Ex girlfriend's new boyfriend- concerning or not?

[tim30]

I am 28 and my ex-girlfriend is 25. I am from New England and we met at law school in the south. She is from the south and our law school was an hour away from her hometown. She went straight from undergrad to law school and I took two years off in between. After school, we moved to New England because she got a very good job here and I got a job soon after. We moved to the state bordering my home state and neither of us knew anyone there, but we had my friends from home and college who were all about an hour away.

 

We first moved in together one year after dating and moved to New England in May. It was a stressful time between finding jobs, graduating, moving, studying for the bar, working and beginning work. One day in September, her computer crashed before we were supposed to go away for the weekend and she lost all the work she had done for that day. I tried to help her fix her computer but she got extremely frustrated and told me to leave. I tried to stay and help her but she wouldn't let me. That night, she came home and began packing my belongings, saying that she couldn't do this anymore. We talked things over that night and it was better. A few days later she told me that she didn't love me anymore. At this point, we had been dating for a month shy of 2 years. We went back and forth for a couple of weeks when I would spend a few nights at home and a few with her to try to make things better. In late September, she kicked me out of the apartment and threatened to blackmail me if I didn't leave and if I didn't give her my cat. It was a terrible breakup and I caved and left. Throughout our relationship, she would get easily frustrated and had a bad temper. I am a very laid back person and never once yelled or said anything mean to her. However, towards the end she felt like I had not made changes to my life that she wanted me to make, granted I was far from perfect, but they were small things that we could have probably worked out. I am, of course, leaving out a great deal of information, but I don't want to write forever.

 

My ex grew up in a tiny town and was home schooled for two years. She went away for undergrad but didn't make many friends. In fact, she had two friends who were girls when we started dating and neither was a good influence. All of her other friends were guys who she had once hooked up with or who were friends with her because they thought she was attractive. She is an incredibly attractive girl, and she knows it to an extent, yet she never would have cheated on me. For those two years, we were almost attached at the hip and would spend the majority of our free time together and would talk every night that we were away from each other. It was a very close relationship. When we broke up, all of my friends, who were her only friends for 1,000 miles, stopped being friends with her. I actually wanted my friends to stay friends with her because I knew she was in a vulnerable place, but the 3 girlfriends of my friends who were friends of hers all chose not to be her friend because they believed she was mean to them. Again, my ex never really got along with girls and only was friends with guys for the most part. I knew that as soon as we broke up, she would feel empty and alone and the only place she could turn to fill this void would be a guy.

 

Where I am going with this begins now. So one week after we broke up, she began seeing a 31 year old guy. Not to sound like the disparaging ex-boyfriend, but this guy is far less successful and motivated than my ex. He has lived around his hometown his whole life and never left for school or anything. He has never been in a serious relationship and, not to say this is bad, but he is a very dorky guy, I'm a little dorky myself, who collects action figures and has disney pictures as his pictures on facebook. He seems very immature for his age. For all I know, he may be a very nice guy.

 

Anyway, my ex begins seeing this guy one week after we end our two year relationship where we moved to New England together and spent all of our time together, I was two months away from asking her to marry me, everything seemed so right until the end. Two and a half weeks later, they are in a facebook official relationship. The pain that I felt from all of this was unbearable, but I won't go into that. Despite how upset I was, I never did anything mean to her and wrote her several things apologizing for everything that I could have done better. Throughout our two year relationship, she never once apologized for anything or said she was wrong, side note. Anyway, we talked on and off for weeks after we broke up and after she started dating him. She would still tell me at times that, although she didn't love me, she cared about me and wasn't sure what to do. I gave her a ride to the airport for Thanksgiving and she kissed me and we held hands for an hour talking about everything and she said that a part of her still loved me.

 

One of her reasons for breaking up with me was because she felt that I wasn't ready to commit more to her and that wasn't showing her enough of how much I loved her. I stupidly thought that a grand romantic gesture would prove otherwise so the day after our conversation, I drove 16 hours down to her house with a romantic plan to surprise her and play her a song on guitar and tell her that I loved her and wanted to spend my life with her, short of a proposal but close enough. I drove through the night and met her outside of the gym before she went to class. I was a nervous wreck and knew that the answer I was going to get was not going to be positive, but I wanted her to know that I loved her that much and I needed to know for myself that she didn't love me anymore, a way of getting closure I suppose. When I saw her, she was ice cold and immediately asked me what I was doing, I could see in her eyes that she didn't love me anymore. I told her that I loved her and we talked to a couple of minutes and then she said she needed to go to her spin class. She never cried, became upset or anything. It was almost emotionless. I then drove back 16 hours by myself and went home knowing that I tried everything that I could to win her back, because I truly did love her that much.

