Men late 30s+ is it a red flag is there relationships only lasted 1 year or less?

[Frank2thepoint]

That's just how it works; attraction comes first, then examination to determine if this is a suitable partner before opening the heart and risking devastation. Men do the same.

 

Yes men do the same. But I as a man would not disqualify a woman that is genuinely interested in me, compatible with me, and good to me, but only had less than one year long serious relationships.

[most_distant_galaxy]

I stated my opinion, by use of adjectives, based on your negativity about not believing the existence of men that are communicative and straightforward. Supplemented by that you require a visible indicator that a such man has gone through self-improvement.

___________________________

What?

I said I dont believe that men who

1) never had a long term relationship AND

2) have spent time as monks or fighting to be on the top of their career young AND

3) are communicative and straightforward

exist.

 

Do you know any? How many?

________________________

 

 

I already knew about this, and didn't deem it was necessary to argue because it would have been superfluous to topic. But since you mentioned, I do have to point out, there is actually no substantial difference between a relationship that lasted 6 months or 36 months, except time spent together in a relationship. Contrary to Ninjainpajamas's rant and your assumptions, issues between two people arise a lot earlier than the one year mark or past the third year of a relationship. They often appear within the first two or three months, but many people let it simmer for far too long, or don't communicate and try to resolve it, for the sake of the bragging rights of being in a long term relationship.

 

__________________________

I will be mean again, but how do you know that there isnt subtantial difference? Yes, sometimes people settle for something thats not satisfying. But also some couples dont have serious issues for a long time, because they like each other and they treat each other well. There are many issues in a relationship that are not related to disrespect.

_____________________________

 

The second thing you are correct about, was they are the easy going women. You, and your obstinate ilk, are not the easy going type of women. You build more walls, create barriers, that I wonder if you do them purposely to distance yourself from men, and probably play the victim card yourself when you aren't finding the communicative and straight-forward men that prove to their self-improvement. Wait, you already did that in an earlier post.

 

_______________________________

I never said I'm easy going. But I think its a very attractive trait and I certainly dont ignore it on others. I dont build any walls, I just have my own standards, and my own experience. I dont understand why I should change them because some men are bitter. Im being practical and I prefer to have proof instead of words. And before you say that men can lie about their relationships' length... I only date men in my circle or my friends' circles. So I already know.

 

(I was bored to split the quote)

[xxoo]

What if that reason is that he can't attract the women he wants to be in a relationship with?

 

Should he just settle for whatever woman wants him and then try to keep her happy, regardless of his feelings for her?

 

If you're attracting women you want to be in a relationship now, just be honest about your 20s. She's attracted. She's not going to care that you were a late bloomer.

 

Yes men do the same. But I as a man would not disqualify a woman that is genuinely interested in me, compatible with me, and good to me, but only had less than one year long serious relationships.

 

Women need to be more careful about this because women are more likely to end up in the position of wanting the serious relationship progressing toward commitment. Commitment phobes can have a pattern of coming on strong and then pulling back, and history can show this.

[Frank2thepoint]

What?

I said I dont believe that men who

1) never had a long term relationship AND

2) have spent time as monks or fighting to be on the top of their career young AND

3) are communicative and straightforward

exist.

 

Do you know any? How many?

 

Um, actually this was your exact quote:

 

1) The level of self-improvement and spiritual growth. Is it apparent? If yes, I can see my self being mesmerised by this.

 

2) His personality. If he was a communicative, straightforward person I think I would gladly give him a chance.

 

But to answer question if I know any and how many, I know myself and that is one. Aside from me boasting confidently, some of my ex-girlfriends, quite a few women I've dated, and several female friends have said I am very communicative, direct, and really liked my improvement I was undergoing at the time. But I don't expect you to believe me, which I understand. I hope my passionate discussion on this thread proves the communicative and direct part. If you are having trouble finding a communicative man to date, then you will need to date outside of your circle or your friends' circles.

