Need guidance with a girl asking for a break?

[justwhoiam]

I think you're not being crystal clear either, keeping the door open for her, and being accomodating when she said she might visit you after you relocate.

 

Another woman could enter your life, and you don't really need this woman to get in the way or even rethinking her choice and wanting you back. Maybe she wouldn't care at all about you dating or having a girlfriend, but you know, sometimes women can get a bit aggressive when another woman is in the picture.

[Raddy]

I think you're not being crystal clear either, keeping the door open for her, and being accomodating when she said she might visit you after you relocate.

 

Another woman could enter your life, and you don't really need this woman to get in the way or even rethinking her choice and wanting you back. Maybe she wouldn't care at all about you dating or having a girlfriend, but you know, sometimes women can get a bit aggressive when another woman is in the picture.

 

 

Yeah i see your point. What would you suggest to do here?

 

I've had a lot of other stuff going on in my life during this time and haven't been able to think straight which is why everyone's help has been great!

[justwhoiam]

Yeah i see your point. What would you suggest to do here?

Don't be afraid of rejecting her.

If she mentions visiting you, you can say "Thanks, but I'm quite busy lately and I'm seeing friends." She will understand.

[Raddy]

Don't be afraid of rejecting her.

If she mentions visiting you, you can say "Thanks, but I'm quite busy lately and I'm seeing friends." She will understand.

 

 

Yeah i feel i did on the call we had only in other ways

 

Example. I brought her a present while in Ireland on business and asked her to send the address of the port she was at. I said on the call i gave the present to a family member for xmas. She said ohh i forgot to send you the address. I said too bad. You snooze you loose.

 

Also she asked if i wanted to come down for a festival to where she is. I said flights and the ticket are too expensive and i'm already going to 2 others so its not going to happen.

 

I feel I held my side well enough with things like this and was more focused on telling her what i'm doing when she said she'll come down after she leaves more so than me saying oh you'll be in x place, maybe we can work something out. I can see how she may still think i'd wait for her after asking the question how does she feel about us.

 

3 months is a long time still and I told her again on the phone I've always said i'm moving forward.

 

For this reason if another girl does popup during this time then i'll be on a date with them.

 

Its been a couple of days since the call. I've still gotta really convince myself to really move on and play the hard to get game with her. To still wake up every morning thinking about her and having dreams about her is tough though

[justwhoiam]

if another girl does popup

Even if she doesn't, don't go back to her, otherwise you won't be moving on any time soon.

[Raddy]

Even if she doesn't, don't go back to her, otherwise you won't be moving on any time soon.

 

Time always puts things into perspective. I think I can come to realise that despite this being the craziest story of chasing each other around the world. She is far too used to a world that isn't reality having worked on boats for 6 or 7 years now.

 

She's used to having friends all over the place that she catches up with when its convenient for her/the boat. That's cool if your a friend as that's what its all about but unfortunately not for a relationship

 

I think she scared to face the full reality as she said this will be the last boat she works on. She's used to living each day as it comes and never had to worry about the future. Therefore I think when i've come about I really think its scared her to think there may be someone else in her life and she's commitment phobic. She has all these feelings but know idea how to deal with them in the real world but she does know how to avoid them as that's what the boat has taught her.

 

It is what it is and more unfortunate for my end now but she'll come to relive the words so she clearly put in an email to me one day. One day when i won't be around.

 

I really hope everyone that has read through this post can learn something from my experience and all the advice given throughout these last few weeks.

 

For me I'd never say this experience has been a waste of time i've ALWAYS lived my life. Its just a small part I was sharing hasn't worked out.

 

Its time to move on and find that someone that fits into that part

 

Peace

Edited January 7, 2015 by Raddy

[Spectre]

It's this simple: going on a break is a myth, there are no breaks, just break ups. If she really loved you and you were the man of her dreams like she claims then she wouldn't want a break. When a girl says she wants a break that usually means "I have found another guy or am about to find another guy".

 

The only reason for her to say your relationship should be now relegated to something "casual" is because she wants to screw around with others. No reason to go casual if she is as into you as she claims. I hate to say it, but she was probably with some other dudes over the holidays or something. What would be the point of turning your relationship casual until she gets off the boat..besides her wanting to get with other guys? Sounds like she wants to be free to screw around until she gets off the boat, and then she is willing to be with you.

 

If a couple wants to be together and truly work things out they do not go on breaks or set their relationship status to casual or any of that. They basically don't do anything that would give them permission to hook up with other people.

