Why do we spend so much time thinking about those who hardly think of us in return?

[Halcyon]

You only spend more time than is needed if you refuse to let go of the candle. Accept this chapter of your life is over and that a new one is beginning. If you keep telling yourself you need them then it will haunt you until you get tired of feeling that way. The choice is entirely yours to make.

[Danda]

I think it's because dumpees tend to assume that being dumped is like an accusation, like, "You weren't good enough," or "You did something wrong to deserve this pain."

 

When really only extreme circumstances like if they cheated or stole money or were a raging alcoholic or something, are the dumpees at fault for the breakup.

 

Then you have the cases where the dumper did some super douche thing and it makes the dumpee move into the anger phase of grieving faster, which helps a bit in its own warped way.

 

In the vast majority of cases it just wasn't meant to be, and the dumper was simply the more assertive one in the pairing, so they called it.

 

However I think most dumpees still associate being dumped with an accusation of wrong-doing or take it as a punishment or judgement. Sometimes it's because the dumper was an asshat and gave a bunch of BS excuses for leaving instead of just being mature about it and saying it wasn't working / meant to be / whatever.

 

But bottom line is that even though you were the dumpee, it's not a punishment or a judgement. It's not a reflection of your value as a lover. It just didn't pan out that you were the one to call it. It eventually would have gotten pretty bad, so at least that didn't have to happen, like it didn't have to get to that super miserable low for you to be the one call it, since you were probably the more passive of the two of you.

 

My advice is to stop questioning yourself deep down.

[Ieris]

I guess many of us had a vision of what our life would be like with them down the line and it didn't play out that way. Having to change those visions without that person can be difficult, especially if you're reluctant to let go. What I say is envision something even bigger and better. When plan A doesn't work out, start looking at plan B, plan C. You can sit there dwelling on plan A but it won't change a thing. The longer you sit there, the more time you waste and the more you suffer. So believe it or not, in some way you are choosing to suffer as you are not choosing to let go.

 

Letting go isn't really that difficult if that is what you truly want. Some might say your emotions control your thoughts but your thoughts can also control your emotions. Emotions are unstable and hard to grasp but thoughts are something you have more control over so if you feed yourself enough positive thoughts it will eventually cancel out the negative emotions.

 

I know some people stay busy just to keep their minds off things but isn't that like sweeping the issue under the carpet and not dealing with it? At some point we really need to have a conversation with ourselves and realize why letting go was the right thing to do. Start looking at the bigger picture, stop flipping back to page 24 reading it over and over again because you still have plenty of pages ahead for you to fill.

 

I hope you feel better soon JimmyJackson x

[skydiveaddict]

Why do we spend so much time thinking about those who hardly think of us in return?

 

It's just part of the human condition I guess. The one we want most is the one we can't have.

 

Those wounds are not easily healed. I'm thinking in some respects, for some of us anyway, they never do heal completely.

[Jimmyjackson]

Great answers by everyone, it is really strange how fast the time goes isn't it. Logically I want to move on but a part of me is still hoping she'll come back because I'm still in love with her I think. Or maybe it's because I want what I can't have who knows.

 

I want to meet someone else, I think if I were to meet somebody else I would realise that there are so many unique people out there, I want that feeling again when you meet someone and it just clicks and everything is great.

 

It's almost as if someone casts a spell on us and then just disappears leaving us confused and stuck...

[jbear0111]

it's a question i've been ruminating,analysing,thinking and,questioning these past 3 months since the bu and i am still no nearer coming to a conclusion and doubt I ever will.

 

I loved and love her with all my heart and these past 2 weeks have probably been the most painful because I am realising that however badly I want her back,however baldly I miss her,however badly I idealize the life we had planned together....................it aint gonna happen,and that hurts me.

 

As other posters have said,there has to come a time when you accept that and move on with your life without that romanticised,idealized,pedastalled vision you thought was going to be for life.

 

I too want what I cant have but is it the idea I want or the person?

For me,I have to now say its the idea,because that person isn't coming back however much I want her

[Light Breeze]

Well, what's helping me slowly getting out of this phase are:

 

1. Acceptance of the fact that she'll never return and its done and over.

 

2. Forgiving myself and realizing that in a relationship there are two persons involved. It is not all your fault.

 

When I accepted these facts my healing rate became much faster. Frankly now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I dont think anymore of what might have been.

