Ready to move on but don't know how to let go

[Cressida]

It's great that you could abstain yourself from having sexual relations, that would have most probably sealed the deal.

 

If you were just friends who kissed, basically, I think you're a very sweet and sensitive person who invested their feelings and projected their unfulfilled expectations from their marriage onto the other person.

 

I cannot personally see how can an emotional affair be so hard to walk away from, perhaps it's just me.....why you are so consumed and in pain if you guys didn't even have a full-blown relationship.

 

I guess it's the loyalty for your husband and the feeling that you're doing something wrong...and how you'll live with it. Please focus on your life, whatever that is, whether it entails rebuilding the relationship with your husband or just trying to focus on yourself and your son....but don't dwell onto this man anymore. If it's too painful to keep him as a friend don't keep in touch anymore, delete and block left and right, go full NC....

 

It may be the case that you are desiring him and feel like the 'deed' (i.e. sexy time) is left 'unfinished' and that could unconsciously draw you towards him....

 

You're lucky you haven't slept with him as that would have connected you even further....just cut him off and move on....try to improve things with your husband...I'd do that in a heartbeat if I had/knew a man who loved me

[Cressida]

Oh don't ever tell your husband...tell him what? That you kissed a man and had an emotional thing? You didn't even sleep with the AP, not even ONCE...why are you beating yourself up and saying you want to tell your husband. Coming clean in this case would only bring heartbreak for him, perpetual suspiciousness from now on, why do that when there's NOTHING to confess....don't do this to yourself and your family.

 

To the lady who said you should leave your husband and your 'sham marriage'.....you didn't even have sex with the AP, how could you leave your marriage and consider it a sham just because of some kissing??? Sheesh......

[elaine567]

Would you give the same advice to a man cheating on his wife with a mistress? .

 

I would actually. I do not differentiate, I see no point in men OR women staying in shams of marriages that make both unhappy and unable to find happiness elsewhere.

I am not telling anyone to leave FOR the OW or the OM, but cheating is often a symptom of discontent and for many on here that discontent is often plain and not hidden.

Why stay with some moaning Minnie of a wife or some chauvinist Charlie of a husband if it is so bad, they need to cheat with someone else?

 

(BTW I am discounting serial, "born" cheaters here)

[Ronnie33]

It's great that you could abstain yourself from having sexual relations, that would have most probably sealed the deal.

 

If you were just friends who kissed, basically, I think you're a very sweet and sensitive person who invested their feelings and projected their unfulfilled expectations from their marriage onto the other person.

 

I cannot personally see how can an emotional affair be so hard to walk away from, perhaps it's just me.....why you are so consumed and in pain if you guys didn't even have a full-blown relationship.

 

I guess it's the loyalty for your husband and the feeling that you're doing something wrong...and how you'll live with it. Please focus on your life, whatever that is, whether it entails rebuilding the relationship with your husband or just trying to focus on yourself and your son....but don't dwell onto this man anymore. If it's too painful to keep him as a friend don't keep in touch anymore, delete and block left and right, go full NC....

 

It may be the case that you are desiring him and feel like the 'deed' (i.e. sexy time) is left 'unfinished' and that could unconsciously draw you towards him....

 

You're lucky you haven't slept with him as that would have connected you even further....just cut him off and move on....try to improve things with your husband...I'd do that in a heartbeat if I had/knew a man who loved me

 

We aren't friends who "just kiss" we do everything else but I have always stopped at sex. There is nothing sweet or innocent about our affair at all. Plus we only get to see eachother once or twice a week now and not for very long. I'm sure if we ha more time it would have happened because it's become almost impossible to abstain now.

 

I think the unfinished business has a lot to do with it. He wanted to leave his gf for me in the beginning but I couldn't leave my husband to be with him then. So I stayed with my husband and had an affair, great choice (total sarcasm there)

 

Thanks Cressida for your support.

[Ronnie33]

Would you give the same advice to a man cheating on his wife with a mistress? Would you tell him that he has to divorce his wife, end his sham of a marriage and not invoke the kid pretext and just go about his life and be happy?

 

I am always surprised at how women are quick to tell other women to leave their husbands, to then tell the mistresses that the MM will most likely never leave their wives for them. Why is that?

