Is My Best Friend a Traitor?

[aggie382]

Thanks for the feedback all, we broke up because that night at the club he pretty much ignored me and was swooning over the dancers at the bar. Even gave some of them a lot of cash for a dance. I tired to get over it but after a while I decided I couldn't. So I left. That's when she offered him support. A little while later, HE contacted me and we made up. We were all one social circle again Until one day I was at at his house and he was emailing one of the girls from the club on FB in front of me while we were on the couch. Then about three weeks later it was my birthday and he hardly acknowledged it, even though he made it clear that he wanted me to himself. So I said screw it. Then my resentment towards my best friend started again, and she's inviting him to parties apparently.

 

Please keep the feedback coming now that you have this info!! Does it change any of what was already said??

 

You went to a strip club with him and didn't expect him to enjoy the strip club?

 

This is way less than you made it sound, and no reason to expect you friend to terminate her friendship with him!

 

Some guys aren't the best boyfriends, but are good friends. Just because he wasn't Prince Charming doesn't mean she should have to ditch him.

[aggie382]

Okay, thank you for clarifying everything. I think you owe your friend an apology. She was friends with the guy separate from you and while he was a little bit of a bonehead, it doesn't sound like he did anything super obscene either. While it is perfectly fine that you decided his behavior is not something you can personally tolerate in a relationship, i don't really see him as screwing you over or doing anything so bad the girl should drop her friendship with him.

 

The two of you didn't work out, you don't approve of his behavior (Again, that is fine) but it is pretty unfair of you to treat your friend like she is some kind of traitor just because she didn't discontinue her friendship with someone she had history with independent of you. Just because you're unhappy with him does not mean she has to be or else she's betraying you.

 

I'm sorry, but I think the person being unfair here is you.

 

Yes!!! You said it better than I did!!!

[glamtran]

Does she fancy him for herself? She sounds like a super crap friend, if she chose this super sleazy guy over you.

 

 

Well granted she didn't really choose him over me, but sometimes I feel that wouldn't have been that unreasonable since we've been like sisters for so many years. And she's witnessed and/or knows about the shady things he's done.

[glamtran]

What did the emails say? Did you read them?

 

So he ignored your birthday? No gift? Or said hbd and no gift, no fuss...

 

Again, he's the issue here, not your best friend. She has a separate friendship with him that has nothing to do with you so you need to stop being resentful towards her.

 

I did not read the emails in detail but either way you don't communicate with exotic dancers when you have a girlfriend. And for my birthday he did give me a small gift but he could have done better. And he made it clear no family no friends that day just him and I. so I thought he'd knock it out of the park.

[hoping2heal]

I did not read the emails in detail but either way you don't communicate with exotic dancers when you have a girlfriend. And for my birthday he did give me a small gift but he could have done better. And he made it clear no family no friends that day just him and I. so I thought he'd knock it out of the park.

 

I can understand your position with the exotic dancers, but it sounds like they are friends of his from your first post? I mean you were comfortable enough with the guy's lifestyle to date him after seeing him at a strip club. I'm not trying to say you were wrong to dump him, etc. Just that the guy obviously has more to him and more redeemable qualities if even you wanted to date him for a period.

 

Also, a boyfriend not meeting your expectations on your birthday doesn't make him a bad guy either. It sounds like he's been pretty up front about who he is the whole time, which while who that is may be a turn off to you - give him some benefit of the doubt for being honest and not trying to hide himself (which would make him a bigger jerk imo).

 

Can you really not see that it was unfair of you to put it on her to end their friendship?

[whichwayisup]

Well granted she didn't really choose him over me, but sometimes I feel that wouldn't have been that unreasonable since we've been like sisters for so many years. And she's witnessed and/or knows about the shady things he's done.

 

Sounds like she's a good friend to many. A friend who isn't judgemental, and has an open mind, accepts people, flaws and all.

