Struggling inside with marriage

[contact1]

Okay, so earlier today I was talking to my wife about what had occurred with our son (he had climbed the xmas tree when I was taking his lunch plate to the sink to be cleaned really quick, almost had the whole thing fall on him), essentially just trying to vent a bit how stressful and basically scary it was that he had done that. Well she just chuckled about it (the stressful part) and said "what else is new", again another cold response.

 

Well... I took this as an opportunity to open up a bit more on the subject (oh boy). I started telling her that when she makes light about something I am expressing it comes out hurtful and I'm looking for some support here, not to be laughed it. Well this just set her off, she got extremely defensive and started going off. Honestly from that point I can't remember what all was said but I know the counseling was brought up and me saying we both need to go and her screaming she doesn't need to go to counseling, that it is me who has the problem and needs to get it fixed. It was just a disaster and I removed myself from the room to go take a walk. We haven't spoken since and it just sucks right now, to put it plainly.

 

I know that the two of us have to go to counseling, going by myself isn't going to resolve what I am going through, but right now she seems very stuck on not going, that it is all on me. I'm not sure how to approach this, because I know she is very sensitive to any type of criticism and puts her guard up instantly. I would hate to have to give her an ultimatum of either she goes to MC with me or the marriage is going to collapse, but I'm not sure what else to say on this. Regardless of whether she does or does not go, I will be going soon to see someone, I have no plans to leave before trying whatever I can to resolve this. It just hurts that she is so unwilling to go at this time /sigh.

[Els]

 

I know that the two of us have to go to counseling, going by myself isn't going to resolve what I am going through, but right now she seems very stuck on not going, that it is all on me. I'm not sure how to approach this, because I know she is very sensitive to any type of criticism and puts her guard up instantly. I would hate to have to give her an ultimatum of either she goes to MC with me or the marriage is going to collapse, but I'm not sure what else to say on this. Regardless of whether she does or does not go, I will be going soon to see someone, I have no plans to leave before trying whatever I can to resolve this. It just hurts that she is so unwilling to go at this time /sigh.

 

Why does she think MC will be all about the counselor criticizing her? From what I've heard, that shouldn't be what a good counselor does at all - he/she should be facilitating communication between the two of you instead.

 

I do agree that you should go for individual counseling anyway, regardless of whether or not she agrees to MC. If and when she agrees to MC it could be done on top of that.

[contact1]

Why does she think MC will be all about the counselor criticizing her? From what I've heard, that shouldn't be what a good counselor does at all - he/she should be facilitating communication between the two of you instead.

 

I do agree that you should go for individual counseling anyway, regardless of whether or not she agrees to MC. If and when she agrees to MC it could be done on top of that.

 

I actually meant criticism from myself more so, like when I had brought up how she responded with a laugh. If I try to bring up MC again, she would perceive it as me criticizing her, in that "she needs help" with the issues occurring right now, when right now she believes the issues happening are all on me and that I somehow have to get fixed.

 

I completely agree that by the two us going, it would open up the ability to be able to discuss the martial issues more freely between the two of us, in where we can find a resolution to them. Regardless though, as you said, I will be doing individual counseling, as the other issues I am having right now are something I do have to discuss, but can't do so with her, at least not at this time I feel.

[Snaggletooth]

I know little niggles can easily turn into big niggles in a marriage but regardless of what has gone before, today, just before Christmas, you took a small and normal event that comes with having a young boy and escalated it beyond proportion into a big argument with requests for counselling. If I were you, and if you have not already done so, I would go buy your wife some flowers and apologise for today. The rest can wait until after the holidays.

 

You're both young and everyone has some maturing to do when young. Experiences are new and you're both still learning. Step back, be patient, be the one to calm things down. You're husband and dad, you've got three to think about, care for, provide for and protect. Part of that is being their source of strength and rock to lean on, you are the foundations of your family, the anvil that will forge and shape your son, that will often mean not putting yourself onto them, or at least waiting for the right time to do so.