[Jimmyjackson]

I think it's because dumpees tend to assume that being dumped is like an accusation, like, "You weren't good enough," or "You did something wrong to deserve this pain."

 

When really only extreme circumstances like if they cheated or stole money or were a raging alcoholic or something, are the dumpees at fault for the breakup.

 

Then you have the cases where the dumper did some super douche thing and it makes the dumpee move into the anger phase of grieving faster, which helps a bit in its own warped way.

 

In the vast majority of cases it just wasn't meant to be, and the dumper was simply the more assertive one in the pairing, so they called it.

 

However I think most dumpees still associate being dumped with an accusation of wrong-doing or take it as a punishment or judgement. Sometimes it's because the dumper was an asshat and gave a bunch of BS excuses for leaving instead of just being mature about it and saying it wasn't working / meant to be / whatever.

 

But bottom line is that even though you were the dumpee, it's not a punishment or a judgement. It's not a reflection of your value as a lover. It just didn't pan out that you were the one to call it. It eventually would have gotten pretty bad, so at least that didn't have to happen, like it didn't have to get to that super miserable low for you to be the one call it, since you were probably the more passive of the two of you.

 

My advice is to stop questioning yourself deep down.

 

Yeah, I don't feel that I'm not good enough or anything, after she broke up with me she texted me telling me I was beautiful, kind etc and to be honest I know I am all of those things. I accept that I got a little clingy though towards the end so that probably contributed to it a little.

[Jimmyjackson]

I guess many of us had a vision of what our life would be like with them down the line and it didn't play out that way. Having to change those visions without that person can be difficult, especially if you're reluctant to let go. What I say is envision something even bigger and better. When plan A doesn't work out, start looking at plan B, plan C. You can sit there dwelling on plan A but it won't change a thing. The longer you sit there, the more time you waste and the more you suffer. So believe it or not, in some way you are choosing to suffer as you are not choosing to let go.

 

Letting go isn't really that difficult if that is what you truly want. Some might say your emotions control your thoughts but your thoughts can also control your emotions. Emotions are unstable and hard to grasp but thoughts are something you have more control over so if you feed yourself enough positive thoughts it will eventually cancel out the negative emotions.

 

I know some people stay busy just to keep their minds off things but isn't that like sweeping the issue under the carpet and not dealing with it? At some point we really need to have a conversation with ourselves and realize why letting go was the right thing to do. Start looking at the bigger picture, stop flipping back to page 24 reading it over and over again because you still have plenty of pages ahead for you to fill.

 

I hope you feel better soon JimmyJackson x

 

Thank you, I do feel a lot better now than I did say 2 months ago. I haven't spoken to her for a while now and she is slowly but surely fading. I guess it's just a power thing, she seems to be living this happy life and it's as if we never happened and she moved on so quickly. I on the other hand seem to be dwelling on the past and standing still. I need to convince myself that it's not plan A or bust...that others are out there...

[flightplan]

"they're probably having fun, dating, traveling etc"... I think this tends to be over exaggerated. They're not having a party all of sudden because you're no longer in the picture. They still have the same problems they had before. Even if they jumped into a new relationship, I guarantee you, it's not all a bed of roses. They don't have these super powers to avoid the harsh realities of life anymore than you do... if you think they're living this wonderful life without you, then you still have them on a pedestal.

[Jimmyjackson]

"they're probably having fun, dating, traveling etc"... I think this tends to be over exaggerated. They're not having a party all of sudden because you're no longer in the picture. They still have the same problems they had before. Even if they jumped into a new relationship, I guarantee you, it's not all a bed of roses. They don't have these super powers to avoid the harsh realities of life anymore than you do... if you think they're living this wonderful life without you, then you still have them on a pedestal.

 

I still have her on Facebook and she has been traveling recently so I know that for sure. She is also at university so I imagine she keeps really busy, going out with friends etc. I've been at university so I know what it's like, you're always surrounded by people; you rarely get bored.

[Halcyon]

I still have her on Facebook and she has been traveling recently so I know that for sure. She is also at university so I imagine she keeps really busy, going out with friends etc. I've been at university so I know what it's like, you're always surrounded by people; you rarely get bored.

 

Facebook is smoke and mirrors people only put up stuff to go "Look how awesome my life is!" she is still human. I went traveling after my last large breakup and I was pretty lonely to be honest it was a good experience but it certainly wasn't party hard time.

