Author Noirek Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 The girl he married and had his children died when he found out about your affair. Right now you've distorted what your marriage is to your husband. Those trips, sex and everything you shared now feels like a complete lie to him. It sounds like your husband is sitting back with an outward smile while really he's dying inside. His life is turned upside down. Your husband would lose his family, house and be indebted to a person who crushed him. Perhaps he things by sticking by your side until the kids grow up is the best decision. Many people do that. Your feelings for the mm aren't going to go away if you don't break communication. It's like putting a crackhead in a room full of crack on not expecting him to smoke it. You don't sound definitive about not looking for another AP. You "think". Even if you don't, there will be a time when another man will try and get you again. But that time would you really respect the boundaries of you marriage? I followed strict no contact for almost two years. And it was all a sham in the end. That girl is dead or never was. I have told him that. And I do wonder if he is staying for the kids. I am okay with that. He is a wonderful husband and father. I have told him so many times he deserves better. He asked me to stop telling him that.
No Limit Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 That is why I stopped being that way. That would mean that you tell your husband about your newest debaucheries and let him decide if he wants to move on from that point. And it would also mean that you won't react when MM becks and calls, which you say you aren't sure of in your other posts. I think some IC would do you good.
Author Noirek Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 That would mean that you tell your husband about your newest debaucheries and let him decide if he wants to move on from that point. And it would also mean that you won't react when MM becks and calls, which you say you aren't sure of in your other posts. I think some IC would do you good. He does know MM and I are currently communicating.
No Limit Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 He does know MM and I are currently communicating. Hm, respect for telling him then. I just hope your husband won't sacrifice his soul for the kids.
Author Noirek Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 Hm, respect for telling him then. I just hope your husband won't sacrifice his soul for the kids. Why not? Actually, that is a good point. I should really sacrifice myself for the kids. The problem is I think it is far too late for me to do so.
beach Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 I followed strict no contact for almost two years. And it was all a sham in the end. That girl is dead or never was. I have told him that. And I do wonder if he is staying for the kids. I am okay with that. He is a wonderful husband and father. I have told him so many times he deserves better. He asked me to stop telling him that. Because he knows he deserves better than what you have delivered to him and to the marriage. And he knows in his gut that he's just too nice...and it seems like the ones that are just too nice get cheated on because there is no respect for a person who isn't willing to respect himself by drawing that line in the sand. And that's why you know you will continue cheating...because there are no swift and harsh consequences for you that send your head swimming and scared. Let me ask you - what if he came home today and said "pack a bagand get out within 10 minutes"! What IF you only had $50 to your name, no house, no access to your kids and you HAD to get a job like NOW in irder to JUST survive? Would you be scared enough THEN to consider never cheating again? You aren't the woman he THOUGHT he married. You are the enemy to a great marriage because you continue destroying any chance of it being a good marriage. Get honest with your H about who you REALLY are and what horrible things you are capable of. You are torturing him and he deserves a chance at putting a stop to the pain you're causing him. Get a job. Start helping your husband instead of causing harm. Stay so busy that you don't have one minute to think of other men. Start making it up to your H instead of dragging him down even more. IF you are truly sorry you will act like it.
beach Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 He does know MM and I are currently communicating. That's just cruel to your husband. Like a slap in his face.
Sofie2013 Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 I followed strict no contact for almost two years. And it was all a sham in the end. That girl is dead or never was. I have told him that. And I do wonder if he is staying for the kids. I am okay with that. He is a wonderful husband and father. I have told him so many times he deserves better. He asked me to stop telling him that. You and I both know the only person you love is yourself. You better than any of us knows just how bad you have hurt your husband when you told him about the affair. You have probably seen him cry and suffer because of what you did and even after all that you still went behind his back and did it again. If you truly loved this man then how in the hell could you be doing this to him and watch him go through this with no plans to stop. Please stop with the tainted love stuff that something a teenager would say. Love is action and right now your actions are showing something that is not love. I’m not trying to be mean because I was you not that long ago. I just don’t want to lose everything like I have. 3
harrybrown Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 You should print out every communication every time you make contact with the OM and give it to your Husband. Be totally honest. Or if it is on the phone record it and give it to your H. You will not find happiness this way. The OM will cheat on you and with you. Have you always used protection? Have you been tested for stds? Please think about your kids. The OM does not care about your kids. When my wife cheated, I almost committed suicide. You need to make a choice. Either the OM or your family. That should help you make your choice. You can walk away from your children and husband or completely never contact the OM again. Just imagine that every time you hurt your H with your actions that you rip his heart out of his chest and throw it into a fire. That is what the lies, the cheating and betrayal felt like. Then you have to put your hand into the fire, pull out the burning heart, put out the fire, put it back into your H's chest and get it beating again. I wish your family well. Do make a decision to stop the pain. Sorry, but I need to get off now, triggering too much. 1
