has anyone ever fudged the truth when confessing your affair to your spouse?(Updated)

[jackslife]

unless you get to the root of the problem, you will cheat again.

 

This statement absolutely nails it!

[nikki76]

I'm finding the hardest part in ending the A.....is the pain I'm going to feel after.

Not necessarily missing AP as a person....its been so long since I've been with him anyway.

But its the "emotional" bond that ive created in my head, thats going to

make me miss him so much.

I decided that I'm not going to confess. Some may think that the cowardly way out. But its my choice.

So how do I explain the crying and

emotional wreck that I'm going to be?

[aliveagain]

The truth will set you free. Telling him will show that you are choosing him over your affair partner and will go a long way to show him you are remorseful. You will fair much better confessing than having him discover your infidelity on his own. Most betrayed spouses already suspected infidelity before exposure was made. Withholding who the affair was with tells him you are more interested in protecting other man than you are him. He will be in extreme pain and knowing you choose to hide the identity of other man over the worst pain he has ever experienced will probably be more of a deal breaker than the actual sexual acts themselves.

 

The fact that your hiding his identity will itself be a tipoff as to who it might be. Your protecting his identity so it must be someone he knows. Anything you keep secret from him is the same as plotting against him with O/M, it's proof that you are still disrespecting him and not fully engaged in the marriage. There can be no secrets between you and your husband if you want to save your marriage.

 

Write out a timeline of events(hope you didn't betray the sanctuary of his home, it's already bad enough that your banging his friend), when it started, how many times, details of the events, hold nothing back. You have to be completely honest with him because your words will mean sh*t, he will be watching the only thing that is now believable to him, your actions. Don't make another bad choice, do what is right, some day he will discover who the affair was with and just think of what his reaction will be when he discovers his friend was a predator and you kept him in the picture. He will feel like a complete fool specially if he confided in him.

[jbrent890]

I'm finding the hardest part in ending the A.....is the pain I'm going to feel after.

Not necessarily missing AP as a person....its been so long since I've been with him anyway.

But its the "emotional" bond that ive created in my head, thats going to

make me miss him so much.

I decided that I'm not going to confess. Some may think that the cowardly way out. But its my choice.

So how do I explain the crying and

emotional wreck that I'm going to be?

 

To be honest I'm not surprised. There was a part of me that thought you wanted to come clean and fix your marriage. Anyway, i sugesst you try your best to suck it up. It's been found that men do a better job than women in realizing that there is something wrong when it comes to things like this. More than likely your husband is going to think that you are or had an affair. If he calls you out on it are you still going to continue to lie? Im telling you right now that you are only setting yourself up for failure. I'm going to advise again to confess. You have been doing what is best for you for some time now. Now I think it's time you put your husband first and let him make a decision on what he wants to do. I think the reason you don't wont to tell is because when your husband figures out the extent of your affairs, he is going to leave you. Yes what your doing is cowardly but also evil. You are essentially conning him to stay married to you. I don't think I have to tell you how selfish that is. And please do not say that you are trying to spare him from hurt. Everyone that uses that excuse eventually admits that the reason they lied was because they were scared of the consequences. You even said it yourself that you are worried you might have another affair. What if that's the affair you get busted on? After this post I'm done because I don't think you get it. At the end of the day you are going to do what's best for you. I pray and hope that some day that will change.

[earlymorningshakes]

To be honest I'm not surprised. There was a part of me that thought you wanted to come clean and fix your marriage. Anyway, i sugesst you try your best to suck it up. It's been found that men do a better job than women in realizing that there is something wrong when it comes to things like this. More than likely your husband is going to think that you are or had an affair. If he calls you out on it are you still going to continue to lie? Im telling you right now that you are only setting yourself up for failure. I'm going to advise again to confess. You have been doing what is best for you for some time now. Now I think it's time you put your husband first and let him make a decision on what he wants to do. I think the reason you don't wont to tell is because when your husband figures out the extent of your affairs, he is going to leave you. Yes what your doing is cowardly but also evil. You are essentially conning him to stay married to you. I don't think I have to tell you how selfish that is. And please do not say that you are trying to spare him from hurt. Everyone that uses that excuse eventually admits that the reason they lied was because they were scared of the consequences. You even said it yourself that you are worried you might have another affair. What if that's the affair you get busted on? After this post I'm done because I don't think you get it. At the end of the day you are going to do what's best for you. I pray and hope that some day that will change.

 

 

 

I highly disagree with this. I confessed two years ago to my (ex) husband and all it did was 1) make me feel better (take the load off my chest) and 2) put him in extreme emotional turmoil that he is still going through to this day. He wanted to repair our relationship, but in my opinion, there was no fixing it. I wish I had not told him about the affair and just ended the marriage because things weren't working.

[jbrent890]

I highly disagree with this. I confessed two years ago to my (ex) husband and all it did was 1) make me feel better (take the load off my chest) and 2) put him in extreme emotional turmoil that he is still going through to this day. He wanted to repair our relationship, but in my opinion, there was no fixing it. I wish I had not told him about the affair and just ended the marriage because things weren't working.

 

And in that situation you would have done the right thing. If you plan on leaving anyway, then I see no reason to confess. However, yours and the op's situation are very different. She wants to stay in the marriage. Also, she has even expressed concern that she might cheat again. If she plans on staying, then she needs to confess. She runs a greater risk of her husband finding out from someone else about her affairs.

[Rainbowlove]

Well, there is guilt and secrets and fear of getting caught that will eat away at you, too...and then adding the sorrow of missing the AP relationship. That's a lot to deal with all at once. I think you will be a nightmare emotionally.

 

If you are hell bent on not confessing, you will find yourself crying alone a lot.

 

It's an awful way to be.

 

And I don't think you'll find freedom in holding all that inside and burying it, but it is your choice.

 

Get into counseling, if you are not already. You'll need a safe place to share your emotions.

[Sub]

So how do I explain the crying and

emotional wreck that I'm going to be?

 

Just come up with reasons that aren't true. If you're conceding that such a scenario will come to be, what options do you have, really? Bad day at work...something with the kids...something on the news....PMS.

 

Honestly: if you're asking this question, I don't think you're completely comfortable with your decision to not disclose.

[AlwaysGrowing]

You are already setting yourself up for failure. The narrative is already written, you have already decided what you are going to feel/act.

 

All that is left...is for you to play out the script you have written.

 

I am not sure what part of you has decided to hold onto the "good" of your affairs....I do know...that that part of you is running the show.

 

Might be good to figure out why that part of you is so dominate.

[Sub]

Just as an aside: you said in the previous thread that you're scared if you don't confess, you'll have another A. Do you still have that fear?

[Soverysad123]

Hello. I ended a one year affair in March and it was hell. I didn't have a dday and I think/thought (who knows) that I was in love with exMM, but equally neither of us where leaving our families and I was worried as to what would happen if they found out and the guilt was terrible to live with, my H didn't deserve what I was doing. Anyway I ended it, regretted it as soon as I did but once I ended it exMM didn't want to go back. It took me months of crying alone and feeling numb. Didn't enjoy stuff that I should of, I will not get those times back - family stuff where I felt numb and made myself to put a smile on my face. You will get over it and it can be done alone. But it bloody hurts. Please private message me if ever you need support. Wishing you lots of luck. Maybe do it after Christmas, otherwise you will just really hurt over a very special time of year.

[RightThere]

Hello. Thank you for replying. I dont know your story. Did you stay with your H? Did he confess or did u find out another way?thanks

 

I did stay with my WW. She only confessed when I confronted her straight up by asking if she was sleeping with so and so. And it wasn't the whole truth right away. It was a watered down version that I had to keep asking questions about to get the real truth.

 

In fairness, I did get the important details about the affair over the course of say two weeks. There was just tons of other B.S. I got fed that dragged out much longer with her OM. That stuff I had to do my own snooping to bust her on.