 

Why not suggest she focused on her marriage, if she posted here about wanting to get out of an affair and doing exactly that? If she and her husband decided that they want to be together for their child, why is this wrong? How many men in affairs do the same and they never leave their wives for the OWs, and everyone agrees that that is 'the norm'. But married women must always leave their husbands at the drop of a hat...BAD advice imo.

 

I agree with this so much. I see so many people in here tell the OW that the MM is never going to leave and loves his wife and to move on. Whenever a MW comes on it's the opposite, "confess, leave your husband". Total double standard.

[Ronnie33]

I maybe have a different perspective here and i know you do not want to, but think you should leave this sham of a marriage, before your son cottons on to the fact you are not in love with your husband. Kids are smart, what sort of role model of a happy marriage are you actually presenting to your son. Someone wrote about that the other day, his parents stayed but were never truly affectionate to one another, it was a show for the kids, and he picked it up that and it has affected the way he views and treats people to this day.

 

Two months was not long enough for your son to get over the two of you splitting up, had you stayed away, then by now he would have got used to the situation, especially if his father stayed close by and stayed in his life.

I do not think you should leave to run into the arms of the AP, I just think you would be better off and happier, leaving.

 

I understand what you are saying completely. Looking back I agree that two moths was not enough time and if I had stayed away he would have gotten over it and been fine now. At the time it seemed like the right decision but I know now it would have been better to stay away. Now he's older and it will be worse if and when I leave.

[elaine567]

I agree with this so much. I see so many people in here tell the OW that the MM is never going to leave and loves his wife and to move on. Whenever a MW comes on it's the opposite, "confess, leave your husband". Total double standard.

 

Oranges and apples.

Many would also tell an OM that the MW is not going to leave her husband, and to move on surely?

The married person is in the "fixed" relationship, a relationship that is longer and usually more complicated, so why would it be an surprise that the OM/OW is likely to find that the married person will not leave their spouse.

 

I have also seen many instances of a MM being told to tell the wife and leave her actually too.

[Cressida]

No, no, I didn't mean to say the affair was sweet. I meant that YOU appear to be a sweet person who DOES care about their actions, the repercussions of those actions, even towards a husband that has no idea about a SEXLESS 'emotional affair'. This shows a lot of character on your end, I reckon.

 

Shamefully or not, I never felt any remorse about my affair with exMM. Because he always treated his wife like queen goddess of the universe I guess. Had he been an a-hole to her, perhaps i'd have also gotten through the torment you are going through right now.

 

Please be strong....you will make it

[Cressida]

Oranges and apples.

Many would also tell an OM that the MW is not going to leave her husband, and to move on surely?

The married person is in the "fixed" relationship, a relationship that is longer and usually more complicated, so why would it be an surprise that the OM/OW is likely to find that the married person will not leave their spouse.

 

I have also seen many instances of a MM being told to tell the wife and leave her actually too.

 

If you go through the posts on this forum, statistically speaking, the overwhelming majority gives double-standard advice to cheating MM versus to cheating MW.

 

I clearly remember that one of my first posts here was to comment on someone, a woman, who had told a MM to think about his former mistress as , and I QUOTE, 'a cancerous tumor' and remove her from his life. So the OW was good enough for opening her legs, her heart, sometimes even her home and put her life on the platter for the MM, but the minute his marriage was at risk, she was to be unceremoniously cut off, like an excrescence of some sort. Disgraceful to say the least.

 

Upon expressing my outrage, MOST WOMEN on that forum jumped to say that that was the right thing to do, that people (i.e. men) who want to to the right thing, particularly when it came to a father/husband who had a wife and kids at home, had to cut off, pack up and throw the 'tumor' away, never look back, to 'save their marriage'.

 

Ironically and awfully now, 99% of ANY and ALL advice I have personally read here, to women cheating on their husbands this time, was 'leave your husband', 'he deserves to be happy', 'leave him alone to rebuild his life', 'you need to grow and focus on yourself'. Nobody said cut off the cancerous tumor that the MM is, forget about him and focus on your husband, as he is the father of your child and he should be No. 1.

 

I mean I just commented and wrote that my opinion was for the lady who posted here to focus on her husband and you said her marriage was 'a sham. Why? If she was a man, would you have told 'him' his marriage is a sham and his wife deserves to be left alone with a child, so he could improve himself? I doubt it.

 

So it might be your opinion, but the overwhelming majority believes this. Perhaps it has something to do with the perception of women v. men, protect the wife v. 'remove' the 'shame' and 'betrayal' from the man who doesn't deserve this, his ego doesn't. Either way, it's really a pity that women and men are treated so differently.