 

I go off on these tangents to relay more information. So I saw her for a mandatory training two days ago, which was the first time since I drove down to see her in the south. We were very cordial and she texted her new boyfriend the entire time for the 8 hours we were there. We talked about everything and we able to talk to like adults and not be too serious. Halfway into the program, she told me that her new boyfriend told her he loved her 6 weeks into dating. I asked her what she said and she said that she told him the same, although she told me that she didn't think she did but that she did really like him. She didn't say it in a way to get me jealous or anything, it seemed, at least to me, more as a friend, but who knows. To make matters strange, I received facebook message about a week after I drove down to the south and it was from someone I didn't know saying that they were a friend of my ex-girlfriend's boyfriend and said that he is a nice guy and they were wondering what type of person my ex was. I thought it was my ex trying to see what I would say so I responded that it wasn't my place to say anything, and they never wrote back. All in all, it was very strange to receive that. Anyway, I told my ex that I received a message from someone and she instantly gave me a look of panic. She asked if I said anything and who it was and I told her exactly what I said. She then told me that she hadn't told her new boyfriend anything about me and that he doesn't know I exist. I thought this was very strange. We continued to be fine together during training and until I explained to her why I came down to her hometown, saying that I expected her to not change her mind but saying that I loved her and I needed to know that I did all I could and I could be at peace knowing afterwards that I tried as hard as I could at love. I should mention that we are each others first love. After this conversation, we didn't talk and she said she needed to go, and left.

 

So after writing this big long message, my question to you is what is this guy to her? After losing me and my friends, she had nobody up here and was likely afraid to be alone. Also, this guy is not very attractive and is a very strange person from all accounts. She is very smart and very attractive. She likes to be possessive and probably loves the fact that to this guy, along comes a beautiful young successful girl who wants to give him all of the attention in the world. All of his friends are married and in relationships and he still is mourning the loss of his mother on facebook 5 years later, not to say that that is a bad thing, just want to highlight it as a fact. I wonder if she is hanging on to him because she is so afraid of being alone or is it possible that these two are actually right for each other.

 

For the first time, I can honestly say that I am over my ex, as much as one can be, and I do hope that she can be happy because I am finally moving on a becoming happy again. A part of me wants to tell her that at 31 telling a 25 year old that you love them is concerning. I feel like he may be in love with the idea of her, but I don't know how you can be in love that quickly, especially when he knows so little about her, such as the fact that she dated me for 2 years. I guess I am just wondering peoples thoughts on this situation. I would greatly appreciate any and all feedback. Also, I know that I shouldn't care, but a part of me doesn't want to see her get involved in something that I think she will regret.

[Frank2thepoint]

Throughout our relationship, she would get easily frustrated and had a bad temper.

 

I was two months away from asking her to marry me, everything seemed so right until the end.

 

You are contradicting yourself here. The relationship was not right, and she was not right for you.

 

 

Two and a half weeks later, they are in a facebook official relationship. The pain that I felt from all of this was unbearable, but I won't go into that.

 

Really? You felt no pain from her go crazy, losing her temper, and kicking you of the apartment over a broken computer?

 

 

Throughout our two year relationship, she never once apologized for anything or said she was wrong, side note.

 

Big red flag. The relationship shouldn't have lasted for two years. Probably not past the two month mark if she exhibited such a behavior.

 

 

One of her reasons for breaking up with me was because she felt that I wasn't ready to commit more to her and that wasn't showing her enough of how much I loved her.

 

Classic deflection. She put the blame on you, when in reality she was the one not willing to commit. She had a tumultuous time growing up. Her clinging to guys whenever things went bad is an escapist mentality.

