My friend is a hoarder...do I do/say anything?

[SpiralOut]

 

I would get together a group of friends/family who shared my assessment of her situation, and we would stage an intervention. We would tell her: "We're very concerned.Things are to the point where child services/etc. would deem this an unsuitable environment for your kids. If conditions don't improve here, we might need to take action to get your kids out of this place." And we would provide her with information/resources to put her on a better path.

 

So are you guys going to stage an intervention?

 

 

I think that's a good idea. She deserves to at least get a warning. It may not work but at least you can say that you tried. I just hope that you guys are willing to do something more drastic if she doesn't listen to you.

Edited December 13, 2014 by SpiralOut

[genuinelyloverly7]

Hoarding IMO is a unique addiction, as society has placed much emphasis on drug addictions and such. A person can 'hoard' per se still feeling good that they don't have one of those 'other' addictions- you know?

 

Helping her 'clean up' might shift her back into more 'characteristic' behavior, so I wouldn't write that possibility off yet. She may be overwhelmed and has just given up for a time. Being a clean freak- that did happen to me...I just needed a jump-start.

 

BTW, you are a good friend- with good friends like you, she can't loose!

 

 

 

This!

[writergal]

If I did feel things were that bad, and her kids were in danger (which let me clarify again: I DO NOT), here would be the right way to address that:

 

 

If that were true they why post a thread about your friend's hoarding? I mean, why? You obviously refuse to take any advice and are in clear denial yourself that your friend's hoarding is endangering her family. You've ignored resources that I posted, and testimony from myself and others who've had friends / family who hoarded. What exactly was your reason for posting here then? To vent?

 

You describe both your friend's home as so disgusting that you won't even go there, and her husband's home when he was a bachelor as gross too. Rooms in their current home are closed off due to excess garbage and there's cat feces laying around. And yet...you don't see a problem?!

 

I think you are not doing your friend any favors, refusing to take action. And an intervention won't work unless you include a hoarding expert who can redirect your friend's denial so that she and her husband will be receptive to the information the hoarding expert will give them.

[whichwayisup]

Talking to her other friends, family and to her husband (though he may be a bit of hoarder too and enabling her) to help her get counseling is a must. People like that just don't let someone throw out or sort through their stuff.

 

Cleaning up has to be done bit by bit. Exposure therapy. For her to throw away ONE or TWO things a day is all she can handle. It would put her in the looney bin if all her stuff got thrown out or put away so quickly.

 

I hope she is open to getting professional help/counseling. And, hopefully her family will be ready to do what is necessary..

[Standard-Fare]

If that were true they why post a thread about your friend's hoarding? I mean, why? You obviously refuse to take any advice and are in clear denial yourself that your friend's hoarding is endangering her family. You've ignored resources that I posted, and testimony from myself and others who've had friends / family who hoarded. What exactly was your reason for posting here then? To vent?

 

You describe both your friend's home as so disgusting that you won't even go there, and her husband's home when he was a bachelor as gross too. Rooms in their current home are closed off due to excess garbage and there's cat feces laying around. And yet...you don't see a problem?!

 

I think you are not doing your friend any favors, refusing to take action. And an intervention won't work unless you include a hoarding expert who can redirect your friend's denial so that she and her husband will be receptive to the information the hoarding expert will give them.

 

Again, I appreciate your perspective, but it's not the right approach for this situation. (And it would be impossible for me to convey the intricacies of everything and my long-term relationship with this friend via online posts.)

 

I posted the question here because I want to broach this topic with her in some way and see where her head is. That's the first step, and maybe it will lead to others in the future. But to me, you can't jump from Point A to Point Z without taking some more moderate steps in between.

 

And again, I absolutely DO NOT believe her children are in danger, and if I did, I'd be reacting differently. I've had to get involved in this difficult process in the past with another friend (with kids), forcing her into rehab. It's not something I'd shy away from if the situation warrants it.

[Quiet Storm]

If she is a good mom otherwise, I wouldn't get child services involved. The system sucks and often does more harm than good. I would only report someone if there was abuse or severe neglect (not feeding or bathing the kids). In cases of mental illness and addiction, I think efforts should be made to get the person help first without involving the system.

 

Also, not every messy & cluttered home is due to hoarding. Sometimes it's just laziness. Sometimes, the person is just very overwhelmed and it snowballs out of control. That could be the case here, as having three little kids is not easy.

 

I would say "I'm worried about you. I know you must be overwhelmed having three little kids. I want to help. Are you OK? What can I do?"

 

Also, is there any chance she & her husband have an addiction? Addicts/ alcoholics often have very disgusting homes. Addicts can be very functional for years. For example, they will go to work and seem fine because they don't want anyone to know, but their personal space is a gross mess.