Is he giving up on me?

[rester]

Anyone have any thoughts on this long text I plan on sending?

 

 

Everything that I was concerned would happen in this relationship is happening. It seems to be playing out exactly how the first break up went. The slow fade that demonstrated you weren't interested. The first break up was terrible and I remember crying nearly every day. Honestly, I cry now because I'm in a relationship with someone who treats me like a friend. Think about how things have been and wonder if you think I feel cared for or appreciated. I remember in the beginning of this you said I needed to put more effort to work this out so I did. Now, I don't feel like you are. I'm sorry if I'm being insensitive to you being tired, but if you can't cope with the communication levels I hope for and the way you used to when you were truly excited to be with me, I don't know if I can cope with it much longer. I woke up and realized I might be overly caring for, and romanticizing someone who might not see me in the same light at all. I can't stress how much I think you're right for me (again, romanticizing), but definitely not as of late. I believe you stopped caring, and I fear you have stopped caring a long time ago. I've not told you how I've been feeling lately, which is unhappy, to avoid drama and stress, but I think about this very often and I believe I've held it long enough. So please let me go if you choose, you don't seem to care a large deal or invest much of your feelings any longer so it should maybe be easy for you. I won't hate you or dramatically delete you from my life like I once did. I would completely understand. I will grieve, and then I'll be fine, I wont have any hard feelings and I won't regret anything about the last few months. So consider it

 

 

Too dramatic?

(for clarification: we broke up once for two months and he came back saying he had changed and things would be different. The same thing is happening as the first time - distancing etc)

 

My first reaction to this was to suggest not sending such a long and serious text. These things would be better spoken than written. However, I can see how saying a lot of this could be difficult and if it's not an option to verbalize it, I suggest send this not as a text, but as a handwritten letter, or at the very least, an email.

 

I don't like the part where you put the fate of your relationship in his hands, asking him to let you go. If you want to end it because you are unhappy, it is your decision. Certainly try to work on things by explaining why you are unhappy, but asking him to let you go because you are unhappy is unreasonable. He may be perfectly happy with the way things are going, so why would he end it? That is up to you.

[Zahara]

So please let me go if you choose, you don't seem to care a large deal or invest much of your feelings any longer so it should maybe be easy for you)

 

If he chooses not to let you go, do you then still stay in a relationship that doesn't fulfill you? Or is the letter moreso a passive way in trying to provoke a reaction from him?

 

Parts of your letter and the statement in bold sounds passive aggressive and almost guilting him into feeling bad for you.

 

Please don't send this. If you feel that he is not giving you what you want, then YOU need to make that decision. He's repeating the pattern. You know the answer. If you need to make your thoughts known to him, talk to him and make your decision. Don't hide behind emails and text messages.

[justwhoiam]

Honestly? I think I'm very understanding and a generous person overall, but you seem to be too accomodating.

 

First, and you've been told this already, a one-hour drive from each other is NOT a LDR. I mean you both drive a freaking half an hour and you meet, for heaven sake. What prevents you both from doing that?

 

It just looks like a stagnating relationship, more like keeping each other company when you're both available (which is almost never).

 

If he were my boyfriend, he'd have to go out of his way to be with me, seriously. But then there'd be fireworks going on, so I guess it'd be worth it. Is he even motivated to come there and see you? Apparently not. Does he end up on the couch watching tv? Or in a 3-minute sex session?

 

Anyway, the bottom line is there's seem to be no spark between you two, though that'd be essential to keep things moving forward or to endure the distance.

 

You can keep him for your lonely nights, but maybe it's time you start looking for someone else. Unless you really are in love with him. In that case, turn everything upside down and let him move his a-- quickly. Don't let him think you're just there waiting for him. You both seem quite unmotivated.

[Ara-bella]

Just to update: we got in a fight the other day and I told him we both weren't happy in this relationship and if there was a time to end it, it'd be now. To which he replied "but, it's Christmas. Its supposed to be the happy time of the year."

 

And I tell him "well it's not like we're gonna hate each other, we'll be fine either way" and he goes "Nah I wanna be yours at least for this whole Christmas time if we choose that option"

????????????????

 

We also got gifts for each other and he insists I go see him on Christmas.. although for the past month hes had opportunities to come see me and he just was not interested in doing so at all.

[beach]

I work on his days off which are Tuesday and Wednesday so it hardly works out. At this point he seems uninterested in seeing me at all, though.

 

Should I just ask him what he wants to do and if it's worth saving?

Or not cause any stress-inducing drama and just let him be..

I just keep crying because I feel like I know where this is going but there's just never a solid answer.

 

No you don't "ask" him.

 

You tell him. Like a grown woman who takes charge of her life. You say "this isn't working for me and I'm not happy, so I'm ending this."

 

And that's it! You move forward and find a mate who makes effort to see you. He is NOT that guy.

 

 

I know men who fly across the country to see their gal every weekend. Why? Because they want to and the gal is their priority!

 

One hour away is nothing. The guy is lazy and making no effort.

 

You are an option for him - that's a bad position to be in.

 

It's already over since no effort is being made - just say it to him so you don't have to pretend during Christmas.

Edited December 22, 2014 by beach

[justwhoiam]

he insists I go see him on Christmas..

If he's going to be your boyfriend during Christmas time, why doesn't he come to you?

[Zahara]

And I tell him "well it's not like we're gonna hate each other, we'll be fine either way" and he goes "Nah I wanna be yours at least for this whole Christmas time if we choose that option"

????????????????

 

You have your answer. His casual attitude about ending is indicative of how much he values the relationship and you.

 

We also got gifts for each other and he insists I go see him on Christmas.. although for the past month hes had opportunities to come see me and he just was not interested in doing so at all.

 

He wants to have fun time with you during Xmas, and that's about it. He doesn't want to be alone and wants the benefit of having someone to spend it with. And insisting that you go and see him, it's evident that he doesn't care to put in any effort for you.

 

You already know the truth about your relationship.

[yokaze]

I've played those cards terribly in the past. "So Ya just wanna be friends, babe?" Expecting lovey-Dovey expressions of adoration. Don't go there. As a guy, if I hear my GF offer those words, massive bells go off.

 

So approach said BF with the truth. As others pointed out, an hour is like commuting distance (hell, it's 20miles here in L.A.) so if I were you I'd drive my cute self to said BF and talk it out. That is, if this relationship is what you want to peruse.

 

Now the flip side. He's expressed some concerns. We all do. We'd also like our supporting parter to come back with "hell yes, it's worth it babe and we are going to put in the work!" All in all, relationships are mutual collaboration, you picking me up when I'm down and me doing the same when you're having a hard one.

 

Be honest. Be seriously honest. Tell him his work is important and he's doing a great job. And tell him he's fantastic. How he replies will let you know the secrets of the universe.

 

Stay on track,

DP

[Ara-bella]

Thanks for the advice and everything guys. Unfortunately we broke up. I feel terrible because of the fact this new year is starting with me alone, we could've spent it together etc.. any advice?

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks for the advice and everything guys. Unfortunately we broke up. I feel terrible because of the fact this new year is starting with me alone, we could've spent it together etc.. any advice?

 

Would it have been better to ring in the new year with a guy who's clearly not invested, only to be his security blanket until he walks away? His response to you wanting to break up before Christmas said it all. He's not into you the way you are into him anymore. Stay strong and remember something better will come your way.

[justwhoiam]

any advice?

Get a new haircut maybe? Focus on yourself. Do things you dreamed of doing but always postponed. Go out with your friends. Make more friends. Don't miss out on your social life. Have the best of times!