 

I did not read the emails in detail but either way you don't communicate with exotic dancers when you have a girlfriend. And for my birthday he did give me a small gift but he could have done better. And he made it clear no family no friends that day just him and I. so I thought he'd knock it out of the park.

 

How long were you two together (dating wise) before your birthday? A month? 3 months? A year?

 

Just seems your expectations levels were high. He did get you something but you weren't happy with the gesture, you wanted more than what he gave you. At least you got something, many guys either just give flowers (which is great!) or just say happy bday or give a card. Sure he had a plan but maybe it fell through and he felt stupid.

 

If he was friends with them before you, why not once in a while? I can understand if it was many times throughout the day and texting a lot, then that's not right but you can't expect a person to end friendships because they all of a sudden are in a relationship.

 

Fix your friendship with your best friend since you've known her all your life. To walk away over something like this might be something you'll regret later. She is not in the wrong here, she hasn't done anything wrong though in your eyes you've made her into the devil, taking it that she's chosen him over you. She hasn't.

Edited December 29, 2014 by whichwayisup

[glamtran]

Well I haven't known her my whole life, but about 4 or 5 years and I have to say I never thought I'd have such a close friendship with someone. The vast majority of you say I need to smarten up, but I still can't wrap my head around it.

 

Maybe I need more time to heal from him? Plus she lives far away now, maybe this distance was meant to happen or what we need? I also would have liked to said bye at the party but not being invited put a whole new layer on this. How do I cope with that? What a freaking mess I live in :'(

[Sugarkane]

The OP says this friend knew this guy has done other shady things too. Not sure why women think they'll be the exception, just because they're friends only.

I can only assume there is more to the guy than that or the friend wouldn't think he was a "great guy". Also, he sounds like he is immature with his girlfriends but I wouldn't say necessarily treating them badly either. I mean, the guy is friends with strippers and that is where they were headed so while it is perfectly understandable why a woman wouldn't even want to get involved with a guy who does those things - its not like ever tried to hide or be sneaky about who he is - either. It also sounds like they were not together very long either or very serious.

[Sugarkane]

OP maybe she chose him over you because it was just easier to drop one person and not a whole group?

[hoping2heal]

Well I haven't known her my whole life, but about 4 or 5 years and I have to say I never thought I'd have such a close friendship with someone. The vast majority of you say I need to smarten up, but I still can't wrap my head around it.

 

Maybe I need more time to heal from him? Plus she lives far away now, maybe this distance was meant to happen or what we need? I also would have liked to said bye at the party but not being invited put a whole new layer on this. How do I cope with that? What a freaking mess I live in :'(

 

I think it is highly possible that your ability to remain objective is being strained because of your emotional feelings toward the guy. Have you thought that perhaps your friend is feeling betrayed by you? That is how I would feel if I were in your friends position.

[SpiralOut]

This may have been answered already, sorry if I missed it, but did your friend give you a warning about this guy? If they were such good friends then she must have known he can act sketchy with girlfriends. I wouldn't expect a friend of mine to ditch her friend just because he acted like a dick, but I would certainly be pissed off if they KNEW he was like that and didn't bother to warn me.

[glamtran]

Well yes, she did warn me about this past and, erm, "habits" which has been a challenge to cope in itself. But if there was a reason to warn me in the first place why would she need to support him or want to be his friend anyways?

 

And hoping2heal, why would she feel betrayed by me?

[ASG]

Well yes, she did warn me about this past and, erm, "habits" which has been a challenge to cope in itself. But if there was a reason to warn me in the first place why would she need to support him or want to be his friend anyways?

 

And hoping2heal, why would she feel betrayed by me?

 

 

I don't get it... You think she shouldn't have been her friend because he is not really ready for an exclusive relationship?!?!?

 

That's absurd. And I understand your friend. I don't take sides when there's a break up and that does not make me a traitor.

 

You think she should have sided with you, whereas she decided to not get involved. And maybe, in the wash, you ended up coming on the losing end of her affections, but that still doesn't mean she's a traitor.

