Trying to Love an Older Woman

[still_an_Angel]

Sorry OP, this lady is perfect in so many ways but if you can't get over the smell, the movements, etc that shows her age, well, she won't be getting any limber in the coming years. She will slow down more and might not be able to keep up with you physically. Are you ready to do more of the 'looking after' her when she really slows down and has to lean on you to climb the stairs, and you see her shaky leg placing a foot on the next step?

 

 

I've gone the cougar way being married to my H who is 11 years my junior, (we are separated now) and compared to my partner now who is over a decade older than me, its not the age, but how my partner makes me feel. Because he is older, he is more patient with me and he gives me that feeling of security that I cherish. I do notice the physical differences between us, and so does he, but I look beyond that, because how he makes me feel is more important than his smell or frailties.

[todreaminblue]

smell of age? like what? fish? granny age-appropiate cologne? moth balls?

 

confused, am old and only smell of what i want to, with no complaints i might add

 

 

i dont understand smell of age either.....maybe a perceived smell stemming from abuse as a child.....like a ptsd symptom....not good..

 

 

does menopause have a smell......my mum smells like rose talcum powder.....i bought it for her for chrissy she loves talc...makes her feel fresh....

 

i am sorry you found someone wonderful op and that you will have to let her go she isnt for you......you only have a small window of a decade before you will be dating fifty year olds because they will be the same age as you in ten years......ten years might seem like a longtime....in my mind...its a blink.....let her go .....

 

 

 

just because you found someone wonderful....doesnt mean that she has the same thing in you...and she doesnt have that wonderful that you have in her....let her find wonderful....and find a wonderful closer to your own age.....you deserve to be happy....but also in that equation....she certainly does too...i feel she would be very unhappy long term..... if she stayed with you....and so will you be.......deb

Edited December 31, 2014 by todreaminblue

[spanz1]

it seems like the problem may be shared experiences. You both grew up in different times. Saw different things growing up, listened to different music, etc. Also, there are biological differences, related to menopause, aches and pains, surgeries/illnesses that can greatly affect the sex life.

 

So just from that scientific/psychological point of view:

First, you need to form NEW common experiences. an example might be you both do not listen to country music, so you go to a line dancing class and start listening to country. Like when you are both in the car together you turn on a country station.

 

second, the sex. maybe she has a lower libido due to age, and needs you to really stimulate her sex drive, or introduce her to new kinky sex techniques. Or just the opposite might be her case, she is over-the-top horny with raging hormones and needs YOU to up your sex game.

[NeverGonnaSettle]

I used to be a lot like you. I had trouble maintaining relationships for more than a couple of years. I would panic and bolt. or more likely, I would choose someone who was not long term material from the beginning and so it would find its natural end, and I would be spared having to confront my fears.

 

Then I started dating someone who was a little older than me (for teh first time; usually I dated men who were younger) and we were a good match in many ways. And it scared the hell out of me. And I decided that with that man, I wouldn't run. I wouldn't bolt. I would grit my teeth, force myself to see through the anxiety and be a better person. A person who could love him the way he deserved. I was also very tired of chopping and changing relationships, and I could see that the problem was me. I wanted to change.

 

I went into intensive therapy for about a year a half, spurned on by panic attacks that set in when my impulses were telling me to run, but I stayed put. I had to go on drugs to keep myself calm. And twice a week before work I'd get on the bus adn go see my therapist to talk about why I was so afraid and for the first time, really explore what lay beneath it.

 

The relationship didn't survive. But I finally confronted my fears, and fought some demons, and put some to rest. I felt so much better. Clearer and lighter and calmer.

 

And with this calmer mind, I ended up choosing someone who was much better for me, who is my best friend. And we got married, when I was 45. Something I thought wasn't even possible for me. So you never know.

 

If you want to change, and be different, you can be. You just have to commit and put in the work.

 

Tell me more about your journey. I want to understand how you overcame your fears and did the hard work. Please.

[loveboid]

I must ask why would you get involved with an older woman given your past abuse regarding women older than you? Have you tried dating women much younger than you and how did that work out?

 

Yes, I'm curious about this too. This is a good question to answer on your healing journey.