Edited December 24, 2014 by Snaggletooth

[hoping2heal]

That comment about not being ready for children was a doozy. I winced for you at my end, I am still wincing for you.

 

It sounds like the problem is you don't have a partner. It is strange to me that she thinks it is on you to fix the problems in the marriage. This really just is a culmination of what you have been saying from go: no support and its dragging you down.

 

So, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt here and say that she is probably pretty absorbed in the stress also and trying to balance behavior issues with son and trying to work. It's possible she is so wrapped up in her own stress bubble that she just cannot see yours.

[contact1]

That comment about not being ready for children was a doozy. I winced for you at my end, I am still wincing for you.

 

Yea that one really hurt, it was like having my gut punched really hard or stabbed to make such a comment.

 

It sounds like the problem is you don't have a partner. It is strange to me that she thinks it is on you to fix the problems in the marriage. This really just is a culmination of what you have been saying from go: no support and its dragging you down.

 

As more time passes I am starting to realize this more and more and it is setting down on me. I start to think of other things that makes us more like roommates than a married couple. For example we still have separate bank accounts, different cell phone providers, insurance, so forth. I remember before bringing up the idea of merging things together but she had been very against it. Even at one point, when we had utility bills put together, she got upset that one was showing under my name and not hers, and here I'm all baffled like "does that really matter? we are married here, both paying the bills", this was a few years back.

 

So, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt here and say that she is probably pretty absorbed in the stress also and trying to balance behavior issues with son and trying to work. It's possible she is so wrapped up in her own stress bubble that she just cannot see yours.

 

Yes I believe that may be it and what may be the underlining issue. However just about everyday she has something that is stressing her, annoying, bothersome, whatever it may be, just about everyday she is complaining about sometime. I do my best to listen, but when it is everyday constantly, and going on about it for 30 minutes plus, well there is only so much I can take. And when she is in these moods, it doesn't matter what I say, it gets ignored and her attention is just on herself.

 

We have actually had marriage counseling before several years ago on this matter and some other issues, at first she tried to reduce the amount of time she spent venting, the counselor suggested trying to be more direct and to the point, but that faded within a month. There are so many other things I don't even want to get into, such as the dynamics between her and my parent, her parents and me, and so forth. However back than, I didn't have this emotional drainage I do now.

 

I am set to meet with an IC in about two weeks, she still refuses to go to counseling. The only saving grace I have had lately is learning mediation techniques, it helps calm my mind but at the same time, it is opening my eye even more to the little jabs she makes at me, and I don't even think she realizes she is making them, even when I point them out. We'll see how things go, but the way they are heading now, it is very likely to be the ending of the marriage.

[contact1]

My IC got bumped up sooner and at the same time, me being able to calm my mind a lot more has opened my eyes to what is really going on. I married a narcissistic person. It is so clear to me now and the signs had always been there, even before we were married, but I chose to ignore them or turn a blind eye to them. The constant negativity, the endless complaining, irrational thinking, consistent need to argue just to be right, and continual power bouts of always having to be in charge or ahead, it is just amazing.

 

When I look up the definition of narcissism, it describes my wife exactly to the very letter. Can't take any kind of critique or suggestion, constantly worrying how others perceive her, and complete lack of empathy for her husband. I'm done, I'm through with the marriage. In the end, she still refused to go counseling with me, even when I said that if we don't work through this together, it could break our marriage. She didn't care, "it's your problem".

 

I'm done being this woman's punching bag. My focus now is preparing myself to go forward with a divorce, with the best interest of my child. This means having to bear through the marriage for another 5~6 months to finish my schooling, having a job lined up, and than I can proceed forward to leave and being able to show that I can help support my child and care for them.

 

So congratulations to my STBXW, you win. It is my problem, and I will be rid of you within the year and be free of you. And though I will have to still interact with you for the sake of our child, I will do so in my terms and not yours.