 

 

I will be mean again, but how do you know that there isnt subtantial difference? Yes, sometimes people settle for something thats not satisfying. But also some couples dont have serious issues for a long time, because they like each other and they treat each other well. There are many issues in a relationship that are not related to disrespect.

 

Relationships that made it past one-year mark, where both people love each other, are respectful, supportive, compatible, but face struggles and even end up dissolving the relationship are beyond the scope of my argument of no substantial difference. For example, a relationship that ends because one person is not ready to move in with the other (which there is one current thread on LS). Or one person has to move away for a job, and neither one or both people want to commit to a long distance relationship. There are much more examples, but what I'm saying is such incidents can not be predicted within the first year or even after three years of a relationship.

 

What I refer to concerning no substantial difference, is when you can predict the outcome of the relationship after just two or three months. You let it drag out when it doesn't need to be. There is another current thread that serves as a perfect example. The guy was dating an angry and manipulative girl, whom exhibited this behavior from early in the relationship. The guy chose to be with her for nearly 2 years. There was no need for the relationship to go beyond 2 months.

 

 

I never said I'm easy going. But I think its a very attractive trait and I certainly dont ignore it on others. I dont build any walls, I just have my own standards, and my own experience. I dont understand why I should change them because some men are bitter. Im being practical and I prefer to have proof instead of words. And before you say that men can lie about their relationships' length... I only date men in my circle or my friends' circles. So I already know.

 

I never said you should change your standards. I'm focusing on this requirement that the thread is about. If you want a communicative and direct man, that's great. But what if you've met such a man, was respectful, attracted to you, and you to him, realize you two connect and are compatible, and he told you none of his serious relationships lasted for more than a year for legitimate reasons? Based on your requirement of a man needing to have a minimum of one year relationship(s), you would turn him down and deem him undesirable. He wouldn't be worthy of LTR with you. And how could a man prove to you his worthiness, if you are unwilling to take a risk? Even if he did have one or all of his past relationships last a minimum of one year, what proof is there you two would last for one year? Or is this requirement born out of fear that the man may deem you unworthy at any point in the course of a relationship?

 

 

Women need to be more careful about this because women are more likely to end up in the position of wanting the serious relationship progressing toward commitment. Commitment phobes can have a pattern of coming on strong and then pulling back, and history can show this.

 

I'm glad you just said this. Replace the word "women" with "men" and you have an idea of what I've faced with most of the women that I've dated or had a relationship with. That's my experience and my frustration.

[xxoo]

I'm glad you just said this. Replace the word "women" with "men" and you have an idea of what I've faced with most of the women that I've dated or had a relationship with. That's my experience and my frustration.

 

Then maybe you should consider the advice to proceed with caution when a woman reveals she's never had a relationship longer than a year. You may be personalizing this too much (see it as a judgment on you), rather than seeing that this could help you select more commitment-seeking partners.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I would personally see a man whose had not very many relationships ( even in his late 30's) as a really really awesome thing. Yay less baggage. It means someone can clearly be devoted to me as I am to him. Finally! who wouldn't want that? at least the guy is being honest. He may really want commitment, he just hasn't found someone to stay committed to. Someone said to me that experience is over rated. Once you have met your match, their experience doesn't matter, in fact, the less the better.

[Frank2thepoint]

Then maybe you should consider the advice to proceed with caution when a woman reveals she's never had a relationship longer than a year. You may be personalizing this too much (see it as a judgment on you), rather than seeing that this could help you select more commitment-seeking partners.

 

As I've said, the amount of time a person was in a past relationship has no, nor should it, have any bearing to choosing someone that is seeking the same type of relationship with oneself.

[Exb]

If you're attracting women you want to be in a relationship now, just be honest about your 20s. She's attracted. She's not going to care that you were a late bloomer.

 

 

 

Women need to be more careful about this because women are more likely to end up in the position of wanting the serious relationship progressing toward commitment. Commitment phobes can have a pattern of coming on strong and then pulling back, and history can show this.

