Does anyone ever feel like crap when a guy "updates" his profile pic after a date?

[veggirl]

You're very...intense, which can also read as desperate.

 

Maybe you're scaring the guys off.

 

Also..3 hours to pick out an outfit? Lol. You need to chill.

[Andy_K]

If a first date goes well, I'll be setting up the next one the following day. If there's a second date lined up, I probably won't be logging in at all. I know from all the threads here it will be noticed if I do!

 

I'm not going to go closing my account after one date, but if I like someone enough for a second date I'm going to give things a fair chance and see what happens, rather than going back online and arranging more.

[organizedchaos]

Wow. My last date, he checked his account like 4 hours later. I never understood why do what they do. The date went great, we both had a good time. And what bothers me is that some say they even found a relationship from OLD. Wow. I'm not what they want? Sure, some other chick was relationship worthy, but not me?

 

You're either playing with us or you have unrealistic expectations for dating whether meeting them online or off. No one will become exclusive and jump in to a relationship with you after one date. That's not how the dating process works in general. You should know that by now.

[preraph]

You're going to have to learn to be more realistic. You want it to be instant "she's the one" and ride off into the sunset. That's just not real life. In this era of OLD, it's guys seeing how many women they can get at once a lot of the time. They view this as one big fish bowl and see how many they can catch. As we've seen over and over in the media, some guys are never satisfied, even if they have the most beautiful fantastic woman in the world -- they continue to try to bag other women.

 

Instead of saying "I really liked him, we had a wonderful time and want to go out again," now you say "I really liked the date but still don't really know him, but now that he's updated his OLD profile, I know that for him it wasn't love at first sight, so if he asks me out again, I'll go and try to get to know him better, because obviously I thought and hoped he was something he was not."

[Redhead14]

Yes, I do get my hopes up! How can I not? I just have such high expectations. I want to be that "gem."

 

Go into each new dating scenario with hope, not expectations. That comes across when you are dating someone new in subtle ways. It also makes it so you aren't really focusing on the moment and the person you are with.

 

Go on the dates and just plain try to enjoy the evening out. After the date, reflect on it with an open mind and leave it there. If he calls you again, great, if not, fine. Neither of you owes each other anything beyond treating each other with respect while you're out together. After that, you are just two separate people who, hopefully, just had a nice time.

[bachdude]

What do you mean "to look better for me?"

 

Maybe he didn't like his pic. I mean, if you are interested in someone after a date, won't you check their profile again? So maybe he uploaded a photo he liked more.

[Eighty_nine]

Maybe he didn't like his pic. I mean, if you are interested in someone after a date, won't you check their profile again? So maybe he uploaded a photo he liked more.

 

right. maybe he knows you'll look at his profile so he put a better picture there for you to see. i've actually done this exact thing, ha.

[mysteryscape]

The thing that blows my ego is after meeting up with a guy from OLD, and the date goes great, he's got the nerve to update his profile pic. Like what? I wasn't good enough for him and is looking for the next best thing????

 

Having been around quite a while and remembering how it used to be, I get what you're talking about, spanish. OLD promotes superficiality and "candy store shopping," especially but not exclusively among men. It promotes "multi dating" (a term I never heard of before OLD) and serial rapid relationships because that is what is good for their business. The websites promote anxiety (which is expressed in countless threads like this one), again because it is good for business.

 

Example: of course many, if not most people yield to the desire to see what their dating partner is doing online. So you check him out and see that he's online. He may well be just checking you, or he may well be scouting out other people -- hey, if tonight was good, maybe I can find something even better for the weekend! Either way, the result is either relation-damaging anxiety, or an endless search for the next better thing, or both. A lot of it has to do with pure ego -- how many guys can I attract? How many girls (for the much more rejection-prone men, here I sympathize with them).

 

If he puts a new pic up, I'd say odds are great that he's doing it to attract other women, not impress you.

 

You can negotiate more old-fashioned behavior if you want. Talk about expectations early on. If you don't want to be with a multi-dater, say so. He may agree, or he may move on. Either outcome is a win for you.

 

Or, if you don't want a certain level of physical interaction with someone whhttp://www.loveshack.org/forums/images/red/smilies/smile.gifo will go out and do the same with two other women in the same week, don't grant it until you have an understanding of what you each want/expect.

[Redhead14]

If a guy is still keeping his options open, that just means I wasn't good enough. This is worse for women to feel than what men feel. Men can get rejected all the time, they are the chasers. Women just have to sit back and look pretty.