 

I hope no woman ever takes this advice and instead decides to focus on her marriage and husband once she ends the affair for good.

[cif]

Ugh...WHY does it always have to be that the married woman involved in an affair must 'tell their husband', 'come clean', get a divorce so he can be 'set free' and 'find love with someone who deserves him more', while cheating men are told 'fight for your marriage', 'don't leave your sacred wife for a mistress', 'try to fix things up' ??

 

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND and DO NOT TELL HIM, particularly if you know he'd get violent. Nothing good can come out of that.

 

This needs to be copied and pasted in every new thread. Gets annoying people pushing their ideals on everyone regardless of the situation. And OP has stated many times she doesn't want to discuss her husband.

[jbrent890]

If you go through the posts on this forum, statistically speaking, the overwhelming majority gives double-standard advice to cheating MM versus to cheating MW.

 

I clearly remember that one of my first posts here was to comment on someone, a woman, who had told a MM to think about his former mistress as , and I QUOTE, 'a cancerous tumor' and remove her from his life. So the OW was good enough for opening her legs, her heart, sometimes even her home and put her life on the platter for the MM, but the minute his marriage was at risk, she was to be unceremoniously cut off, like an excrescence of some sort. Disgraceful to say the least.

 

Upon expressing my outrage, MOST WOMEN on that forum jumped to say that that was the right thing to do, that people (i.e. men) who want to to the right thing, particularly when it came to a father/husband who had a wife and kids at home, had to cut off, pack up and throw the 'tumor' away, never look back, to 'save their marriage'.

 

Ironically and awfully now, 99% of ANY and ALL advice I have personally read here, to women cheating on their husbands this time, was 'leave your husband', 'he deserves to be happy', 'leave him alone to rebuild his life', 'you need to grow and focus on yourself'. Nobody said cut off the cancerous tumor that the MM is, forget about him and focus on your husband, as he is the father of your child and he should be No. 1.

 

I mean I just commented and wrote that my opinion was for the lady who posted here to focus on her husband and you said her marriage was 'a sham. Why? If she was a man, would you have told 'him' his marriage is a sham and his wife deserves to be left alone with a child, so he could improve himself? I doubt it.

 

So it might be your opinion, but the overwhelming majority believes this. Perhaps it has something to do with the perception of women v. men, protect the wife v. 'remove' the 'shame' and 'betrayal' from the man who doesn't deserve this, his ego doesn't. Either way, it's really a pity that women and men are treated so differently.

 

I hope no woman ever takes this advice and instead decides to focus on her marriage and husband once she ends the affair for good.

 

Even though I have only been on this site a few months, I have not seen what you are talking about. To be honest, you don't get that many cheating husbands asking for advice on this site. And one of the few I did see, he got chewed out far worse and was told to do the same thing: confess or leave. For me, I don't care what gender, race, religion, or socio-economic class you belong to. Cheating is wrong. Cheating and lying to your partner to keep them living a lie is just as wrong. Like I said, if she feels her husband will be violent with her, then she should stay quite. I do not want her getting physically assaulted. However, it sounds like she is keeping quite to protect the OM. How do you expect her to fully recommit to her marriage when her AP will always come before her husband. She would not be going back out of love. To me that's sad. Not just for her husband but for her as well. If you only get one life to live, why live with someone that makes you miserable? More importantly, why go back if you can't put 100% in. At best, she will be able to put 75% in because the AP will always take up rent in her head. I stress confession for a multitude of reasons. Mainly because the marriage can't be properly healed if the BS does fully understand the reality of the situation.

[elaine567]

If you go through the posts on this forum, statistically speaking, the overwhelming majority gives double-standard advice to cheating MM versus to cheating MW.

 

I clearly remember that one of my first posts here was to comment on someone, a woman, who had told a MM to think about his former mistress as , and I QUOTE, 'a cancerous tumor' and remove her from his life. So the OW was good enough for opening her legs, her heart, sometimes even her home and put her life on the platter for the MM, but the minute his marriage was at risk, she was to be unceremoniously cut off, like an excrescence of some sort. Disgraceful to say the least.

