I don't know

[beach]

Then why not do the right thing and divorce your husband. You admit you can't keep promises. No one needs to be in a marriage with someone who is untrustworthy.

 

He wants the descision to be his. I am not going to divorce him until he knows it is what he wants.

 

But your H is weak and will never leave you - and that's part of why you continue to disrespect him.

 

 

You can do him that favor long term and divorce him. Just allow him to fully understand you are an untrustworthy wife who doesn't respect him.

 

That's honesty and he deserves that.

[SawtoothMars]

Great... you plan to use the Internet trolls on this board like that creepy albino in the DaVinci Code uses whips on himself.

 

You have a depression problem and self esteem issues. All the rest of this is fluff. You hated yourself long before you had an affair is my guess.

 

I really don't know what the heck is wrong with your husband. You paint a picture of him as though he is approaching sainthood. I doubt that very much. Maybe he is trapped between love for his kids and a self immolating cheat. Only time can tell.

 

Last note. Please don't consider suicide again. That route is for the lowest of the losers... because it's so selfish and greatly hurts all those around you. Actually taking consequences and working to be a better person, that takes bravery!

[bigman1]

Noirek,

 

I'm not going to call you a bad person or any negative names about your morality or values. Clearly, you are betraying yourself and your husband, hence your turmoil. I genuinely believe you are struggling.

 

Here is the thing, as you struggle in secret, you magnify the harm. You can't go NC because there is really no reason to go NC. I am always shocked when Betrayed spouses take back a cheater. I mean I am genuinely shocked to read their struggles and all of that being hyper vigilant to keep eyes on the cheater. It is a fools errand. That being said, I suggest that you impose consequences on yourself.

 

You see, if you are not willing to impose them on yourself then you really are a bad person. Tell your spouse about your inability to go NC. That is going to be painful for everyone. Still, it is honest. He can work with you or he can impose consequences. Alternatively, maybe you should be alone. Separate. You can also go be with your AP to see if that life is really all that you imagine it to be. It very well may be. I've known AP's to marry and remain together happily. On the other hand, you might realize that what you can't let go of is a concept of the other person that will be exposed by reality.

 

In short, your struggle is real. The solution is NEVER going to be suicide, a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Just because your husband is a good loving man is no reason for you to remain married to him any more than because you are a cheater is a reason for him to divorce you. From what I understand, you are not capable of being married right now, to anyone. That is a temporary issue. It is best explored alone and honestly. You see, reality has a way of making your see things clearly.

 

Until you are honest with all those involved, you will continue to fail and fall deeper into a pit. The fall out from coming clean to everyone, your BS and your AP's BS may be hard, but everyone will be working on a solution, be it divorce, counseling, whatever. What you are doing is just destructive to you, your husband and everyone and no one but you is trying to figure out a solution. Good luck. Oh, and seriously, NO MORE THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE. You need to see a professional about that and also this issue as well.

[Noirek]

Are you still having sex with mm? Who on earth would he still have to make a "decision" when you're still communicating allegedly "in the open" with mm and not hiding anything? It's almost like you already made the decision for him. Is your husband in that much denial to stay with you? You are living in a one sided open marriage. Perhaps your husband can find another woman to use as his own sexual toy box and you two can cohabitate together.

 

No, we have not had any physical contact this time.

 

My husband is taking his time deciding what he wants to do. I am not going to hurry him up or put pressure on him. I am leaving this descision up to him because I don't want our marriage to end. But I know what I am doing is the opposite of that. I have failed at being faithful twice. I am not going to promise a third time. Not yet anyways.

[beach]

No, we have not had any physical contact this time.

 

My husband is taking his time deciding what he wants to do. I am not going to hurry him up or put pressure on him. I am leaving this descision up to him because I don't want our marriage to end. But I know what I am doing is the opposite of that. I have failed at being faithful twice. I am not going to promise a third time. Not yet anyways.

 

Are you in counseling?

 

You need help getting yourself stronger. You can give that gift to your husband.

 

I'm sure he worries IF you'll be ok if he leaves you. Get healthy so he doesn't have that worry.

 

And ask the counselor to help you become less focused on how you "feel" and become better at considering how your actions affect others.

[DKT3]

What I'm hearing through all the pitty party stuff is you want out of the marriage but you want your husband to be the one who ends it. I know that isn't what you saying, but its what your actions are showing. Keeping contact and telling your husband about it every time while knowing that he is sitting on the decision to stay or go isn't the actions of a woman who wants to continue in a marriage.

 

Just let him go (husband) stop causing him all this pain.

[Noirek]

But your H is weak and will never leave you - and that's part of why you continue to disrespect him.

 

 

You can do him that favor long term and divorce him. Just allow him to fully understand you are an untrustworthy wife who doesn't respect him.

 

That's honesty and he deserves that.

 

I think it is easy from an outside perspective to say my husband is weak because we are still together. But there are a lot of factors involved. My unfaithfulness isn't the only thing he is considering. He gave me a second chance and I blew it. This is very fresh for him.

