.

 

BUT it is not affecting my life or slowing me down. My daughter had a wonderful Christmas, I am starting school for my MSN in a couple months, I still work out everyday, I still hang out with friends and my sister. I still shop, do my hair and makeup. My BF tells me I'm beautiful so I don't need that validation from anywhere, and things are fine for us right now, I mean they weren't horrible to begin with...but depsite all that, I still miss exMOM and would like to talk to him. I feel like my NC was a failure and I should give it up.

 

I have seen my therapist a couple times and I like her alot. She is helping me work on childhood issues and better ways to cope with those issues and the lack of affection from my BF. We plan to do couple conseuling before we get married. But my therpaist actually mentioned reaching out to exMOM, I can't remember her exact words, but something along those lines and it confused me sooo much. I don't want to switch therapist because she is really helping with my childhood issues...

Edited December 29, 2014 by october87

[denise_xo]

I still miss exMOM and would like to talk to him. I feel like my NC was a failure and I should give it up.

 

Just hang in there. It will fade, and things can only get better if you stick to NC.

[october87]

Just hang in there. It will fade, and things can only get better if you stick to NC.

 

I do hope so. People say all the time, just focus your thoughts elsewhere, just don't think about him, concentrate on you. But my problem is my mind can think of alot of different things at once. So yes I am focused on me, staying healthy and in shape, looking good and feeling good, preparing to go back to school. I am focused on my daughter, all her afterschool activities and hobbies. I am focused on my relationship (even if it isn't evident on this board), I have been forcing more convo on my BF about my day at work, I just keeping talking instead of getting down about how quiet he is and it actually sparks him to keep the convo going since I don't give up as easliy now. Now I just hug him whenever I feel like and kiss him randomly out of nowhere. I am SHOWING him what I want and he is picking up on it. The other day he hugged me for no reason.

 

BUT I still have room in my mind to think of MOM, I am not terribly sad anymore and I don't cry or long for him. I don't miss the intimate details of what happened between us, just the friendship. I wish I could focus on one thing at a time but I have always been like this...there is room for everyone in my mind.

[Sub]

People who are genuinely sad or depressed don't put it in a FB status. The sort of thing he's doing is just to get attention and have people feel sorry for him, IMO. So don't feed into it. Actually, just stop using FB as a barometer for the current state of his life or M.

[DKT3]

 

None. I have never cheated on my BF prior to this. I had a close friendship with an ex who still cared about me so I guess this might have been an emotional affair BUT I was 18 at the time and didn't truly understand that was what I was doing. I cut him off because I didn't feel the same but never told my BF.

 

Yes it does feel like only a couple days of NC, this part bothers me alot. I wanted to feel better by now, not miss him still. I feel like my 2 months was all for nothing.

 

BUT it is not affecting my life or slowing me down. My daughter had a wonderful Christmas, I am starting school for my MSN in a couple months, I still work out everyday, I still hang out with friends and my sister. I still shop, do my hair and makeup. My BF tells me I'm beautiful so I don't need that validation from anywhere, and things are fine for us right now, I mean they weren't horrible to begin with...but depsite all that, I still miss exMOM and would like to talk to him. I feel like my NC was a failure and I should give it up.

 

I have seen my therapist a couple times and I like her alot. She is helping me work on childhood issues and better ways to cope with those issues and the lack of affection from my BF. We plan to do couple conseuling before we get married. But my therpaist actually mentioned reaching out to exMOM, I can't remember her exact words, but something along those lines and it confused me sooo much. I don't want to switch therapist because she is really helping with my childhood issues...

 

Marriage shouldn't even be on the table, hell it shouldn't even be in the room.

 

As far as your therapist goes, well would you go to a OBGYN if you had a back problem. If she isn't a therapist that does infidelity maybe you shouldn't put much stock into what she says about it. OR maybe you clumped together the things she said and made it mean what you wanted it to mean.

 

Honestly, what good can come from contacting him? Will it make you miss him less, or will it make you want to see him more? We both know the answer to that.

 

When you ended the affair, you were clear you weren't in love with MOM, but you've given him so much mind space that your starting to confuse your feelings. How does this help your relationship? You can't travel east and west at the same time it will rip you apart. Find you direction then go.

 

Why is confession off the table? Can you really go into a marriage with this in your back packet?

[denise_xo]

I do hope so. People say all the time, just focus your thoughts elsewhere, just don't think about him, concentrate on you. But my problem is my mind can think of alot of different things at once. So yes I am focused on me, staying healthy and in shape, looking good and feeling good, preparing to go back to school. I am focused on my daughter, all her afterschool activities and hobbies. I am focused on my relationship (even if it isn't evident on this board), I have been forcing more convo on my BF about my day at work, I just keeping talking instead of getting down about how quiet he is and it actually sparks him to keep the convo going since I don't give up as easliy now. Now I just hug him whenever I feel like and kiss him randomly out of nowhere. I am SHOWING him what I want and he is picking up on it. The other day he hugged me for no reason.

 

BUT I still have room in my mind to think of MOM, I am not terribly sad anymore and I don't cry or long for him. I don't miss the intimate details of what happened between us, just the friendship. I wish I could focus on one thing at a time but I have always been like this...there is room for everyone in my mind.

 

That sounds quite normal to me. Remember that it's only been a couple of months. That's really not very long. In regular circumstances, it's not unusual that people need months or even years to get over a break up. But all evidence suggests that as time goes, those memories will fade. And that will probably be a good thing for you.