 

I would look into PTSD. It sounds to me like her age could be triggering memories of your abuse and that you're associating age with abuse.

 

You've probably heard before to just get over abuse. I wouldn't recommend "getting over" your fears. I have PTSD and what I've learned is that fear is a gift. Fear is your superhero friend and your body does amazing things in the fear response of fight or flight to save your life, quicker than you can think. Fear helps you rise to the challenge.

 

You just need to learn different ways of standing up for yourself, how to protect that little boy that got abused. You're an adult now and there are things you can do that were not possible when you were little. Anyway, everything you did as a little boy was the best you could do and it worked because you're still here. So I would thank that brave little boy and promise him no one will ever, ever abuse him again. Then learn all about abuse, abusers and yourself so that you can keep that promise.

 

And dump this nice lady.

[lucy_in_disguise]

You are still dating her? WTH. Given your comments and "fears" its unbelievably cruel how you to continue stringing her along.

[loveboid]

I think the reason why you're with her to begin with is that you were afraid to tell her no or you did directly or indirectly and she's not that nice or perceptive and ignored you.

 

Either way it could be your childhood fears paralyzing you--which as I alluded before is adaptive and helped you when you were little. Now that you're an adult you definitely no longer have to spend time with anyone you don't want.

 

I think if this is the case you can write her a Dear John letter or ask a therapist to help you on how to break up with her.

[stillafool]

Oh he's probably still with her. These cowards complain but they never do anything about their situation. I feel sorry for that woman not knowing that the man she lives with can't stand her. He is wasting what's left of her life.

[Thicke2013]

OP, I want to say this with sincerity. She is not the problem. You are. I am 35 and my wife is 49. She is absolutely the most amazing woman I have ever met. Actually, she sounds incredibly like the woman you describe. My wife had a full hysterectomy last year due to some complications which forced her into full blown menopause. You know what? She is still the sexiest woman I have ever been with. This hasn't affected our sex life at all. We have amazing sex and honestly we have sex everyday most times 2-3 times a day!

She smells great! When we first started dating and I would get back to my office after meeting her for lunch, I would catch myself smelling my hands because I could still smell her on me where we had held hands. I tell her all the time that I love the way she smells. Not one time have I smelled age!? Not sure what the hell that is anyway. My wife takes very good care of herself physically and doesn't look her age at all. Last night she and I took her 7 year old granddaughter out to dinner and the waitress couldn't believe that she had a granddaughter.

I said all this not to brag but to point out that it is your perspective of things that seems to be off. Unless your partner doesn't take care of herself physically I think the age "smell" is all in your head. I may not offer much help but I can tell you that I'm in the relationship that I've always dreamed about and all of my friends are actually jealous that I have it so good and my wife is close to the same age as the woman you describe. Good luck OP.

[elaine567]

I am not sure exactly what "menopausal" smells like, I am sure they could train dogs to sniff out menopausal women, but I doubt the average person could differentiate.

BUT I think older people do tend to like the scents and smells of their youth and can get hung up on older product lines or nostalgic fragrances, that smell old to those not of their generation.

I also think that musty smell that comes from wearing old clothes or clothes kept in old wardrobes in old houses can give rise to an "old" smell on a person.

 

I once had a bf who I suddenly became unattracted to, no real reason, lovely man, but he started to smell funny to me, he was NOT menopausal, he was 20 something, his hygiene was great, but I just didn't like his smell any more.

I wonder if something similar has happened here re the smell.

With non-attraction, smells may start to matter may be?

With his history of abuse piled on top it may just be his gf and his older abusers use the same perfume/soap/shampoo/shower gel etc....

[Michelle ma Belle]

I think the "smell" issue is the trigger that transports him back to his abuse at the hands of older women. I don't think it's directed at his girlfriend specifically or her lack of personal hygiene.

 

Being a survivor of child molestation myself I have a lot of empathy for people who have experienced physical and sexual abuse. Trying to build and rebuild a "normal" life and have "normal" relationships isn't easy when you've been through such trauma.