[Noirek]

Noirek,

 

I'm not going to call you a bad person or any negative names about your morality or values. Clearly, you are betraying yourself and your husband, hence your turmoil. I genuinely believe you are struggling.

 

Here is the thing, as you struggle in secret, you magnify the harm. You can't go NC because there is really no reason to go NC. I am always shocked when Betrayed spouses take back a cheater. I mean I am genuinely shocked to read their struggles and all of that being hyper vigilant to keep eyes on the cheater. It is a fools errand. That being said, I suggest that you impose consequences on yourself.

 

You see, if you are not willing to impose them on yourself then you really are a bad person. Tell your spouse about your inability to go NC. That is going to be painful for everyone. Still, it is honest. He can work with you or he can impose consequences. Alternatively, maybe you should be alone. Separate. You can also go be with your AP to see if that life is really all that you imagine it to be. It very well may be. I've known AP's to marry and remain together happily. On the other hand, you might realize that what you can't let go of is a concept of the other person that will be exposed by reality.

 

In short, your struggle is real. The solution is NEVER going to be suicide, a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Just because your husband is a good loving man is no reason for you to remain married to him any more than because you are a cheater is a reason for him to divorce you. From what I understand, you are not capable of being married right now, to anyone. That is a temporary issue. It is best explored alone and honestly. You see, reality has a way of making your see things clearly.

 

Until you are honest with all those involved, you will continue to fail and fall deeper into a pit. The fall out from coming clean to everyone, your BS and your AP's BS may be hard, but everyone will be working on a solution, be it divorce, counseling, whatever. What you are doing is just destructive to you, your husband and everyone and no one but you is trying to figure out a solution. Good luck. Oh, and seriously, NO MORE THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE. You need to see a professional about that and also this issue as well.

 

We discussed seperation but decided to wait and see. And no, I have not been suicidal in over a year. I am no longer depressed. This is about MM and not giving him up. Or I should say giving him up and then taking him back.

[jm2013]

I think it is easy from an outside perspective to say my husband is weak because we are still together. But there are a lot of factors involved. My unfaithfulness isn't the only thing he is considering. He gave me a second chance and I blew it. This is very fresh for him.

 

It's not easy from an outside perspective. The very people you're talking to on this board have walked around with infidelity for awhile. It is obvious he's lingering around for other reasons besides your love. You're throwing it in his face with continued betrayal after betrayal. Do you love your husband? If you love your husband and truly want what is best for him why don't you divorce him? Clearly you don't want to only be committed into a marriage with him.

 

Marriage - "a relationship in which two people have pledged themselves to each other in the manner of a husband and wife"

 

If you repeatedly break your pledge to your husband why are you still married to him? What is he holding on to that will not allow him to leave? Kids? House? Finances?

[Noirek]

Are you in counseling?

 

You need help getting yourself stronger. You can give that gift to your husband.

 

I'm sure he worries IF you'll be ok if he leaves you. Get healthy so he doesn't have that worry.

 

And ask the counselor to help you become less focused on how you "feel" and become better at considering how your actions affect others.

 

You may be right. He might worry I'll become suicidal again. He reminds me how much my affair destroyed me. He can't understand why I am doing that to him and myself again. Neither can I.

 

I have always considered counselling a waste of money. The answer is simple.

 

Don't be so stupid. Don't be so selfish.

[beach]

You may be right. He might worry I'll become suicidal again. He reminds me how much my affair destroyed me. He can't understand why I am doing that to him and myself again. Neither can I.

 

I have always considered counselling a waste of money. The answer is simple.

 

Don't be so stupid. Don't be so selfish.

 

And don't be that cheater only thinking of yourself...

 

If you can't treat your H with love, honor and respect then do him a favor and divorce him.

[Noirek]

It's not easy from an outside perspective. The very people you're talking to on this board have walked around with infidelity for awhile. It is obvious he's lingering around for other reasons besides your love. You're throwing it in his face with continued betrayal after betrayal. Do you love your husband? If you love your husband and truly want what is best for him why don't you divorce him? Clearly you don't want to only be committed into a marriage with him.

 

Marriage - "a relationship in which two people have pledged themselves to each other in the manner of a husband and wife"

 

If you repeatedly break your pledge to your husband why are you still married to him? What is he holding on to that will not allow him to leave? Kids? House? Finances?

I think he is holding onto the girl he married and had his children. The love, companionship and sex we share. The children we sit down together with and read stories to or take trips to Disneyworld together. Neither of us are from a broken home. In a materiel sense he would lost his home. It is complicated but it belongs more to me than him. I asked him if that was a fear and he says no. Me and the children are what matter to him. But there is a lot.

 

I guess, if I am honest, I am waiting for my feelings and desire for MM to disappear. Because I think I would never go looking for another AP.

[No Limit]

Are the children your husbands...? And why are you still married to him?