 

She has a friend, whom you dated and it ended badly. She warned you, possibly to dissuade you from getting with him. Why are you blaming her???

[whichwayisup]

Well yes, she did warn me about this past and, erm, "habits" which has been a challenge to cope in itself. But if there was a reason to warn me in the first place why would she need to support him or want to be his friend anyways?

 

And hoping2heal, why would she feel betrayed by me?

 

Then why on earth would she set you up with him to begin with!

 

She accepts him for who he is as they are just friends, buddies and that's it. She's not emotionally invested in him and that's why she's able to keep the friendship going. Just because he has some habits etc., doesn't mean she should cut him out of her life.

[glamtran]

Then why on earth would she set you up with him to begin with!

 

She accepts him for who he is as they are just friends, buddies and that's it. She's not emotionally invested in him and that's why she's able to keep the friendship going. Just because he has some habits etc., doesn't mean she should cut him out of her life.

 

Actually, wouldn't not being emotionally invested in him make her want to walk away after he hurts her friends? She must be invested to some point.

 

Her and I have a lot more of an extensive history than him and her do.

[dispatch3d]

Him being so chummy with strippers is weird and I probably would have talked to him about it if I was you back when the relationship was going.

 

I'm not surprised your friend remained friends with him. He was probably friends with the strippers for a while and she was already aware this was going on before you two had a relationship.

 

Similar to the other posters I think your in the wrong here and need to chill out a bit. Unfortunately it sounds like she's already not inviting you to things or getting your number or anything so it may be too late.

[glamtran]

Yes she was aware he was friends with them for a while. Another person who thinks I'm in the wrong. I don't really get it. How can I cope with this and wrap my head around it?

[kendahke]

Well granted she didn't really choose him over me, but sometimes I feel that wouldn't have been that unreasonable since we've been like sisters for so many years. And she's witnessed and/or knows about the shady things he's done.

 

even still, it's not enough for her to abandon her friendship with him.

 

she most likely felt there was more to gain by retaining his friendship than yours.

 

You and this woman have different levels of tolerance for "shady things". Do not expect for anyone to share exactly what you feel/how you feel. It's nice when they do and it's warranted, but it's not an expectation.

[kendahke]

Actually, wouldn't not being emotionally invested in him make her want to walk away after he hurts her friends? She must be invested to some point.

 

Her and I have a lot more of an extensive history than him and her do.

 

It could also be that this situation was the straw that broke the camel's back for her with regards to you and your friendship with her. For her to go ghost on you after 5 years of deep friendship kind of says that she was at her toleration limit with your friendship and it was easier for her to just cut you loose and hang with him than to wade into this whirlpool with you. That "extensive history" may have reached its expiration date for her.

[glamtran]

Well suppose I reach out to her and she is open to discussion. Will that even help with this obsession or will it just constantly remind me of him if her and I make up? Sometimes I think that if she now lives so far away what's the point?

[whichwayisup]

If you choose to be friends with her again, you need to let go of him and not bring him. As you said you two have a longer history so don't let some guy get in the way of your friendship. If you can't let go of him and being around her makes you feel bad, makes you think and miss him, then end the friendship.

[glamtran]

So leave both of them in the past then?

[LuckyLady13]

Glam, you asked multiple times how to cope with this and I didn't see anyone address that issue specifically for you so I'm going to.

 

First things first - You are going to have to settle into the fact that she was friends with him as well as being friends with you before all this and he didn't do anything so horrible to you that she should feel angry enough to drop him. He's not boyfriend material but that's not something to hate someone over or ditch them.

 

Sugarkane asked something about how can you be friends with a shady guy and not think he'll do shady things to a friend just like he does to girlfriends but men especially...see girlfriends and friends in such entirely different categories most times. I've gone full circle a few times in my life where there were years most of my friends were men, then most were women and most men again and I did notice a very distinct difference with this. Men do tend to be able to very easily put people in two categories completely apart from each other. Friends are the "keepers" who you treat the best and like family but girlfriends come and go.