 

The challenges and triggers that exist are indeed very real and very difficult to process without proper professional therapy and sometimes even medication and can take years of really hard work. Scent is often a HUGE trigger for many survivors. It certainly was for me.

 

OP, if you feel your therapy isn't helping you progress, find another therapist! Not all therapists are created equal unfortunately. It's as much about finding the right fit for YOU as it is about getting the help you need.

 

On the other hand, you might have a great therapist but it's YOU who isn't doing the work you need to do to. The patient / therapist relationship is very much a give and take. Nothing works unless YOU DO. Otherwise you might as well burn you cash for all the good it's doing.

 

At this point, I would strongly recommend that you talk with your partner about your issues. It's always best to be honest. I think she deserves at least that.

 

I also think you need to spend more time getting the help you need and working on your issues ALONE and not while you're deeply immersed in a relationship. It's not fair to you and your progress and it's certainly not fair to your partner. I think it would be fine to remain friends but that would ultimately be up to her.

 

Right now you clearly have some major issues to deal with. That is priority #1 at this point in your life. You won't find a suitable or compatible mate until you deal with some of your demons.

Edited April 16, 2015 by Michelle ma Belle

[bebe23]

I'm curious...what does 50 smell like? As I'm getting close, although a couple of years to go, I'd like to avoid this old age odor. I'm often told I look like I'm in my 30s (good aging genes, I guess), yet my smell will give it away soon. Has she told you what 40 smells like?

 

 

I was wondering the same thing! I only have 5 and a half years until this dreaded menopausal 50 comes along and so I'd better invest in some good floral or fruity body wash!

 

 

Bath and Body Works has pretty good stuff.

[autumnnight]

Smell is one of the most powerful triggers for memory. If this older woman wears something that smells similar to someone who abused in the past, that would be enough of a reason for all this angst. I still feel sick when I smell Polo.

 

OP, I really do suggest counseling. Your past does NOT have to cripple your present or future.

[pteromom]

she listens intently, she remembers details of my life that I don't, we share the same values, the same music, the same politics and religious perspectives(!), she's always game for anything, and still she's a stable person with interesting stories and vast life experience...

 

She sounds like a very wonderful FRIEND.

 

You shouldn't force yourself to have romantic feelings for her if you don't.

 

Just tell her that you need some time to yourself and would like to keep the friendship part of your relationship alive because she means a lot to you.

 

Hopefully she will understand.

 

Now, is it possible you have issues to work through? Sure. Any woman you make your wife will eventually get older, and will become less physically attractive. So you do need to talk to someone about all that.

 

But that doesn't mean this is the woman for you.

[NeverGonnaSettle]

She sounds like a very wonderful FRIEND.

 

You shouldn't force yourself to have romantic feelings for her if you don't.

 

Just tell her that you need some time to yourself and would like to keep the friendship part of your relationship alive because she means a lot to you.

 

Hopefully she will understand.

 

Now, is it possible you have issues to work through? Sure. Any woman you make your wife will eventually get older, and will become less physically attractive. So you do need to talk to someone about all that.

 

But that doesn't mean this is the woman for you.

 

Thank you, Pteromom. And to those of you wondering, we did break up.

I did it and it does hurt, but it hurts less than the intense anxiety I felt while we were involved inasmuch as somewhere inside, either I knew she was the wrong one for me OR she was triggering childhood issues. Hopefully, with therapy and time, I'll figure it out someday.

 

While I'm at it, for those who are so ready and excited to judge me, I feel sorry for YOU. Nobody comes here to bare their soul looking for pitiable, self-righteous sniping. Trolling a romantic forum in order to judge and degrade others' sincere experiences says more about you than it does the writer. Get right with yourself and maybe you'll see others' humanity.

 

To those who took offense to the comments about smell; you don't know me. I could be your neighbor, your teacher, your cousin. I simply told my own discomforting truth as I perceive it. If that inspires sarcasm, whatever. If you feel the need to deride, I lump you in with those in the previous paragraph.

 

To the rest of you, thank you for your interactions here. Everyone has their own journey. If you're willing to accept others' idiosyncrasies, confusion and pain, and respond with hope, support or the common elements of your own journey, YOU are reason this forum thrives.

