Betraying yourself by staying

[katielee]

Replace pronouns. You screwed him over, too.

 

Both acted out, and it's all done.

 

What did you expect to happen when you cheated on him? Most men leave. He took his pound of flesh and stayed. You could consider yourself lucky to have the choice of staying or leaving, because many ww don't have that choice.

 

I would have rather he divorced me than cheated on me. That would have been the honorable thing to do.

[velvette]

and again in this forum it always comes to : you got what you deserved. always.

no other forum is like that.

 

I absolutely have a right to behave like a Bs, same as him. He has a right to demand things from me.

 

I'm trying to decide if I should stay or leave. And most people here are telling me to just get over it because I'm a Ws too. My husband didn't take his lumps. He acted out. He left this marriage behind my back for months. I'm trying to tell him how angry, sad and hurt I am too his face, not behind his back. Yet I get chastised for doing this whereas most of you think I should just assume that's what I deserved.

 

When people are angry and resentful others are quick to say that you shouldn't be like that. You should just make a decision not to be like that. there is no way that is a simple decision for me. So when I trigger I just say to myself, "hey I decided not to get sad or mad about that." I've tried it. it doens't work. And time took away most of my triggers.

 

 

No one is telling you not to feel betrayed. But, you also cant ignore the real fact that you set all this in motion. What we at least I am saying is you have a different set of circumstances than most BS because you both cheated. You cant ignore that reality. So demand all you want. Let him demand all he wants. The practical reality is that wont work if you are demanding different things.

 

 

No one has told you not to feel angry, sad or whatever. What most are saying is choose not to dwell in those feelings.

 

 

BTW what do you mean when you say your H didn't take his lumps?

[jnel921]

How can working towards a path of happiness in R be a betrayal of one's self?

The process includes communication and change from both people. If you are still angry, perhaps you made the wrong choice.

 

It is you who is betraying the possibility of forgiveness and fixing your M.

[velvette]

I would have rather he divorced me than cheated on me. That would have been the honorable thing to do.

 

When you do something that hurts other people, you cannot predict or control what they do in response.

 

 

Shoulda, woulda, coulda will get you no where.

 

 

He did what he did, just like you did. And, BTW this is double standard talk because you could have told him you wanted a D rather than cheat.

 

 

Stop trying to control or dictate who your H should be. Devote your energy to being the person that you want to be.

 

 

If there are ways you want your H to change, then ask him with love and respect to try to change. But, be realistic and make them things you truly need, not just something to prove a point or win a battle.

[katielee]

When you do something that hurts other people, you cannot predict or control what they do in response.

 

 

Shoulda, woulda, coulda will get you no where.

 

 

He did what he did, just like you did. And, BTW this is double standard talk because you could have told him you wanted a D rather than cheat.

 

 

Stop trying to control or dictate who your H should be. Devote your energy to being the person that you want to be.

 

 

If there are ways you want your H to change, then ask him with love and respect to try to change. But, be realistic and make them things you truly need, not just something to prove a point or win a battle.

 

It's not a double standard. I wish I would have divorced too.

 

I have asked him lovingly. I have sat him down and said "this hurts" and "I don't know if I can do this."

 

I live my life with integrity and honesty. I am the person I want to be. I'm disappointed in the person he is, plain and simple. Not his actions of the past - but right now today.

[katielee]

How can working towards a path of happiness in R be a betrayal of one's self?

The process includes communication and change from both people. If you are still angry, perhaps you made the wrong choice.

 

it is not. I just don't know if I can be happy with someone who did this. I can't determine if it was a dealbreaker yet. He has a dealbreaker too - If I cheat again. We all have our lines in the sand.

 

Perhaps I did.

[katielee]

 

 

BTW what do you mean when you say your H didn't take his lumps?

 

That implies to me staying and being a good partner and not enacting revenge.

[velvette]

It's not a double standard. I wish I would have divorced too.

 

I have asked him lovingly. I have sat him down and said "this hurts" and "I don't know if I can do this."

 

I live my life with integrity and honesty. I am the person I want to be. I'm disappointed in the person he is, plain and simple. Not his actions of the past - but right now today.

 

 

 

What specifically are you disappointed in and are they things that are different from who he has always been?

[xxoo]

My husband didn't take his lumps. He acted out. He left this marriage behind my back for months. I'm trying to tell him how angry, sad and hurt I am too his face, not behind his back. Yet I get chastised for doing this whereas most of you think I should just assume that's what I deserved.

 

Express your sadness, anger and hurt.

 

Why does he need to take lumps beyond having been cheated on?

