Gloria25 Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 I actually wasn't clear about the "holding back" part. I wasn't referring to holding back sex, but to holding back in deciding to be in a committed relationship with a man (which is in regards to the topic question of the thread). I understand the points both of you made, in regards to when a woman should have sex. The topic gets further complicated when you include the argument about sexual compatibility, and if people are willing to wait at least 6 months before getting naked, only to risk finding out someone in the relationship is selfish in bed. By the third date, it is definitely a good milestone to know what the person wants the next step to be in dating. For example, all the women I dated knew by the third date I wanted a serious relationship, some even knew by the second or the first. And it didn't even require me to explicitly say anything. They just knew from my interest in them. Agreed, I'd hate to waste 6 months getting to know someone and we're not compatible in the bedroom. So, it's sorta like a "chicken before the egg" question...like, do I need to have sex with you to decide if I wanna spend more time getting to know you, or do I risk having sex only to find out there's something about you and outside of the bedroom that's a deal breaker for me? Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 I've never asked. Women have always gotten to the point where they ask, "What are we? Where is this going?" By that point, I know they are ready. But definitely NOT by the third date. Link to post Share on other sites
aggie382 Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 Well, IMO, people know on the first date "why" they are dating. They either want "companionship" or they're looking for a spouse. While they don't know if you'll be "spouse" material - they should let you know that's what they're looking for, so you don't waste your time invested with someone who isn't ready for a commitment. Yikes. That would scare me and turn me off if brought up on a first date. And I'm 30, not a spring chicken. Besides that, sometimes you don't know what you're looking for from any given person. You might be open to a relationship with the right person, just a hookup with someone who's hot but wrong for you, etc. And it takes more than one date to even know that. Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 Yikes. That would scare me and turn me off if brought up on a first date. And I'm 30, not a spring chicken. Besides that, sometimes you don't know what you're looking for from any given person. You might be open to a relationship with the right person, just a hookup with someone who's hot but wrong for you, etc. And it takes more than one date to even know that. Some people are only interested in a "serious relationship." They may not be interested in a hookup at all. That doesn't mean that everyone they ever see is going to be a serious relationship from day one -- only that that is what they are looking for. On the sex vs. commitment question -- quite possible to be in a committed relationship (at some level or stage of commitment e.g. only seeing each other) and still hold off on sex. Believe it or not, there are still a fair number of people who hold off on sex until after the wedding. Even on OKCupid! Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 Before sex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aggie382 Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 Some people are only interested in a "serious relationship." They may not be interested in a hookup at all. That doesn't mean that everyone they ever see is going to be a serious relationship from day one -- only that that is what they are looking for. On the sex vs. commitment question -- quite possible to be in a committed relationship (at some level or stage of commitment e.g. only seeing each other) and still hold off on sex. Believe it or not, there are still a fair number of people who hold off on sex until after the wedding. Even on OKCupid! I still think bringing that up on a first date is bound to scare off a ton of people who you're actually compatible with. Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 I still think bringing that up on a first date is bound to scare off a ton of people who you're actually compatible with. You are male or female? You mean about wanting a serious relationship? Maybe so. I'm older than most people here, I am sure. I find that it tends to come up pretty naturally and quickly with women I spend time with. Generally, they end up saying what they are looking for and want to find out if I'm on the same page. At my age, most people that pass my filters (e.g. the questions on OKC) are not just looking for a fling. Link to post Share on other sites
Erised Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 Before you have sex, or a few months in, whichever comes sooner, I would think. That's thr line between dating and relationship, I think : exclusivity. Even if you aren't seeing anyone else, that it's not spoken agreed upon. Link to post Share on other sites
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