 

Upon expressing my outrage, MOST WOMEN on that forum jumped to say that that was the right thing to do, that people (i.e. men) who want to to the right thing, particularly when it came to a father/husband who had a wife and kids at home, had to cut off, pack up and throw the 'tumor' away, never look back, to 'save their marriage'.

 

Ironically and awfully now, 99% of ANY and ALL advice I have personally read here, to women cheating on their husbands this time, was 'leave your husband', 'he deserves to be happy', 'leave him alone to rebuild his life', 'you need to grow and focus on yourself'. Nobody said cut off the cancerous tumor that the MM is, forget about him and focus on your husband, as he is the father of your child and he should be No. 1.

 

I mean I just commented and wrote that my opinion was for the lady who posted here to focus on her husband and you said her marriage was 'a sham. Why? If she was a man, would you have told 'him' his marriage is a sham and his wife deserves to be left alone with a child, so he could improve himself? I doubt it.

 

So it might be your opinion, but the overwhelming majority believes this. Perhaps it has something to do with the perception of women v. men, protect the wife v. 'remove' the 'shame' and 'betrayal' from the man who doesn't deserve this, his ego doesn't. Either way, it's really a pity that women and men are treated so differently.

 

I hope no woman ever takes this advice and instead decides to focus on her marriage and husband once she ends the affair for good.

 

I that my opinion was for the lady who posted here to focus on her husband and you said her marriage was 'a sham. Why? If she was a man, would you have told 'him' his marriage is a sham and his wife deserves to be left alone with a child, so he could improve himself? I doubt it.

 

So it might be your opinion, but the overwhelming majority believes this. Perhaps it has something to do with the perception of women v. men, protect the wife v. 'remove' the 'shame' and 'betrayal' from the man who doesn't deserve this, his ego doesn't. Either way, it's really a pity that women and men are treated so differently.

 

I hope no woman ever takes this advice and instead decides to focus on her marriage and husband once she ends the affair for good.

 

I may have set off some triggers for you here, it appears I have.

BUT the OPs marriage is "a sham" not because she is cheating per se but because of what she has said. "My husband and I's marriage has been a mess for years." and more clearly. "We both know if it wasn't for our child we wouldn't be together." she even admits that on leaving previously "I know now it would have been better to stay away."

 

- SO with that info, why should she stay, why would anyone suggest she bite the bullet and put up with a marriage that has obviously not worked for years? Therapy for years, to save what?

I am not suggesting she tell her husband re the A, as that may be dangerous for her. Everyone needs to consider physical safety first.

 

This isn't about men and women, nor is it about any perceived bias on your part. One size doesn't fix all. I speak as I find.

This is about THIS OP and her marriage.

[anika99]

I agree with this so much. I see so many people in here tell the OW that the MM is never going to leave and loves his wife and to move on. Whenever a MW comes on it's the opposite, "confess, leave your husband". Total double standard.

 

 

 

That's not opposite or a double standard. The fact is that most MM in affairs do not leave their wives so it's not strange that people would advise an OW to stop hanging onto a man that is never going to choose her. On the other hand, on the rare occasions that MM start threads here I see just as many posters tell them to confess and leave their wives so that their wives can find a man who really loves them as I see people saying that to the MW in an affair. There are far less MM here than there are OW and MW, so you can't really compare the advice.

[anika99]

If you go through the posts on this forum, statistically speaking, the overwhelming majority gives double-standard advice to cheating MM versus to cheating MW.

 

I clearly remember that one of my first posts here was to comment on someone, a woman, who had told a MM to think about his former mistress as , and I QUOTE, 'a cancerous tumor' and remove her from his life. So the OW was good enough for opening her legs, her heart, sometimes even her home and put her life on the platter for the MM, but the minute his marriage was at risk, she was to be unceremoniously cut off, like an excrescence of some sort. Disgraceful to say the least.

 

Upon expressing my outrage, MOST WOMEN on that forum jumped to say that that was the right thing to do, that people (i.e. men) who want to to the right thing, particularly when it came to a father/husband who had a wife and kids at home, had to cut off, pack up and throw the 'tumor' away, never look back, to 'save their marriage'.

 

Ironically and awfully now, 99% of ANY and ALL advice I have personally read here, to women cheating on their husbands this time, was 'leave your husband', 'he deserves to be happy', 'leave him alone to rebuild his life', 'you need to grow and focus on yourself'. Nobody said cut off the cancerous tumor that the MM is, forget about him and focus on your husband, as he is the father of your child and he should be No. 1.