Thank You.

[Thicke2013]

Thank you, Pteromom. And to those of you wondering, we did break up.

I did it and it does hurt, but it hurts less than the intense anxiety I felt while we were involved inasmuch as somewhere inside, either I knew she was the wrong one for me OR she was triggering childhood issues. Hopefully, with therapy and time, I'll figure it out someday.

 

While I'm at it, for those who are so ready and excited to judge me, I feel sorry for YOU. Nobody comes here to bare their soul looking for pitiable, self-righteous sniping. Trolling a romantic forum in order to judge and degrade others' sincere experiences says more about you than it does the writer. Get right with yourself and maybe you'll see others' humanity.

 

To those who took offense to the comments about smell; you don't know me. I could be your neighbor, your teacher, your cousin. I simply told my own discomforting truth as I perceive it. If that inspires sarcasm, whatever. If you feel the need to deride, I lump you in with those in the previous paragraph.

 

To the rest of you, thank you for your interactions here. Everyone has their own journey. If you're willing to accept others' idiosyncrasies, confusion and pain, and respond with hope, support or the common elements of your own journey, YOU are reason this forum thrives.

Thank You.

 

 

OP I for one can say with certainty that I was not degrading you. I was merely offering my perspective which is what most of us here do. It probably will differ from your own but isn't that why we ask others for advice in the first place?

 

 

The point I was trying to make in my post was that age only matters in a relationship if it matters to you. You also spoke so highly of this woman that I didn't want you to make a mistake and end what could possibly be the best thing in your life due to some preconceived notion that because she is older than you it can't work. As for your past issues I have never experienced anything like that and can only say that I feel badly that you experienced those things and I hope that you can get the help you need and finally heal so that it doesn't cripple you for the rest of your life.

 

 

I truly hope that you made the right decision and that you find someone whom you truly desire in everyway regardless of age. Good luck OP.

[sosadaboutus]

Having read the many comments so far, first I will say thank you. I appreciate your investment and responses.

 

That said, I'm not a piñata. As deeply flawed as I may be, it is unnecessary to judge me so harshly or project the face of others who have callously done their lovers wrong.

 

This is not a flight of fancy for me. My girlfriend is someone who offers me tremendous sympathy, empathy and companionship. In all but our sexuality, I am overawed by her generosity and her humanity. I am humbled at her investments in me and I work hard to honor them, anticipating her needs in return.

 

To get to the crux of things, I realize my description of her body flaws was offensive; I didn't share it out of disdain or misogyny. In my head it's real, even as I try to ignore or embrace it. The root of my pain comes from childhood abuses from at the hands of older, female caretakers and the residues remain to this day. Therefore, as one can only do in anonymity, I am admitting to you all that I have dark but very real places that are holding me back and I just don't know how to handle it. Yes, I recognize the eventual irony that a) I may be in her place very soon, and b) my next lover will inevitably age, as well.

 

Anyway, yes. I'm 40. If I simply run from yet another relationship, what will I have learned? I'm trying to work this out, trying desperately to figure out how to move beyond my ingrained anxieties…

 

But the professional help I’ve found so far does seem too little, if not too late.

 

Maybe one thing to ask yourself is why do you want a romantic relationship with this woman? Much of what you describe can be gained via a deep platonic relationship. What is it that attracted you to her, romantically, in the first place? What are her physically attractive features? Perhaps, focusing on the positive features, you may find that the "negative" features don't bother you anymore.

 

If there isn't anything that drew you to her, romantically, let her go. It's only fair to you and her to do so. I know you feel you don't want to just give up again, I understand that fully. However, you can't create feelings where there are none. Even if she doesn't say, she will know (and probably does know on some level) that something is off.

[georgia girl]

OP,

 

 

I deliberately avoided your post for awhile because I dated a commitment phobe who broke my heart. Shortly after we broke up, I met my husband who I love with all of my heart. Unfortunately for him, the commitment phobe ex "realized" what a mistake he made and attempted to come back several times after I had already fallen in love with someone else. It was so sad and for a long time I felt guilty but I just didn't love him nearly like I loved my husband. Knowing most of his backstory as his former partner, I am also aware that this wasn't the first time he had regrets.