 

Glam, once you realize that, like almost every single person responding to you has said, he didn't do anything so horribly bad to you that it warrants your friend dropping him, you can take the next step in your coping process.

 

And the next step is...you know how you were upset you didn't get to say goodbye and go to the party? Accept that was one event. It's in the past, gone and you can create plenty of future events that will make this a small hiccup in your life you'll forget all about.

 

You can consider your future with your friend part 2 from here on out and make this so much better than the past. The party was only one day, one event and that's all it ever has to be.

 

What I'm totally confused about is how you're friends with this friend of yours for 4 or 5 years and your friend didn't know you well enough to know this wasn't the guy for you? That, I think, is the strangest part of everything you said! It was so obvious from the things you said about how you feel about things this guy did that was glowing like a billboard in Vegas to me he wasn't the right guy for you and I haven't even known you five minutes!

 

I also noticed another strange thing you said. He said that he wanted you all to himself on your birthday, no friends, no family? WHAT?!? Did you not know this is wrong, Glam?

 

This guy has just a plain strange way to be with women (in so many ways here) and isn't boyfriend material (even showing possession like an abuser would) but as a friend? He's probably not half bad, who knows. You'd have to be friends with him for a while to find out yourself about that.

 

Even if this guy is a complete weirdo as a boyfriend, you can't be so mad at your friend for remaining friends with him. He didn't try to murder you or something. He just sucked as a boyfriend. That's all.

 

You see how there's a lot of people here who are saying you don't have a big reason to be mad at your friend and that's because you don't.

 

If you were like sisters with this friend, it's time to get yourself together, realize where you really stand (not where you wished you stand but where you actually do), put that party past you as one single event in 5 years and pick up the phone and say you're sorry for expecting something you shouldn't have, drop it and get your friendship back on track.

 

Life is too short to drop friends who aren't half bad at all. I'm just still not sure why your friend thought you'd even want to date this guy...

[glamtran]

 

First things first - You are going to have to settle into the fact that she was friends with him as well as being friends with you before all this and he didn't do anything so horrible to you that she should feel angry enough to drop him. He's not boyfriend material but that's not something to hate someone over or ditch them.

 

Sugarkane asked something about how can you be friends with a shady guy and not think he'll do shady things to a friend just like he does to girlfriends but men especially...see girlfriends and friends in such entirely different categories most times. I've gone full circle a few times in my life where there were years most of my friends were men, then most were women and most men again and I did notice a very distinct difference with this. Men do tend to be able to very easily put people in two categories completely apart from each other. Friends are the "keepers" who you treat the best and like family but girlfriends come and go.

 

Glam, once you realize that, like almost every single person responding to you has said, he didn't do anything so horribly bad to you that it warrants your friend dropping him, you can take the next step in your coping process.

 

And the next step is...you know how you were upset you didn't get to say goodbye and go to the party? Accept that was one event. It's in the past, gone and you can create plenty of future events that will make this a small hiccup in your life you'll forget all about.

 

You can consider your future with your friend part 2 from here on out and make this so much better than the past. The party was only one day, one event and that's all it ever has to be.

 

What I'm totally confused about is how you're friends with this friend of yours for 4 or 5 years and your friend didn't know you well enough to know this wasn't the guy for you? That, I think, is the strangest part of everything you said! It was so obvious from the things you said about how you feel about things this guy did that was glowing like a billboard in Vegas to me he wasn't the right guy for you and I haven't even known you five minutes!

 

I also noticed another strange thing you said. He said that he wanted you all to himself on your birthday, no friends, no family? WHAT?!? Did you not know this is wrong, Glam?

 

This guy has just a plain strange way to be with women (in so many ways here) and isn't boyfriend material (even showing possession like an abuser would) but as a friend? He's probably not half bad, who knows. You'd have to be friends with him for a while to find out yourself about that.

 

Even if this guy is a complete weirdo as a boyfriend, you can't be so mad at your friend for remaining friends with him. He didn't try to murder you or something. He just sucked as a boyfriend. That's all.