 

No, it doesn't mean you weren't good enough. It means you two just weren't to be. Maybe you were too good, maybe this, maybe that. It doesn't matter. How many dates have you gone on where you didn't "feel" it for them?

 

Yes, women should sit back and look pretty, but they also need to be interesting, focused, fun, flirty (if you attracted that way), they need to contribute to the conversation, they need to be mature.

 

If everyone just went on a date and then they were "coupled", there wouldn't be any dating. Do you really want to go on one date with a man and then you are "committed"?

[mysteryscape]

If you don't like the kind of ethos that emerges in OLD, another possibility is to yield to it. Have multiple dating relationships. Don't take any of them very seriously. These can be at any level of physical involvement you choose. Be careful before you invest much of yourself, don't expect anyone to invest much in you. Especially if you're honest about this from an early stage, it might work, after a fashion. Let 'em know right away that you're seeing other people and not to expect too much from you. This is certainly what the OLD companies are promoting. A whole industry of dating "experts" has arisen to support this. You can find whole books on it.

 

The logical extreme of this may be polyamory. Interestingly, polyamory seems to be getting to be fashionable in certain circles, certainly on the west coast. My guess is the next big push after gay marriage will be legal recognition of polyamorous relationships. I think OLD and the polyamory movement are reinforcing each other, though of course, OLD is a far bigger social trend at present.

[elaine567]

Wow. My last date, he checked his account like 4 hours later. I never understood why do what they do. The date went great, we both had a good time. And what bothers me is that some say they even found a relationship from OLD. Wow. I'm not what they want? Sure, some other chick was relationship worthy, but not me?

 

You have immediately gone into beating yourself up mode.

He maybe felt you were too good for him, he maybe thought you were not interested in him, he may have low self esteem and thought he messed up the date, he maybe hasn't really got over his ex, he maybe is someone who hasn't had many second dates so doesn't expect too much... etc. etc.

So many reasons that have nothing to do with you or your worth.

 

No-one can afford to have one date and remove themselves from OLD and wait and wait and wait - some will be waiting forever.

[mysteryscape]

If everyone just went on a date and then they were "coupled", there wouldn't be any dating. Do you really want to go on one date with a man and then you are "committed"?

 

It's quite possible at some point to focus on one person until you decide that they are not what you want, and then move on to someone new. This can certainly happen after one date or even zero dates, or it may take longer. In this sense, yes, it is a very limited commitment -- focus on one person as long as the relationship is developing positively.

 

In my experience this is how dating used to be except for very casual teen or "friendly" dating. Dating someone -- usually someone you had known for a while -- generally implied some level of somewhat serious interest.

 

From what I can tell, this kind of pattern of courtship -- to use a very quaint expression -- has predominated in most civilizations. What is perhaps becoming the norm in the U.S. is definitely not in most of the world.

 

Such expectations led, on the whole, to lower levels of anxiety and superficiality, though they had their own downsides too.

 

If the "new way" of the U.S. and cosmopolitan centers elsewhere were working well I might think better of it. But I see scant evidence that it is working well at all.

[mysteryscape]

What kind of effort do I have to make? I take 3 hours picking out an outfit, getting my hair and nails done and an additional 30 minutes putting on makeup.

 

Gee, sounds like you are putting much more into this than it's worth! A guy is probably not going to like you for all this effort -- it's intangibles over which you have no control that are going to make or break it.

 

Is it really 2 weeks since you saw this guy? He hasn't contacted you? My guess is he just isn't interested. You could contact him yourself -- I personally am much less averse to women making a move than are a lot of people of both sexes -- but I wouldn't get my hopes up too high.

[Ruby Slippers]

I had a first OLD date a while back with a guy I was somewhat interested in, but I didn't hear from him after the date, so he obviously wasn't. My ego felt a pang for about 15 minutes once it sunk in that he wasn't interested. This is the first time this has ever happened to me, so it was a bit strange! But then it was over, and I felt glad to know NOW that he's not into me, so I don't waste any time with him.

 

I've obviously come a long way, because I didn't take it personally or feel bad about myself just because some guy doesn't like me. It's not a match, and that's fine.

[Survivor12]

What kind of effort do I have to make? I take 3 hours picking out an outfit, getting my hair and nails done and an additional 30 minutes putting on makeup.

 

The fact that you have to ask confirms my assertion.