Author Noirek Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 Because he knows he deserves better than what you have delivered to him and to the marriage. And he knows in his gut that he's just too nice...and it seems like the ones that are just too nice get cheated on because there is no respect for a person who isn't willing to respect himself by drawing that line in the sand. And that's why you know you will continue cheating...because there are no swift and harsh consequences for you that send your head swimming and scared. Let me ask you - what if he came home today and said "pack a bagand get out within 10 minutes"! What IF you only had $50 to your name, no house, no access to your kids and you HAD to get a job like NOW in irder to JUST survive? Would you be scared enough THEN to consider never cheating again? You aren't the woman he THOUGHT he married. You are the enemy to a great marriage because you continue destroying any chance of it being a good marriage. Get honest with your H about who you REALLY are and what horrible things you are capable of. You are torturing him and he deserves a chance at putting a stop to the pain you're causing him. Get a job. Start helping your husband instead of causing harm. Stay so busy that you don't have one minute to think of other men. Start making it up to your H instead of dragging him down even more. IF you are truly sorry you will act like it. I agree with the spirit of your post but a few things are not going to work. I don't have just $50 to my name so I don't know what it would be like if losing him meant being on the street. I do know though that if it takes punishment and consequences for a person to behave they aren't worth having. That would be me being afraid of losing my lifestyle and not my husband. I work part time because that is all we can afford for me to do. Child care where I live costs $45 dollars a day with no part time daycare available. And $50 for kids under 6. I am not sure how many times I say I have been honest with how capable I am at being terrible. He has seen it.
Author Noirek Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 You and I both know the only person you love is yourself. You better than any of us knows just how bad you have hurt your husband when you told him about the affair. You have probably seen him cry and suffer because of what you did and even after all that you still went behind his back and did it again. If you truly loved this man then how in the hell could you be doing this to him and watch him go through this with no plans to stop. Please stop with the tainted love stuff that something a teenager would say. Love is action and right now your actions are showing something that is not love. I’m not trying to be mean because I was you not that long ago. I just don’t want to lose everything like I have. Tainted love isn't just a teenage phrase. It is true. Even if I were never to cheat on him again the damage is done and my word and love have proved worthless. I am selfish. I haven'd denied that. I actually wonder if I am a a sociopath or a narcissist. But then I think I am only looking for an excuse to be as terrible as I am.
beach Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 But you aren't afraid of losing your husband. If you were you wouldn't be participating this way in the marriage. You care about you...your feelings, your need for the OM to stroke your ego and make you feel special. How is that right to your husband? Why not let him find a woman who will honor and respect him? Do you work with your OM?
Author Noirek Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 (edited) But you aren't afraid of losing your husband. If you were you wouldn't be participating this way in the marriage. You care about you...your feelings, your need for the OM to stroke your ego and make you feel special. How is that right to your husband? Why not let him find a woman who will honor and respect him? Do you work with your OM? I am afraid. So afraid I try not to think about it. It is why I was up last night. I already said I will not be divorcing him. On that I am not budging. I've taken so much from him I am not taking that choice away. I occasionaly work in the same building as MM. Like a few times a year. Edited December 10, 2014 by Noirek
DKT3 Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Tainted love isn't just a teenage phrase. It is true. Even if I were never to cheat on him again the damage is done and my word and love have proved worthless. I am selfish. I haven'd denied that. I actually wonder if I am a a sociopath or a narcissist. But then I think I am only looking for an excuse to be as terrible as I am. Almost everything you've wrote here is an excuse to continue your affair. From this tainted love crap to the self serving I won't divorce him. At the same time your passing the buck on your accountibilty in this mess. Just so you understand, the odds are stacked against your marriage. There is a very good chance your husbands "making a decision" is really him plotting an escape route. Bottom line here is you have no respect for your husband and deep down you don't think he has the balls to leave you and file for divorce. If you did, and as you say you love him, you wouldn't continue to risk it. There is no honor in being honest yet continuing to hurt someone you see as too weak to respect themself. Your not hearing the message here, your not getting it. But oh, you will. Then its too late. No one will take abuse at this level for long. Every time you rub this affair in your husbands face there is a bigger rip in the ties that bind and you inch closer to being a single mother. At some point there will be nothing left for you in his heart, soon that space will fill with pure anger and hate. Then you will get it.
Author Noirek Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 Is he your boss? No. He is a supervisor but not mine. I don't take orders from him or answer to him. I started occasionaly working in the same building after the affair. It is not how we met not has anything occured while we are at work.