 

You see how there's a lot of people here who are saying you don't have a big reason to be mad at your friend and that's because you don't.

 

If you were like sisters with this friend, it's time to get yourself together, realize where you really stand (not where you wished you stand but where you actually do), put that party past you as one single event in 5 years and pick up the phone and say you're sorry for expecting something you shouldn't have, drop it and get your friendship back on track.

 

Life is too short to drop friends who aren't half bad at all. I'm just still not sure why your friend thought you'd even want to date this guy...

 

Wow first off thank you soooo much for addressing all aspects of my thread! I'm grateful! I do have to admit it will be tough to move on knowing they talk in real life and online, perhaps on holidays, birthdays. Etc.

 

You mentioned the fact that they were friends before all this, if they weren't, would this situation be different? Are there things that warrant them not being friends after a breakup? Although this isn't one, you sound like there might be other cases.

 

And yes there were clues he wasn't mr. Right but I mean we did last a few months and I did take him back once so I guess there was something right?

 

And yes my birthday thing was unusual. Granted I did have a birthday party the weekend before but for my actual birthday he made it clear it was him and me only. Despite that would this still be a red flag?

[LuckyLady13]

I do have to admit it will be tough to move on knowing they talk in real life and online, perhaps on holidays, birthdays. Etc.

 

However, in the future when the hurt isn't fresh anymore and you feel indifferent to this guy, you should be able to talk to him as friends just as easily. Now doesn't sound like the time but in the future, you really should be able to get past this and hang out together as a group. Once you're dating a good guy who really is your type (seriously, the guy is weird), it will be easy to feel indifferent toward this guy.

 

You mentioned the fact that they were friends before all this, if they weren't, would this situation be different?

 

He'd be easy for your friend to take or leave, depending on if she finds him interesting or not. Being that she knows him and they get along, she's just got no reason to drop him right now. He might change that in the future though or your friend might just get bored.

 

 

Are there things that warrant them not being friends after a breakup? Although this isn't one, you sound like there might be other cases.

 

Some people will say this is a personal issue between you and him and should never effect the friendship your friend has with him but not everybody feels that way. Also, if the guy tried to rape you, kill you, had you tied up and tortured in a basement, your friend might not like him too much anymore.

 

And yes there were clues he wasn't mr. Right but I mean we did last a few months and I did take him back once so I guess there was something right?

 

You're right! Reminds me of a time years back when I set up two friends who I knew wouldn't last but I also knew neither wanted a serious relationship and I knew they'd get a kick out of each other for a while. They found each other entertaining for a bit, then got on each others nerves, fought, broke up and moved onto serious relationships with other people. Maybe this was your friends idea with you too.

 

And yes my birthday thing was unusual. Granted I did have a birthday party the weekend before but for my actual birthday he made it clear it was him and me only. Despite that would this still be a red flag?

 

Now that you mentioned you did have a party the weekend before, it sounds really innocent but in the future though? Keep your eyes peeled for anyone who wants to separate you from your friends or family. It's the first and clearest sign of an abuser. That's why when you originally mentioned it before I knew you had a party the weekend before I got a chill in a bad way. Worried there for a second.

 

I think it will be pretty easy to actually hang out with this weird ex of yours in group situations in the future given enough time for the dust to settle and especially once you're in a relationship with somebody who you'll get along with a lot better who is more your type. You'll be amazed how different you're going to feel about this one day and you'll be so surprised it actually ever really bothered you.

 

I wouldn't drop this friendship you had, personally. Not if you were getting along like sisters and having fun. This isn't a good enough reason to lose out on a lot of fun in the future with somebody you were getting along so great with. It might be hard right now knowing she's talking to a guy who wasn't your type but that's all this is. There are plenty of women out there who would be fine with the type of guy he is and not take him too seriously. He's just not for you and you've got way bigger, better fish to find in that sea out there who you'd be so much happier with! Once you're happy, this all will be so much easier to deal with.