Edited January 8, 2015 by Spectre

[OnlyHonesty]

You are afraid of losing her, you care more for her than she does for you and she does not need to make an effort to keep you around. She is not confused at all, those words were just a phrase, it means nothing.

 

She just wants to keep you as an additional option or a fall back guy in case something else does not pan out and you are letting her.

 

You need to learn to never ever be afraid to walk away, until you learn that you will leave yourself open to being walked over, played and you will hear bs like ''I'm so confused babe'' or ''lets take a break''.

 

Ask yourself what you would have done or how you would have acted if you were not afraid to walk away. She has played games, disrespected you, not reciprocated with equal effort and taken you for granted.

 

What you don't realise is if you did get back together or have something more solid in the future, it wouldn't work because she never respected you or your time enough to show it through her actions. You have set a precident and communicated to her that you can be taken for granted and fobbed off with empty phrases without consequences.

 

There is only one true option here but I think you are afraid to make it. She needs to be dumped and discontinued contact with. You need to make it absolutely clear that your attention and prescence is a gift and one not to be taken for granted. If it is taken for granted your actions must communicate this.

 

I believe in giving a person more than once chance but if they blow it then you must take action otherwise your words are as empty as hers.

 

Never ever be afraid to walk away, remember these words.

 

Edit: I just read your response above, it sounds like you are on the right track.

[Raddy]

You are afraid of losing her, you care more for her than she does for you and she does not need to make an effort to keep you around. She is not confused at all, those words were just a phrase, it means nothing.

 

She just wants to keep you as an additional option or a fall back guy in case something else does not pan out and you are letting her.

 

You need to learn to never ever be afraid to walk away, until you learn that you will leave yourself open to being walked over, played and you will hear bs like ''I'm so confused babe'' or ''lets take a break''.

 

Ask yourself what you would have done or how you would have acted if you were not afraid to walk away. She has played games, disrespected you, not reciprocated with equal effort and taken you for granted.

 

What you don't realise is if you did get back together or have something more solid in the future, it wouldn't work because she never respected you or your time enough to show it through her actions. You have set a precident and communicated to her that you can be taken for granted and fobbed off with empty phrases without consequences.

 

There is only one true option here but I think you are afraid to make it. She needs to be dumped and discontinued contact with. You need to make it absolutely clear that your attention and prescence is a gift and one not to be taken for granted. If it is taken for granted your actions must communicate this.

 

I believe in giving a person more than once chance but if they blow it then you must take action otherwise your words are as empty as hers.

 

Never ever be afraid to walk away, remember these words.

 

Edit: I just read your response above, it sounds like you are on the right track.

 

 

 

I totally get both responses above. I've been through breakups before and know that by forgiving someone is a bad bad move without consequences.

 

I still feel i've made the right actions here from the guidance i've been given throughout this post. She took the break yeah most likely to go home and have some fun as we hadn't seen each other for about 2 months going on 3 and a bit now. That pretty obvious to me.

 

She sent me messages while at home i ignored all of them for 3 and a half weeks. Then spoke twice over xmas. She tried to call me i told her i was busy and would let her know when i was free. 3 days later i said you can call. She called, she asked lots of questions, I answered and cut the convo short saying I had to go

 

I called her 4 days later where she told me everything about her trip. I then asked what her future plans were and then about us. I told her exactly what i'm doing and she said after 3 months she would come to me. This to me was a second chance. We had a few more laughs and left the call at that and haven't spoken to her since. She's still liking and commenting on my Facebook posts and sending me snap chats while I'm on tinder looking for other girls. If she messages me i'm not responding!

 

I feel I gave her a slight second chance here to have her say and to be honest didn't get enough from her side from it. "I'll come to you in 3 months but I have all these other plans aswell?" haha. Even If she had said i miss you i would have played the hard to get game here. Its the same in business. Someone stuffs you around your not going to hire them again unless they present some really really good reason and chase YOU for the work, even then you should have found someone else to do it.

 

I've done the work, travelled to 5 different cities while running my business and living my life with other friends. If she can find another guy that will do the things i've done for her and yet still maintain an alpha male presence by running a business, going to gym, living a great social life with awesome friends then good luck to her.

 

I do feel like sending her a final message for sign off but not sure its even needed?