 

 

We were very cordial and she texted her new boyfriend the entire time for the 8 hours we were there. We talked about everything and we able to talk to like adults and not be too serious. Halfway into the program, she told me that her new boyfriend told her he loved her 6 weeks into dating. I asked her what she said and she said that she told him the same, although she told me that she didn't think she did but that she did really like him.

 

She is repeating what she probably did with you, and before with other guys. Her whole life is one miserable cycle. She is unwilling to break out of it because she doesn't want to or is afraid to.

 

 

So after writing this big long message, my question to you is what is this guy to her? After losing me and my friends, she had nobody up here and was likely afraid to be alone. Also, this guy is not very attractive and is a very strange person from all accounts. She is very smart and very attractive. She likes to be possessive and probably loves the fact that to this guy, along comes a beautiful young successful girl who wants to give him all of the attention in the world. All of his friends are married and in relationships and he still is mourning the loss of his mother on facebook 5 years later, not to say that that is a bad thing, just want to highlight it as a fact. I wonder if she is hanging on to him because she is so afraid of being alone or is it possible that these two are actually right for each other.

 

She is afraid of being alone, and she latches on to any guy that give her any amount of attention. She is emotionally immature. Unfortunately her relationships are very cyclical. The same thing that happened between you, most likely will happen with her new relationship. It's easy for you think that her and the new guy are right for each other, because you are no longer with her. You feel discarded.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you, but part of the fault is on you for allowing the relationship you had last so long. It was actually on a timer, being dragged out until it expired. There were plenty of signs and problems coming from her that you should have paid attention to, and made a confident decision to end it. You could have avoided so much pain and hurt.

[toscaroscura]

For the first time, I can honestly say that I am over my ex,

 

Clearly you aren't.

 

Look, you can't make decisions for her. She's a big girl. And sorry to say, but she probably had this guy lined up long before she wanted out. What you think of him is irrelevant.

 

You need to block her and this guy and any of his friends on FB. Only then will you start to heal.

[BlueIris]

Should she also decide who you date?

 

Well, she’s obviously very weak and messed up, and she was just awful to you, so I think you need to tend to your own business and stay out of hers. Thank heavens she secured a very good job after law school because she is one hot mess, but doesn’t need you to rescue her or oversee her since she’s not going to starve or go homeless. Leave her alone.

[Toodaloo]

Leave her alone. Stop looking at facebook and delete her off of it.

 

Move on and put this in your past.

 

It was not a good relationship - it was a bad one. Thank God you didn't get married...

[tim30]

I deleted her off of Facebook the week after she was in the new relationship and I blocked her boyfriend because I didn't want to see posts of either of them, which did help a lot. I was obviously incredibly hurt for the first two months, but since coming back from driving down to see her, I kind of got the closure that I needed, since I knew for sure at that moment that she didn't love me, and I've felt a lot better. I wanted to feel anger and hatred at first, but I knew that would do me no good. It was more of a feeling of self-worthlessness that I felt, thinking that I wasn't good enough and that everything was my fault.

 

She was my first love and I was vulnerable. I did almost everything she told me and she was so sensitive to things that I always worried about how she felt, which made myself lose focus on things that mattered to me. It was very hard having someone break up with your after all that time, history and moving to a place to be together, and not be able to have any insight as to why and no compassion towards anything that I felt. Things were great for about the first 8 months, and then she would yell and fight with me over the smallest things. I can honestly say that in 2 years of dating, she never once apologized or admitted that she was wrong. I wasn't strong enough to not believe that things must had always been my fault because I loved her and in my eyes, her biggest fault was that she always wanted to be with me and give me attention, and I guess a part of me liked that, or at least felt guilty even just for hanging out with a friend for a couple of hours, as crazy as that sounds.

 

It took until recently to re-gain the self-respect I have, and thank god all of my friends never left me. I know it's hard to explain but when she told me those things the other day, I honestly felt sorry for her. I am in no position to judge her current relationship, but after two years I know her well and I know what little I know about this new guy, and everything in me wanted to tell her just my general concerns about the situation, but I knew that I couldn't, I know that she has to find out for herself as does her new boyfriend. I guess I had a hard time with it because the whole Facebook message thing and her not having told him about me seemed very strange and it was more a desire to understand the situation that really a wanting to change anything. I've realized how frustrating it can be to not have answers, reasons or understanding. That is why I am thankful for everyone who takes the time to read my story and gives me feedback. Just hearing other peoples opinions helps more than most people can imagine. So thanks everyone.