 

But late bloomers haven't had a one year long relationship. The latest bloomers haven't even had a relationship of any length. May as well stop pretending to be nice to them and call them losers.

[most_distant_galaxy]

Um, actually this was your exact quote:

________

 

.... Which was a reply to someone else's descriptive post which also implied a person who never had a LTR. Yes, I would date a 40 year old monk or professional leader who is direct and communicative and who never had a long teem relationship due to spending time in Tibet or spending time fighting to be the cream of the crop. This was an answer to a hypothetical question, not a list of my requirements.

________

 

But to answer question if I know any and how many, I know myself and that is one. Aside from me boasting confidently, some of my ex-girlfriends, quite a few women I've dated, and several female friends have said I am very communicative, direct, and really liked my improvement I was undergoing at the time. But I don't expect you to believe me, which I understand. I hope my passionate discussion on this thread proves the communicative and direct part. If you are having trouble finding a communicative man to date, then you will need to date outside of your circle or your friends' circles.

 

_______

I dont know in which way they meant you are communicative. If you mean venting without reading and without taking the context into account, then I dont think so. For me a communicative person is just an effective communicator who gets a point across in a simple way without getting consumed by emotion and knows how to listen. This is a skill and can be learned of course, its not some extraordinary talent or gift. Of course you dont need to prove anything to me, and to no one else. Dont take my opinion personally because I dont know you.... Opinions are opinions and thats all.

_______

 

 

Relationships that made it past one-year mark, where both people love each other, are respectful, supportive, compatible, but face struggles and even end up dissolving the relationship are beyond the scope of my argument of no substantial difference. For example, a relationship that ends because one person is not ready to move in with the other (which there is one current thread on LS). Or one person has to move away for a job, and neither one or both people want to commit to a long distance relationship. There are much more examples, but what I'm saying is such incidents can not be predicted within the first year or even after three years of a relationship.

 

______

Humans can never be predicted. But you usually learn more with long term relationships. About your self and how to interact, how to read a person. Im not saying shorter relationships dont teach anything, of course they do. But you get to understand a person deeper if you spend years with them. You see through the deeper roots of the small or big issues because you spend a considerable amount of time with them. If you know them for a shorter time you can only make assumptions. And a person approaching 40 who never had a long term relationship and hasnt had health problems or something equally serious to back it up... I dont know. I just dont know. Its almost 20 years of dating life. In the best case I would think that theres something wrong with his filter. There are so many decent women out there who are lonely and no one pays attention to them. Maybe they are not flashy or they are shy and go unnoticed. Or they are considered boring and not challenging (big mistake!). There are also women who are religious and believe in marriage. But most people seem to be drawn to unavailable or bitchy women who may "hide" secret virtues.

 

___________

 

What I refer to concerning no substantial difference, is when you can predict the outcome of the relationship after just two or three months. You let it drag out when it doesn't need to be. There is another current thread that serves as a perfect example. The guy was dating an angry and manipulative girl, whom exhibited this behavior from early in the relationship. The guy chose to be with her for nearly 2 years. There was no need for the relationship to go beyond 2 months.

_____

Im not saying that a person should have only long term relationships. Im saying that only short relationships when someone approaches 40 is very puzzling.

 

_____

 

I never said you should change your standards. I'm focusing on this requirement that the thread is about. If you want a communicative and direct man, that's great. But what if you've met such a man, was respectful, attracted to you, and you to him, realize you two connect and are compatible, and he told you none of his serious relationships lasted for more than a year for legitimate reasons? Based on your requirement of a man needing to have a minimum of one year relationship(s), you would turn him down and deem him undesirable. He wouldn't be worthy of LTR with you. And how could a man prove to you his worthiness, if you are unwilling to take a risk? Even if he did have one or all of his past relationships last a minimum of one year, what proof is there you two would last for one year? Or is this requirement born out of fear that the man may deem you unworthy at any point in the course of a relationship?