 

haha. My ex girlfriend from 2 years ago just messaged me as I wrote this and said she really wants to catch up and find out how everything is going. Weird but this has told me i'm not the one with the problem here if my ex from two years ago is messages me after having another boyfriend in between realises what she lost.

Edited January 8, 2015 by Raddy

[Spectre]

Okay, so you just said she took the break most likely to "go home and have some fun". So, uhh, I interpret that as "she took the break to go bang a bunch of other dudes". Which, uh, what? If you feel that is what she did..why do you want a relationship with this toxic woman? If she was into you she wouldn't be wanting to go home to "have some fun". If her idea of fun is sex with other dudes then she doesn't love you or respect you, you get that right?

 

EDIT: Okay, re-reading it..it sounds like you are rightfully going to drop her, which is good. It's obvious she wants to hook up with other dudes until she gets off this boat.

[TMichaels]

I do feel like sending her a final message for sign off...

 

Why? If you're done, you're done. You don't owe her anything.

 

You've had enough problems trading mixed messages already. Contact her again and it looks like you're uncertain. If the door has closed, don't muddy the waters. Actions always speak louder than words.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Raddy]

Why? If you're done, you're done. You don't owe her anything.

 

You've had enough problems trading mixed messages already. Contact her again and it looks like you're uncertain. If the door has closed, don't muddy the waters. Actions always speak louder than words.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

I guess I'm just one for sign off and feel I wanna show her that I'm not a guy to be stuffed around. I just feel like saying something like...

 

"You're everthing I have ever wanted in a man and I don't want to loose you. Our lives make so much sense together. I want this outrageous story to continue" actions speak louder than words

 

Have a good life and hope you meet someone and others that give you the freedom, care, love, understanding, patients and chance to live the dream.

 

Throw her words back at her to eat and Just so she knows I'm gone and that I'm not here when she wants and she's stuffed up thinking that.

 

You're right it may not be necessary but i jusy don't like thought of her thinking she has options while I've been through suffering. She's probably sitting on a massive ego boost right now and hate the thought of it.

Edited January 9, 2015 by Raddy

[TMichaels]

She's probably sitting on a massive ego boost right now and hate the thought of it.

 

Doubtful, but she will be once she knows how much managed to get to you.

 

Hitch up your big boy britches and get on with your life. Cutting all contact will make it clear that you have.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[justwhoiam]

I just feel like saying something like...

 

"You're everthing I have ever wanted in a man

She's everything you have ever wanted in a man? I am very confused now.

[Raddy]

She's everything you have ever wanted in a man? I am very confused now.

 

That's a message she sent me about a month ago so yes that's why it's taken me time to work out what the hell she's doing.

 

She sent me a message today asking how my week has been. Again not reying and just moving on.

 

I take your point about sending her a final message. Again I'm just goong to move on as I know if I answer any of her messages it's just going to startte hole process again.

 

Cheers peeps

[Spectre]

I will play Devil's Advocate a bit here. People always assume what doesn't work for them will not work for others. I'm not saying having a final message to her should or should not be done.

 

See, people will usually go to the cliche thing of "the best revenge is to simply move on". Which is fine in theory, except not every person views the overall act of vengeance the same. Furthermore, and this is something not every person wants to admit: it's always implied that deep down revenge will never be truly therapeutic. The thing is? That is not the case with everyone. A lot of variables come into play, including not only the type of person you are dealing with, but the type of situation as well.

 

So Raddy, if you want to go through with some final message to her..to really put her in her place and let her know you will not just sit let her emotionally swat you around..I would say do it. If you truly don't want to that is also fine, but I would say that that should only be because you truly do not want to..as opposed to what someone else advised you to do, since what worked for that person might not work for you. Someone said you contacting her again makes you look uncertain, but you need to understand that is false. The mere act of contacting her again will not show her that..it is all about what you say to her.

 

Essentially I'm saying do what you feel is right, and also realize that if you do contact her again the only things that will dictate how you come off will be the words you use..not the mere fact contact has been made again.

[Rko28]

I really feel for you here man.

 

I love this forum dont get me wrong, but its really disheartening to read posts like this.

 

How can people behave like this?

[elaine567]

Moving on involves extricating youself from the situation and that is best done by no contact.

 

Exacting "revenge", tends to keep a person in the thick of it.

Their thought processes end up turning over bitter thoughts and how they can best get back at the person who spurned them.

 

If revenge is by a nasty message, then they need to see how that message affected the person, they cannot leave it be.

What is the point if the message didn't hit home?