Author Noirek Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 Almost everything you've wrote here is an excuse to continue your affair. From this tainted love crap to the self serving I won't divorce him. At the same time your passing the buck on your accountibilty in this mess. Just so you understand, the odds are stacked against your marriage. There is a very good chance your husbands "making a decision" is really him plotting an escape route. Bottom line here is you have no respect for your husband and deep down you don't think he has the balls to leave you and file for divorce. If you did, and as you say you love him, you wouldn't continue to risk it. There is no honor in being honest yet continuing to hurt someone you see as too weak to respect themself. Your not hearing the message here, your not getting it. But oh, you will. Then its too late. No one will take abuse at this level for long. Every time you rub this affair in your husbands face there is a bigger rip in the ties that bind and you inch closer to being a single mother. At some point there will be nothing left for you in his heart, soon that space will fill with pure anger and hate. Then you will get it. He will leave me if he decides to. I know when it comes I will be even more destroyed. I don't know where people get the idea I am excusing my affair or justifying it. I am totally and 100% to blame for this mess and I am in the wrong.
beach Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 The way you describe how YOU have treated him isn't anything even close to what love is about. In fact, the opposite. You are holding your husband hostage. You don't honor him, respect him or even treat him kindly. What is loving about all that? It's not. And yet you won't divorce so he has an opportunity to find a woman he CAN trust? That is mean and cruel that you participate that way. Why are you staying? Try telling us why you stay and cause him more harm? I really want to know what the reason is why you would torture any man by subjecting him to this cruelty all the while calling it a "marriage".
Author Noirek Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 The way you describe how YOU have treated him isn't anything even close to what love is about. In fact, the opposite. You are holding your husband hostage. You don't honor him, respect him or even treat him kindly. What is loving about all that? It's not. And yet you won't divorce so he has an opportunity to find a woman he CAN trust? That is mean and cruel that you participate that way. Why are you staying? Try telling us why you stay and cause him more harm? I really want to know what the reason is why you would torture any man by subjecting him to this cruelty all the while calling it a "marriage". Because I am a selfish wh*re.
Author Noirek Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 I know it seems like nothing is getting through. But realize it has been under 12 hours since I first posted. I am thinking about what everyone has said. I have also done enough reading on these sort of forums to know it never will be good again for my H. Most all the BH who ever post make that clear. And I was okay with him forever being the better person. I just didn't realize that I was so completely pathetic as to do it again.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 He does know MM and I are currently communicating. After all that has happened, why ? What do you get from this communication? Mr. Lucky 1
beach Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 I know it seems like nothing is getting through. But realize it has been under 12 hours since I first posted. I am thinking about what everyone has said. I have also done enough reading on these sort of forums to know it never will be good again for my H. Most all the BH who ever post make that clear. And I was okay with him forever being the better person. I just didn't realize that I was so completely pathetic as to do it again. So you post in this "style" that presents you as "feel sorry for me please". Like you're the victim of your own actions. Stop thinking in terms of one being "better than" the other. Just participate as if you love him. Every thought, action and words of considering how HE feels. Think less of how you feel and more of how he feels.
beach Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Tainted love isn't just a teenage phrase. It is true. Even if I were never to cheat on him again the damage is done and my word and love have proved worthless. I am selfish. I haven'd denied that. I actually wonder if I am a a sociopath or a narcissist. But then I think I am only looking for an excuse to be as terrible as I am. Why don't you seek help to be assessed by a professional to see if you are either/both of those terms = sociopath and/or narcissistic. Because IF you are - your H has every right to understand he's living with someone who can't be fixed but is also living with someone that has no conscience. 1
Author Noirek Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 So you post in this "style" that presents you as "feel sorry for me please". Like you're the victim of your own actions. Stop thinking in terms of one being "better than" the other. Just participate as if you love him. Every thought, action and words of considering how HE feels. Think less of how you feel and more of how he feels. It isn't my fault how people interpret my post. I am posting how I feel with no filters. How would you suggest my "style" be? That I say I am an awesome person? That I am equel to my husband? That I have a good character? That I am not a "bad" person? Because I don't believe any of those are true. But is it better that I act like I do so people can have the pleasure of tearing me down? I'm already down. I see how truly terrible I am. I hate myself for it. So much so that I see no forgiveness for me. You can add defeatist, coward and weak to your list.
beach Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 It isn't my fault how people interpret my post. I am posting how I feel with no filters. How would you suggest my "style" be? That I say I am an awesome person? That I am equel to my husband? That I have a good character? That I am not a "bad" person? Because I don't believe any of those are true. But is it better that I act like I do so people can have the pleasure of tearing me down? I'm already down. I see how truly terrible I am. I hate myself for it. So much so that I see no forgiveness for me. You can add defeatist, coward and weak to your list. Please seek professional help. Your husband could benefit from you growing and understanding how your actions/words affect others.
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