 

You are just assuming everything in her life is going great you don't know the reality of it though, so there is no point speculating on that. You are you and not her you will not know what she is going through or experiencing. I went to university as well and it ****ing sucked at times too, especially if you are dealing with heartbreak.

[Jimmyjackson]

Facebook is smoke and mirrors people only put up stuff to go "Look how awesome my life is!" she is still human. I went traveling after my last large breakup and I was pretty lonely to be honest it was a good experience but it certainly wasn't party hard time.

 

You are just assuming everything in her life is going great you don't know the reality of it though, so there is no point speculating on that. You are you and not her you will not know what she is going through or experiencing. I went to university as well and it ****ing sucked at times too, especially if you are dealing with heartbreak.

 

I wish I was at university still though, I know I would've had a larger support group dealing with the break up and other girls are more available to take your mind off it. Being back at home and having your mother work nights means you have a lot of alone time which doesn't help.

[Halcyon]

I wish I was at university still though, I know I would've had a larger support group dealing with the break up and other girls are more available to take your mind off it. Being back at home and having your mother work nights means you have a lot of alone time which doesn't help.

 

Your time is what you make of it, I got dumped less than a week ago. I've been filling my time with things I enjoy. I live by myself, so I have a lot of time to think.

 

Writing helps hence why I'm here to a large degree how you frame things can very much influence how you feel. If you are constantly thinking she is off having the time of her life you actually believe that. When in reality it's more than likely quite mundane and boring.

 

You need to learn to be comfortable in your own skin. Sure other people are useful distractions for a while but you need to work through the feelings you have and get past them. Learn what you can, be thankful for the time you had together but accept that is over. Be excited for what the future will bring. You're a free man now and that means you can do whatever the **** you want.

[carhill]

Why do we spend so much time thinking about those who hardly think of us in return?

 

Generally due to an anomalous personality style which focuses outward rather than focusing on the id.

 

When I was younger, I described the 'norm' as anyone who remembered my name when they wanted something.

 

Now I simply note it as 'normal' without any description.

 

If you encounter a person who actually thinks about you often and acts on those thoughts, that's pretty cool, while they do anyway. Like everything else in life, change in this area is constant. That's how it goes.

[Jimmyjackson]

She is now dating someone else, 3 and a half months post break up. Feels like the final nail in the coffin, hope of her coming back is gone. Feels 100% over all of a sudden

[JollyDays]

She is now dating someone else, 3 and a half months post break up. Feels like the final nail in the coffin, hope of her coming back is gone. Feels 100% over all of a sudden

 

Don't sweat it Jimmy, life gets better. It took me 10 years, YES, TEN YEARS to accept the past. I screwed up potential relationships, felt feelings of anger, sadness, and bitterness, but eventually I accepted that she was gone, that I had placed her on a pedestal, and that I deserved happiness as well. Besides, there's billions of women out there man. Why sweat one? Go out there and find your soulmate.

[Ieris]

She is now dating someone else, 3 and a half months post break up. Feels like the final nail in the coffin, hope of her coming back is gone. Feels 100% over all of a sudden

 

I know some people do NC with the hope of someone coming back but they are just setting themselves up for disappointment and prolonging their pain.

 

I know it's hard to move on but if its meant to be she'll come running back to you somewhere down the line, don't stay there waiting because it may not happen.

 

Just accept that the relationship is dead and it went that way for a reason. If you do get back together in the future then it will be a " new" relationship with a stronger and better YOU. So in the meantime do some self reflecting and improve yourself. If not for your ex, then for the next girl who comes into your life but most importantly do it for yourself.

 

At this time, refocus all the love you had for your ex to yourself because if you don't love yourself, who will? x

[Jimmyjackson]

Your time is what you make of it, I got dumped less than a week ago. I've been filling my time with things I enjoy. I live by myself, so I have a lot of time to think.

 

Writing helps hence why I'm here to a large degree how you frame things can very much influence how you feel. If you are constantly thinking she is off having the time of her life you actually believe that. When in reality it's more than likely quite mundane and boring.

 

You need to learn to be comfortable in your own skin. Sure other people are useful distractions for a while but you need to work through the feelings you have and get past them. Learn what you can, be thankful for the time you had together but accept that is over. Be excited for what the future will bring. You're a free man now and that means you can do whatever the **** you want.