 

I mean I just commented and wrote that my opinion was for the lady who posted here to focus on her husband and you said her marriage was 'a sham. Why? If she was a man, would you have told 'him' his marriage is a sham and his wife deserves to be left alone with a child, so he could improve himself? I doubt it.

 

So it might be your opinion, but the overwhelming majority believes this. Perhaps it has something to do with the perception of women v. men, protect the wife v. 'remove' the 'shame' and 'betrayal' from the man who doesn't deserve this, his ego doesn't. Either way, it's really a pity that women and men are treated so differently.

 

I hope no woman ever takes this advice and instead decides to focus on her marriage and husband once she ends the affair for good.

 

I have not noticed different advice being given to MW and MM. I think you have to put each thread in context and take into account what the thread starters story is and what they are saying. I did not see the thread you are referring to, but I suspect it was from an MM who had decided to choose his marriage and end the affair, in which case the advice would be geared towards saving his marriage. When an MM comes here posting that he doesn't love his wife and doesn't want to end his affair then most of the advice is geared towards "confessing and setting his wife free to find someone who will love her". Also you have to take into account the mindset of the individual posters as their advice usually doesn't change much from one thread to the next. Some people think it's nuts to confess an affair or to end a marriage for an affair partner so their advice is usually to take the secret to your grave and don't rock the boat. Some people think an affair is always a sign that marriage is worthless and their advice is always to rush right on down to city hall and file for divorce immediately. People post from their own hearts and experiences, they don't tailor their advice based on gender or role.

[Nattie]

Ronnie, I'm in a similar situation, however I have decided to leave my H. I know I will never be able to give him the type of love and relationship that he deserves. I also whole heartedly believe that sometimes we make commitments when we're young, and unable to see the bigger picture, who we will be 10-15 years from that time. I met my match and love of my life too late, and although the situation is far from ideal, life is too short to live in a miserable marriage. Feel free to PM me if you'd like, and best of luck to you. I know how difficult this is.

[CALOVELY]

If you go through the posts on this forum, statistically speaking, the overwhelming majority gives double-standard advice to cheating MM versus to cheating MW.

 

I clearly remember that one of my first posts here was to comment on someone, a woman, who had told a MM to think about his former mistress as , and I QUOTE, 'a cancerous tumor' and remove her from his life. So the OW was good enough for opening her legs, her heart, sometimes even her home and put her life on the platter for the MM, but the minute his marriage was at risk, she was to be unceremoniously cut off, like an excrescence of some sort. Disgraceful to say the least.

Upon expressing my outrage, MOST WOMEN on that forum jumped to say that that was the right thing to do, that people (i.e. men) who want to to the right thing, particularly when it came to a father/husband who had a wife and kids at home, had to cut off, pack up and throw the 'tumor' away, never look back, to 'save their marriage'.

 

Ironically and awfully now, 99% of ANY and ALL advice I have personally read here, to women cheating on their husbands this time, was 'leave your husband', 'he deserves to be happy', 'leave him alone to rebuild his life', 'you need to grow and focus on yourself'. Nobody said cut off the cancerous tumor that the MM is, forget about him and focus on your husband, as he is the father of your child and he should be No. 1.

 

I mean I just commented and wrote that my opinion was for the lady who posted here to focus on her husband and you said her marriage was 'a sham. Why? If she was a man, would you have told 'him' his marriage is a sham and his wife deserves to be left alone with a child, so he could improve himself? I doubt it.

 

So it might be your opinion, but the overwhelming majority believes this. Perhaps it has something to do with the perception of women v. men, protect the wife v. 'remove' the 'shame' and 'betrayal' from the man who doesn't deserve this, his ego doesn't. Either way, it's really a pity that women and men are treated so differently.

 

I hope no woman ever takes this advice and instead decides to focus on her marriage and husband once she ends the affair for good.

 

The first bolded part is your projection. I know the thread you are talking about and it was a MM who wanted to save his marriage. In that context, yes, the OW was a cancer that needed to be cut out to save the health of the marriage. Everybody advised him to come clean to his wife so that she had an honest idea of her marriage and could make informed decisions based on that information.

 

The second bolded part is advice given to women who stay in a marriage because BH is "a good provider and father". The posts are from women who want the best of both worlds and not from women who want to end their affairs to work on their marriage.