 

 

Knowing my ex - who really isn't a bad guy - I could relate to your story. I also am aware - it's a very small town - that my ex just did it again. To another really fabulous woman who would have made an awesome partner for him. He could have had everything that I know he's always wanted.

 

 

What I would love to say to him but what I'll say to you instead is to stop cheating yourself. This isn't about the woman you broke up with, but you. Move on from her - you need to now anyway - and before you get into a new relationship, start working through your fears. Recognize that those triggers are real and that they will effectively kill any feelings you have for any partner. This partner was too old, the next may be too loud, or too clingy or too close to her mother, etc. There is always a trigger for commitment phobes, but the trigger is actually rooted in the fear of commitment. That fear is that if I chose this one, I'm trapped. I cannot be free ever again. That feeling of loss is tremendous and all of a sudden, the trigger is overpowering.

 

 

Until you can face that fear and begin to overcome it, you will unwittingly sabotage every relationship you get in. You will also be described by friends as "too picky" and you will feel frustrated that you can't meet the right person or that all of the good ones are gone.

 

 

How do I know all of this? I am also a recovered commitment phobe and I also spent some time in therapy. So, here's the rest of the story of how I fell head over heels in love with my husband. Men who are commitment phobes often get into relationships but then feel a strong urge to get out of them when they become serious. Women who are commitment phobes tend to do two things - self-select partners who are commitment phobes and also reject men who are not. That's what I used to do. I liked the "unattainable" men. I developed crushes on men who seemed so hard to get. Meanwhile, really good men who appeared in my life who would have been awesome partners for me, I simply rejected.

 

 

After my breakup with my ex, I read book after book about commitment phobes trying to fix him. Then, I started to recognize myself in the books when they talked about women. At that point, I went hard no contact with my ex. I realized something was broken in me that I needed to fix and chasing him wasn't going to help me heal or fix me.

 

 

Shortly after that I met my husband. He was kind, smart, successful, funny and looked at me as if I was special. He did all of those sweet, wonderful caring things that would normally have sent me into reject mode. (Those were my triggers.) Instead of reject, I went to a counselor. It helped that my husband took dating really slow and it took us nearly six months before we saw each other more than once every two weeks. We didn't say "I love you," that would have scared me off.

 

 

About 16 months into our relationship, my husband who is a triathlete was training for an ironman and crashed his bicycle on a downhill training ride. He had to be evacuated by helicopter out of the crash site to a hospital nearly two hours away. All I knew was that he had head and neck injuries and was asking for me. I called my mom to tell her I had to take off to the hospital as he was injured and I blurted out, "Mom, I love him. I mean, I really, really love him. What if he dies never knowing that I love him."

 

 

It took us nearly a year to heal and then we got married two years after the accident. I was able to quit therapy shortly after the accident. Looking back, I realized that all along I was slowly dealing with my fear. It wasn't a fear that there was "better out there," but a fear that I was going to end up trapped and burdened by someone else's emotions when I didn't love them back.

 

 

Once you conquer that fear, I can tell you that life can be truly amazing. To this day, I'm not sure where the fear came from although I recognize I still have a fear of abandonment. But, I love so very much that I can commit to my husband with my whole heart.

 

 

So, for what it's worth, that's my story. If you really believe you may have a fear of commitment, go out and buy some self-help books. If you recognize yourself in those books, find a way to get help. Its worth investing in yourself, I promise. There's this incredible world out there where everything you've ever wanted can come true, but it starts with facing your fear of commitment.

 

 

Hugs, GG

[NeverGonnaSettle]

Dear GG,

 

>> I deliberately avoided your post for awhile because I dated a

>> commitment phobe who broke my heart.

 

Funny... I deliberately avoided coming back to this forum for a while b/c I just didn't want to deal with the possibility of 'backlash' that would undermine my resolve. Who needs that, right?

 

Anyway, thank you so much for spending the time to write. It's a great story, and very considerate of you to trace your whole path for my benefit and that of others.