[Noirek]

What I'm hearing through all the pitty party stuff is you want out of the marriage but you want your husband to be the one who ends it. I know that isn't what you saying, but its what your actions are showing. Keeping contact and telling your husband about it every time while knowing that he is sitting on the decision to stay or go isn't the actions of a woman who wants to continue in a marriage.

 

Just let him go (husband) stop causing him all this pain.

 

Hear what you like but it isn't true. I don't want him to pull the plug. I feel like I am holding my breath waiting for his descision. I don't tell my husband everytime we communicate. I just answered him when he asked.

 

Why would I who am too selfish to give up MM be selfless enough to give up my husband?

[Noirek]

Are the children your husbands...? And why are you still married to him?

 

They are his. And I am married to him because I love him.

[DKT3]

I think he is holding onto the girl he married and had his children. The love, companionship and sex we share. The children we sit down together with and read stories to or take trips to Disneyworld together. Neither of us are from a broken home. In a materiel sense he would lost his home. It is complicated but it belongs more to me than him. I asked him if that was a fear and he says no. Me and the children are what matter to him. But there is a lot.

 

I guess, if I am honest, I am waiting for my feelings and desire for MM to disappear. Because I think I would never go looking for another AP.

 

How will that happen if you jump at every chance to engage MM?

 

I'm over this, either your taking us for a ride or your totally delusional and not at all looking for help just more attention.

 

Good luck to you.

[DKT3]

Hear what you like but it isn't true. I don't want him to pull the plug. I feel like I am holding my breath waiting for his descision. I don't tell my husband everytime we communicate. I just answered him when he asked.

 

Why would I who am too selfish to give up MM be selfless enough to give up my husband?

 

 

So you would rather cause him more pain? That isn't any kind of love I would want in my life, nor would many.

[Noirek]

How will that happen if you jump at every chance to engage MM?

 

I'm over this, either your taking us for a ride or your totally delusional and not at all looking for help just more attention.

 

Good luck to you.

 

I am not taking you for a ride. I just know that I always respond so I am not going to lie and make promises. I have only my husband to talk to about this and that is not fair to him. So I came here. I realize there are fixers on here who want to reach through the computer screen and "fix" this situation. And that must be frustrating. I am sorry for that. I still felt an anonymour forum was a safer place to compile my thoughts.

[No Limit]

And I am married to him because I love him.

 

Deception isn't a part of love. What's stopping you from being with MM?

[jm2013]

I think he is holding onto the girl he married and had his children. The love, companionship and sex we share. The children we sit down together with and read stories to or take trips to Disneyworld together. Neither of us are from a broken home. In a materiel sense he would lost his home. It is complicated but it belongs more to me than him. I asked him if that was a fear and he says no. Me and the children are what matter to him. But there is a lot.

 

I guess, if I am honest, I am waiting for my feelings and desire for MM to disappear. Because I think I would never go looking for another AP.

 

The girl he married and had his children died when he found out about your affair. Right now you've distorted what your marriage is to your husband. Those trips, sex and everything you shared now feels like a complete lie to him. It sounds like your husband is sitting back with an outward smile while really he's dying inside. His life is turned upside down. Your husband would lose his family, house and be indebted to a person who crushed him. Perhaps he things by sticking by your side until the kids grow up is the best decision. Many people do that.

 

Your feelings for the mm aren't going to go away if you don't break communication. It's like putting a crackhead in a room full of crack on not expecting him to smoke it. You don't sound definitive about not looking for another AP. You "think". Even if you don't, there will be a time when another man will try and get you again. But that time would you really respect the boundaries of you marriage?

[Sofie2013]

They are his. And I am married to him because I love him.

 

 

Sadly I can’t believe you when you say this. If you truly loved you wouldn’t be doing this.

 

What I think you love is the life that your husband provides, not him.

[Noirek]

Deception isn't a part of love. What's stopping you from being with MM?

 

He isn't someone I would want to be married to. To be honest I would not enter a monogamous relationship again. I wouldn't trust myself not to cheat again. I was so sure I would never do it again after seeing the pain and going through hell the first time. And I did.

 

You are right. Deception isn't apart of love. That is why I stopped being that way.

[Noirek]

Sadly I can’t believe you when you say this. If you truly loved you wouldn’t be doing this.

 

What I think you love is the life that your husband provides, not him.

 

I do love him but as I said, my love is broken. It isn't pure. Even if I were never to talk to MM again it would forever be tainted because I did this to him. Nobody who can do what I do deserves a second chance.

[DKT3]

Sadly I can’t believe you when you say this. If you truly loved you wouldn’t be doing this.

 

What I think you love is the life that your husband provides, not him.

 

I agree. He has shown he is willing to work, then come home and take care of her and the kids while she plots her next sexual encounter with her married loverboy.

 

Why on earth would she give that up? Not to mention he has allowed her to cuckold (for lack of a better term) him.

 

She is taking advantage of his weakness, that isn't love.

[Noirek]

Sadly I can’t believe you when you say this. If you truly loved you wouldn’t be doing this.

 

What I think you love is the life that your husband provides, not him.

 

He is who I enjoy. Not his money.