 

The posts from those who do want to rebuild their marriage are identical in advice, regardless of gender. Confess, end all contact with AP, don't rug sweep, don't lie and be willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild.

 

Cressida, I am neither a BW nor an OW and have no skin in this game. I do think you aren't seeing things as clearly because of your deep hurt, which is understandable. In many of your posts though you have made statements that aren't grounded in reality, rather your own pain.

[Cressida]

I am no longer in pain, my affair with my exMM ended months ago. I am not married so the topic doesn't even include me.

 

My comment regarded not only threads started by MM in affairs with OW versus married women who are having affairs with MM/single men.

 

I said that 99% of the advice here, IN GENERAL, is always structured along those lines. Most of the times women will start threads and post comments, not men, most users here are women.

 

So I didn't imply that when a man asks for advice, he is told one thing, whether a woman in the same situation is told another thing. I implied that advice overall, about someone's case, told either to the OW inquiring about her relationship with her MM, or to a MM (very rarely, as men aren't that present here), or to anyone else for that matter, always seems to follow the pattern:

 

Advice to OW about married man: 'oh honey! he'll never leave his wife! she is his priority and you have to cut him off and move on! let him work on his marriage! his family comes first, of course he threw you under the bus, what did you expect?

 

Advice to married woman in an extra-marital affair: 'omg please come clean and set him free.....he needs to be happy with someone else' etc.

 

Please contradict me and let me know how many OW were told 'you should go tell his wife, for him to come clean and her to divorce him, that's what she should do, regardless of children or not, as he needs to be set free to be with you'. I have yet to see one such comment, or something that would imply this even by a long shot.

 

Notice that I imply that there are two mindsets about what married men, versus married women should do.

 

Perhaps I didn't express myself correctly, but this is what I wanted to say. That in general, overall, women are told that they should do one thing BUT it is implied that MM should do another one. I didn't say that MM are directly told to do this or that, as MM rarely visit this website.

 

The fact that you or anyone else here tells a MM to divorce when the MM himself is posting, this is irrelevant. That's standard answer- dude, you're wrong, affair bad, bad, etc. My point is about a mentality, not a specific action, its 'initiator' or 'target'.

 

And my problem so to speak was that if the lady says she wants to focus on her marriage, whatever type it may be, of convenience because of her son or not, that she wants to recover and move on from the affair, i personally don't see as good advice when someone tells her that no, her marriage is a sham and she shouldn't make it with her husband but divorce so as to 'come clean'. She was only inquiring about how to move on, not how to divorce. You should tell her to see her former lover as a cancerous tumor and move on from him, and try to put her best effort into her 'sham' marriage, if this is what she wants, and what she and her husband have decided to do with regards to their marriage.

 

MY PERSONAL opinion, y'all. I think that we have to agree to disagree here.

[Cressida]

The second bolded part is advice given to women who stay in a marriage because BH is "a good provider and father". The posts are from women who want the best of both worlds and not from women who want to end their affairs to work on their marriage.

 

How can we tell the difference, on a forum?

 

It doesn't mean that the lady in question, for example, who ended her emotional affair and just wants to move on, necessarily wants the best of two worlds. She has decided to continue her marriage for the sake of her son, like so many MM decide and nobody flinches about it. The fact that she doesn't want her marriage to work and believes it doesn't, but stays in it, it is her decision and that doesn't make her a person who wants 'the provider' husband only.

[Ronnie33]

I think this thread got off topic.

 

I wanted to know how people in my situation ended things with AP and moved on even when they didn't want to but knew they had to. What did you do to stay strong and keep NC.

 

That's all I wanted to know. I didn't mean for it to start some big back and forth debate about confessing and divorce.

 

Thanks everyone.

[Cressida]

What I personally did: (my ex was MM...)

 

1) thought of the bad things MM did. How he'd blow a gasket and tantrums for every little thin, how intolerant he was at times, for the silliest of things

 

2) thought of how it would have never worked, due to the circumstances and my insecurities caused by those circumstances....

 

3) thought of wasting my life away for a big question mark

 

4) thought of how he doesn't really love, trust and connect with me, and doesn't have the same affection towards me as he had for his wife...

 

I think that it works best when you have some negative behavior/traits to think about...or that it has no future...or really worry about the consequences if H found out...

 

You need motivation to end it and stay NC...that's very hard because motivation has to be stronger than the desire to continue...like a previous post made the analogy with quitting smoking....pretty similar, imo

[FusionCutter]

What I personally did: (my ex was MM...)