[losangelena]

OP, from reading this and several of your other threads, if I were you, I'd take all of my expectation of dating and bring them down about 10 notches.

 

You don't know why he logged in again. Maybe he had a message waiting. Maybe he wanted to look at your profile again. When I was doing online dating, I tinkered with my profile all the time. I didn't really think about how the men I were going out with perceived this. I owed nothing to a man I went out with once or twice, and would have felt strange if they weren't keeping their options open at that point as well.

[Mrin]

Since you checked out his profile after the date, and many others do the same, how do you know he wasn't doing it to look better for you?

 

No, this makes sense and I've actually done it now that I think about it. I've gone out with a lady, had a good date and revisited/freshened up my profile in the off chance she is showing it to her friends et al.

[melodicintention]

Someone has some self esteem issues they need to iron out before they get involved in the dating scene. Sorry, just sayin. Don't date if you are going to get your panties in a twist when you STALK their dating profile.

[D.Mc.]

Hi Spanishchick00,

 

 

I don't know about updating the picture, but I did update my profile specifications after one OLD meet up, based on the guy I met (his physical AND personality traits IRL were not even hinted at in his profile, our emails & phone convos). It was a lesson learned for me, so I put in & took out various information in order to try to avoid having the situation happen again. Perhaps you should do the same in order to narrow down exactly what you want from a prospective OLDater.

 

 

Besides, I don't know how long you've been doing OLD but you should always have an updated picture/profile anyway. If you're socially active you may be putting up a different pic. every 2 weeks LOL!

 

 

Finally, someone else mentioned this: OLD is hardly ever the old fashioned date such as dinner & a movie. The first meeting is just that, a meeting. As a woman you need to look "daytime" attractive, but not like you're going to a party or a wedding (unless that's where you are going LOL!), first meetings should be waaaaay more casual & with a time limit: that's why everyone does Starbucks on a weekend morning or afternoon. I consider the actual date as the 2nd time we meet, no matter who initiated the call & the arrangements. Good luck with it anyway.

[spanishchick00]

Well, from now on, I'm going to be a "multi-dater." No expectations on the first date, no day-dreaming, no being on cloud-nine. Just go on a first meeting-live in the moment, try to have a good time. Heck, I'm going to do what guys do, after a first meeting-check my OLD profile, and update my profile pic. I'm going to have a mindset of a guy. I will not allow my ego to be shot down anymore.

[mysteryscape]

Well, from now on, I'm going to be a "multi-dater." No expectations on the first date, no day-dreaming, no being on cloud-nine. Just go on a first meeting-live in the moment, try to have a good time. Heck, I'm going to do what guys do, after a first meeting-check my OLD profile, and update my profile pic. I'm going to have a mindset of a guy. I will not allow my ego to be shot down anymore.

 

Ah, spanish, you are joining what you obviously hate. Good luck but I don't think it will work for you. A lot of women seem to be doing the same thing. It would be better to figure out how to use OLD to get what YOU want out of it. I don't claim to know how, but I think that is what you need to do. I am a MAN (older from an older time) who tends to agree with you.

[Leigh 87]

Honestly though, most women are not attractive enough to compel a man on a first date to stop looking.

 

Most guys had to grow to feel very attracted and excited about the prospect of dating you.

 

Unless you are quiet striking and beautiful, yeah, guys from online aren't going to stop looking instantly - they will have to actually get to know you before they feel you out and see whether or not feelings develop.

[TigerLilly78]

Wow. My last date, he checked his account like 4 hours later. I never understood why do what they do. The date went great, we both had a good time. And what bothers me is that some say they even found a relationship from OLD. Wow. I'm not what they want? Sure, some other chick was relationship worthy, but not me?

 

 

Multi dating is very popular now a days and yes you are only one of many and while im not a huge fan of it I have to say that after only one date I think you have unrealistic expectations its not that your not good enough its that your not exactley what hes looking for im sorry time to move on..

[organizedchaos]

Honestly though, most women are not attractive enough to compel a man on a first date to stop looking.

 

Most guys had to grow to feel very attracted and excited about the prospect of dating you.

 

Unless you are quiet striking and beautiful, yeah, guys from online aren't going to stop looking instantly - they will have to actually get to know you before they feel you out and see whether or not feelings develop.

 

No, doesn't matter if you met them online or offline. 9.9/10 times no guy is going to stop looking after one date. It makes no sense. We all need more time to get to know you before real feelings develop.