___

if the man is in his 20s, especially younger than me I would be more open in accepting the lack of experience (but still, Ive been there already, twice, so I dont want the same again). But why would a man need to prove his worthiness to me since I am so unfair as you imply? He should approach a sweeter and more easy going woman. There is someone foreveryone out there. And I dont see breaking up as deeming someone unworthy, if a man wants to break up then he is not feeling "it" with me for his own reasons and thats all.

 

 

Sorry again for not breaking the quote.

[lino]

This topic was good for a chuckle.

 

 

Women value what other women value. If you aren't wanted by many, you'll be wanted by almost none.

 

 

What if that reason is that he can't attract the women he wants to be in a relationship with?

 

Should he just settle for whatever woman wants him and then try to keep her happy, regardless of his feelings for her?

 

 

 

Yes mate, that's exactly what you're supposed to do! Didn't you receive the memo?!?

 

 

As a bloke, you will be judged for a trillion and one reasons with a trillion of them being the most asinine and trivial things you'll hear. Be prepared for it.

[Frank2thepoint]

I dont know in which way they meant you are communicative. If you mean venting without reading and without taking the context into account, then I dont think so. For me a communicative person is just an effective communicator who gets a point across in a simple way without getting consumed by emotion and knows how to listen. This is a skill and can be learned of course, its not some extraordinary talent or gift. Of course you dont need to prove anything to me, and to no one else. Dont take my opinion personally because I dont know you.... Opinions are opinions and thats all.

 

As I said, I didn't expect you to believe me on my communication skills. There will always emotion involved when people communicate, discuss, or argue. Denial of that is lack of understanding human nature. What you and other posters stated, in my opinion, was an unfair judgment about men who never had a one year relationship. But I'm not surprised by it. Some women will pave their lives with walls and barriers, just as some men do too.

 

 

Humans can never be predicted. But you usually learn more with long term relationships. About your self and how to interact, how to read a person. Im not saying shorter relationships dont teach anything, of course they do. But you get to understand a person deeper if you spend years with them. You see through the deeper roots of the small or big issues because you spend a considerable amount of time with them. If you know them for a shorter time you can only make assumptions. And a person approaching 40 who never had a long term relationship and hasnt had health problems or something equally serious to back it up... I dont know. I just dont know. Its almost 20 years of dating life. In the best case I would think that theres something wrong with his filter. There are so many decent women out there who are lonely and no one pays attention to them. Maybe they are not flashy or they are shy and go unnoticed. Or they are considered boring and not challenging (big mistake!). There are also women who are religious and believe in marriage. But most people seem to be drawn to unavailable or bitchy women who may "hide" secret virtues.

 

You make the assumption that it is full fault of the man for not having minimum one year relationship(s) in his past, that his filter is screwed up in some way. You have said not to place blame on women, but you have no problem placing the blame on men. I know that neither gender should take full blame for anything when it comes to a relationship. I gave examples of my frustrations in earlier posts on this thread. Those were my experiences, so they are real to me. I also backed up my experiences with statistical facts of my environment. More men want a serious relationship than women in NYC. So the only thing wrong with my filter is I keep choosing to date women in NYC. I've dated decent, non-flashy, shy women. In fact I prefer a more introverted woman than extroverted, because I am the same in a way. So I don't consider them boring. Unfortunately most of those women switched on me, after showing me ostensibly genuine interest for few weeks or months, and then just spewed the default "I'm not ready for anything serious" message. I've also dated the more extroverted women. Most were upfront from the beginning that they just wanted casual. The only thing shy and nice women are lacking is the ability to be upfront with a man from the very beginning.

 

Also since you mentioned once again that most men are drawn to bitchy women, I feel you are projecting this filter argument onto men (such as myself). Maybe you have a filter problem, and are choosing men that leave you for those flashy, bitchy women. Just making an observation.

 

 

if the man is in his 20s, especially younger than me I would be more open in accepting the lack of experience (but still, Ive been there already, twice, so I dont want the same again). But why would a man need to prove his worthiness to me since I am so unfair as you imply? He should approach a sweeter and more easy going woman. There is someone foreveryone out there. And I dont see breaking up as deeming someone unworthy, if a man wants to break up then he is not feeling "it" with me for his own reasons and thats all.

