Author Bonnie27 Posted December 16, 2014 Author Share Posted December 16, 2014 Because that was over a year ago, I'm trying to forgive and move on Link to post Share on other sites
velvette Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 Because that was over a year ago, I'm trying to forgive and move on I'm confused. If you know he cheated then what does it matter that someone else is telling you the same thing. What exactly is your concern? Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 Because that was over a year ago, I'm trying to forgive and move on Forgiving is one thing. Yet, reading your posts it doesn't seem like you or he have truly had a gut wrenching, truthful talk about (his cheating)the situation. You seem so desperate to marry, that you're willing to believe anything to that end. I mean, I really wish you luck, but your man is a cheater and a liar. I think you get that though. I'd predict you to have more problems in the future. Him lying, your denying. But, it's your life, and you likely feel bound to give it a go. Please, no more kids, and no more blind faith. I feel you're going to be disappointed in the future. What will you say NO to? What is a deal breaker for you? How much more does he have to do to make you truly believe in his (lack of) character? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 I do believe the person who sent you the letter is trying to help you (just as everyone here has). But you insist on completely overlooking his bad behavior and believe what you wish to believe. You have had so much evidence but it never sinks in. The denial you are capable of is huge...I've never seen anything like this magnitude. I'm really concerned about you living in reality. Your BF cheated BIG time (enough to have his company sued) and he's openly stated he loves the OW yet your solution is to marry him? No amount of love is worth betraying yourself this way. I'm really concerned how you can think this is good for you...? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 I do believe the person who sent you the letter is trying to help you (just as everyone here has). But you insist on completely overlooking his bad behavior and believe what you wish to believe. You have had so much evidence but it never sinks in. The denial you are capable of is huge...I've never seen anything like this magnitude. I'm really concerned about you living in reality. Your BF cheated BIG time (enough to have his company sued) and he's openly stated he loves the OW yet your solution is to marry him? No amount of love is worth betraying yourself this way. I'm really concerned how you can think this is good for you...? I'm glad you clarified that for me because I lost the plot... YES !!!It's DENIAL. Poppy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 Survivor, I don't know why she'dfeel vindictive now after this long.The investigator told my partner that she said she didn't want to ruin his life, just what was fair... Why now, you ask? Because you just got asked to be married. Now is the obvious and completely appropriate time. It makes total sense - this is exactly the time you would want to have all the complete information available so you can make an informed decision. You assume the writer's motives are "vindictive" because you don't like what you are hearing, but objectively, from the outside, I can't rule out that the writer's motives are acting in your best interest. But I'm afraid that your pattern, as demonstrated so far, will be to look for any small, detailed reasons that you can discount the letter, based on imagined motives, therefore allowing you to ignore this information. If it is her, could I get the police to give her a warning or do anything? On what basis do you imagine the police would act? They are responsible for enforcing laws. Is there a law that the writer of that letter has broken, or is near to breaking, that would possibly warrant police involvement? Telling the truth is not against the law, just because it makes you feel bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonnie27 Posted December 17, 2014 Author Share Posted December 17, 2014 Someone told me that if you receive a letter or whatever that has malicious intent or you've told the person to stay away before, like we have, the police would speak to them to ensure they stay away now? I just don't know why anyone but her would send this Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 Someone told me that if you receive a letter or whatever that has malicious intent or you've told the person to stay away before, like we have, the police would speak to them to ensure they stay away now? I just don't know why anyone but her would send this Yes - you do know why anyone at his company would send it. I doubt you can prove she sent it. I doubt she WOULD send it. I just think someone is trying to help you. I'm certain anyone he works with would hope you see a big error in marrying him and warn you. Don't pretend you don't think others wouldn't try and help you see what a douchebag he's been. Just because someone asks you to marry him doesn't mean the answer needs to be yes. In this case it should be absolutely NOT! But you are afraid to be alone... And I'm sad for you that you even consider marrying him. People are warning you because it looks like you may be making a huge mistake. Do you work? Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 Bonnie. It has taken someone a great deal of courage to try and save you from making an enormous mistake. People don't write letters like that every day. There is clearly a long history here. Ask yourself this. Do you want your children to grow up thinking that this sort of behaviour is OK? Or do you want them to grow up and healthy supportive relationships? You are leading by example here. Personally my take is that this proposal is a "sticking plaster" and a really bad thing to do. Your life - your choice. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 I can't understand why you are "happy" her proposed. Can you consider telling him NO? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonnie27 Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 Because it's all I've wanted since we've been together. I want to say yes I could sort of understand her sending the letter but anyone else pointing out that I 'should feel humiliated' walking into the place and that kind of comment I don't understand. People are really nice when I go in Link to post Share on other sites
Lovemesomehim Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 If you have any doubts about this man, do not marry him. Take the letter you received as a form of information and the first step in finding out the truth. If you truly had faith in his ability to be faithful to you, then there would be no need in you addressing this issue on this forum. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 Because it's all I've wanted since we've been together. I want to say yes I could sort of understand her sending the letter but anyone else pointing out that I 'should feel humiliated' walking into the place and that kind of comment I don't understand. People are really nice when I go in Hi Bonnie- They said "humiliated" because everyone KNOWS. They were all witness to his bad behavior. They all know that he has cheated on you and suspect that he does not love you. They are super nice to you because they feel really sorry for you, as do we. I am sure they are shaking their heads wondering why you would agree to marry him. Why you are even still with him. They feel bad for you Bonnie. He did publicly humiliate you. This is your choice, no one can make it for you. If you stay with him and if you marry him, you have to know that you are saying yes to a lifetime of lies. You do understand that don't you? A ring and marriage certificate will not change who he is. He will not treat you better because you are married. Likely your problems will get worse. Can you live with that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 Can you marry him knowing your #2 to him? Can you marry him knowing full well he is in love with that OW? For some reason I guess you will answer yes... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonnie27 Posted December 19, 2014 Author Share Posted December 19, 2014 Do you think I'm stupid believing he may have loved her a year ago but not anymore? Why would you think after everything he still loves her after everything thats happened (genuinely asking)? My friend said why would the woman write me a handwritten note...but if it wasn't her wouldn't someone who saw them say something bad about her too as she was involved with someone taken? Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 Bonnie At the moment you are trying to blame everyone else and make their behaviour "unreasonable". The truth is that your partner is a dick, he is not a great wonderful person. It is that simple. Now you may be happy to spend your life constantly getting notes like this and having him shag around behind your back but the least you can do is quit being in denial about it all. All I can see in your future is "oh he is having an affair again, oh and another, oh my husband gave me a std but thats ok because he has it too and he has such dreamy eyes, oh I have found out about 6 secret kids he is paying maintenance for but thats OK because the other women are just so terrible to sleep with him and he is not responsible for his dicks actions... Please... save it. If you are not prepared to do something with your life other than be a doormat then leave space for people who really do want to try and sort their mess out to get the advice on offer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 Do you think I'm stupid believing he may have loved her a year ago but not anymore? Why would you think after everything he still loves her after everything thats happened (genuinely asking)? My friend said why would the woman write me a handwritten note...but if it wasn't her wouldn't someone who saw them say something bad about her too as she was involved with someone taken? Oh noooo, it couldn't possibly be HIS fault! Bonnie - you will never lay the blame at his feet. The question isn't to do with him - the question is that you don't think enough of yourself that this is unacceptable...and why would this be good enough? He is a cheater and a liar!!! And you are deciding it's a good thing to marry him? You will settle for very little. And I don't think we can help you at all since you won't view this realistically. Tell him to pay you a million dollars to marry you...because even at that payment it won't be enough because you are selling your soul to the devil just to say you are "married". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 Go look at the OP's history and her other thread from the Cheating forum, if you need context as to what is going on. Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 Someone is trying to warn you. I do not know how to find the truth. Have you discussed this with him? Keep a copy of the letter in a safe place. See if he would be willing to take a polygraph to show you his answers. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts