Inside the mind of a dumper

[Ieris]

I've realised that I'm very different. Other people talk about "losing that spark", that "things just aren't the same anymore", that they've "fallen out of love". I just don't get this.

 

A relationship to me is like building a house. In the beginning it's very fragile, but as time passes, you add more bricks to your house and eventually it will be really strong. Sure, a hurricane may weaken the walls, but it will take more than that to make it collapse.

 

I have the same view on friendship. I've known most of my friends since I was 10 years old. They might not even be the best friends I can get, but our history together makes it impossible for me to replace them.

 

Even though my ex was incredibly beautiful, it's much more exciting to spend the night together with my new girlfriend. It's new and fresh. But it can never be compared to the friendship my ex and I developed over the years. I will never understand how you could trade that away for some excitement.

 

This is how my brother works as well. He said with time it just goes up and up. It is great when you get with someone who works in the same way

[Light Breeze]

This is how my brother works as well. He said with time it just goes up and up. It is great when you get with someone who works in the same way

 

Yeah, it's great if you have the same beliefs. Entirely my point

[happiness0421]

Hi all, OP here. It's been interesting following this post and seeing everyone's reactions to it.

 

To answer someone's question - yes, I started seeing a therapist about 10 months into the relationship when I just couldn't quite shake some of the feelings I was having. I was open about this with my partner, and while he didn't quite understand it, he was supportive of it. I took a break from seeing a therapist, but will now be going back to see someone to help me work through these feelings. My friends & family have been a great support system, but sometimes it's good to have an 'expert' opinion and talk to someone who is nonpartisan in the situation.

 

I think that there are many different kinds of love. I didn't begin this relationship hoping to only have the kind of love reserved for a good friend. Of course I wanted something deeper & stronger. I never set out to break this guy's heart. I wanted to make myself love him more than I did, but I couldn't make that happen and it's not something you can force. I've felt that kind of love before, so I know it exists. Sometimes, it's just not there with certain people.

[HurtGator]

Hi all, OP here. It's been interesting following this post and seeing everyone's reactions to it.

 

To answer someone's question - yes, I started seeing a therapist about 10 months into the relationship when I just couldn't quite shake some of the feelings I was having. I was open about this with my partner, and while he didn't quite understand it, he was supportive of it. I took a break from seeing a therapist, but will now be going back to see someone to help me work through these feelings. My friends & family have been a great support system, but sometimes it's good to have an 'expert' opinion and talk to someone who is nonpartisan in the situation.

 

I think that there are many different kinds of love. I didn't begin this relationship hoping to only have the kind of love reserved for a good friend. Of course I wanted something deeper & stronger. I never set out to break this guy's heart. I wanted to make myself love him more than I did, but I couldn't make that happen and it's not something you can force. I've felt that kind of love before, so I know it exists. Sometimes, it's just not there with certain people.

 

Was the love there in the beginning but faded over the years? If so, it's normal, it happens to all couples.

[jphcbpa]

Hi all, OP here. It's been interesting following this post and seeing everyone's reactions to it.

 

To answer someone's question - yes, I started seeing a therapist about 10 months into the relationship when I just couldn't quite shake some of the feelings I was having. I was open about this with my partner, and while he didn't quite understand it, he was supportive of it. I took a break from seeing a therapist, but will now be going back to see someone to help me work through these feelings. My friends & family have been a great support system, but sometimes it's good to have an 'expert' opinion and talk to someone who is nonpartisan in the situation.

 

I think that there are many different kinds of love. I didn't begin this relationship hoping to only have the kind of love reserved for a good friend. Of course I wanted something deeper & stronger. I never set out to break this guy's heart. I wanted to make myself love him more than I did, but I couldn't make that happen and it's not something you can force. I've felt that kind of love before, so I know it exists. Sometimes, it's just not there with certain people.

 

Kudos for you for going back and working on this with a therapist. Please know that the best way to work this out is to work it out with a partner inside of a relationship. It is one thing to be aware of it and talk about it...it is another to actually do the "work" necessary inside a loving relationship. An intimate rel is going to bring up all your $hit to the surface for healing. If you are "comfortable" in a rel then you are hiding out. You need a partner who will bring up all this for you. The universe will provide this...just ask and trust. There are great life lessons to be learned in this process. Another great book is "A Return to Love" by Marianne Williamson...just read the chapter called "Relationships" for starters.

[Allumere]

Love is as much a choice as all the decisions centered around it. Ex mates that say "I love you" then split can be grouped into 3 buckets..1) they never really loved you 2) they are choosing not to love you and 3) they love you but have conditions that you can't meet and therefore choose themselves.

[BC1980]

Love is as much a choice as all the decisions centered around it. Ex mates that say "I love you" then split can be grouped into 3 buckets..1) they never really loved you 2) they are choosing not to love you and 3) they love you but have conditions that you can't meet and therefore choose themselves.

 

I think it's usually # 3.

[Itspointless]

I have the feeling there should be brackets in option three at the places I have inserted them.

3) they love you but have conditions (that you can't meet) and therefore choose themselves.

 

I think that there are many different kinds of love.

You are not the only one. For example the old greeks differentiated between agape, phileo, storge and eros (see Types of Love)

[HurtGator]

Eros

Eros is a passionate and intense love that arouses romantic feelings; it is the kind that often triggers “high” feelings in a new relationship and makes you say, “I love him/her”. It is simply an emotional and sexual love. Although this romantic love is important in the beginning of a new relationship, it may not last unless it moves a notch higher because it focuses more on self instead of the other person. If the person “in love” does not feel good about their relationship anymore, they will stop loving their partner.

 

Eros is EXACTLY what describes the love based solely on the puppy-love, honeymoon phase feelings. It's interesting how it describes it as more of selfish type of love.

[Itspointless]

Eros is EXACTLY what describes the love based solely on the puppy-love, honeymoon phase feelings. It's interesting how it describes it as more of selfish type of love.

Yeah, see the description here why it is: Eros (concept) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia It is also why love (erotic love) sometimes is described as madness

[KBarletta]

Love is as much a choice as all the decisions centered around it.

 

^^ I agree with this, certainly as it pertains to long-term relationships. Obviously, we don't decide who we fall in love with from Day One. But we DO decide whether to stay in love with those people as time goes on, and whether to put in the work necessary to make it last.

 

I think this is the basic disagreement in this thread, and one that dooms many long-term relationships: Those who define long-term love as a feeling that can come and go, and those who see it as more of a conscious choice that takes effort to sustain.

 

I come down on the side of choice, because I know first hand how fleeting feelings can be. Love is way more than that, IMO.

[noob_saibot]

well from my experience, the dumper gets exhausted mentally. they feel like they are not moving forward inlife and the seem to think that its their partners fault when really its no one but their own. sometimes they see another person who has different thinks. and they like the new things, and they like hearing the new stories. and sharing new interests. that's usually when they leave you for someone else. some times they dumper feels they can grow on their own more if they are single. sometimes they break up with you because it has nothing to even do with you. its about them and what they think they know they are doing, weather they are right or wrong. bottom line. before your dumped. you picture how your life is together, get good careers, big home. married, kids. dogs. vacations. but when your partner is about to dump you. they see all that. but on a small scale. they want more, something bigger. its what THEY call the 20/80 or vice versa. its when your partner has 80 percent of what they NEED. and the other 20 percent is more on the lines of what they WANT.

 

 

I never read your post. but if you are a guy, and you had a good girlfriend. she was cute, and pretty average, and you were with her for a long time. and then oneday you went to the café. and they waitress was a smoking hottie and suddenly she was interested in you. and you had so much morals,. but your overwhelmed by your sexual desire and you suddenly think. wow I didn't know I could do better than my current gf, who is awesome and loves me., but she isn't has hot or wild as this new girl or exciting. then you dump your awesome girlfriend for the rush of this hottie being interested in you. your guys date for a few months, and you have s3x, but then she starts to yawn because shes had way bigger than you, and shes also a b!tch. so she leaves you. you cry. your ex gf is trying to get you back. you just want to be left alone because your not over the fact that you had this super hot gf. then going back to your average gf is not enough because its going back to the last 4 years of your life. plain old boring life. so you let her go and stay single. a few months later you see your ex on fb, she lost weight, and she got a boob job. and shes not average. shes hot, super hot. and shes dating your best friend. your pissed off n you try and get her bak but its too late.

 

 

I dono I just made that up but im sure that's hot it goes in a dumpers mind?

[EuTuBrute]

crock of s**t when it comes to some dumpers, you sound like you are a normal emotionally healthy person . Cant say the same about all dumpers my x was nothing but wicked , cruel and selfish .

 

im sorry as well if the other person is so awesome you should not be dumping them esp via a blindside .

 

if you have a "gut feeling" (typicall womens talk) you owe it to yo out what the problem is and at least try and fix it esp after 6 years. Not referring to your situation "happiness" just my dumper

 

This is reality. Mine dropped me after 2.5 years in the meanest, cruelest, selfish way. She didn't give a damn, and didn't even want to talk about it. In fact she made me break up with her because she was acting in such a horrid way. In retrospect what a smart ex, making me the bad guy

[happiness0421]

Hi, all,

 

OP here. I am sorry that so many of you have had really crappy ex experiences. I have too in the past, which I think is why I make an effort to communicate well while in a relationship now and if we do break up, be very honest and open with my feelings.

 

I wanted to share with all of you that I dropped off a copy of what I wrote in my original post on this thread, as well as a letter, to my ex-boyfriend. In the letter, I was not asking for forgiveness, trying to justify my actions, etc. I was simply trying to explain what happened and why I felt like it was necessary for us to end our relationship. I thanked him for everything we had ever experienced together and promised him that this past 1.5 years were not in vain.

 

I wasn't expecting an immediate response, but he contacted me a few hours later saying that he had read everything and wanted to talk, if possible. We met at a coffee shop last night and had such an amazing conversation. He felt guilty for holding onto me, even when I expressed having these feelings. He thanked me for helping him to come out of his shell and start a career doing something he truly loves. He thanked me for all of the experiences we had and said that he would always carry a part of me with him (and of course I said the same). He said that he wants to see me with that person that is going to be the one I can see myself with for a long time, and he understands that it is not him, but knows that person is out there for him too. We did have the 'friend' talk (as we have mutual friends), but realized that we need to have our space for at least a few months or so while we move on.

 

I am not shocked that this conversation happened, but I am shocked that it happened as soon as it did. The physical pain and hurt that I have been feeling for a while is almost nonexistent at this point, because I know that I did the right thing and I no longer feel guilty about it. It is still a long road, and there will be some sadness & loneliness tied in, but ultimately we both know it was for the best. This was honestly the best Christmas present I could have ever asked for this year.

 

To all of you who are the dumpees - stay strong. You will find it in your heart to heal and forgive. To the dumpers, if doing it for the right reasons - be honest, open and as kind as possible. It will help your heart heal as well.

[lonewalker]

What you actually need is someone who will completely breaks your heart to be able to appreciate another who will truly treats you well.

[newlyborn]

the fact is that people only leave relationships in which they feel unhappy, stifled, annoyed, bored, mistreated, unsatisfied. and that is fair enough. i think that what hurts dumpees most is not really the end of the relationship, but the stringing along, lying, cheating, fading out, and other disrespectful ways that most dumpers leave relationships.

 

nevertheless, the reasons why relationships fail do not have only to do with a lack of integrity or trustworthiness in the dumper. they have to do with the internal dynamics of the relationship and timing usually -- i.e., the dumper feels ready for a change, is changing or dealing with different life circumstances, imagines their future differently. all of these things happen ordinarily in life. and each of us is entitled to a love that delights, stimulates, deepens. both dumpers and dumpees.

 

the best defense, i think, to being dumped is to love oneself first and foremost, to make one's own life the primary focus always, to grow and to change, and to allow in every relationship the room for the other person to change as well and, if necessary, to choose differently.

[ralfgarnett]

Based on the 20 years I have been with my wife this was my score, as with everyone else I answered the questions honestly exactly as I perceived them no point doing otherwise is there, so here they are but I don't really know what this makes me could somebody please clarify for me.

===========================================

 

 

According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is 2.89, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 1.72, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance).

 

We have plotted your two scores in the two-dimensional space defined by attachment-related anxiety and avoidance. Your approximate position in this space is denoted by the blue dot. (Note: If you left any of the questions unanswered, then these scores may be inaccurate.)

[Itspointless]

Based on the 20 years I have been with my wife this was my score, as with everyone else I answered the questions honestly exactly as I perceived them no point doing otherwise is there, so here they are but I don't really know what this makes me could somebody please clarify for me.

===========================================

 

 

According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is 2.89, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 1.72, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance).

 

We have plotted your two scores in the two-dimensional space defined by attachment-related anxiety and avoidance. Your approximate position in this space is denoted by the blue dot. (Note: If you left any of the questions unanswered, then these scores may be inaccurate.)

Hello Ralph, I always find the graph a bit confusing to read as it doesn't have the axes numbered. But if I read your scores and compare it with mine (I score higher on anxiety) I guess you ended up in in the secure quadrant (upper-left) right? If so than it would make you secure. Secure means that you have a healthy pattern of relating. Not taking to much distance and not clinging to much. t means that there aren't any fears left by our upbringing that compromise the way you trust your significant other with all the consequences of how you share your inner world with them. See: Secure Attachment - Psychology Characteristics

 

These attachment patterns especially play an important role when we feel anxious or stressed. To give you a personal example my ex broke up because she got ill . She wanted it to do alone and not talk about it at all. I am the exact opposite

[Halcyon]

I got the following:

 

According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is 2.78, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 1.67, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance).

 

Which I find quite interesting because I have a long history of depression and anxiety however I've had both under control (for the most part) for quite some time. I can see if I was to take this questionnaire several years ago the outcome would be very different. Basically the way I view relationships is I'm happy in my own skin, relationships just add to that but are by no means the sole source of my happiness. I enjoy being close to someone because it's nice to have someone to confide in and share your life with. Just seems I have not found the one I'm meant to be with long term and that's ok.

[ralfgarnett]

I got the following:

 

According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is 2.78, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 1.67, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance).

 

Which I find quite interesting because I have a long history of depression and anxiety however I've had both under control (for the most part) for quite some time. I can see if I was to take this questionnaire several years ago the outcome would be very different. Basically the way I view relationships is I'm happy in my own skin, relationships just add to that but are by no means the sole source of my happiness. I enjoy being close to someone because it's nice to have someone to confide in and share your life with. Just seems I have not found the one I'm meant to be with long term and that's ok.

 

 

I currently am being treated for depression and anxiety caused by our separation, hardly surprising really after 20 years and out of no where.

Edited December 19, 2014 by ralfgarnett