 

Experience with the opposite gender doesn't just come solely from long term relationships. It can come from short term, casual dating, and friendships. Instead of focusing on a man's length of time in a serious relationship, women should consider how a man interacts with women around him in all facets of his life. It's what I do when I consider a woman for a relationship. The amount of time she spent in a serious relationship is irrelevant, unless she stayed in one or more that were fraught with problems. This tells me that she is attracted to drama and baggage, rather than stability. Another thing I consider is a woman's relationship with her family. Lot of women have problems with their mothers, and tend to have difficult time expressing themselves or connecting emotionally in relationships.

[LookAtThisPOst]

You make the assumption that it is full fault of the man for not having minimum one year relationship(s) in his past, that his filter is screwed up in some way. You have said not to place blame on women, but you have no problem placing the blame on men. I know that neither gender should take full blame for anything when it comes to a relationship. I gave examples of my frustrations in earlier posts on this thread. Those were my experiences, so they are real to me. I also backed up my experiences with statistical facts of my environment. More men want a serious relationship than women in NYC. So the only thing wrong with my filter is I keep choosing to date women in NYC. I've dated decent, non-flashy, shy women. In fact I prefer a more introverted woman than extroverted, because I am the same in a way. So I don't consider them boring. Unfortunately most of those women switched on me, after showing me ostensibly genuine interest for few weeks or months, and then just spewed the default "I'm not ready for anything serious" message. I've also dated the more extroverted women. Most were upfront from the beginning that they just wanted casual. The only thing shy and nice women are lacking is the ability to be upfront with a man from the very beginning.

 

Also since you mentioned once again that most men are drawn to bitchy women, I feel you are projecting this filter argument onto men (such as myself). Maybe you have a filter problem, and are choosing men that leave you for those flashy, bitchy women. Just making an observation.

 

Some good points here. I often get strange looks from already divorced (sometimes twice divorced women) when they ask me, "You've NEVER been married and you're how old??"

 

As if I'm some sort of defect when it comes to dating. They don't once consider the possibility that the women I date tend to flake out or dump me within months of dating me due to some psychosis that they are suffering.

 

I mean, I could respond in mixed company that, "Well, all I keep meeting are flakes" but that would sound rather misogynistic against women. It would be a very negative response and would confirm their what they've speculated about my lack of long term (few years) relationships.

 

So I would just give the canned, "I guess I haven't met that special someone just yet." and give a fake smile and change the subject.

 

I mean I could respond with, "So how come you've had 2 failed marriages?" Of course, that wouldn't go over well either. LOL.

[gaius]

Whoa, let's relax here a lit bit.

 

I've had four serious relationships, with my longest lasting a little over 10 months. My first girlfriend was not nice. Okay I'm sugarcoating it, she was a bitch. Very angry, very manipulative. Also I was young and dumb. I broke it off. My second girlfriend wanted to get married, but didn't believe in love. She was very unstable and manipulative. She threatened to have sex with some random guy in a club just because we had an argument. I broke it off. My third girlfriend was still in love with her ex, and didn't really know what she wanted to do with me. I broke that off too. My last girlfriend is very insecure and broke up with me over a small thing she blew out of proportion. Even the short flings I had (which I partook in because I wanted the companionship of a woman), I wanted more but couldn't get. I ended those too.

 

I've always wanted a serious relationship, and it seems the thing I want the most, I can't get. Most of the women I dated, and I was interested in, were unavailable for a serious relationship. These were women that made it past one date, lots of intimate conversations, flirting, yet they didn't have their sh*t together to invest in a relationship. I never dragged a relationship out, just so I can get my sexual fill.

 

So if there are women out there (such as you Emilia, Georgia2014, newmoon, and GemmaUK), that would label it as a red flag, and relegate me as undesirable, just because I never had the opportunity to date a semi-stable woman that I can have some form of LTR with, then those women are f*cked up in their thought process more than I thought. Holy sh*t, I can't believe a man is even judged for not being in a relationship for at least one year.

I don't mean to rag on you, but since you're kind of making it about yourself, I remember watching how you used to interact with a woman you seemed to be pretty fond of and it was kind of apparent you weren't fully in touch with her needs, what she found stimulating and what not. That's really the best way I can put it. And in general when you see someone that hasn't had a lasting relationship there's some sort of issue going on. Whether it be something along those lines, or maybe no drive for or a fear of intimacy in the first place, or 100 other things. But something's amok, 99% of the time.

 

This coming from a guy who's longest was 2 years, so I'm certainly aware I'm probably not the best choice for a woman if she's looking to settle down and live happily ever after. Other than that though I am of course.

[Frank2thepoint]

I mean, I could respond in mixed company that, "Well, all I keep meeting are flakes" but that would sound rather misogynistic against women. It would be a very negative response and would confirm their what they've speculated about my lack of long term (few years) relationships.

 

So I would just give the canned, "I guess I haven't met that special someone just yet." and give a fake smile and change the subject.

 

I mean I could respond with, "So how come you've had 2 failed marriages?" Of course, that wouldn't go over well either. LOL.

 

Some people can dish it, but can't take it. I always liked the response, which I learned from a song, "Who are you to cast a stone, when I hold as many stones as you?"

 

 

I don't mean to rag on you, but since you're kind of making it about yourself, I remember watching how you used to interact with a woman you seemed to be pretty fond of and it was kind of apparent you weren't fully in touch with her needs, what she found stimulating and what not. That's really the best way I can put it.

 

I'm making my posts mostly about myself, because I know my story. I can't speak on behalf of other people's stories, except for the few referenced threads I shared. Also, which woman are you referring to in a past story I shared?

 

 

And in general when you see someone that hasn't had a lasting relationship there's some sort of issue going on. Whether it be something along those lines, or maybe no drive for or a fear of intimacy in the first place, or 100 other things. But something's amok, 99% of the time.

 

I agree on this point, as others have said this as well. I've read about such situations from other members on LS. I've heard personal stories from friends, acquaintances, and random people. Someone in the relationship has one foot out the door. To offer my own personal experience, I could have easily invested a minimum of a couple of years in some of my past relationships. But then what would that say about my boundaries? That I was willing to suffer just so I can say right now I had multi-year relationships? Maybe my problem is I expect the woman to have her sh*t together like I do. Maybe I expect a woman to know what she wants, just as I do. And in that sense I come off too focused, or single-minded, or stubborn.

[most_distant_galaxy]

Also since you mentioned once again that most men are drawn to bitchy women, I feel you are projecting this filter argument onto men (such as myself). Maybe you have a filter problem, and are choosing men that leave you for those flashy, bitchy women. Just making an observation.

 

Now you turned my world upside down. Although I don't remember complaining about my dating misfortunes in any of my posts in this website. And why would you think that I'm not a flashy bitchy woman who happens to be observant? Do you think that people notice unfair or weird things only when they are the "victim" or the ones affected? In which planet do you live in? I don't support a trait only because I have it. After all, I pointed out the invisible easy going women in the thread so you could thank them.

[truth_seeker]

The dating site I'm on over half the men have listed their longest relationship as 1 year and some under 1 year. These men are in their late 30s on up. Is this a bad sign?

 

Yes and no.

 

I'm in my 30's and qualify as a guy with no relationship going over a year. Why? I believe between 3-6 months mark that you should know in your gut if you want to commit to the person. I won't string someone along, like a lot of people do, until I meet someone I like better. I haven't met one woman I could see myself wanting to marry and start a family with... now, there are men who have commitment issues and like to play the field. The best advice is to be cautiously optimistic. I know easy to say than act upon, but you're going to have to give people a chance and go on your gut as to who you think is a player and those you believe just haven't met the one...