In order to find out, that necessitates more contact or contact via friends. The targeted person may retaliate too, then there is a war.

 

All the time, the spurned person cannot move on, they hold onto the bitterness, they hold onto their anger, they feed their resentment.

That is not therapeutic.

Weeks of rage, fuelled by their own lust for revenge.

The irony is that usually the targeted person has moved on by then.

They are often past caring. All their turmoil happened before they made the decision to leave, once they left, it is the end of the chapter for them.

The "revenge" merely confirms that they made the right decision.

They are immune to the rantings of spurned, so all that anger, all that resentment, all that holding on to the past is ultimately a futile waste of time.

[Rko28]

In the past ive wanted revenge after a break up but then I thought, the best revenge is that they wont get to see me again or have the pleasure of my company. Thats the greatest revenge of all.

 

Also - No Contact, this is a methio for you to heal and get over her, its not to be confused as a method for you to get her back.

[Raddy]

I will play Devil's Advocate a bit here. People always assume what doesn't work for them will not work for others. I'm not saying having a final message to her should or should not be done.

 

See, people will usually go to the cliche thing of "the best revenge is to simply move on". Which is fine in theory, except not every person views the overall act of vengeance the same. Furthermore, and this is something not every person wants to admit: it's always implied that deep down revenge will never be truly therapeutic. The thing is? That is not the case with everyone. A lot of variables come into play, including not only the type of person you are dealing with, but the type of situation as well.

 

So Raddy, if you want to go through with some final message to her..to really put her in her place and let her know you will not just sit let her emotionally swat you around..I would say do it. If you truly don't want to that is also fine, but I would say that that should only be because you truly do not want to..as opposed to what someone else advised you to do, since what worked for that person might not work for you. Someone said you contacting her again makes you look uncertain, but you need to understand that is false. The mere act of contacting her again will not show her that..it is all about what you say to her.

 

Essentially I'm saying do what you feel is right, and also realize that if you do contact her again the only things that will dictate how you come off will be the words you use..not the mere fact contact has been made again.

 

 

Ok so here's a kicker for you as I thought a lot about everything said and the comment above and decided that i'd done mostly right given i'm not one of these guys that rings a girl over and over and over and had done the no talking thing for quiet a few weeks. Made her come back to me in my time to ttake a call with her. Yeah may have slipped with a few things said but to me i wasn't too worried.

 

So after all this patients she sent me a message. I ignored it up until today 4 days later till i had fully calmed and thought about what i could say to her that wasn't me feeling remorse. Keeping it short and to the point make it look like I have kinda accepted the situation and moved on.

 

So I call her. We play phone tag for a while until she calls me while she's out at dinner. Remembering its not her time now its my time. So i fire away and this is what i said.

 

 

"I used to like how things were with us - outragous stories and travels across the world with loads of fun and endless amounts of friends that we made.

 

But now its just not working. For me ACTIONS speak loader than words

 

This last month has told me that what I want in life is very clear but what you want is very uncertain.

 

I'm very passionate about something i'm proud to call my own that will give me the freedom to travel and live with peace,love and happiness. (my business)

 

That being said I think its best we see other people.

 

I hope you enjoy whatever you decide to do in life and find someone that will give you the fun, love and happiness you're after."

 

 

She was speechless and i just said i gotta go and hung up as she was trying to begin to say something

 

30 minutes later i received an email where she basically broke down and told me how sorry she was and how much of amazing person i was.

 

I smiled to myself and said "I have Clarity" I can now move on!

 

:-)

 

So what I can take from this whole experience. When a girl asks for a break, get on tinder straight away and start meeting other girls. Not because you want to be with other girls at this stage BUT Why because it gives you confidence that you don't need her in your life. I had 27 matches in a week and this honestly gets you through the periods where you want to call or text her. text another girl instead. Also go out with friends, have fun and exercise. After the 3 or 4 week period if she's texting still hit her up with a message that's shows your kinda over it and short. If she tries to chase you back play the game but if there is nothing there DON'T be afraid to do what i did above. To me know there is more chance than any by telling her exactly how it is and then leaving (go back to tinder) It'll flatten her ego and that's clarity. Not being mean just standing up for yourself. Alpha Male.

 

Its easy to say now and I made mistakes and i guess it all depends on the reason for the break but there's my experience in a nut shell above

Edited January 15, 2015 by Raddy

[Spectre]

Well good, that is how it's done.