 

Just want you to know a) I am in therapy and ... feeling clarity, perhaps hope ... my counselor is a good guy and so far I believe I am getting what I need.

 

So. That's my story to date.

Thank you for sharing yours.

[NeverGonnaSettle]

Aw hell, I gotta poke one more thing.

 

Enough already with the:

"... well you know, she clearly wasn't as into you as you think if she's ready to be friends..."

 

NOT helpful, not accurate.

 

I'm maintaining N/C so I can heal. SHE keeps trying to break it. About once a week or so, I get something in a chat message from her trying to reach out. I was explicit, and terribly apologetic, about needing to cut contact -- indefinitely -- while I do the healing/work/exploration/etc. that I need to do.

 

Up until now, we were very emotionally close. We trusted one another implicitly with any secret, any possession... SO!

 

Here's what I really prefer some perspective on:

 

WHAT DO I OWE HER?

 

I *feel* like I owe her my friendship. My compassion. My empathy. Ignoring her feels wrong. Selfish. A betrayal. Or abandonment, and I feel like she deserves better; because she never did anything wrong in any of this; she was always unconditionally loving, and I'm the one who walked away from the romance and then said: nope, can't be friends right now, either! I feel really ****ty. But to entertain being friends is extremely confusing and painful at this time.

 

What I'm describing is how/when to be responsible for one's ex-partner's feelings when s/he is a really terrific person who did nothing wrong. My therapist says I'm not responsible. Period. End of story. She's a grown woman, she'll handle her own business.

 

Meanwhile, I feel like a complete jerk telling her, my former best friend (whether I was alienated by our romantic mode, or not) and deep confidante that I have to cut her off, indefinitely. Could be forever, or at least til we've both moved on to new partners. ~~~~ It feels really ****ty!!!!!!

 

So I don't know what to do.

[Thicke2013]

Aw hell, I gotta poke one more thing.

 

Enough already with the:

"... well you know, she clearly wasn't as into you as you think if she's ready to be friends..."

 

NOT helpful, not accurate.

 

I'm maintaining N/C so I can heal. SHE keeps trying to break it. About once a week or so, I get something in a chat message from her trying to reach out. I was explicit, and terribly apologetic, about needing to cut contact -- indefinitely -- while I do the healing/work/exploration/etc. that I need to do.

 

Up until now, we were very emotionally close. We trusted one another implicitly with any secret, any possession... SO!

 

Here's what I really prefer some perspective on:

 

WHAT DO I OWE HER?

 

I *feel* like I owe her my friendship. My compassion. My empathy. Ignoring her feels wrong. Selfish. A betrayal. Or abandonment, and I feel like she deserves better; because she never did anything wrong in any of this; she was always unconditionally loving, and I'm the one who walked away from the romance and then said: nope, can't be friends right now, either! I feel really ****ty. But to entertain being friends is extremely confusing and painful at this time.

 

What I'm describing is how/when to be responsible for one's ex-partner's feelings when s/he is a really terrific person who did nothing wrong. My therapist says I'm not responsible. Period. End of story. She's a grown woman, she'll handle her own business.

 

Meanwhile, I feel like a complete jerk telling her, my former best friend (whether I was alienated by our romantic mode, or not) and deep confidante that I have to cut her off, indefinitely. Could be forever, or at least til we've both moved on to new partners. ~~~~ It feels really ****ty!!!!!!

 

So I don't know what to do.

 

 

In my opinion all you owe her is honesty. She may not understand why and she really doesn't have to. At this point you have to focus on getting yourself where you want to be which is inherently selfish out of necessity. Just be honest with her. Tell her why you are doing this. Tell her you are not asking for her to wait because you don't know if the two of you can ever be a couple again or even friends due to the pain. Tell her before you can think about a relationship with anyone you have to be the best "you" that you can be. Good luck OP. I sincerely hope that you find peace and clarity in this.

[stillafool]

No, your therapist is correct you don't owe her anything. Actually, going NC may be hard at first for her but it is the best for helping her heal and move on. Staying friends will just give her hope that the two of you will get back together. Also when you start dating other women it is best for her not to know about it. Breakups are never easy and you did the right thing by letting her go because she was grossing you out.