 

I've been single ever since, the last 3 and half months I've not slept with anyone or anything..kissed one girl that is it so I think I've spent plenty of time in my own skin. I go through phases of being excited and then pessimistic again

[Jimmyjackson]

I know some people do NC with the hope of someone coming back but they are just setting themselves up for disappointment and prolonging their pain.

 

I know it's hard to move on but if its meant to be she'll come running back to you somewhere down the line, don't stay there waiting because it may not happen.

 

Just accept that the relationship is dead and it went that way for a reason. If you do get back together in the future then it will be a " new" relationship with a stronger and better YOU. So in the meantime do some self reflecting and improve yourself. If not for your ex, then for the next girl who comes into your life but most importantly do it for yourself.

 

At this time, refocus all the love you had for your ex to yourself because if you don't love yourself, who will? x

 

Yeah I agree, to be honest I'd like her back but I don't think she would ever come back... she's never went back to people she's dumped in the past so why would I be any different? she's 19 so obviously needs to live life before she settles down and stuff.

[carhill]

Three months is a good start.

 

When someone is dumped, the door is slammed shut in their face, often leaving unfinished business. Hence the thoughts trying to resolve that business without the person whom the business concerns being present and engaged to resolve it.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I think it's infinitely more difficult to recover from any kind of break up when there hasn't been any real closure for the dumpee.

 

I know that isn't always possible but it's not often that dumpees are THAT clueless of the troubles in their relationships that they can't see something coming, including infidelity.

 

Getting over a breakup particularly when you aren't the one that initiated it is brutal no matter how your slice it BUT you need to take some responsibility in how hard you're making things for yourself as well. You're your own worst enemy here. Keeping her as a friend on Facebook is a perfect example of what I'm talking about.

 

It's normal to pine for someone you envisioned a life with for however long or short. Keeping busy is one way to stretch out the time and lends itself as a good distraction but it's not the only solution to the bigger issues - dealing with your emotions.

 

It's okay to grieve and feel like sh*t. If you're human and had any kind of feelings for her, you should feel sad and depressed and even a little hopeless. The difference between remaining in that space and moving on is learning how to make peace with it.

 

Realizing that things and people come and go in our lives for a REASON is HUGE and the sooner you adopt this mentality the easier you will bounce back from heartache. She may have been "perfect" for you for that moment but ultimately she was just a stepping stone to a better relationship to come in the future.

 

You need to continue to look closely at that relationship and find the take-aways from it. Everyone as something to learn from their relationships even if it's learning more about themselves. THAT is the only way you can move on and grow as a person and ultimately become a better version of yourself.

 

When you begin to see things this way, it becomes very liberating and empowering.

 

Good luck.

Edited December 18, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle

[Kevin_D]

It seems that some people here don't understand the concept of love. If you talk to someone every day for 10 years and the person suddenly splits you black and disappears from your life, the pain has very little to do with rejection. It's basically the same feeling as when a close family member dies.

 

Your body is used to being with the other person, that getting over someone after such a long time is like trying to get clean from heroin. It's a chemical reaction in the body. It has nothing to do with how much you "love yourself".

 

If the feeling of rejection is biggest issue, you clearly didn't care about the person very deeply.

[Jimmyjackson]

It seems that some people here don't understand the concept of love. If you talk to someone every day for 10 years and the person suddenly splits you black and disappears from your life, the pain has very little to do with rejection. It's basically the same feeling as when a close family member dies.

 

Your body is used to being with the other person, that getting over someone after such a long time is like trying to get clean from heroin. It's a chemical reaction in the body. It has nothing to do with how much you "love yourself".

 

If the feeling of rejection is biggest issue, you clearly didn't care about the person very deeply.

 

I think it's more to do with the person rejecting you is not who you thought would do that.

[Jimmyjackson]

I saw my ex for the first time tonight in about 3/4 months. I was smoking and she asked me for one, I gave her one and she took it. She was so indifferent with me, turned around and went on her phone, didn't say a word to me afterwards.

 

How is she so indifferent? it's been 2 months no contact and I still pine for her, but these actions show she doesn't care...right?

 

It seems I have been banking on her changing her mind, after this I have realised she doesn't care.

 

It felt so strange giving her a cigarette like she was a stranger.

 

I miss her and the person she is, and I hate myself for it.