[Stanthemanwittheplan]

Sounds like you spent two years of your life trying to get the wrong women to love you. Take it from a guy that spent 5 years trying to do the same thing. It's not worth your precious time to worry about what she's doing or who she's with. She treated you poorly and to be frank she didn't love you and that's most important factor. You're only delaying happiness for yourself and you have but one life to live.

Take the good you received from this relationship and move on kind sir. Dwelling on the painful moments will only cripple you emotionally. You sound like a good respectable dude and there are plenty of fish in the sea, but you must always remember you're not the only lure.

 

"Can't live in that negative way, make way for the positive day." -Bob Marley.

[preraph]

You're not over her, but you should be. She turned her emotions for you off like a tap. She's playing at love with this new guy, pretending to be in love. I'm not even sure she CAN be in love, from what you've said. She doesn't sound serious. She just sounds like she's got a script in her head how things are supposed to go and is immature enough to be happy if someone pretends to follow it. She sounds like a mess. Let her go and give your sincere self to someone who is also sincere.

[BlueIris]

I deleted her off of Facebook the week after she was in the new relationship and I blocked her boyfriend...

 

Good. Focus on yourself and try to stop analyzing her and thinking about her.

 

… I know that she has to find out for herself as does her new boyfriend….

 

Yes, and they might be a better match for each other than you and she were. You never know. We can't know how others relate and feel about each other. Your relationship with your next GF will be different from your relationship with your last GF, too, right? Your judging them individually and together indicates that you're still too involved.

 

I think that going No Contact (“NC”) would help you to move on.

[salparadise]

• I tried to help her fix her computer but she got extremely frustrated and told me to leave.
  
• kicked me out of the apartment and threatened to blackmail me if I didn't leave and if I didn't give her my cat.
  
• she would get easily frustrated and had a bad temper.
  
• I am a very laid back person and never once yelled or said anything mean
  
• she felt like I had not made changes to my life that she wanted me to make
  
• All of her other friends were guys who she had once hooked up with
  
• we were almost attached at the hip and would spend the majority of our free time together
  
• When we broke up, all of my friends, who were her only friends for 1,000 miles, stopped being friends with her
  
• never really got along with girls and only was friends with guys
  
• I knew that as soon as we broke up, she would feel empty and alone
  
• only place she could turn to fill this void would be a guy.
  
• The pain that I felt from all of this was unbearable, but I won't go into that
  
• never once apologized for anything or said she was wrong
  
• reasons for breaking up with me was because she felt that I wasn't ready to commit more to her and that wasn't showing her enough of how much I loved her.
  
• When I saw her, she was ice cold; could see in her eyes that she didn't love me anymore.
  
• She then told me that she hadn't told her new boyfriend anything about me and that he doesn't know I exist.
  

 

 

For the first time, I can honestly say that I am over my ex, as much as one can be

 

I guess I am just wondering peoples thoughts on this situation.

 

She has an insecure attachment style. I don't feel like writing a book here, so I'll cut to the chase.... many of the things you've said could be indications of BPD, or borderline personality disorder. I am not diagnosing, just saying that everything in that bullet list above are either irregular, dysfunctional, or generally fit the pattern... and your response is consistent with an appeasing codependent.

 

You are not over her yet- you are still in a state of shock and confusion. You've got work to do.

 

The reason she latched onto a guy that doesn't have much going for him... the same reason she broke up with you... because she needs a huge amount of external validation and is terrified of being abandoned. So she downgraded to someone who would be oblivious to her issues, offer unlimited validation, unlikely to abandon her, and who is also expendable for when she feels the urge to preemptively switch buses again. I'm guessing that she had this new guy on her radar before she broke up with you.

 

I'm also betting that she has a somewhat contentious relationship with her mother.