 

What did you do to make up for your cheating that he has not done?

 

What was the reason you initially cheated? Have you been looking for a 'grand gesture' all this time, hoping that he would fight for your marriage without taking revenge?

Edited December 19, 2014 by xxoo

[velvette]

it is not. I just don't know if I can be happy with someone who did this. I can't determine if it was a dealbreaker yet. He has a dealbreaker too - If I cheat again. We all have our lines in the sand.

 

Perhaps I did.

 

 

Yes but most of us know what they are before we call them lines in the sand.

 

 

Drawing potential lines in the sand before you know something is a line in the sand is more of a threat than a healthy maintenance of your own boundaries.

[katielee]

Express your sadness, anger and hurt.

 

Why does he need to take lumps beyond having been cheated on?

 

What did you do to make up for your cheating that he has not done?

 

What was the reason you initially cheated? Have you been looking for a 'grand gesture' all this time, hoping that he would fight for your marriage without taking revenge?

 

he should be taking no more lumps besides that! That was enough. But to take a lump and then exact revenge, kind of puts the lumps in a different light.

 

I have asked nothing of him but going to IC/MC with me and reading and moving. He has done Ic/Mc. He's not much of a reader and doens't think it helps. I may be ok with that - not sure. I offered to quit my job and move. But my AP moved hours away. Still, if my job triggered my husband, I would give it up. He mentions it occasionally and I offer to give it up if he wants me to.

 

I think that we would be WELL on our way to recovery if he had had just one affair. But the 2nd affair just threw me and pointed to purposeful cruelty? I understand how he kinda just fell into the first one and was in a lot of pain. I have empathy for him for that. But he saw what it did to both of us and he did it again? That is very very hard to get past. How many here would put up with two affairs?

 

I initially cheated because I needed some sort of external validation. I remember being unhappy and in pain. And if I would have come to him and told him this he would have done something. I know he would have. But I didn't give him that chance. And now I have my words and talk. I'm a very different person than what I was when we married. I think that's what makes a BS feels safe - the internal change in their WS. And he has said he feels safe with me because of this. And he has said that if his affairs caused me so much more pain than what I was in before my affair and I didn't reach for an affair as a coping mechanism, then I never will. And that makes him feel safe with me too.

[xxoo]

he should be taking no more lumps besides that! That was enough. But to take a lump and then exact revenge, kind of puts the lumps in a different light.

 

Why is revenge more damning in your mind than a sucker punch? It's all awful.

 

Think of it this way: your husband is being a good man and faithful husband. His wife is having personal issues and cheats on him, sending him into a different place. He does what he needs to do to climb out of that place. Things are "restored" to him, because he's back to being a good man and faithful husband.

 

Now his wife is having personal issues again and wants him to atone for the things he did to climb out of the pit he sank into because of her actions. It's a carnival ride of drama, centering on a wife with need for external validation.

 

You didn't "deserve" to be cheated on, but neither did he. And neither of you "deserve" any grand gesture for staying. At this point, it's take it or leave it.

 

You both seem to want to stay for some reason. Is it to continue to punish him? Are you trying to deny him a clean slate with someone else?

[velvette]

 

 

 

 

I think that we would be WELL on our way to recovery if he had had just one affair. But the 2nd affair just threw me and pointed to purposeful cruelty? I understand how he kinda just fell into the first one and was in a lot of pain. I have empathy for him for that. But he saw what it did to both of us and he did it again? That is very very hard to get past. How many here would put up with two affairs?

 

.

 

 

Did your H tell you he intentionally had the second A to hurt you or are you mind reading? Sounds more like he was continuing to act out his own pain without regard for what it would do to you.

 

 

That is what everyone who cheats does. That's what you did. So really what he did is no worse than what you did.

 

 

Putting all that aside, trying to decide or win a contest of who is more hurt in a marriage where both people are hurt or disappointed in the other is a losing proposition. Doesn't matter what caused the hurt whether its cheating, disrespect, negligence, etc. The only solution is to decide you want a marriage where you intentionally focus on not hurting each other.

 

 

As long as you are scorekeeping, no one wins. You both lose no matter how high you drive the score up on your side.

[katielee]

Did your H tell you he intentionally had the second A to hurt you or are you mind reading? Sounds more like he was continuing to act out his own pain without regard for what it would do to you.

 

 

 

 

As long as you are scorekeeping, no one wins. You both lose no matter how high you drive the score up on your side.

 

he actually said you had two , so I got to have two (I was sexually assaulted and he knew this) but yep, he was acting out his own pain. I have pain now - do I get to act out? No. But should he forgive me if I did - according to your logic yes.

 

As long we we're not scorekeeping then we should just have affairs anytime we want. No, it's not scorekeeping - it's a line in the sand he crossed (2nd affair) that I don't know if I can live with.

[katielee]

The only solution is to decide you want a marriage where you intentionally focus on not hurting each other.

 

 

 

Gee, I thought I asked for that after his first affair. This is what our MC said - stop hurting each other.

[xxoo]

he actually said you had two , so I got to have two (I was sexually assaulted and he knew this) but yep, he was acting out his own pain. I have pain now - do I get to act out? No. But should he forgive me if I did - according to your logic yes. .

 

He still has pain. You both have horrible pain.

 

No one "should" forgive. It isn't deserved. It's a choice to forgive so that you can put the past in the past and move forward.

 

Do you want to act out? How?

[Selfish]

well, my advice has nothing to do with you being a fws. It has to do with you accepting the fact that if wishes were horses, beggars would ride. You can't change anything about him. You can't wish him into being the husband you want. You can't beg him into it. And you can't manipulate him.

 

So stop making excuses for yourself and why you are in this pit of resentment, anger and bitterness. (good days or no). And start taking action to change it(even if you don't like it).

[velvette]

he actually said you had two , so I got to have two (I was sexually assaulted and he knew this) but yep, he was acting out his own pain. I have pain now - do I get to act out? No. But should he forgive me if I did - according to your logic yes.

 

As long we we're not scorekeeping then we should just have affairs anytime we want. No, it's not scorekeeping - it's a line in the sand he crossed (2nd affair) that I don't know if I can live with.

 

I think you are acting out your pain and in a way that will destroy your M as surely as another A would.

 

 

You are twisting what I said. No one should or must forgive. That's up to each of you. IMO you will not be able to have a happy fulfilling M unless you do. So, if you cant then you probably should D.

 

 

There is no logic involved in A. Both of you made illogical choices to address your pain which resulted in more pain heaped on yourselves and each other.

 

 

If you want to call your H actions worse than yours, that's your right. I don't think you will find many people who will agree and it serves no purpose imo. Human beings being who they are will always believe their pain is the most important. Everyone in pain hurts. There simply is no purpose in a M in trying to one up each other in the pain dept.

[velvette]

Gee, I thought I asked for that after his first affair. This is what our MC said - stop hurting each other.

 

 

We don't always get what we ask for when we ask for it.

 

 

Obviously, your H was unable to honor that request at that time.

 

 

To me the important thing would be whether or not he is able to honor it now and going forward.

[katielee]

We don't always get what we ask for when we ask for it.

 

 

Obviously, your H was unable to honor that request at that time.

 

.

 

and the consequence of that could be me leaving him.

[katielee]

H

 

Do you want to act out? How?

 

nope. I want to live with integrity.

[katielee]

 

So stop making excuses for yourself and why you are in this pit of resentment, anger and bitterness. (good days or no). And start taking action to change it(even if you don't like it).

 

my change will be leaving him so I can move on.

[katielee]

 

If you want to call your H actions worse than yours, that's your right. I don't think you will find many people who will agree and it serves no purpose imo. Human beings being who they are will always believe their pain is the most important. Everyone in pain hurts. There simply is no purpose in a M in trying to one up each other in the pain dept.

 

I consider his worse because he did it twice and he didn't confess. So I will divorce him because he crossed my line, The 2nd one was a dealbreaker and I have a right to decide what my dealbreaker is. He would leave me if I had another so I'm sure he'll understand.

Done. Have a good life hubby.

[xxoo]

I think you'll have a lot more peace if you leave him. It is probably best for both of you.

[Selfish]

I consider his worse because he did it twice and he didn't confess. So I will divorce him because he crossed my line, The 2nd one was a dealbreaker and I have a right to decide what my dealbreaker is. He would leave me if I had another so I'm sure he'll understand.

Done. Have a good life hubby.

 

So what is your plan? This sounds like moving isn't actually even the issue. The issue was/is the second affair. So that being said will you be honest and tell him you will not forgive his second affair and the marriage is over or are you going to be vague and not clear over what is happening with you?

 

If you move and he decides to move and try to "win you back" will you be receptive to that or will you make it clear the damage is too great and there is no chance for you two. Will you stick to your decision or...?

 

will you make the divorce as easy and uncomplicated as possible or will you take him to the cleaners? There are still a lot of decisions and actions to make. Saying your done and being done are two different things.