petee Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 I think it's worth telling us how your A was discovered. Finding out in the worst possible way (in your house, in your bed) will bring out a more angry response than just finding a text. Hang in there, but as all the good people are saying over all of the threads he needs to grieve, and some of that process will be quite horrible as it needs to be channeled straight through you, his best mate ever. The duration is unknown, but it won't go ad infinitum, so baton down and know it won't be forever. Link to post Share on other sites
flowergirl14 Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 After D-Day, I became a digital ninja. I had a headstart because I also work for a high Tech Digital security company. Seriously, I could probably tell you your social security number and where you bought lunch yesterday if you give me a half hour. I went from having zero suspicion, to making damn sure I know every keystroke, location, or word spoken into a cell phone ( or in the car, or at the house when I wasn't there etc.. ) I could turn on the camera of her phone at any time and have it show me what was in the room she was in. Basically I went f'ing crazy. This didn't last long, but it did prove to me there were either no shenanigans, or that she went to such incredible lengths to not get caught, that hell...she actually deserved it. lol. Kidding. These days, the only thing I hide is when I access this forum. I do it from a private window, and I feel no guilt about hiding it. I even keep a "Daily Rants" folder in my perosnal email that she can acess whenever she wants. I have told her to enter at her own peril, because I'm brutally honest with myself in there. If you are still close to DDay, your H is probably just still going crazy. Give it some time. Expect an RA, and if it happens... suck it up. Trusted then busted, Where were you when I needed you? What every bs wants is to be able to get to the bottom of things. Your tech saviness is enviable. Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 You have to consider this may be a revenge affair, or possibly he only found out you were cheating because he was having an affair himself, all along. so why do you care if he is having a revenge affair? You are only mad because he caught you. Don't you think he figured that out already by your actions, trickle truthing him, and nuances in bed? He is looking for your replacement now, and just wants to keep using your body while he shops. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 so why do you care if he is having a revenge affair? You are only mad because he caught you. Don't you think he figured that out already by your actions, trickle truthing him, and nuances in bed? He is looking for your replacement now, and just wants to keep using your body while he shops. Attacking just for the sake of attacking is pointless. Common for WS's to not want their BS to go out and have an affair. Having an affair is about the ability to compartmentalize. That separation allows them to act as all other spouses. You want to ride. Fine, but you can not ride my bike, b!tch or ba$tard, which ever the case may be. Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 I can't say for sure why he is acting the way he is,but could it be that he doesn;t trust you, and he wants to have a sectionof his life that is just for him that you can't find out about? That way, he won't be hurt as much as he would be if he trusted you 100%. If you think that could be the case, then it may be a situation where all you can do is wait it out amd prove to him that you are trustworthy. Show him that you have nothing to hide and that you can be honest. in time, once he learns that it is safe to do so, he might begin to let down his guard. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 I get me losing my privacy but what of his Well, it's sort of like this...you had the affair, he didn't. Thus you lose your privacy, he doesn't lose his? Get it? Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 I'll show you my heart if you show me yours. That's my ideal reconciliation. I do believe that sometimes our walls and self security are as intrinsic as our perception of happiness. We can soothe, but never fix the problem completely, unless our spouse is completely willing to be vulnerable again. Link to post Share on other sites
Selfish Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 well.. here is a few things why does he have so many burner phones? 9 months ago did he know about your affair? Because from your other posts I have read a bit of... doesn't look like it. Unless he knew for a while. If you guys are reconciling then there needs to be open and honesty from both partners. But if he hasn't committed yet and it has been a while then you may need to be more patient and keep working on you however. As a fws I will say this. NO matter what you have done you are still a human being with feelings. And you are allowed to have boundaries and grow as a person. Don't let guilt hold you back and keep you down. YOu are allowed to say you are done and walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 Well, it's sort of like this...you had the affair, he didn't. Thus you lose your privacy, he doesn't lose his? Get it? Only those that hide having something to hide. Both spouses must live life as an open book. Even if there never has been an affair. To deny access is one of the first steps to enable an affair. If one needs to keep secrets shows that they have not married the right person, not ready to be married, both. Why be married when you are not going to protect the marriage? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 General trend, ask a question get a few answers that don't fit nicely ....leave the thread in a huff. Some people confuse bashing as giving help. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mycatsnuggles Posted December 22, 2014 Author Share Posted December 22, 2014 Road,, yes why I stopped responding. I realize BS enjoy berating and bashing all WS as it appears to give them satisfaction but they are completely unlike the man I married and so provide little help to the situation. I do believe he is keeping part of himself private for now as he heals, I am sure he is keeping surveillance on me these make sense to me. While many would like for H to have a revenge affair to spite me I do not see that as occurring. If it does yes I will "suck it up" and deal with it. He's a good man, I made mistakes but he is willing and able to forgive. Thus we will work in the long run. I post occasionally as I have lost my privacy and journaling is not an option for me, so I write here more for myself then anyone else. I wish you all health happiness and healing in the future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 Do something nice for your H. Surprise him in a nice way. He is still around. Spend some of your energy back into your marriage. Hope you and your H find peace. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted December 23, 2014 Share Posted December 23, 2014 (edited) As a BS I locked ALL of my stuff down when I found out about my wife's affair. For me, I did this to protect my conversations I was having about her affair and my investigations etc. I didn't want her snooping to see what I knew. Perhaps the OP's husband is doing the same. Yes me too, and so much more. There are things I no longer share about my life, or feelings, thoughts, weakness, growth with her - that I do with others. Edited December 23, 2014 by dichotomy Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted December 23, 2014 Share Posted December 23, 2014 That's more along what I'm wondering. But why plan expensive trips we've had 2 and 2 more planned. We plan to renew vows, is he waiting for that moment to try to hurt me the most? I don't belie he's like that My guess is he's realized you keep secrets so he's decided he keeps secrets from you. That's just the kind of relationship you have now. Unless you've been on bended knee, begging him for forgiveness, willing to bear ALL to him, he will no longer trust you. You'll be the wife he keeps but never trusts again. Link to post Share on other sites
Selfish Posted December 23, 2014 Share Posted December 23, 2014 Yes me too, and so much more. There are things I no longer share about my life, or feelings, thoughts, weakness, growth with her - that I do with others. i really wonder why some people stay married after infidelity... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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