Edited December 12, 2014 by salparadise

[tim30]

I greatly appreciate your input Salparadise, as well as everyone else. Everything you said makes perfect sense to me. In terms of the contentious relationship with her mother, you are somewhat right. She was adopted at a very young age. Her adopted father isn't a bad guy but he was never really involved in her life, he worked all the time. Her adopted mother and her bicker a lot and have a strange relationship. They talk often and she gets a lot of her advice from her mother, and her parents are very financially supportive. Unfortunately, her mother is very much like her, and is hyper-sensitive and believes that she knows best about everything. Her mother has an arrogance to her that she is better than everyone else in the room at all times. Her parents have been married for 50 years, yet they have a terrible emotion connection and rarely speak to one another. Neither of her parents ever really told her that she was wrong or made any attempts to correct her problems, they mostly just let her do as she pleases and figure things out on her own. I know that her relationship with her parents became much worse after she moved up to New England. Hopefully that is helpful information.

[tim30]

I was extremely reluctant to believe that she may have a BPD and I never knew what it was until a person who was closer to her than me told me this soon after we broke up. Although I understand, BlueIris, that you believe associating someone with a disorder simply because they broke up with someone is overplayed, I do believe that my ex had some sort of BPD. You, of course, only hear my side of this story, but I honestly don't believe that few opinions would differ if you heard an honest telling by both sides. I have played devil's advocate on this for so long and went through everything I could think of that I did to hurt our relationship, and in the end I really do feel that she has a BPD, which isn't saying anything bad about her. My point is that I appreciate Salparadise's opinion because some people do have BPD, and I also appreciate that you are skeptical, because if I went into it thinking BPD, I wouldn't be as likely to see if it wasn't that.

[BlueIris]

Bottom line is, if you need to believe she is broken, so be it. But if that's true, it seems to me that you'd have cut her off and wouldn't be concerned about her BF's flaws as well.

 

Good luck.

Edited December 12, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[salparadise]

Tim30, labels aren't important; what is important is that you recognize and arrive at a good understanding of the behavior patterns and the relationship overall, including how you dovetailed into it. It's the behaviors and the motivations behind them that are dysfunctional, so learning how it works will serve you well in terms of having healthy relationships in the future.

 

I suggest that you start by googling and then buy a good book, of which there are many. What you will ultimately integrate is that it wasn't about you––it was her being in crisis to some degree and not being able to deal with the fear. You used the terms "emptiness" and "filling the void" and those are the crippling pain at the core. Everything is a strategy (although not necessarily a rational one) for assuaging or avoiding those overwhelming feelings.

 

The other thing to start trying to accept now, as you begin letting go and healing your pain, is that the turbulent interpersonal relationships (easily frustrated, bad temper, always your fault, no apologies) are a hallmark... meaning that a peaceful, fulfilling relationship was not possible and is not likely to be possible for her.

 

So even though it feels really tough in this moment, it gets you off the hook without having to feel guilty, perhaps saves years of misery, and opens up the possibility of a completely different kind of relationship in the future. But you have to figure out what it is that makes you the yen for her yang, so to speak, so you don't inadvertently fall into another one just like it. You've got work to do.

 

Disregard the thought police. Some people have their own agenda. Saying that you "need" to believe she's broken is wrong. You posted an objective synopsis and the pattern emerged without you even mentioning what that other friend had said. The work you have to do is understanding how you intertwined with that pattern, and to heal of course. You may not realize it yet but you should be breathing a big sigh of relief.

[Downtown]

I do believe that my ex had some sort of BPD.

Tim, welcome to the LoveShack forum. I agree with you and Sal that the behaviors you describe -- i.e., verbal abuse, temper tantrums, vindictive threat of blackmail, verbal abuse, rapid flip from adoring you to devaluing you, inability to trust your love for her, controlling behavior, hating to be alone, and always being "The Victim" (blaming you) -- are classic warning signs for having strong BPD traits. Like Sal, I am unable to tell you whether her BPD traits are so strong as to satisfy all the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD. Only professionals can do that.

 

This is not to say, however, that you cannot spot strong BPD warning signs when they occur in someone you've dated for two years. Such behavioral traits are not difficult to identify because there is noting subtle about traits such as strong verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and always being "The Victim." I therefore encourage you to familiarize yourself with these red flags so you can avoid running right into the arms of another woman just like the one you left.

 

Toward that end, I suggest you take a quick look at my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. That discussion is based on my 15 years of experiences with my BPDer exW. If that description of BPDer behaviors rings any bells, I would be glad to join Sal in discussing them with you. Take care, Tim.