 

1) thought of the bad things MM did. How he'd blow a gasket and tantrums for every little thin, how intolerant he was at times, for the silliest of things

 

2) thought of how it would have never worked, due to the circumstances and my insecurities caused by those circumstances....

 

3) thought of wasting my life away for a big question mark

 

4) thought of how he doesn't really love, trust and connect with me, and doesn't have the same affection towards me as he had for his wife...

 

I think that it works best when you have some negative behavior/traits to think about...or that it has no future...or really worry about the consequences if H found out...

 

You need motivation to end it and stay NC...that's very hard because motivation has to be stronger than the desire to continue...like a previous post made the analogy with quitting smoking....pretty similar, imo

 

Hey, what's the situation with you? I thought I saw something about you still keeping contact with him as friends and I said perhaps you were fooling yourself. Do you still contact him?

[Cressida]

I don't want to encroach on this post. We shall discuss it some other time

[CALOVELY]

 

Advice to OW about married man: 'oh honey! he'll never leave his wife! she is his priority and you have to cut him off and move on! let him work on his marriage! his family comes first, of course he threw you under the bus, what did you expect?

 

Advice to married woman in an extra-marital affair: 'omg please come clean and set him free.....he needs to be happy with someone else' etc.

 

 

 

You are comparing apples to Q-tips. Only one of those two is actually involved in the marriage, so of course the advice is going to be different. The two are not comparable. One is no more privy to the inner workings of the marriage than a complete stranger. So the advice given is usually along the lines of "Don't take what he says at face value, the man lies and cheats, MM rarely leave, etc". All of those statements are true. A MW is different in that she is in the marriage and knows what is going on. In the cases of MW posting here, they are told "Set him free, he needs to be happy, etc." based on the admissions of the MW saying they won't end their affairs. She doesn't want to work on her marriage, she wants to enjoy cake.

 

In both cases of MM and MW who come here and say they regret what they did and need help ending their affairs/moving forward, the advice is identical. Come clean and live an authentic life. In both cases of MM and MW who come here and say they want to keep having affairs while keeping their marriage, the advice is also identical. Set their spouses free and give them a chance at real love.

 

**Edit: Off topic. Sorry for that OP. I'll stop.

Edited December 20, 2014 by CALOVELY

[elaine567]

I think this thread got off topic.

 

I wanted to know how people in my situation ended things with AP and moved on even when they didn't want to but knew they had to. What did you do to stay strong and keep NC.

 

That's all I wanted to know. I didn't mean for it to start some big back and forth debate about confessing and divorce.

 

Thanks everyone.

 

I have not been in the specific situation you are in, but I have gone NC with people I have broken up with, so perhaps similar.

 

It is all about mindset and deciding that NC is the way to go. You can make up stuff in your head to "hate" that person, but if hate is not what you feel, you are fooling yourself.

 

Here, it appears you need to focus on your family and your life, throw yourself into activities, making things, doing things, set an agenda and stick to it.

Spend time whenever you think of him, doing something, anything, just do something, even if it is mundane. Arrange events, visits, meetings, catch-ups - fill your diary,

so that you do not spend loads of time on your own, just thinking about him.

Do not give yourself any time for that quick text/email/call to him.

If you have the desire to tell him about the everyday stuff in your life, then choose someone else to tell, but tell someone else.

Share the moment with someone else, it could be your husband, your son, a friend, a van driver, a shop assistant, someone on social media, anybody, but resist the urge to share it with him.

After a while, it becomes normal to seek out others to share your life with and thus it gets easier.

[Cressida]

After the last big fight (LBF) I had with exMM, I actually felt like time alone was actually good, as it allowed me to go through everything step by step, and analyze each and every moment I deemed important, to assess what was to be done and how to proceed and feel about him further on.

 

But there was a lot of disappointment, bitterness, anger, pain, loneliness....all of which I get that your ex 'AP' never caused you. Setting yourself 'against him' may not be the way to go in your case.

 

I do believe that keeping yourself busy and repeating to yourself that it wouldn't go anywhere and it could hurt you beyond means if your H found out, and it could hurt him as well, all this is worth going NC.

 

One day you will meet another friend, someone to 'fill his space' and have a true meaningful friendship with them, it could be another girl, or a sister, a relative....you never know:love: